How can I deal with these feelings of insecurity?

[tandcfromma]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we have talked about getting into swinging for quite some time now. We have actually met with another couple but it didn't turn out to be as much fun as we expected, although it was very erotic and satisfying for the most part. We were hoping for more interaction between all of us rather than the actual swapping of partners that happened. We did learn from it though...

Anyway, my question is about an insecurity
I have that I just can't seem to shake or learn how to deal with. You see, in my husband's eyes I have always been 'the best.' He has only been with a handful of women
before so I don't doubt the sincerity of his
statement. What I am afraid of is that if we get deeper into this lifestyle, he will have the chance to be with women who are much better than me. Women who excite him more, who kiss more passionately, who impress him with better orgasms, and who give better oral sex. And what if there's someone out there who can do something wonderful that I can't?
I'm afraid that he will enjoy others so much more than he ever will me again and I will feel small and inadequate. Is this 'demon' something I can conquer or should I give up any thought of being able to enjoy this lifestyle?

Thank you

[anandjeff2]

I can understand exactly where you are coming from. What you have to do is communicate these feelinga to your husband and talk them thru. Jeff and I were in the exact same spot about 11 months ago.I was very insecure due to the fact that our whole married life he was never very open about certain things. He comes from a sexually repressed background and caried those "guilt" feelings with him about sex.Until we started considering the lifestyle and really talked it thru I was wondering the exact same things you were.At some point you realize that it is a risk you take but also aat another point you realize how much you want to see him with another woman. The eroticy is amazing. But you have to be absolutely sure because if you aren't it can possibly destroy your marriage.You need to have absolute trust between you. Which means if anything bothers you you have to be able to talk it thru in a coherent manner without any self consciousness.

It has taken Jeff and I about 18 motnhs of talking and meeting people to feel we are at the right place that when the right couple comes along we will take the leap into swinging. We are totally secure in this and that is what it takes..knowing you both want it, know you willalways be together and have no doubts.Doubts will chew a hole in your relationship far more then anything else..

Continue talking about everything on your mind run scerios past each other and explore how they would make you feel. Go over situation s and what wuold make you feel uncomfortable..Role Play and see where that goes..Flirt with people..explore and enjoy. If it feels right you will continue if not you will realize just the thoughts of it really rev up the sex life

An

[JustAskJulie]

I think those feelings are pretty normal. I personally went the other end of the spectrum with my hubby... I was way more experienced and that was one of the reasons I enjoyed swinging. I felt bad that I had so much more experience and liked the idea of swinging as it gave him a chance to "catch up".

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Just keep in mind the biggest difference between sex and making love is the love part. As long as he loves you, the "sex" the two of you have together will always be the best in his mind. No "sex" can match what you get when you combine two people that are in love.

If this is something that you want to happen the best thing you can do is be open with him about your feelings. Let him know about your insecurities. And if you do take the step to start swinging and you start feeling jealous or insecure, talk to him about those feelings when they occur. Even if it means stopping in the middle of playtime to have a discussion. These aren't issues you want to let fester.. they are things you want to discuss right away.

Julie http://www.swingersboard.com

[Stratecpl]

tandcfromma,

Communication is the key. Be sure you and your husband talk everything over, and don't keep any "stones unturned" so to speak.

My wife and I have enjoyed a lot more MFM threesomes than we have 4-somes with another couple. She's had men that are a lot bigger and nicer-looking (and also YOUNGER) than I am. But I'm not in the least intimidated or feel inadequate. Sex between the two of us is the highlight of our lives.

If I met some woman that was really a knockout and wqe played, I would still prefer my wife. It's that LOVE bond that holds us together. The sex with others is really great but what we have together, no one can take. I'm sure that your husband feel this same way.

Good luck and may you both have some wonderful experiences!!

Ron, husband of Stratecpl

Originally posted by Stratecpl:
tandcfromma,

Communication is the key.....

....The sex with others is really great but what we have together, no one can take.....

