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We had a MFM but now wife getting too attached to the male

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Guest smpdjd

Hey all... So we had this delicious 3 some with a guy. The first time we'd ever done anything remotely like it. It was a joint decision and we both really liked it. But, my wife and the guy got pretty intense and now she can't stop thinking about him. So much so that she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.

 

She's all confused about her feelings. We have kids, been happily married for a long time, truly have a great sex life. But now she wants to sleep with him one on one and I am very confused about this, so is she. Part of me wants to let her have this experience but I'm afraid she'll want more and it'll turn into an affair and then we have a giant mess on our hands with the kids and all, and the other part of me is hurt and jealous and I feel the neanderthal inside me lurking. It's not as if the guy was a great lover either, far from it... wouldn't go down on her.

 

It's just that she's been a loyal faithful wonderful wife but now she's let the genie out of the bottle. Not sure what the hell I'm supposed to do... Thoughts? :mad:

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:sad: well, first of all, you must let her express her feeling,she is excited I think with the new attention. I hope you had some guidelines set down,what was uncomfortable to her and you before hand. You just do not meet the other guy in a 3some separate from your hubby, did you talk about what you would do if different situations come up?? YOU must tell her you are not comfortable with what her has done.

 

I hope the two of you can work this out so you both will be stronger and closer as true lovers. I hope she realize that this is just for fun,not to be confused with "feeling" of anything but yes, it felt good and that is all. It is very hard for a women to separate love from just good sex, if she feels confused then you must help her to realize that this new exciting feelings, is just part of the "fun of swinging" does not mean she has given him anything but SEX,not loving feelings,some swingers refrain from using the word love.

 

Your age and the years married and background of your wife and you will all play a part in how we should give you advice. We still are learning as we go in this lifestyle ourselves and I hope you and your wife can talk this out and both be comfortable, this advice board is a good start. Good luck and bring her to the computer with you and read and talk together.

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You need to tell her your thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with her meeting him without you, she needs to know you are uncomfortable. Your relationship should always come first and she should abandon the idea once she knows your feelings.

 

Just remember (and remind her) that everything should move at the pace of the slowest member!

 

Personally, I won't do any meeting without my hubby... but I know that many others do. I'm sure you'll hear from others, but whatever happens, you both need to be comfortable!!

 

Good luck.

 

Mrs. FLKeys

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She's found a new toy, a totally new kind of experience. She wants more but, as twobears said it is hard to separate sex from more serious feelings. You need to talk a lot about this and bringing her to this site could help give her some perspective. After a few more times with different people she may learn that it is the novelty, not the guy. She may need to talk to another woman about this so you could touch base with a couple to talk about swinging and maybe expand her experience base so she isn't hung up on just this one guy.

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Be honest and upfront with her about how you feel. If you only want them to be together with you around then make that a condition. Telling her to stop seeing him all together could cause you more problems in the long run as she may decide to have an affair that leaves you completely in the dark. Hopefully your wife will do the right thing. Good luck.

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now she wants to sleep with him one on one

 

This part of your post worries me most. :nono:

 

Swinging with a single male (to us) is simply sex. No emotions other than physical attraction get involved. There should be no interaction outside the bedroom with the 3 of you involved (in my opinion).

 

Yes, I may think of the other male after the sex is over as a nice memory (and the occasional bad one), but my hubby is always number 1.

 

I would, however, re-evaluate your boundaries and communicate your feelings before moving on. Fun, drama-free sex is what this is all about to us.

 

Mrs. D

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There may be those who don't like or agree with my take on this. But I'm not running for president so here goes. I think your marriage is or WAS not as strong as you believed. So far the advice given has been to talk to her. Let her know your feelings, blah blah blah. I'm sure you already have right? If not, what's wrong with you? IMO she is asking for permission to cheat on you and some would say she already has. Even if you agree or go along with it because she gave you an ultimatum in my book that is cheating. You two have more problems going on other than this incident that need to be addressed. I don't buy that the poor girl is confused. If this had been a woman posting, I don't think the responses would have been so forgiving. I am sorry to be so blunt and I feel bad for you. But if you both play with this guy again or let her play alone with him then you deserve anything that transpires. You need to put your foot down and fast. If you piss her off then so be it.

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Your wife has found a new toy that is willing to pay attention to her. That is natural but if not controlled right by her it can destroy your relationship.

 

You two need to step back and ask yourself why you really want to be in this lifestyle. Many look at the relationships that the ones of us have in this Lifestyle and wish to have the same but the truth is MOST people do not have the type of relationship it takes to be in this Lifestyle.

 

This Lifestyle is not for everyone. It really is not for most. Consider what is more important to you. Getting some on the side or your family and then make the decision that works for you.

