Falling for my swinging partner

[callylilly]

I met this single guy at a club and we started swinging together. The only problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him. The butterflies in the stomach kind of feelings. I haven't told him how I feel....I want to but don't know how to bring it up or even if I should. I am afraid that if I do and he doesn't feel the same way that it would ruin a great partnership. But what if he feels the same and doesn't know how to tell me? He does everything right and it is almost like he is reading my mind when he does it. I don't have to tell him anything... he already knows. Someone please help me out of this mess.

[invisibletouch]

Been there, done that except I am also married! I'm in an open marriage so naively felt I was somehow immune from those kind of feelings since everything was out in the open! I never thought it could happen and we all agreed before hand that there wasn't going to be emotional attachments-but life happens even when all of the 'rules' are in place.

I told my play partner about my conflicting feelings and found out he felt the same way! But due ot my marital committment and his to his fiancee(they are also an open couple) we decided to quit playing together. Now we talk online but it has changed how we even interact as friends. I miss our deep friendship more than I do the sex!

I don't have a lot of advice other than be prepared for it to change your relationship if you do decide to tell him-if it doesn't great but don't be surprised or disappointed if it does.

Best of Luck and I hope you both end up together & happy.

[Alura]

It's unfortunately, Callylilly, that your communication is so good with your partner in most matters but you can't seem to convey this most important of feelings.

I think you should tell him how you feel. Of course, you will be taking a risk but the rewards, should he have similar thoughts, will be great.

Nothing wonderful was ever gained without risk of some kind.

Mr. Alura

[two4youinswva]

When I saw the title of your thread, I thought, "Uh Oh, this is gonna be trouble".

Then I saw that you were both single, and my thought became "Oh, Cool! This could be great for them!"

I agree with Mr. Alura. You should tell him how you feel. There is a risk there, but like he said, there could be a great reward.

[bear_n_bunny]

Originally Posted by callylilly

I met this single guy at a club and we started swinging together. The only problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him. The butterflies in the stomach kind of feelings. I haven't told him how I feel....I want to but don't know how to bring it up or even if I should. I am afraid that if I do and he doesn't feel the same way that it would ruin a great partnership. But what if he feels the same and doesn't know how to tell me? He does everything right and it is almost like he is reading my mind when he does it. I don't have to tell him anything... he already knows. Someone please help me out of this mess.

I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and assume that both you and this guy are young (twenties, or no more than early thirties). If so, both of you are still on a bit of a learning curve insofar as "reading" people are concerned. Add to that the fact that most young guys are about as perceptive as a post (like most things in life, it's a learned skill), and you have a pretty problem.

Let's cut to the chase here; you think you might be falling in love with this guy. OK, fine. However, keep in mind that just because "He does everything right and it is almost like he is reading my mind when he does it" does not mean he is a likely candidate for romance. All this means is that you and he have good sexual chemistry. Sexual compatibility is like gold, it's where you find it. And when you do, it is glorious, no doubt about it.

But... (there's always those damn "buts"; annoying, isn't it?... )

Just because you "click" well with someone sexually, will by no means indicate that a romance or love relationship is in the offing. It just means you and this guy mesh well in bed, nothing more and nothing less.

But (here's another one... ), we don't really know for sure what this guy feels for you, if anything. He might, and he might not. What to do?

It's time for Bear's class in Human Observation 101, or the study on how to attempt to gauge another person's feelings and emotions, if any.

We will assume you interact with this guy more than just by fucking. That you also talk with him, hang out to a certain extent, things like that. The first thing you must do (as difficult as this may be) is to put your feelings for him aside for a bit, and look at him dispassionately in the sense of how he treats and responds to you OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

When you are with him outside of the sexual context, how does he treat you? How does he respond to you in conversation? Observe his eyes when he looks at you. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and you can tell a lot about a person by doing this (ask any cop). How does he look at you? Facial expression, eyes, body language and so forth.

Compare his behavior towards you with the behaviors of other men towards their women; women that you know the guys are in love with if you are unclear on what to look for. Believe it or not, things like body language and facial expression can tell you a great deal about how one person feels about another, particularly in this context.

Does he seek you out for company outside of the bedroom? Does he enjoy spending time with you, just hanging out from time to time, is conversation on most any topic easy with him and vice versa? Does it seem as though he genuinely likes you as a person, as opposed to just a swing partner?

I'm sure you get the idea by this point. These techniques are really not that difficult, and after a bit of observation you should have a much better idea if approaching this guy about your feelings is a good idea.

I do wish you well...

-- Bear

[JustAskJulie]

Some questions for you.... does your relationship go outside of sex? Do you do things together other than attend swing clubs and have sex? If so then you might be onto something and I would say YES let him know how you feel.

If so far your relationsihp has been pretty much strictly sexual then I'd have to agree a lot with what Bear had to say and I would say that if you think there might be something then take the chance by initiating some other activities. Start inviting him out for other things and see how things go. See if there is that same chemistry outside of the bedroom. If there's not then that will probably affect your feelings for him... and if there is... then definately go for it.

[intuition897]

Do you hang out with him socially as well? Or do you only see each other for swinging purposes? You're both single and I'm a hopeless romantic so I can only see the potential

If it were me, I'd probably try the honest approach. "Joe? I seem to be having this little problem. I don't want it to interfere with our swinging partnership - which is great BTW! - but I've been noticing that I've been developing some feelings for you that are... well... frankly uncomfortable. I know it's one of the risks of doing what we do, and that it's pretty common. I'm just not sure what I should be doing with these feelings. What do you think?"