I agree with Stratecpl, communication and sharing & showing your love for each other, which should be never ending. It strengthens your relationship! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/wink.gif

I had the same concerns too when we first decided to take this HUGE step in our relationship with the lifestyle! BUT, we also learn from experiences that our playmates have given us too, as far as pleasing each other in many different ways, adding to our sex life, and visa-versa. http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/wink.gif

Hubby enjoys the way I give him a blowjob, and while playing with another couple, he'll let me know how the other female is in giving him a blowjob as well. To make things more exciting, I would "share" hubby's cock with the other female while both of us are giving him a blowjob, and as she carefully observes how I do it for hubby, she'll pick up on it and continue the same, then I'll slowly leave her with hubby and return back to her hubby. I love it when both her & I share hubby's cock in giving him a blowjob, and visa-versa with other hubby! Talk about EROTIC HOTNESS! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/eek.gif *lol*

Anyway, it's kinda like "show & tell", ya know. http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif


Wife of CyberMWCouple

[tandcfromma]

Thank you so much for all of your wonderful responses.
An, I like your ideas about running scenarios past each other and going over certain situations. I agree that communication is very important and I'm sure if it feels right we will continue to explore and learn more about ourselves and others.
Julie, you hit the nail right on the head for me in your second paragraph. The most meaningful and helpful statement was, "As long as he loves you, the sex the two of you have together will always be the best in his mind." Thank you. I really like the way you phrased that. http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif
Ron, what you said about being with a woman who's a knockout is very interesting. I can't imagine not feeling inferior if my husband was with a gorgeous woman but maybe time will change my insecure feelings... I understand what you're saying about the "Love" bond though. No one can take away what he and I have together. I like the way you explain things and coming from a man, this really helps me see all of this in a different light. http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif
And Wife, the quote you posted by Stratecpl does say it all. The way you "share" sounds like fun, too - it's a wonderful idea actually! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/wink.gif You made me chuckle with your "Show and Tell" comment but you also helped me look at a few things differently...
Again, I thank all of you for taking the time to write and help me with my feelings. We'll see what the future brings but this lifestyle does sound like it can be fun and bring us even closer than we already are. http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

C

[Stratecpl]

tandcfromma,

My wife and I always have special time to discuss our feelings, our frustrations, our joy, and our passions. These are all a part of our relationship, and talking things over is reassuring to both of us. Our love and trust for each other has grown a hundred times greater since we began to swing! I know, many would want to know "how" or "why," but it's true! Those intense and sacred feelings that you two share together are sometimes even greater when there's another person or two involved!

Just try your best to swing with very carefully selected people, and get to know them as well as you can. The experiences will be so much better, especially for a first-time swing event. Many people base their opinions on that first-time, so make sure it's fabulous!

And good luck, hope you can come back sometime and tell us just how much fun you had!! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/smile.gif

Ron, husband of Stratecpl

You're welcome, tandcfromma! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/wink.gif

Good luck & Have FUN! http://www.swingersboard.com/ubb/biggrin.gif


Wife of CyberMWCouple

[BradAndJanet]

^bump^diddley^bump^bump! A good topic...

-B

[Michcouple]

Your totally normal to have the feeling that you have. You must always keep in mind that you can fuck anyone....but you can only make love to someone you truly love. Of course you can still fuck the one you love too.

The key point is to talk to your partner. For example....Let's say that you feel he really enjoyed how another women preformed oral sex on him. You can feel sorry for yourself or you can ask him why it was so good. That way you can turn the negative into a postive.

You need to also ask yourself this question. Would you want to swing with another couple where you didn't find your "swing partner" attractive, sexy, or good in the bed? I am sure the answer would be No.

Good luck and keep us posted

[Roxysbayou]

I would look at as sort of a lesson. If other women do something different, that doesn't mean that its better. As MichCouple said, take some of the techniques that someone else may use and incorporate them into your style of doing things. There is always room to try new things. That's what this is all about.

[bill&sabrina]

I understand how one can feel. My husband had been with alot of women before he met me. I have been with only him. It was hard for me to see him have sex with another woman. It is still kind of hard for me to think about that as well. It is not always easy to talk to someone about your feelings as well. I do know when we find the right couple, we won't have any problems or miscommunications. Keep a positive attitude and things will turn out for the best.

Sabrina

[Alura]

I've said this before in other threads, but one of the things that have helped out communication the most is an agreement we made soon after we met: That we would never get angry because a particular question was asked and that we'd do our best to answer. "What's on your mind?" can't be answered by saying, "Oh, nothing..."

Be sure you can separate "Making Love" and "Playing." They are totally different things even if your bodies are making the same movements. We find we laugh a lot when we play with others; our lovemaking is much deeper, more serious and meaningful.

Take your time; there is no hurry.

Mr. Alura