feelings for the third person

[scgirl]

i posted before about my husband and i having a 3some with his best friend for the last 7 months i love my husband more then anything in this world we have 4 children together. but i thank i may be having feelings for the other guy to i dont no what to do i dont wont to stop the 3somes and neather does my husband but i have not talked to him about this. does anyone have any advice? thanks

[mysticmind]

Swinging is all about communication. Would you want to know if the situation was reversed? I think that you need to stop the swinging until you can be sure of what you want to do. It's all too easy to see the grass as being greener on the other side of the fence. Good luck!

[intuition897]

scgirl, what is your marriage worth? If you don't acknowledge these emotions you're having and take them seriously, you're putting your marriage at risk. I know you don't want to hear it, but my best advice would be to not continue the 3somes until you and your husband have a heart to heart about this. I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband, or the reasons why you started swinging, but I think what you're feeling is more of an infatuation. This other guy has given you something very exotic that you haven't had in a long time - or maybe never before! Namely strange sex. It's bound to scramble a few brain cells. Personally I believe that these unwelcome feelings of attachment are probably pretty common if you're just starting out swinging; separating love and sex is difficult due to the social brainwashing we all get from time we're old enough to ask where babies come from. Try looking at your situation and your feelings objectively, from an outsider's view. How long have you been married? How much sexual experience have you had before your marriage? How old are you? Whose idea was it to explore the lifestyle and why? Have you had any other lifestyle experience other than this one guy? Is there some subconscious reason that these feelings might be showing up? Is there some niggling problem between your husband and yourself that you've been unable (maybe unwilling) to acknowledge or define? Could this gravitation to this other man be a response to negative feelings toward your husband, or maybe a desire for deeper intimacy with him (your husband)? Here I am playing therapist and I'm really not qualified! I can't really offer much advice as I don't know enough about the situation. I'm just spitting out ideas, so tell me to shove off anytime... I'm just concerned for you both and would like to help out however I can.

[CowboynVixen]

Sit down with your Husband or S/O and talk. If he and you want to keep the third, look up everything you can find on Polymory and realize, it is marriage cubed. Suddenly everything in the relationship is 3 dimentional.

It is a hard path to take, but it has been done very successfully by the right tiad.

If all is good between you, now you have to have a look at state and society. Think about medical insurance, live insurance, taxes, all other things that dont work as they should when you step out of the mold

Good luck but keep it on the table with your mate at first, then mates in second place if you cross that bridge.

[Dr Jekyll]

I think intuition897 has some very good suggestions.

Firstly, I don't think you're interested in a poly relationship, else you'd not be posting that question here. If you are you'll need to find a good poly group to talk to. It's a hard road to follow and not easy to mold into, as CowboynVixen has rightly pointed out, but it is possible.

Your first step should be defining to yourself what this relationship is worth to you. Are you willing to lose your husband over it? Because that is what will (almost definitely) happen if you do not break it off right now.

Infatuation is a tough one though, you feel like no-one in the world has ever made you feel this way, your SO isn't doing his part in making you happy and lots of other emotions putting you through a roller coaster ride of self doubt and doubting your marraige. You can't ignore it, it won't go away on it's own. YOU have to make the decision, if you value your marraige you will stop seeing this guy on any level, ignore any attempts at communication or contact and go see a professional councellor to find the reason this guy could worm his way into your heart. Then fix it.

The other scenario goes like this... You carry on seeing him, he makes you feel like you're the most precious woman in the world, after all, if your husband really loved you, why would he be willing to share you? Then you start seeing him alone, behind your hubby's back, have an affair for a while, one day come home to a hubby who's realised that you're having an affair and is hurt and angry and... Then you move out, get a divorce, carry on seeing this really wonderfull guy and move in with him. After five years, he looks a lot like your current hubby. Your relationship isn't much better, except, you now know that the relationship in itself isn't the problem, it's the way you approach it and you identify the problems and fix them before they get out of hand. You will eventually be happy if you learn a lesson from what is happening between you and hubby right now...

