Do you ever feel like the chance for rejection isn't worth it?

[safireblues]

I've been struggling with some self esteem issues that have nothing to do with swinging, but because of feeling that way, I have pulled back on talking to/meeting people. I feel somewhat vulnerable, like I cannot shake off rejection.

My husband didn't know I was feeling as low as I have been, and he was putting up ads and stuff, looking for a woman for me. It was mostly just goofing around, but he wound up chatting with an attractive female...

she and I emailed back and forth, talked a few times on the phone, and I was feeling better about things, at least enough to meet her for drinks. She came with her guy, I was with mine, we had decided on just drinks as we all had to get up early. I thought things went well...I sent an email and a text to say "thanks for a nice night, maybe we can do it again..." and then...nothing...no word, no return email, nada.

It's only been 3 days or so, but it has me feeling that rejection feeling I didn't feel prepared for....

I wonder if putting myself out there is even worth it.

Ever feel that way?

[LFM2]

I think there are times that we all seem to fall into a funk that we have a hard time getting out of. I know I've been known to do that. I'm sorry that you're having self-esteem issues now. Is this something that you can talk to your husband about? Do you have a friend that you vent some feelings with?

I know, especially with me and my hectic life, it would probably take me more than three days to answer an email. I don't mean for it to be such a wait, but sometimes my busy schedule takes over and I don't have time even for my family. Doesn't that just sound sad?

Give her some time to answer. She may just be busy and can't quite get away yet. I know it's hard to wait, and I don't like waiting, either. I've never been a very patient person. I guess what I would do is call her and talk to her.

One important thing to remember is to keep this all in perspective. Maybe it would even be best to talk things out before wanting to encounter any more singles for the time being. Best of luck to you.

[safireblues]

Yeah, normally I wouldn't think 3 days was that long with an email...it really isn't the wait so much as that I don't feel able to handle the possibility that someone could do the big scary blow off. Like I'm not in a place to handle it, I guess...

[BiloxiCouple]

E-mail doesn't mean instant reply or remembering to reply if busy. It's not the phone. And I even screen that now.

Give them a week or so. Send the same basic e-mail just in case they forgot or lost the original one and let it go at that. No sense getting worked up about a "first date" for just drinks. Plenty of other fish.

[sweet_tna]

Sorry to hear you're not feeling so confident right now. We all go through those phases(at least, I do) and it makes it tougher than usual to deal with rejection. I don't think that three days is necessarily a blowoff/rejection, though. People get busy and/or forget.

That said, even if it does turn out to be a, "no thanks", there ARE others out there that are way more deserving of your time and attention.

=)

[Spoomonkey]

I am going to go against the flow here and say that after a meeting of dinner and drinks you should probably expect something within three days time. I am usually in the crowd who says that people get busy - but a meet is a whole other animal. I think we all expect for them to go thusly:

1. Meet
2. Leave as a couple and discuss your impressions
3. Email rather quickly, either excitedly or with a "sorry, but we aren't right" message

I know for us, as soon as we leave a restaurant, we are discussing the "next step" - and as a courtesy we write a quick email the minute we get home. Maybe we are weird, but we think a couple needs to know that we either are or are not into them.

Granted - if you write us typically we can take forever to get back to you. But a meet for drinks and/or dinner isn't "typical". In "swing-dom" that is basically a gauge of sexual chemistry. Of course you are going to expect (and rightly so) some sort of feed back.

Three days is a little on the long side...

But - as the others have said - there are other fish in the sea. And, who knows, this could just be a socially backwards couple who just don't realize that maybe they have some responsibility to respond. You could hear from them in a week - or a month... I'd just move on and let things either happen with them - or not.

But - seriously - don't let this experience ruin your future experiences! There are good ones out there!

We all get rejected - and no one is everyone's cup of tea.

I am very sorry this has you down. One of the great things about swinging (that I've observed) is actually how good about themselves it makes most women feel. You deserve to feel that way! So hang in there until you do!

Spoomonkey

[iapr]

Not hearing from someone in three days is not rejection. Depending on the situation it may be laziness, rudeness or just a different idea of how timelines should go but it is not rejection.

We have had full-bore sex with people who were jumping up and down saying lets get together again soon and then we never hear from them again and we have done the same with them. It's not that we were rejecting them and the "lets get together soon" was sincere at the time but then once the glow of excitement and hormones died down then real life set back in and we were back to paying bills and shuttling kids off to school and getting the car into the shop to get the funny noise checked out.

You are in a slump we all get into periodically and if you are having some self esteem issues then you are seeing rejection around every corner. If you are feeling down about yourself that is the issue that needs the attention not the perceived rejections. When you have self-esteem issues then every time you encounter another person you think rejection even if it has nothing to do with the situation taking place.

[safireblues]

Well, it's now been...well, since Friday. I left one more message (it was an accident, actually, my phone got tossed around in my bag and dialed the last "missed call" which was her on friday)...as soon as I realized it I was like "oh good, now I'm a stalker." I called and left a message saying "sorry for the weird call from inside my bag."

Nothing back.

I guess I just didn't expect a female to do a blow off. She seemed kind, pulled together, well-educated, but I absolutely think she has blown me off. I keep replaying the whole date in my mind, trying to figure out if I said something offensive, or maybe she just wasn't into us. Even still, I would never do a full fledged blow off of someone. I might write them and say we weren't in a great place, yadda yadda, let them down easy, but I would NEVER not return a call.