If you approach it as a puzzle to solve, or like a jar of pickles that you need help to open (a problem for him to fix, like men like to do) and keep it logical and objective, my guess is he'll feel much less like he's being hunted. If he admits that he's feeling similar emotions, then you can both put your heads together and decide where to go from there. If he's not, then at least you know and you can decide how to handle your own feelings. In any case, at least you'll know and you won't have to walk on eggshells around him. I'd just recommend that you avoid becoming overly emotional about it when discussing it with him. Like I said, keep it at arms length when you bring it up. Good luck!

[LikeMinds321]

I went back and read your introduction post from a month ago. You said you just broke up with a man--husband or boyfriend?--I don't know. But I have to wonder if you may be more vulnerable right now. You may want to be in love again, since you recently ended a relationship.

I think Bear gave excellent guidance.

Take it slow, look for more between you two than just the great sex you have together. The promise of a permanent relationship is built on much more than sex.

I wish you well.

LM

[callylilly]

Well we have a great friendship outside of the bedroom. And as Bear was saying about eye contact when we are talking his eyes seem to be studying me and what I am saying. He doesn't take his eyes off of me. I can say that I am falling in love with him..... just know that something is happening feeling wise and I don't know what to do about it.

[EternallySingle]

hmmm....I found myself doing the same with a woman lately. Well, not lately, but for a while, including when she was with another guy and I was with another woman. For a short time I was a little confused as to where we stood, but the other day she gave me several phone numbers of friends that I can use to contact her. Not something someone thats just a friend would do, or am I mistaken?

What you have to do is lay it all on the line with the guy. We men, especially single men, are DENSE! We were not taught, as children, how to read other people's feelings. At least not the subtle ones. If you are not angry and ready to fight, or dripping sweat and ripping off your clothes we don't know how you feel. We can guess, but its just guessing. He seems to be studying you while you are talking? He's trying to make sure he doesn't lose your interest. If he felt anything different, he'd try changing the subject, would look away, and answer you when you were simply making a comment.

If I were him, I'd be doing everything I could to stay close to you, including swinging when I'd rather be alone, if thats what it took to spend time with you. thats if you were a woman I was interested in for more than sex. It sounds like thats where he is in this situation.

[djjwp]

I'm a man so this will be pretty simple, our way of thinking.

1. We do not read minds but we always try to fix things so like in one of the above posts, give it to him as a problem to solve, not a bad problem, but a good one.

2, Be honest and up front. once you do get your feelings about him out, make sure that he knows your behavior with him will not change. If he too has feelings for you, it is for what are how you are NOW. Some relationships when they get more "formal" have a way of changing folks, not a good thing to a guy.

3. Enjoy the feelings, you are both single. As long as you both do not change how you are, you will still enjoy each other very much.

Good luck.

[curiousagain]

So much good advice. I believe the guy has very strong feelings for you. Whether he has verbalized this out to himself or even realized it, who knows. But, it's there. Does he spend time and money with and on you that he really can't afford? Does he do the little things for you that make you more comfortable even if it makes him uncomfortable? If so then you need to tell him how you feel. I think he will tell you the same.

[OhioCouple]

Originally Posted by Alura

I think you should tell him how you feel. Of course, you will be taking a risk but the rewards, should he have similar thoughts, will be great.

Nothing wonderful was ever gained without risk of some kind.

Mr. Alura

I've read this entire thread and everyone brings up very good points, IMO. Mr. Alura's words stand out strongest to me. They are true words of wisdom.

I think you are on to something special. Take that chance...let him know. As Mr. Alura said:

"Nothing wonderful was ever gained without a risk of some kind."

Please do come back and tell us what you decide. This is not a "mess" as you referred to your situation, think of it as an "opportunity" to hold something that is beyond words.

[callylilly]

Thank you all for your advise. I saw him again last night and had yet another wonder night with him. i just hope that I am not reading to much into what he does. But last night he kept giving me this "look" that had feelings written all over it. You could see it in his eyes. But I am wondering if I should just sit back and wait and see what happens. But to answer curiousagain.... yes he does spend money that he really doesn't have. When we play at his home I stay over night in his bed with him. He holds me all night and doesn't let go. Last night when we went to the club we went as a couple and he paid the way... even though I offered to split it with him. He looks out for me while we are at the club... people are surprised when we tell them that we aren't married. My next question is this.... how do you bring something like thiis up?

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by callylilly

But last night he kept giving me this "look" that had feelings written all over it. You could see it in his eyes... yes he does spend money that he really doesn't have. When we play at his home I stay over night in his bed with him. He holds me all night and doesn't let go...He looks out for me while we are at the club... people are surprised when we tell them that we aren't married.

This guy has feelings for you. Don't sit back and wait, let him know it's mutual! The only thing he might get freaked out at is the idea that you want to change the relationship. This is one of my and Mr. intuition's pet peeves: this 'vanilla' need to label a relationship somehow. It seems no one is happy until a relationship has been neatly labeled categorised and pigeonholed. Why do we need to do this to ourselves?? Why not just let the relationship be the beautiful thing that it is?

We are married legally, and we started out with a vanilla marriage. Very traditional. After a while it evolved and now the rings and piece of paper are there for the benefit of the rest of society. We don't need a contract or pieces of metal around our fingers to prove we're married. What we have goes a lot deeper than these ephemeral things.

If you can't find a label for what you feel for one another, just let it be and enjoy it. It doesn't need a definition just to satisfy the rest of society. As long as it's clear between the two of you how you feel about one another, that's all you need.