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smpdjd said:
...my wife and the guy got pretty intense and now she can't stop thinking about him.. so much so that she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings.

smpdjd ~

 

I read your other thread that I presume is about your first (and only, thus far?) swing experience with this man. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

When I read stories like yours the first thing I think about is how honest, mature, and communicative a couple is with each other because I think these factors are so crucial to what your outcome will be in this situation.

 

Since you have been married for 18 years you are probably in your early 40s. I'm presuming neither of you have had sex with other people since before you were married. Sex with someone new is fresh and very exciting. In many ways it's like dating again and with that comes the adrenaline rush that 'new sex' brings. This can be one of the great pleasures of swinging IF it is understood for what it is, not love, not substitution for one's spouse, but the flattery of attention from someone new. If your wife can see this new relationship for what it is, then you can work with this. If not, you will have a difficult if not impossible time swinging.

 

I am concerned about your statement "she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings." "Managed" sounds like she made a concerted effort to reach him that was beyond the ordinary. And then for him to stop by to see her at work? Why do this? This could jeopardize trust (which sounds like it may already be questioned) and prompt co-workers to wonder what this guy means to your wife. People can easily see when something is brewing that's horny and hot between a man and a woman. Did your wife tell you beforehand that she was going to call him? Did the man show up invited or uninvited at the workplace? Whether the answers are yes or no, I don't think it is a wise step to take with a swing partner until you have a long relationship established and trust developed, which you don't have at this point.

 

Your wife now wants to play with him alone and this would be the second time to play with him and I don't believe you've played with anyone else. Is this correct? It's way too early to be doing this with your relationship so new with this guy and you having no other swinging experience. I'd suggest taking things much slower. He wasn't even a good lover which leads me to believe it is the newness of all of this that excites your wife, not the man. And if he is such a poor performer, he may be hungering for a woman like your wife who is so eager to give him a second chance after a first poor performance. His interest in her may be to prove to himself that he can make a better showing the second time.

 

You've seen a great change in your wife since her first swing - and you had to coax her into swinging to begin with - so I wonder if she has even taken time to learn what swinging can involve on an emotional level. If she hasn't been reading this Board, have her get involved. She will then be with you in your exploration here and what she and you learn together can help you make better decisions.

 

Your feelings and concerns are justified. I sense you want her happiness, but that won't be possible if it is at the expense of your happiness. As a couple you must be a team and proceed together, communicating every concern and thought.

 

Explain to your wife what makes you uncomfortable about how she is handling herself with this man. Let her know you feel more discussion is needed before you proceed further swinging with him or anyone. And if that means YOU don't want to have a 3sum with this guy again, say so. You certainly aren't ready to see your wife play alone with him so tell her that. That is perfectly okay to do. If she made the same request of you if the situation were reversed - you had a 3sum with a single female and wanted to play alone - wouldn't you listen to your wife if she objected? I would hope so.

 

Please let us know how things develop.

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Tell her its a no no, if she's like this now you never know how it will end,she loves you and hes anew toy and she wants to play with him but if she not sure of her feelings, then going one on one will totally do her head in! too much risk and hurt is lurking around the corner.

 

I can't get over the idea she called him and met him at work, that's a big red flag and time to put and end to it but be thoughtful and tell her why and your concerns try to make her see sense without you actually telling her to stop things,try to make her see that its stupid and for her to say stop.

 

Hope that makes sense.

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I have to agree with VegasLee on this one. Some people are not meant to swing and that's OK. My family means more to me than anything, including sex.

 

We've had conversations before with other couples about women, who really are the more emotional ones, who can't separate love and sex. Don't get me wrong -- Some women do fine with it, and some men have this same trouble, too. Sex does not equal love and there should be no emotions even remotely resembling love with a swing partner.

 

What I do have after sex with a swing partner is a powerful urge to be with my own spouse. He is the one I love and have feelings for. I always like the men I have sex with, they're funny, they're nice and they're a hell of a sex partner, but that is as far as the feelings go. It's just sex. Sex and making love with my spouse is still better than anything else I've experienced.

 

Again, in my opinion, if your marriage was as strong as you believe it is, she should have no urge to run and go play with this man one-on-one. She wants your blessings to cheat in my opinion, and that's not good.

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she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today

 

This explains my position. The big question is did you know about this beforehand? My guess is you didn't by the way you posed the statement.

Please keep us informed as to how this turns out. How you handle it and the outcome may help others in the same situation or prevent it all together. I would imagine this sort thing is a big worry for some newbies. It was for us at the very beginning but we have come to realize our marriage and love for each other is so strong that this almost seems impossible. We all know nothing is impossible but we have talked so much about the what ifs that I trust her completely and my instincts. If it were to happen then we didn't have the marriage we thought had. That my friend is where you are at now and the reason you posted. You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective and something else to think about instead of the poor girl is excited because it is new.

