Does masterbation=loss of interest???? Feeling Insecure

[lyssa]

I have a super complicated situation and I desparately need some advice...but it is long...so thanks in advance to anyone who finishes it and writes back.

First I have to explain that my hubby and I have been together 8 years, married 6 and we are only 24. We have the most unbelieveably perfect relationship Ive ever even heard of! We are best friends and do everything together. Our sex life is great! 6 times a week if not more. Weve been swinging a little for the past three years and it has only ever made us closer. We've had threesomes with some of my friends a couple times, no jealousy there atall. I have no complaints about our sex life.

So youre wondering now, whats the problem? lol...well the main problem in our relationship is my insecurity...I feel horrible about the way I look and I know it rubs off on him constantly...but its been worse lately because every time I go on the computer I see 30 porn sites, this is every day or close. (to see what I look like, go to http://briefcase.yahoo.com/lyssab420 ) Our sex life hasnt suffered atall, but it makes me feel like shit. I tell myself every time I see it that these blond perfect girls are what turns him on. I've never had a problem with this, except that its so much so often! Hundreds of pictures! I consider myself a pretty open minded, expecially sexually! But his is really bothering me, I dont know how much is normal for a guy!

Also, a year and a half ago I found some personal ads on her from him looking for a girl. It was a huge issue and he swears it was when he was mad at me and he never met anyone or even meant to. He never really goes anywhere without me so I dont think he has had the time to cheat and he let me then go through all of his emails and there was nothing. He is a great guy and I dont really believe he could cheat on me, but in the ads he said he was bored. Even then we had sex practically every single night, really really great sex! He hasnt done anything else to make me suspicious...but this has made me believe that no matter how much sex we have, hes bored.

So, between the constant looking at of porn pictures and the ads Im seriously worried...but at the same time, I swear our relationship is so good he couldnt be faking being happy this good! We are all over eachother constantly...everyone comments on us being like newlyweds...everything seems 100% perfect until I turn on this damn computer.

I just need some advise from some guys in their twenties or some women who may know what Im going through...I need to know from guys whether what he does on the computer is a normal guy thing (hes always had a huge sex drive) and hes just playing around on the computer or if I have a serious problem and he is really sick of me and bored with me that he needs to look at women that much. Any serious, honest replys would really help me out!!! I have no one to ask!

And I appologize for the legnth...but I warned ya Thanks for your time

[BradAndJanet]

Lyssa, I take it that what you're saying here is that your husband is spending excessive (in your mind, at least) time masturbating to computer porn, correct? At the same time, you describe your sex life as good. I would be somewhat concerned if he'd lost his interest in you, but that does not seem to be the case. It's possible that he simply enjoys masturbating. With sex for one, you don't have the concern with pleasing your partner and can concentrate on yourself. That can be very fulfilling, and as long as it isn't a substitute for sex together, I don't see a problem with that aspect of it.

Looking at porn is enjoyable and usually harmless, but it is possible for people to be addicted to it. Generally though, from what I've read, true porn addicts withdraw from other forms of sexual activity and need porn for gratification. I'm not sure, in your case, if that's what's going on.

If your sex life is good, I think it’s highly likely he finds you attractive. I doubt that he’s trying to replace you with these pictures. Most guys, even this 44-year-old one, just like looking at naked women, whether it’s pictures or the real thing

But, if his looking at porn is bothering you, I think you should speak up about it. Have you ever talked to him about it and told him how you feel? It's also possible that you'd both benefit from some professional counseling. It can really open lines of communication. Good luck in finding resolution. Please know that you’re very welcome here and that we care about helping you out.