The alternate is to simply fixing things with your hubby right now. Enabling you to get back to a point where you are truly happy, totally impervious to threats from other men etc etc...

And to clarify this one: "if your husband really loved you, why would he be willing to share you?" Your hubby loves you. He trusts you to always have his best interests at heart while playing and socialising and want to give you the freedom to enjoy your life without strict boundaries. He enjoys seeing you enjoying yourself and loving every minute of it. It is BECAUSE he loves you so much that he's willing to share, not the other way around.

*puts away the soapbox

[curiousagain]

To reflect and elaborate on what some others have said and to present it from the side of a single male:

STOP swinging with this guy right now. TALK to your husband. REALIZE this is infactuation. Here's the deal. This other guy has never forgot your birthday. He's never insulted your Mother. He's never slept while you walked a sick child,etc. etc. I am not saying your Husband has done these things, I'm just saying you are infactuated, nothing more. Let it go. Stop seeing this guy. Work on your marriage. NOBODY wants this, not any one of the three of you. Do not let it go any further. It's easy to become infatuated with a regular play partner. Nip it, nip it, nip it.
'nuff said

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by curiousagain

To reflect and elaborate on what some others have said and to present it from the side of a single male:

STOP swinging with this guy right now. TALK to your husband. REALIZE this is infactuation. Here's the deal. This other guy has never forgot your birthday. He's never insulted your Mother. He's never slept while you walked a sick child,etc. etc. I am not saying your Husband has done these things, I'm just saying you are infactuated, nothing more. Let it go. Stop seeing this guy. Work on your marriage. NOBODY wants this, not any one of the three of you. Do not let it go any further. It's easy to become infatuated with a regular play partner. Nip it, nip it, nip it.
'nuff said

Dito Dito Curious nailed my opinion exactly. From what I know as a mother of 3, my life is continually occupied with what everyone else needs and wants. My needs are rarely met, and only if I can stay awake long enough.

I am not complaining here about my life, but I will tell you that it is incredibly hard and I can imagine the position you are in!

A few years ago, I developed a 'crush' on someone. It was all about seeing this man in a light I never saw my husband in anymore. This man would take the time to talk to me,(and actually listen ) he would open doors for me, light my ciggarette, make time out to see me, all of these things. Nothing ever happened with him, and I doubt he even knew I had a crush, but it was a brief time that my needs were being met by someone other than my husband. I, fortunately recognized it, as you have and ran for my life!

I found an author, that has written several books on building marriages, (www.marriagebuilders.com) and I think they have got some great stuff! There are several books, one is called Surviving the Affair, and even if no one has had an affair, it is a great book (thats what I thought anyway) there are so many things to do to build a stonger marriage. And so many exercises you can do as a couple. It is very insightful.

I wish you luck!

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by intuition897

...separating love and sex is difficult due to the social brainwashing we all get...

It's not just "social brainwashing." Men and women are programmed quite differently when it comes to forming and maintaining a pair-bond. It really goes against a woman's natural instincts to have sex with a man she doesn't care about, or to not develop an emotional attachment to a man she is having a sexual relationship with.

Likewise, it's had for a man to be so totally bonded to one woman that he no longer contemplates sex with other women. If we've been with one woman for a while, and another comes along that we think is kind of cute and pleasant to be around, we're vulnerable. If she expresses an interest in us, we're definitely vulnerable! I'm not saying we'll act on our impulses. In fact, if we value our marriage (or think we might get caught!) we probably won't. But you'd be pissed if you knew how much we were fantasizing about the other woman. Certainly more than you'd be comfortable with, if you were to know.

Don't flame me, darlin'...I read it in a book. Several, in fact. You can start with anything by Desmond Morris or Helen Fisher and go from there...

One of the things that doesn't receive much attention by those who promote swinging as a "way of life" is just how difficult it is to find and maintain relationships where all these forces come into balance. Women have a hard time separating sex from emotional attachment. Men have a hard time maintaining desire with somebody they've become familiar with. About the time you women start feeling "comfortable" with a couple, we guys start looking for another couple to join the party.

scgirl, as I see it, you have a couple of options available to you. You can ask your husband if he's open to the idea of you three becoming a "polyamorous triad." In other words, "one big, happy family, only with 2 daddies instead of one." You can break it off with the other guy entirely. That means no sex, no phone calls, no letters, no e-mail, no NUTHIN'! Or, you can find another male to have your threesomes with...one which doesn't threaten your marriage.