 

Likeminds has given the best advice so far and I hope you heed it.

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Guest smpdjd

Wow!! This site is truly amazing, so much sensitive thoughtful feedback. Thanks all so much. A little more background on this. It's important that I don't paint a picture of myself as some whiny little victim with the insatiable wife, this is a two way street for sure.

We met a couple a few weeks prior to our 3 some..They came on really strong and although my wife wasn't attracted to him at all, his wife was super attracted to me! Anyway.. To cut a long story short. They emailed us the next day and said that she would love to have a one on one with me..And even though I wasn't particularly attracted to her, she was smart and really nice and I was flattered. My wife and I discussed it and she sanctioned it. Truthfully though I wasn't that interested but because I'm a guy I went ahead anyway and made love to her using all my best chops lol.gif.bd677ce98fc087eb3bf692de1582fa8f partly because I could sense she really needed to do it - it was their first time - and they seemed to have it all sorted out in their heads..So I did it.

It wasn't memorable but non the less I had a one on one and I think that is partly why I want to allow my wife to have the same. She doesn't hold it over my head or anything. She's not that kind of woman and it certainly isn't about payback. She's just, as somebody said, found a new toy and she is a very passionate and sexy woman. The guy is gorgeous and fun and sweet, I like him and I can see why she likes him but he came looking for her not her for him..And she felt like a teenager again.

All totally forgivable, I mean god knows I have had some crushes on other women over the years that I thought were real but then one day I woke up and realized they were fantasy and not even remotely reciprocated. Who hasn't right?

Still a part of me still wants her to have this experience so she'll see that what made that night so great was that I was there with her, sharing it, participating, loving her. She goes one on one with him and she'll see that he's like so many people. Afraid of intimacy, unable to sustain a full erection/arousal etc. Someone else pointed out that he may want to try her a second time to see if he can get aroused because maybe he has issues. I suspect that is close to the truth..I hate to be crude but my wife is the sexiest damn woman I've ever known and her pussy is tight and sweet wink.gif.71881846cddc3d40d5f66ab054eb9c4 but he couldn't cum for the longest time and it wasn't about stamina. He had one move and that was it. When he did cum he sounded so surprised and relieved I wondered to myself what was going on.

Anyway the point is I would beat this guy around the head with a baseball bat if he hurt my wife. She is highly desirable but very vulnerable. 19 years with one guy is a long time. I fully get why she might want to do this. But we are sitting here together reading other posts and she is correcting my spelling so we have no secrets. And best of all she does feel a little more grounded after reading your comments so thank you so much, it really helps. I think we'll stick with couples from here on out if we ever do it again.

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LikeMinds321 said:
I am concerned about your statement "she managed to get in touch with him and he stopped by her work today.. she's all confused about her feelings." "Managed" sounds like she made a concerted effort to reach him that was beyond the ordinary. And then for him to stop by to see her at work? Why do this? This could jeopardize trust (which sounds like it may already be questioned)

 

Dito

 

smpdjd,

 

Have you and your wife ever discussed swinging with a couple? There is equality in this - you are getting the same thing out of it that she's getting. If you've discussed this before, is she willing or interested in this? The answer to this might be telling.

 

Best wishes to you!

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des1re06 said:
This part of your post worries me most. :nono:

 

Swinging with a single male (to us) is simply sex.

Mrs. D

 

I find that a lot of profiles state that the man is allowed to play alone with a female. Just curious, would you consider this to be "simply sex".

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It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship, very honest and open, which is always great to hear. I'd be inclined to say it's just the learning curve that every newbie couple goes through. Sort of like hitting puberty and saying, "What's happening to my body?" lol One surprising thing we discovered was that problems are only problems if you allow them to be. For many couples, the idea of playing solo - especially so early on in your swinging 'career' - is very reckless. For many (most?) it is not something that they find is worth the risk. As you said, you would beat the shit out of the guy if he hurt your wife, but if you're not there, then there is a risk (however remote) that this could happen. Sex makes otherwise sane people do some pretty fucked up things.

 

I like what LikeMinds said:

Sex with someone new is fresh and very exciting. In many ways it's like dating again and with that comes the adrenaline rush that 'new sex' brings. This can be one of the great pleasures of swinging IF it is understood for what it is, not love, not substitution for one's spouse, but the flattery of attention from someone new. If your wife can see this new relationship for what it is, then you can work with this. If not, you will have a difficult if not impossible time swinging.