-B

[lyssa]

Thank you so much for writing me And you definitely told me what I wanted to hear in the whole situation. I actually did talk to him about it last night and he felt stupid, reasonably so, and he feels horrible for making me feel that he wasnt interested in me and he says he isnt going to look at porn atall anymore. This totally bothers me because thats not what I wanted! I don't want to be the type of wife who would take something like that away from my husband. Ive always been proud of how open-minded I am towards my husband. I just couldnt help how it made me feel. I feel so unattractive next to the girls he looks at and it just made me feel uglier than I already thought I was. He tells me Im beautiful 20 times a day. Im not exaggerating when I say our relationship is perfect and he shows no lack of interest in me sexually atall. I just felt like he had a separate life on the computer and I didnt know what was going on in his head. The girls he looked at were always the opposite of me and thats caused some worry in my head...he looks at blonde super skinny small boobs airbrushed perfect girls...and I have dark brown hair, a not exactly perfect body, 36D....complete opposite! So I wonder what he wants and what he finds attractive. Thats so selfish...but it hurts and I just couldnt ignore it. So now Ive made my wonderful husband feel guilty for my issues...thats why I wrote on here...to see someone outside the situations opinions. I didnt know if it would sound to someone else like he likes looking at these opposite girls because thats what he needs to be turned on or if it was a pretty innocent guy thing. Weve looked at pictures together and its funny, it could take him 5 minutes to get hard looking at porn or pictures, but he gives me an innocent hug and I can feel him getting instantly hard. Our sex life is awesome...even after 8 years. I just worried that every night when we have sex hes thinking about the beautiful girls he looked at that morning. So, he swears that in order to make me happy he will never look at porn again...I dont want him to quit, I dont want him to resent me for something I never wanted to happen. Masterbating is totally normal and looking is fine. Im not normally so jealous. His looking just made me feel sad about myself and made me think he was bored. So Im kinda stuck in another mess, I dont want him to quit looking...it just seemed like a lot. Thanks for your help! I really appreciate it!

[Roxysbayou]

Well first off let me just reassure you that you are an absolute doll! You are beautiful! And from what I can tell from your photos you look like you are a lot of fun too!

I can't tell from your post if its the masturbation that you are having a problem with or the porn, or both. So I'll try put my two cents in on both.

First of all, it must be a guy thing. My hubby and I can have sex three times a day and he will still have to go and masterbate before he goes to sleep. Sometimes he'll do it threee times a day. Maybe he's a nymphomaniac, I don't know but I think that it's pretty common. I am sure the guys on here can elaborate more.

As far as the porn, every woman is beautiful in her own way. Hubby likes to look at porn and so do I from time to time. I think it's just like roses. They are all beautiful, but even though they are not exactly the same, one rose is just as beautiful as the next. I can't help but feel that maybe you are feeling a little insecure about the way that you look. But from what I saw and by the way that you have described your relationship with him, he definately still finds you attractive and desirable.

I just asked hubby why he likes to look at it, and his explanation is basically a curiosity thing. One woman may have great breast, one may have a great butt, and another something else. As a man he is attracted to women period. It's not that he is looking to replace me or find something better. Because there is no better . It' s just something different.

I had a friend who used to call it eye candy. And that is basically what it is. Just because you buy fine ass red convertable sports car, you are not going to stop looking at other cars that drive past. It's human nature.

Don't worry about to much. Know that you are beautiful, because you are.

[Vjklander]

I'll second the motion to vote alyssa as 100% doll. I really don't think you have anything to worry about as far as the computer and porn goes. I masturbate on a regular basis, though I tend to prefer stories to pics. I'd have to say the more sexual I'm feeling the more I masturbate and the more sex I have with the wife and/or playmates. I do think alyssa has to work on her self image. We can reassure her all day long how beautiful she is, but until she accepts that she will feel insecure, and that reverberates through everything she does. Try this link
<http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap12>
The whole book is interesting to read, if you have a long time to read.
If alyssa really doesn't mind him looking at porn, she can ask him to bring it up on the computer, then stroke her husband or blow him as he browses. We do this for each other sometimes when looking at porn or even when cybering
Still not sure where swinging enters into all this, but good luck to y'all
J

[Roxysbayou]

Originally posted by Vjklander
If alyssa really doesn't mind him looking at porn, she can ask him to bring it up on the computer, then stroke her husband or blow him as he browses. We do this for each other sometimes when looking at porn or even when cybering
Still not sure where swinging enters into all this, but good luck to y'all
J

We do this from time to time as well. It adds a little spice to my web browsing every once and a while.