Whatever you do, don't judge your husband by the same yardstick you use to judge your lover. Not many men will allow you to take other lovers, feed your children, love you on your bad hair days, or make middle-of-the-night runs to the local "Stop-n-Rob" for cigarettes or tampons.

[puneswings]

We generally try to avoid singles, but at one point in our relationship my wife did confess to a crush on a business asssociate of mine. Fortunately at that time my business relationship with this guy over and we had become very good friends by then, so I went the whole way with him and over a drink, explained the situation, and asked frankly if he would be interested in, well, "joining us in bed". He agreed, and we went for it. It was kind of fun to see my wife act like an infatuated schoolgirl over him, I actually enjoyed the process of taking her shopping, watching her select the outfit she wanted to wear when we were to meet him, choose all kind of sexy undergarments, and so on. Quite amusing, to be frank.
After a couple meetings with him, the infatuation levels dropped, and our relationship is now stronger than ever.

I realize you situation is different in that you are already swinging with this guy, but basic principles remain. You SHOULD talk to your husband and understand his feelings about it, and be prepared to go with whatever decisions you take together. That's marriage.

[LikeMinds321]

I agree that continuing this threesome should not go on. She needs to talk to her husband about how she feels.

Here are some points I think should be considered when deciding how this situation could be viewed differently:

Who brought up swinging with her husband's best friend?

If her husband did, could it be that he is more interested in his pleasure than his wife's? If so, this could be a reason why this swinging relationship is not bringing her and her husband closer, but instead, posing a risk to a marriage that isn't as strong as it should be.

This is her husband's best friend. Even if she tells her husband she doesn't want to swing with him anymore, think how difficult it may be for the husband to tell his best friend the news. Maybe the husband will be more concerned about loosing the relationship with his buddy than understanding his wife's feelings.

What I'm saying is, there can be so much more here to deal with depending on what kind of man scgirl is married to.

No matter what the situation is, communication is key at this point. A husband and wife have got to understand that emotional attatchment issues can arise when you swing. Talk; realize you have to work together to find the best solution, one that will put your marriage and love for each other foremost when making your decisions for the future.

LM

[Bereal]

New love...


Thats all...


IT is natural to have emotional feelings for someone you are intimate with...at least you have a heart...And you can have feelings for more then one human being at one time and not cheat anyone out of any love or emotions...Yes your heart can handle it..all our hearts can..

In my view having these feelings is the sign of a good thing...you, your husband...and his best friend all have a special thing going...and all that needs to be done is balancing the life...pretty soon he may get a woman..


And you all will get together and grow old together...and you will not die sex deprived in a nursing home...


cheer up and spread the love..

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Bereal

And you can have feelings for more then one human being at one time and not cheat anyone out of any love or emotions...

Of course - not everyone is into polyamory...

My opinion?

Cut it off - sort it out - and put your marriage first.

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie]

Talk to your husband honestly and tell him about your feelings. I have a feeling that he will want to end this threesome and that would be the right thing to do.

On the other hand, this is his best friend and some people find that polyamory works.

[inbeachcouple]

I'm sorry if this comes across as being too critical, but your first and possibly biggest mistake was hooking up with your husband's friend. Most people keep thier 'vanilla' friends and their swinger friends separate. That way, if something does go wrong with your marriage/relationship because of this, it won't affect a friendship.

The best thing you can do, like everyone already mentioned, is talk to your husband about this. You are probably better off stopping all sexual activity with this SM. Try having a MFM with a different male and see how you feel after that. I'm sure you'll still have the infatuation with the first SM, but it could help you realize that it's all it was, an infatuation. You and your husband may decide to stop 3-somes all together, which is also fine. If there's one thing we've learned in this lifestyle, its "When in doubt, TALK, TALK, TALK"