 

We all have to figure out how we feel about love and sex, how they are related, and how they differ. It's a highly personal thing and no one can learn it for us. This is, I guess, where you get down to the nitty gritty of the trust thing. Do you trust one another to be able to discern these things? Do you trust one another to make the right decisions when you are faced with them? Do you trust one another to value your own relationship the way it should be valued? What you two are about to explore is just about the scariest thing you can do in a relationship: allow one another to compare whether the grass really IS greener on the other side, try it out, and trust each other to realize that, no, the grass isn't any greener...it's just different. When you both discover that, I promise you it will liberate your relationship in ways that will just astonish you. You can't imagine the kind of freedom this allows you! To never have to wonder again whether or not your spouse is wishing he or she would be happier elsewhere. You know he/she wouldn't because you've given him/her the freedom to compare you to others, and you have been found to be better than anything else out there. The inherent risk, of course, is that you might be found lacking...but then again, if you're truly living the life you should be, being true to yourself, and you have devoted much time and energy to nurturing a beautiful, loving relationship the way it sounds you have...there shouldn't be anything better for either of you out there.

 

This other guy doesn't sound like much of a threat, to be honest. Not so great in bed (one trick you say?), nervous and wants to see her alone? Nah. This is one reason we've liked playing with couples, not single guys. We've found that any single guys we met had difficulty understanding their place in the swinging dynamic, figuring that I was somehow unsatisfied with my own husband. Why else would I be out looking for SuperStud? They haven't seemed to understand the concept of relationship boundaries, and they can't relate to Mr. intuition's desire to "share" me with another man, figuring that if he doesn't respect me, they don't need to either. So they would get to treat me like I'm a whore, or they would become confused and want to "resuce" me. We still haven't played with a single person yet. It's just too difficult to find one that can understand things from our perspective (ie: someone who has experience swinging as a couple, but is now single...but didn't divorce because of swinging).

 

If it were Mr. intuition and I, I'd say we would allow one another to explore these confusing feelings in order to sort them out once and for all. Our philosophy is that our relationship is what it is, and if it's not meant to last, we'd rather know sooner than later so we don't waste each other's time. We know that denying one another this freedom (for us) would only be counter-productive, possibly fostering a sense of resentment or frustration in that lack of trust that we would choose wisely. I would want him to say, "Go, and find out what it is you really want. Is it him? Is it me? Is it both? You can have whatever you want." It's exactly what I would tell him. Then again, we've left our relationship very flexible in this respect. Neither of us is interested in a poly relationship right now, but we've discussed the possibility and we're both quite open to that. This is what we would do. Let the infatuation run it's cute little course, and let her find out that this isn't love. It's just a new toy, and it's a helluva lot of fun to play with. She'll get bored with this other guy. It sounds like he's a little confused. It wouldn't surprise me to find out he's having difficulty separating love and sex, and is seeking separate playtime because he feels uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with another man's wife...at least while he's there and knows about it. If he can get you away from him, Mrs. smpdjd, you'll probably find that he'll try to "make love" to you, and not just have sex. He'll try to "treat you right" the way your husband "can't". And he may try to lure you into seeing him on the sly. Any time a play partner tries to put him/herself up as your spouse's emotional equal, or tries to draw you away from your spouse and towards him or her, they're up to no good. Just recognize it for what it is, and do the right thing.

 

Best of luck to you both. :kissface:

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I find that a lot of profiles state that the man is allowed to play alone with a female. Just curious, would you consider this to be "simply sex".

 

Since playing alone is not part of our comfort level, I can't respond for others.

 

I was just pointing out that we don't get emotionally involved to the extent that either of us would play without the other (at this time).

 

Mrs. D

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Guest smpdjd

Once again i have to thank everyone for the advice. We decided to try the couples thing even though the 3some scenario is out sexiest fantasy. We're just not sure how the couples thing will pan out. So maybe a club scene might be a good way to go.

As far as letting my wife try this guy out and hope that it will peter out. That was my original intention. I truly in my heart know where it's going with this guy. But somehow I'm not ready to see her come home smiling from a night of fun. We have kids and all the drama that goes with it forces us to make a decision that maybe the mrs may resent but for now I think we've got to the point where we can live with it. He may show up at her work again although she sent him an email explaining her decision and why she feels it's not a good idea etc. etc. So we'll see.

Also wanted to ask. I feel that in my second posting a I was insensitive when I described the one on one encounter I had with the wife of a couple we met. It never occurred to me that they might read this and recognize themselves. So how do I go back in and edit my posts?


Thanks

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I do think that you need to tell her how you are feeling. I don't think its you being a neanderthal, but you all experiencing something new and maybe not totally discussing your feelings and desires first.