[lyssa]

You guys are so great! Thanks for everything, really!!! I feel 100 times better about the whole thing. Like Ive said, I consider myself to be open minded when it comes to porn, I look at it myself and I know how guys are...it really is just my insecurity causing me problems. I love my husband SOOOO much and just cant stand the thought that he could be bored with me. Anyways, the swingers enter into this because we are swingers. We talked about it for two years and have been into it for three. Not very often but every six months or so. I have no issues when it comes to that atall, only have had great experiences. I just thought the increase of porn meant boredom...Now my other problem...because I talked to him about this he swears that he is going to quit to save me from being hurt...but thats not atall what I wanted and Ive felt horribly guilty. Especially after hearing your responses and making me realize that my fears were probably completely wrong! I want my hubby to be happy and not ashamed around me because of this. I really wish it never wouldve been brought up. Ive caused him pain now that he doesnt deserve. But thanks for everything you three said, thanks for all of your help Thanks for making me understand a little more...

[Vjklander]

Don't feel guilty hon, sounds like a typical over-reaction. It too shall pass. (snicker) One thing we like to do id find a hot story on literotica.com and print it out. Then I make her read it while I do her doggie style, though I may use toys or maybe even give her a good spanking. It does give porn that personal touch whilst being more intimate for us both. Bottom line I guess is .... don't get too upset, THAT will cause more problems. Let it be.
Soapbox to follow:
You can't change the past, only learn from it.
Any day you both wake up is a good day, live it to the fullest.
If it doesn't invoke the 'death or dismemberment' clause of your insurance policy, don't sweat it.
J

[Brit_Pair]

Lyssa:

You’ve probably already had all the reassurance that you need, but here’s one more piece anyway.

I find my wife attractive and desirable; we have an active, fulfilling sex life; we meet up regularly with couples similar in outlook and desires to ourselves. And yet I still feel the urge to masturbate when alone. The frequency of those urges can look a little like a sine wave, but it’s an urge that’s fairly constant. Why? I think Brad’s point about it being ‘sex for one’ is pretty close to the money: it’s about being able to be selfish. And as you undoubtedly know yourself, masturbation produces orgasms that differ from those enjoyed during sex with a partner (or partners!)

Some people (particularly men, if you believe the behaviourists and scientists) happen to be visually orientated, and so it seems does your husband. Rest assured, the porn photos he looks at are just casual anchors for whatever fantasies he’s enjoying when he masturbates.

From what you’ve said, your husband’s solo activities haven’t detracted from the pleasures you share together, so I’ll end by reiterating what Brad, Roxy and Jamie have already said. Relax, have confidence in yourself and your relationship, and enjoy yourself. And if you still have niggling concerns, talk to your husband. He’ll undoubtedly put your mind at rest once and for all.

And if it helps, rest assured, you are a beautiful woman in your own right. Forget the comparisons with airbrushed images of supposed perfection. It's a waste of time and energy.

[mopek]

I saw your pics and think you are very desireable and have nothing to worry about.

I also agree with many of the above comments about us men in general and our sex drives. We could have just had fantastic sex with Pamela Anderson & Angelina Jolie at the same time and still look at porn later in the day LOL .... so don't worry about comparing yourself or competing with anyone. From what you have written it seems very probable that your BF finds you VERY attractive and seriously lusts after you.

Another point that I thought about that MAY or MAY NOT be true is the following : Is there something that he wants from sex that you are not giving him? Just a thought.

I am 31 and my fiancee is 30. When our relationship first started I was kind of bored with sex even though the frequency was right, I found her more than beautiful and we did have the odd 3some! What more could a guy ask for?? Well I found that certain elements were missing on her part ... spontenaity, getting out of the general sexual routine, doing daring things, her being the initiator, her not being there fully, mentally etc...

After a few years it became clear to her that she did have some sexual issues (like most people , especially girls who are brought up more strictly than men), and the issues were affecting her ability to flourish sexually even though she would go through the motions.

It takes time for people to go through emotional issues and change but slowly things are getting better and better and she is learning to enjoy herslef alot more. I can see her desire like an aura and it is much more satisfying to me.

At that time I used to look at porn more often too. Not because the girls were perfect looking but because I wanted something I wasn't getting. I still do look at porn ( as I said, I am a guy) but not as often.

