Kind of hurt/mad, not sure what to do...

[jnbsmokin]

A lot of you know why I have major body issues. My problem comes from J....

All he ever wants to flirt/email/friend list, are these women who have obviously never had a child or look to be preteens!!!! I should mention that most people my age look like kids to me, and there is no way in hell I can be around the girls that act or look childish. I'm serious, you know what I mean, the ones that look like they played in mom's makeup trying to look grown. And then pose as if in a game of truth or dare with their girl scout troup... It is driving me crazy!!!!! I know it's not just pms, he did this the last time we joined aff. He keeps saying, "why should I fuck an ugly chick or somebody with a bad body?" And, "If I'm going to fuck someone else, they will be hot, and why not have the hottest chick I can?"
I have to explain, The 2 men we had join for the 3 3-somes, well, lets just say I took one for the team!!! I didn't want J to feel bad because he is a larger balding man.
But he doesn't seem to care about my comfort in this. He claims to love my body, the body type, shape, and size, but yet he turns down everyone similar to me???!!! There have been Mr Fitness contenders looking for 3-somes and he flips out if I act like I would do it, "Oh, I see, you lie when you say I'm sexy to you and that you love my body." Um well no, I prefer more of a teddy bear kind of guy. He ignores the fact that I say no. So I end up having to email people saying, "I'm sorry, the female half (me) said no, but if you are interested in a 3-some with him, I can voice-verify my permission." They never write back... But anyway, I just don't know quite what to do! I want us to stay in the lifestyle, but I just can't be comfortable with the women he wants. What would you do?
I want to thank everyone for reading, I'm sure I am driving a lot of you crazy.... lol Welcome to my world... lol
Brandy
I don't mean to be a whinny ass.... but how can I handle my first couple or bi or J with another woman, when he picks women that either look like a kid or make me feel like the "take one for the team"? There is no way I could do my bi thing with somebody that holds no attraction for me.

[jnbsmokin]

I just realised that it's a book-length post, I'm sorry! Once I started letting it all out, it wouldn't stop. I don't have any "real life" friends, so this is the only place I feel I can dump it all out, and just maybe, somebody here will have been through this and advise me on a path or solution.

[Bama0468]

Well it sounds like you have attempted to talk to him about how you feel, have you tried the "how would you feel if I went after these guys?" and showed him a few he already threw a fit about, Some of us guys are dense as hell and need the 'Logic' end of it shown to us as or ability to communicate emotion is some what lacking.
Maybe even trying putting things on pause while you communicate.

just my thoughts from the male side, I know I have had times of apprehension with the wife and a more physicaly appealing Male. and on a side note Yes everyone has the right to go after what they want (cause I know someone will mention it after I say this but almost sounds ( from what you said he said) that he is notching the bed post so to speak to boost his ego.

[sweet_tna]

I was gonna' say pretty much what Bama did. Sometimes our men are just plain clueless and don't see that they're setting a double standard. And in J's case, it could be completely unintentional. So pull up those muscle-man pics and pics of the hotties he wants. Show him that you BOTH need to feel comfortable with whom the other has chosen. Ya'll can work this out, but it's gonna' take a lot more talkin'.

=)

[TNT]

First...Don't ever worry about your post being too long...the more information the easier it is to give advice.

You've ran into one of the problems with swinging with couples...finding four people who are all attracted to each other.

I wouldn't worry about him e-mailing/chatting whatever with younger, hotter women...that may be the kind of woman he picks but, they also have to pick him.

He keeps saying, "why should I fuck an ugly chick or somebody with a bad body?" And, "If I'm going to fuck someone else, they will be hot, and why not have the hottest chick I can?"
I have to explain, The 2 men we had join for the 3 3-somes, well, lets just say I took one for the team!!! I didn't want J to feel bad because he is a larger balding man.
But he doesn't seem to care about my comfort in this. He claims to love my body, the body type, shape, and size, but yet he turns down everyone similar to me???!!! There have been Mr Fitness contenders looking for 3-somes and he flips out if I act like I would do it, "Oh, I see, you lie when you say I'm sexy to you and that you love my body."

It seems to me that you should give his words back to him...


As to what to do...you both have to be in agreement on the couple you play with...if you're not, resentment will eventually set in if one of you feels like you've taken one for the team.

Swinging is suppose to be fun...for both of you.



Teresa

[jnbsmokin]

Thanks Bama!
We had been on AFF about 1 1/2yr ago, and I deleted our profile because of the same stuff. He is definitly after an ego boost, what's better than being married to a 13yr younger woman? Swinging with younger, whole-bodied girls! And oh yeah, I have rubbed pics of the willing men in his face, and he doesn't like it, but it doesn't affect his opinion. I think what bothers me the most, is his continual flirting/hotlisting/emailing to couples when I say no, it's the rule, one says no, then it's a no, period. But I'm willing to let him just go without me if the other couples would like it. Then he pulls out the "we only swing together". It's like he feels only I should follow rules, because he keeps breaking the 2 yeses or it's a no rule, just as before.

[jnbsmokin]

Originally Posted by TNT

First...Don't ever worry about your post being too long...the more information the easier it is to give advice.

You've ran into one of the problems with swinging with couples...finding four people who are all attracted to each other.

I wouldn't worry about him e-mailing/chatting whatever with younger, hotter women...that may be the kind of woman he picks but, they also have to pick him.