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Personally, I really like you guys. Glad that she's hanging around and correcting your spelling... you sound like a really fun couple.

 

What you are practicing is more of an open marriage model... a lot of people do this. That's where you go on your own individual dates only you don't have to worry about losing your virginity.

 

If you discuss this model between you, and purposefully decide that that's what you want to do, then, by no means is it cheating any more than swinging is. Right now, I would consider you guys to be in a grey, unexplored, unresearched area, so I wouldn't be quite so quick to accuse you of cheating.

 

And I know several couples where the wife has one other boyfriend, and the hubby has one other girlfriend, and they are very much in love with each other. There are many with long-term threesomes where everyone is happy. (Personally, I don't think a long-term threesome would work for us, but I know a few where it works famously.)

 

I'm guessing that your wife may have the "Ahh--it's springtime and I'm in love (only with 2 men) syndrome." Tell her not to worry, summer, fall, and winter come along, too. We can all be susceptible to this enamouring of "in-love-ness."

 

You might try a joint listening session to the old song, "Escape" by Rupert Holmes.

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I rarely disagree with Intuition but If the husband knew nothing in advance about the guy showing up at her work than I wouldnt exactly call the guy or the situation harmless. Also, If she "managed" this visit without the OP knowing it, I'll stick to my take on this. Neither do I buy the confused theory. Confused about what? She is an adult who is supposedly in a strong marriage. Who in a strong marriage would do something like this? This was their first time doing anything like this and already there is sneaking around? If is she so prone to having these kinds of feelings for a playmate, especially after the first time, that tells me there are problems they are not addressing or even know about. Hopefully they both learned something from this. If she had her husbands blessing for this meetup at work then I'm completely wrong and forget anything I said. If he didn't then I don't understand why some are so willing blow it off as nothing. I mean come on! A new toy? WTF

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Guest smpdjd

ok.. lovinher.. the majority of the posts have been so constructive and helpful and then we read your post and it makes my blood boil. 1 because you upset my wife and two because your cheap psychology is uncalled for and plain rude.. don't presume to know the details of our marriage..you know only what we have told you. he happens to work half a block away from her and passes by every day it was inevitable that something like this would happen. And you have never felt the urge to step outside of your perfect marriage? hmm then you're alone ..we;ve been married a long time, 18 years, and I think my wife deserves to have these feelings of lust and desire.. God only knows I have..we fantasize about it al the time. She's human and perhaps if i was a bigger man i could let her but we're not there yet. One day I hope we will be. Y :mad: ou sit there and smugly suggest that we have problems.. the only problem we have are arrogant ignoramuses like you commenting on something they know nothing about..if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say it.. yes I'm pissed :mad:

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smpdjd said:
ok.. lovinher.. the majority of the posts have been so constructive and helpful and then we read your post and it makes my blood boil.

 

I think your anger and aggression is a bit misdirected. I read back through lovinher's posts and while I would not have used as blunt and in-your-face tone that he did, I do agree with almost everything he said and think that you should catch your breath a bit and take heed of what people including if not especially lovinher are telling you.

 

In reading your original post I see some major red flags and think that you both need to step back and each reevaluate what is taking place both within your marriage and what it is you are hoping for in a swinging relationship.

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Guest smpdjd

I'm sorry but with respect, you are clueless about the situation. Re: lovinher's reply, some people just like to be contrary rather than constructive. Teenagers for instance. The purpose of the post was to elicit responses from those who have faced similar situations and not so that wannabe amateur psychiatrists could form opinions based on their own projections. His responses hurt my wife and yes I agree my tone was aggressive but I make no apologies.

 

Thanks to the excellent and kind responses we received we were really able to talk thru it all and she wrote an email to him explaining clearly what was going on for her. They met today and she reinforced her feelings in person. She feels liberated, she told me everything that was said and tonight we'll have even greater sex than we've been having all week. Had the guy responded to our follow up email in a timely fashion and not gone hunting for her then we might have considered plying with him again. That's what she told him and i believe her. Trust is the key. Finally .. Nobody should ever presume to know what is going on between another married couple. :nono:

I'm really a very mellow guy believe it or not :lol: but I am very protective about my wife and our marriage. She is my best friend more than a wife. We are life partners and we share everything. This is the biggest test we have gone thru and we'll be better and stronger for it.

Thanks again to all those who were so kind and supportive. It really helped us both put things into perspective.

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Sex with this guy wasn't that good but still she wants to meet him? Then for sure this guy have something else to offer, something you're not ware of, and this is what worries me the most.

 

I wonder how things evolved to reach the MFM experience, who bring up the subject, or if there were pressures. A lot of people (mostly women due to what they learn in this culture) are "wired" in such a way that sex must be pegged to feelings, and it could happen that even when "convinced" about this being "just sex", her need to rely on feelings lead to develop something resembling feelings enough as to enable her to feel comfortable, and once there, it'd be hard for her to break the bond.

