counseling/swinging/low self esteem

[polywog]

I'm rather new here, so most of you posters don't know me and this post may serve as intro. Hi.

I own the distinction of being a preacher's kid (Mom) and a therapist's kid (Dad). I guess that qualifies me as an heretical nut case like the shoemaker's kid has no shoes.

I loved reading this thread. It expresses so much warmth and candor that I am moved to tears. Perhaps that's more because of my own marrital issues and loneliness. That said, I am proud to participate in this dialogue. There is so much I want to say. I'll try to be brief.

Above advice re: counselor selection is good. Seems tho that the choice has been made.

Irritating as it feels, the cliche question in response to our question to the helping professional is a functional aspect of the relationship and is hard to get away from because the help can have nothing to do with professional approval per se. What he thinks is pretty irrelevant. My therapist offers no special comment to my statements re swapping partners. I don't ask point blank questions about it. It's not that I don't suffer doubt about my motives to share my wife or to screw my neighbor's, but if there's a problem here, swinging is just a symptom. Is there a drug I can take to aleviate it? pnum, pnum, pnum!

Converstion revolves around my experience of life, marriage, parrenthood, etc. His typical responses are to direct my attention with questions like, 'Did I think that was going to get me closer to my stated goals?' Then: 'What behavior, or communication do I think might get me closer to them?' or 'Do I think such and such might work?'

It could be said I am an experienced client. So my shrink doesn't generally need to lead me to my feelings much. I understand that how I FEEL about things is what leads me towards wellbeing, not my thoughts or opinions. Thoughts and opinions are distractions sometimes called "stories" or at best, merely introductions to the real agenda: my state of BEING. Counseling that we 'normal folk' (as opposed to 'abnormal') do is typically existential. Acceptance of ourselves as we are, and the feelings we find out we have as we explore ourselves are the "shit", "the bomb", and the "balm".

Tarnished, please keep the above paragraph in mind as it helps you get your moneys worth! If your heart doesn't get squeezed by what you do during that hour, either during or later, your progress will be limited. You might need a little practice...

My wife is returning to counseling (I think/hope) after 12 years since her last individual counseling experience. I believe her situation is a bit like yours in these ways; we identified her as having low self esteem (I think we are correct), she is confronted with requests or demands that she change her act (I don't push her to swing, but I have been heavy about developing deeper intimacy with me via honesty and trust). The threat is felt by her tho that w/o change she could loose her family.

There are differences too. She suffered a childhood trauma that she had thought did not present an ongoing dilema for her and her loved ones. Also, we have had several years of marriage counseling under our belts.

I would like to offer in closing, some words of encouragement and caution. It sounds like your husband is supportive of your effort. This a great boon even if he simply expects that the result will get him some sweet young pussy. He may be suprised that he has some growing up to do himself, but let him come to that by himself. I had to turn my attention away from my wife's problems and take care of my own for the last two years. The upshot seems to give her some rest and the room to accept her PTSD.

You have the gift of humility in seeking help and sharing your experince with us, tho there must be some pain involved for you to make the call and set the first appointment. Keep working! There will be lots of pain and it takes time to heal wounds. Finally, I have found that my formulations of my problems are part of them and the reality is always a surprise! Hence: counseling is an adventure!

Love and luck to you.