Again, this MAY be relevant to your situation or it may not. One thing to do is to ask yourself if you are holding back in any way? Another is to talk openly and gently (not accusingly or with a " what's the problem!!! " attitude) with your BF and ask... is there something you'd like from me that I am not doing?

Just a thought.

mopek

[lyssa]

I talked to my hubby today and I have a totally different outlook on the whole situation, thanks to you guys!

Mopek--I cosidered that he may be lacking something...but I doubt it...its possible though. Im very very into sex with him and Im willing to try just about everything (and we have!) The only think I think he would change is me being afraid to get caught outside...lol...but I really dont think its anything like that...our sex is really really really really great. Thats what confused me...

[OhioCouple]

My husband is a very visual man. I did not find this out about him until we started looking into swinging. At first I was a tad offended and did much the same as you, felt like maybe I wasn't enough or didn't have the right stuff, in the right places....ya know the stuff us girls all do, even though our sex life was great. At first I tried to humor him (as he gets really turned on by viewing the photos on the pay sites we belong to) by viewing them with him. I got bored with that real quickly, then somewhat miffed to the point where he felt like he had to hide to do it. That isn't what I wanted at all. After all he is a grown man and I had no right to get miffed over something as innocent as viewing pictures.

The way I corrected this with him was by making a point to ask him "Hey, have you been to Who's on today?" Or "Are there any new pics on the card site?" After a while he became comfortable with going to the sites again and every once in a while if he sees something that he thinks I would like, he calls me in to view it. And he is usually right, I do like it.

In return, although this site is not a sexual turn on for me, he doesn't gripe anymore about the time I spend on it and will on occasion ask me..."Hey has so and so posted anything recently? What is going on with them?" So it was a give and take situation for us. We are just two people with different desires that bring us pleasure.

BTW, I looked at your pictures! You are a very attractive young woman and you have nothing to worry about!

Lori

[LarrySmith]

lyssa,
First, I'll add my gratuitous "You look tasty"
Second, I'll give you my 2¢ as a man who's been on the other side of this issue.
"If I were enough for you, you wouldn't need to look at that $#!%". Every man has heard that at least once.
If he's choosing to masturbate to porn INSTEAD of having sex, then there is a problem. Too much fighting gives a guy the impression that she doesn't want to be touched, and makes him gun-shy of approaching her, afraid that she will reject him.
If he's masturbating to porn, and having MORE sex with you, then he's just warming up his engine for you. Like having a glass of wine before dinner to stimulate the appetite for the main course. It's good without the wine, but a gourmet knows that building anticipation for the main course enhances the senses. After facing 90 minutes of traffic, trying to get dinner ready, getting the kids throught their homework, putting away the dishes, folding laundry, getting the kids off to bed, it can be a little hard to feel "in the mood" sometimes. Browsing a little 'eye candy' gets me anxious and eager to be in the mood later, and I definately give her signals all evening.

Third (gee three for the price of two) here's an easy way to assuage your guilt. Buy something from eroscomix.com (XXX Comic books) and when you are going to be gone for a while (visiting mom, late night at work, whatever) leave it for him with a note saying "Hope this keeps your fire burning till I get back". He'll get several messages, even if he is not consciously aware that he did. 1. That you understand that looking at porn gets him worked up and anxious about sex WITH you. 2. That you take a 'classy' approach. A well drawn XXX comic is a work of artistic talent. 3. That you are not threatened by the fantasy protrayed in the art form. Who could think that their man is going to step out on them and hook up with paper and ink lines for a relationship?

OK, time to get off my soapbox and quit rambling.

[sapphire68]

I'm female and I have experience being in a relationship with someone at your age for the same time frame. The guy I was with when I was 24 was the same guy I had been with for 9 years up until that time. We were eachothers "first" sex partners. Is that the case with you too? He was very curious of what else was out there. He too was always interested in other girls we would see while out and pictures of girls, all very thin and young, (no internet back then) and he wanted me very often as well. I always just figured it was his age. He was 25 at that time and very horny most of the time. I just thought all men were extremely sex crazed around that age so never thought much about it. Maybe you could contribute some or most of it to his age.

[Annaiis]

sapphire68, The last post before yours in this thread is over three years old!!

I suspect the issue has already been resolved.