 

You need to talk to your wife, not only to set up the boundaries for what's right or wrong or hurtful, also to understand where those "feelings" came from.

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Guest smpdjd

Thanks. We talked deeply about it. The reason she was/is still attracted to him is that he is drop dead gorgeous! Simple as that. He's kind of her fantasy guy and even though our night was incredibly sexy it was she and i who made it so. It's hard to say no to a beautiful guy when he's this good looking and sweet too but she's through it now. They met today and she feels great about it. She'll probably still have some lingering feelings for a while. I have terrible crushes on women that i mistook for love even recently. It takes time and trust. We have both.

You, just understand too that after 18 years of marriage when a guy like this suddenly takes interest in you it's hard not to have your head turned around. She's only human after all. But like I said we have talked it to death and will continue to talk it. He still plays a role in out fantasy life. Neither of us can believe we actually did this. It was the hottest and craziest thing we've ever done. We can't wait to do it again but this time we have a few more skills going in. Thanks.

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.. the only problem we have are arrogant ignoramuses like you commenting on something they know nothing about..if you have nothing constructive to say then don't say it.. yes I'm pissed :mad:

 

I don't think lovinher is being out of line in stating his opinion on the matter, and my interpretation is that he was simply trying to be helpful, rather bluntly, but we're not all literary geniuses here either. (myself included)

 

This board isn't a place for name calling and personal attacks.

 

Mr. Truelove

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I/we only know what you have told us. Your post and responses are full of red flags and contradictions. Sereneiders and many others have made some good points. Of course communication is the thing to do and it seems you are doing just that. Great! There are all kinds of people on this board with all kinds of opinions. Some you will agree with, some not. You posted for a reason. You said yourself you are confused and you are afraid this will turn into an affair! So I gave you my opinion. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear. I am straight and to the point, some people appreciate it, some don't. My position stands. If you want some kind of cuddly answer then write Dear Abby and ignore what others in this post are saying and follow the ones who sugar coat it.

 

This was your first time. Your wife obviously developed feelings for the guy the very first time out, according to your post anyway. Doesn't that tell you anything? Until the reasons behind what transpired here are resolved then in my clueless, smug and rude opinion you two should not be swinging. So now you are committed to playing with couples only. Why is that? Are you afraid a single guy might present the same problem? Are you afraid this will happen again? You say you want to give her this and she deserves it. Give her what? The chance at lust and desire? So as long as it is a married guy you are ok with it? Maybe for good reasons. If you really mean that why did you post your dilemma? What happened to the trust you say you have? That alone tells me you are not comfortable with her and another single guy. Which is not unusual but flies in face of what you are pissed at me about. When you posted you said "she managed to meet him" So what is it? Did she set it up or did he just drop by? You still have not made that clear. I'm curious as to how you found out about it. If she told you then good for her. If not, well then something is wrong. So he walks by her work everyday and you call their meeting inevitable. Sorry but I meet hot woman everyday, my meeting them on the sly is not inevitable and does not and will not happen. BTW, I'v been married 28 years and have NEVER had the desire to step outside my marriage. Wether you believe that or not makes no difference to me. I don't beleive I'm alone in that either.

You seem to be missing the point. Explore the reasons this happened in the first place then make your decision together with boundries you both can handle. If you can trust her completely as you say you do (worrying about an affair is not trust) then go on to swinging. I am glad you seemed to have worked this out for now but I don't believe you have resolved the underlying issue. So blast me all you want. If it makes you feel better so be it.

I, in my own way was trying to help you. You can take it or leave it. Let us know how your next few experiences go. If you followed the advice given here by many in this thread then you should be fine.

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smpdjd said:
I'm sorry but with respect, you are clueless about the situation.

 

You are correct, I do not know all about the situation. All any of us have to go on is what you have written to us and from what you have written I see a road paved with red flags and when someone points that out without sugar coating you attack them. When you originally said that lovinher's comments hurt your wife my thought was of course it did because he called her out on it and she didn't like getting busted. Sometimes I think people get the most pissed off at the people that tell it like it really is and the people getting mad know they are right but it is not what they are wanting to hear.

 

I hope things are as worked out and ok as you say it now is. I still agree with my original advice in that I think you both need to step back and go back to the drawing board. I am not trying to get down on you but rather asking you to shed your anger and take a real hard look at everything and see what is really there and not just what you are wishing was there.