It feels like a bummer because I really thought she was very cool beyond anything physical, and I did not expect this at all...

Either way, I've decided to step back from all extra-curriculars for a good while until I'm feeling more confident. This situation has really shaken me, it's sad.

[varangian]

Originally Posted by safireblues

It feels like a bummer because I really thought she was very cool beyond anything physical, and I did not expect this at all...

Either way, I've decided to step back from all extra-curriculars for a good while until I'm feeling more confident. This situation has really shaken me, it's sad.

How strange that you should want to swing if you can´t take rejection. Of course, rejection always hurts a little, but nobody can appeal to everybody so these things happen. But as we all know: one negative usually weighs more that nine positives. For every one woman rejecting you probably nine will be eager to be with you - but that doesn´t count, does it? V

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by safireblues

I've been struggling with some self esteem issues that have nothing to do with swinging, but because of feeling that way, I have pulled back on talking to/meeting people. I feel somewhat vulnerable....
...I wonder if putting myself out there is even worth it.

...Ever feel that way?

Hi safireblues,

I know what you mean. None of us is at the top of our game at all times. Sometimes we aren't feeling so great about ourselves, for whatever reason.

If I'm going through something or feeling vulnerable and not up for even the potential for rejection or drama, or expending the time/energy it takes to chat, meet people and make swinging decisions, I feel like stepping back, too. I'm all for taking breaks if you're just not into it, or only semi into it, for any reason, including your reason.

Some pointed out that swinging is a boon for a woman's self-esteem. I agree and I get what they're saying, but at the same time, swinging can also feel like pressure and can actually wear on our self-esteem. We know we need to "measure up" and that every time we meet with people, we're being sized up. Decisions are going to be made as to whether we're worthy or unworthy; interesting or not; sexy or not. I think there's more of a burden on the woman in swinging to be the "bait" for the couple. This is why men often wear nondescript "casual Friday" work clothes to clubs and dates, and women feel they need to really stand out and go the extra mile (slut wear, etc). Bottom line, we are being judged. If our self-esteem is even a little off, that can wear on us.

Is that how you're feeling about it?

Did you talk to your hubby yet? Is the reason for your self-esteem issue something that can be changed, like something temporary? I hope it changes for you soon.

About that woman not returning your call: I believe that often, the reason couples don't get back to people is because one or both of them have their own personal fears/issues that keep them from going through with it. Common reasons are that at least one just isn't quite ready and is possibly scared. Maybe somebody felt intimidated if you (or your hubby) seemed smarter, sexier, more virile, or any number of other things that they feel they're not. In other words, a lot of people don't follow through because of their issues about themselves, or fears/insecurities they have, and it's got nothing to do with you. They will never tell you this, either. They'd rather just disappear than to have to explain that.

Hugs!

[fun4Ds]

Wow safireblues, I wouldn't have thought this post from you. You seem so confident, but we all have our insecurities sometimes.

We hope this is just a snag or a small setback.

Honestly if all was well, and I would think a date would be cool with you guys. We would just hope (they) were O.k..... We are just like that.

I think EvilMJ put it once while we were down, that sometimes in the swinging world it makes us a little more thick skinned.

Hang in there and make another date.

[safireblues]

Tybee described the feeling perfectly, better than I could. Yes, I'm confident in myself, my mind, my abilities, my relationship. I'm not always 100% on ME (in terms of the physical), and it seems that during those times, that the rejections that are a natural part of this "lifestyle", and the need to feel like pretty bait...it's just not the healthiest thing.

I also feel this pervasive emptiness in it all, sometimes. Like people are looking for the attention boost or to play some sort of attraction game, and I'm on the wrong end of it.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

I am going to go against the flow here and say that after a meeting of dinner and drinks you should probably expect something within three days time. I am usually in the crowd who says that people get busy - but a meet is a whole other animal. I think we all expect for them to go thusly:

1. Meet
2. Leave as a couple and discuss your impressions
3. Email rather quickly, either excitedly or with a "sorry, but we aren't right" message

I have to agree with Spoo for the most part. I will say I'm not quite as polite as he is and it's usually late the next day when I'm reminding myself that I need to email someone (assuming they haven't already emailed me first by that time). However, if I'm not remotely interested in seeing them again, I can't guarantee that I'm going to send out a "not interested" message...unless they contact me in which case I would at least be polite enough to reply.

[twoingeorgia]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way but I think as everyone has mentioned, we all go through this, not just in swinging, but in general, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing you're not the only one. I hope you start to feel better soon! (((hugs)))

I have a question, what has there level of experience been in swinging? Are they first timers or have they been involved in the lifestyle?


Dory

[socolais]

Every cloud has a silver lining - the rejection (or its appearance) is the big old cumulus monster that gets all the attention. The good news is finding out that it's not such a good match BEFORE there's a bigger investment in time and effort. I really don't want to play with anyone that doesn't want to play with me.

The fact that they haven't contacted you means that the "want to" is not there at this time and for whatever reason. If their "want to" changes and they contact you sometime in the future, the option to go further becomes yours. Otherwise, keep on being sexy and watch for fresh opportunities.