It seems to me that you should give his words back to him...


As to what to do...you both have to be in agreement on the couple you play with...if you're not, resentment will eventually set in if one of you feels like you've taken one for the team.

Swinging is suppose to be fun...for both of you.



Teresa

It's funny you say that, they say yes because he doesn't mention that I had said no from the get-go, and that I just don't want them. It's like he strings them hoping I will change my mind or that because I am a sub, that I will go ahead and bend my will. I did that with the 3 mfm, never again. I did not enjoy the mfm at all and couldn't even look the guys in the face. It's like history is repeating itself. It's this kind of bs that made me delete our memberships (yeah, we were paid then too) and say frack it.

[Bama0468]

Well if the mutual consent isn't being followed then it is definitly time to Pause and regroup, I wish you well.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by jnbsmokin

It's funny you say that, they say yes because he doesn't mention that I had said no from the get-go, and that I just don't want them. It's like he strings them hoping I will change my mind or that because I am a sub, that I will go ahead and bend my will.

I'm curious...I didn't see a picture of him on your Swing Lifestyle profile so, has he shared pictures of himself? I only ask because you described him as a larger, balding man...In my experience with younger (early 20s) women is that most, not all, are rather shallow and tend to want the more hard bodied, younger man.

Also, this may seem mean but...if he strings them along after you've said no...why don't you just get on line and tell them, No Thank You, we're not interested.


Teresa

[Bama0468]

His pic is there I saw it...had to log in to see it but its there, By the way your a hottie!

[TNT]

Originally Posted by Bama0468

His pic is there I saw it...had to log in to see it but its there, By the way your a hottie!

Thanks...my bad.


Teresa

[jnbsmokin]

Thanks Bama... lol
There is a couples pic of us on here on my profile too, although it is from 06... the face shot on Swing Lifestyle is newer of him.

[jnbsmokin]

Originally Posted by TNT

I'm curious...I didn't see a picture of him on your Swing Lifestyle profile so, has he shared pictures of himself? I only ask because you described him as a larger, balding man...In my experience with younger (early 20s) women is that most, not all, are rather shallow and tend to want the more hard bodied, younger man.

Also, this may seem mean but...if he strings them along after you've said no...why don't you just get on line and tell them, No Thank You, we're not interested.


Teresa

I do email them, and I can understand him wanting the hottest he can find, but at the same time, I absolutely do not get along with people in my age group... at all! In fact, I have fixed our aff settings for 30-55. Sadly, that only checks the older half. And when I offer them a chance for a 3-some with J, they stop talking... Which is my little evil way of saying no.. and making a point to J, it makes him feel like the "take one". But he has to understand that I won't just give in to him, just because he wants it.

[LikeMinds321]

jnbsmokin~

I think you and your husband are playing a lot of games with each other and fooling yourselves about many things surrounding swinging. It's time to look beyond the one-ups you're throwing each other and get real.

From what you've written, here is what I understand:

1. You don't feel comfortable about your body and are intimidated by women who you feel look more attractive.
2. Your husband doesn't feel comfortable about his looks either, since he doesn't like you having interest in or playing with better looking men than himself.
3. You're only swinging experience has been with single males in threesums (and you said in another post that those weren't good experiences).
4. You've not yet met couples or played with them so I imagine that you've not met with any of the women (I presume they are of couples) that your husband continually emails and flirts with.
5. You want one thing, your husband wants another, and neither of you is willing to budge. What you both want is very restrictive and you aren't willing to expand on who you will consider swinging with. Example: you don't want to play with women your age and your husband only has interest in women your age.

You've taken one for the team and you don't want to do that again. That's good because doing so never works.

From what you've described of your husband's online activities, I don't think his primary interest (anymore) is swinging, rather, he is a cyber swinger - he probably realizes that's likely all he's ever going to get since you two can't come to terms on meeting people. His interest in swinging is no doubt still there, but he's realized he's got to get his fix/fun/sex through the keyboard. He's enjoying the ego-boost that you mention. There are plenty of women who have fun with that - no matter who the person is - and these women never have intentions of meeting. Sometimes knowing they are turning on a guy who they'd never let near them for sex is a game for them they enjoy.

You mention that you are in a sub relationship with your husband. This probably plays a role in how he sees things and why he may be expecting you to bend to what he wants. Maybe it's time to take a look at that relationship and how well it's working in your marriage overall, not just in regards to sex or swinging.

I'm sorry I can't be positive here, but I'm not getting an indication that there is anything positive in your stance at this point. Either you'll both have to make some big changes in your view of yourself and others, be more flexible, agree to some rules and stick to them, or swinging isn't going to ever turn out like you are hoping.

LM

[screaminggood]

You have so many things going on in your life right now...and they're all affecting each other. Tell him that y'all need to pause for a time so you can work out some stuff in your mind. Then put your ads on "taking a break" status, and just take time, major time, to breathe and think things through in your mind before trying to talk to him again. Ask yourself what YOU want from the lifestyle compared to what he wants. What's working for you and what's not. What are you willing to do because you love him and what are you not willing to do. Be completely firm in your mind before you talk to him....and then stick to your own decisions. It will feel scary but it's the only way you'll be satisfied with your lifestyle.

Email as long and as often as you like---we're here for you!