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Guest smpdjd

Good God...stop with the cheap psychology already people. It's like a bad episode of Dr. Phil. Seriously...we're okay... honestly :)

 

These comments about red flags etc are just plain silly. We had a great night, my wife got her feelings confused, we are both very sexual passionate people. This guy is a nice guy, nobody got hurt, it's over and all very forgivable. If it was me in her shoes I'm sure I'd have felt the same. Next time we'll choose somebody different... I promise.

 

But I had to laugh out loud when Saint Mr lovinher confessed to never even having a thought in over 25 years of being with another women. I'm calling the catholic church right now to submit his name :lol:

 

Thanks folks...

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smpdjd said:
But i had to laugh out loud when Saint Mr lovinher confessed to never even having a thought in over 25 years of being with another women.

 

Just stepping in here briefly to point out that Lovinher's post wasn't about not having a "thought" about another woman in 20-something years. He said that he hasn't met them "on the sly" or stepped outside of the marriage (as in cheating) in all these years.

 

Two different animals. ;)

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Now I'm a liar too. OK...you win. Sorry I wasted your time. It won't happen again.

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Guys we are pretty new to this board and fairly new to swinging but seems to us that there are many people on these boards that just try and cause conflict....I guess the term used is trolling :trolls:

 

We have read many of the posts by luvinher and are pretty sure they have a good idea what the lifestyle is about. The individual whom started this post has thrown up a million red flags with this relationship...then as soon as soon as someone contradicted the normal response he got upset. I am sorry but if you can't handle the reality of receiving different opinions on here then you may not be cut out for it after all. But from the red flags that we saw they all seemed to go one direction...they all pointed south.

 

And if this was a trolling expedition it seemed to work to cause undue conflict on the boards.

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I just wanted to say that I am glad you and your wife were able to talk and move past this little bump in the road. That is wonderful for you!! May you keep on the same track.

 

 

As far as red flags . . . everyone's marriage has at least one. Married swingers are not perfect examples of marriage at times. Give up the red flags already

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As far as red flags . . . everyone's marriage has at least one. Married swingers are not perfect examples of marriage at times. Give up the red flags already

 

just wanted to clarify what we were saying...not saying the red flags were about there marriage but in regards to the single gentleman whom apparently does not understand boundaries.

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I haven't read all the replies, but I read a lot. This is a new section to me, I read the poly forums mostly. You're situation sounds kind of like mine. My wife met a guy, well actually before she met him, she had feelings for him, just from talking to him. She struggled and fought and tortured herself over what's "right and wrong". She thougth she wanted a divorce, she didn't know what to feel about him, she struggled with A LOT of stuff. In the end, she decided she was in love with both of us. We're a triad at this point, a little over a year later, and not a few fights and struggles in between. Difference with us, it didn't start as swinging, we tried one 3 some down the line, but he's not with that, and like someone said back in here, the pace of the slowest member. She needs to do some real soul searching, as do you, it could be a passing fad, or she may really want him like she has you. I stayed open and flexible, my wife means too much to me to just blow her off and be done with it over some jealousy, especially if she still wants me. I learned to accept that she is in love with two guys, and we are both willing to be with her together. We like it, but it's not for everyone.

 

 

TTFN :)

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cutecouple39 said:
As far as red flags . . . everyone's marriage has at least one. Married swingers are not perfect examples of marriage at times. Give up the red flags already

 

just wanted to clarify what we were saying...not saying the red flags were about there marriage but in regards to the single gentleman whom apparently does not understand boundaries.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I somehow missed that! :rolleyes:

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ok, read this again. It is simple for me. If my wife wants to spend time alone with another man she can file for divorce.

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Guest smpdjd

Hi all, so I wanted to apologize to those folks who I blew up at.. Sometimes I can be like an attack dog when I feel I'm cornered. In the cold light of day and after much soul searching I re-read all the posts..And my wife and i have acknowledged that maybe this is a sign of a major transition in our otherwise lovely marriage.

We talked and talked and talked and finally feel like we've crossed the bridge. I have given her my full support to go out and sleep with this guy! Mad I know but she can't stop thinking about him.It's all consuming and frankly, I'm done with it.Maybe maybe she really does need to be outside of the relationship for a while and maybe at the end of it all we are just going to be friends.

She knows full well what is involved and if she wants to continue the relationship after her first encounter. We go to plan b.. Truth is i wouldn't mind some time away from the drudgery of kids and school and work and shopping, making dinner etc.

If this guy has real feelings for her as she seems to think he does and if her feelings are reciprocated then what can i do about it but wish them luck. I certainly don't want to stay with someone who'd rather be elsewhere and i ain't no cuckold either. I still think he wants a quick fuck but i just sound like a jealous hubby and the truth is they really did seem to have a real connection that night. I asked her why she'd want to be with a guy who although very hot, was such a crappy lover and she didn't know!!

But honestly deep down, I feel relief. There have been a number of women over the years who I have turned away from because of loyalty and I admit I felt some resentment that I wasn't allowed to play with them..It's funny that this should all come full circle. I feel calm right now...And oddly optimistic.

I'll keep you posted.

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Sounds much the way my life went. About 12 years ago, my wife had a similar experience where she thought she wanted a friend of ours. Lasted about a month maybe less, before she said "what was I thinking?" I had also told her to go on and try him, I will be here for you regardless. But that's what she means to me. This time around, she really has genuine feelings for our triad partner and their relationship has gone thru rocky stuff and has lasted a little over a year. She and I are still together, she and he are still together. Love is a funny thing. Some people may think I am stupid for allowing her to do the things she needs to do, but I quote(and bonus points to anyone that can tell me where it comes from)..........

 

 

"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

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I say you need to get her into a few more different 3 sums, like with 2 or 3 other guys or take her to a swingers party and introduce her to several other guys / couples and you both participate, or find 3 or 4 guys to participate in a 5 or 6 sum.

 

I know this sounds risky, but it may be just what she needs to realize the nature of her feelings and her and yours position in all this. Right now she is stuck on this one guy, spread her feelings out if that's the way her mind thinks and her reasoning will tell her she can't feel that way about all these guys.

 

But if your wife is a nympho....you could be adding fuel...but can it get worse? Your looking at the same outcome if you two split up.

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There is enough drama in this single post for a TV mini series. We still haven't taken the steps into swinging and as we've been following this thread we are beginning to wonder if we really want to. Geez.

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We know the feeling! It happened at the beginning of our openness. I could only suggest that as a man, do everything possible, all the time, to convey your love and devotion to her. Often this is forgotten in the every day activity of a relationship. We have been together for thirty plus years and we have worked to make our relationship something neither would want to separate from. One, I think, has to conclude that our spouse is a free person, to make decisions on his or her own. Before any activity happens it is an absolute requirement that there is complete communication between each person. No Surprises. When each is sure that a threesome or moresome can take without untoward feelings then I think it is OK.

 

Yes I have been involved in threesomes and my sweetie could have done the same but with communication between us the decision to go ahead with a one on one would be a mutual decision. BTW we firmly believe that if both know what the relationship situation with others is, we do not consider it cheating. Others might disagree but we have been very successful with dating others as long as there is total honesty between us The details aren't always necessary but knowing can be very erotic and enhance sex between us when we are together again.

 

Again, others might not desire our type of relationship but it eliminates the stress and frustration that so many go through when a "one on one" takes place after the threesome or moresome.

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Guest smpdjd

Holy shit..my marriage of 18 years is over! My wife left today.. my birthday of all days and I feel like I don't even know who she is any more..my head is spinning.. i want to smash shit up..i want to weep and i want revenge but the kids are with me and I have to be daddy...what a fool I've been!!!

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It's good that the kids are with you - it should keep you calmer than you could do without them there. Just breath and read them a book - it might not make sense to you, but they'll enjoy it and it will keep you breathing.

 

The more time that passes the easier your taking a breath will be, and you need to stay calm.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened. It's hard to even suggest, but stay calm and as time passes your thoughts and emotions will play out - and even out.

 

Time heals - even if it's a temporary fix, time will help you get through the day and night.

 

Keep writing here, and as much as you don't want to hear it, just remember that if she left with a new partner, then there had to be deeper issues - the marriage couldn't have been too strong - at least in her mind.

 

Again.. breath and spend time with the kids. THEY need YOU, and believe it or not, YOU need THEM.

 

Mrs. FLKeys

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I hate to tell you, but you never had a grip on the situation from the start. I would have told her no before she got the sentence or question out. I then would have gotten with him and her on the phone or met some place, to let both know that not the way it`s going to be. This is not what you swing for. You should have let it be known. The problem with him is he is selfish, a fool to step in a marriage like this. I don`t have any respect for a man that could ruin children or a marriage. I`m sorry you are going through this, it`s not easy. I hope your wife snaps out of this and comes home quick. If this goes on too long your going to have more problems, because you will never trust her again, or at least I wouldn`t. I hope you and her get this under control. Take care of the kids. I hope the best for your family.

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This is totally the shits, man. I am so sorry.

 

I can't fathom how much you're hurting right now, but as best I can, I'll grieve with you.

 

Again, so sorry.

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InNY said:
There is enough drama in this single post for a TV mini series. We still haven't taken the steps into swinging and as we've been following this thread we are beginning to wonder if we really want to. Geez.

 

Definitely have to agree w/ this but then again we're looking for a FMF not a MFM

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