Body Image...An Age-Old Quandary

[confunktion]

I could use comments from any and all, especially the ladies, because who knows a lady better than another one?

The Mrs. has been going through a rough time for the last 6 months or so. A combination of issues, both physical/health-related and emotional, have led to her feeling very dissatisfied with the way that she looks. She used to be a pro ballet dancer, so there is a lot of pining for the good old days when she was around 100 pounds, even though she knows it's 10 years later and bodies change naturally over time. She has gained some weight, but not nearly as much as she thinks - she's extremely hard on herself. Her self-confidence level is low more days than it is high, but when it is high, she gets all dolled up and looks amazing...and I'm being objective here.

Anyway, cutting the novel short, as her husband, what are some suggestions for my approach whenever she brings up this topic? My goal is to be supportive and attentive to her feelings, yet not make her feel like I think she is overweight (which I don't). She expresses a need to try and lose weight the right way (diet and exercise), so I want to help her without making it look like I'm too eager, which leads to her thinking that I think that she's overweight.

Did you follow that? I barely hung on, and I wrote it.

Anyway, all viewpoints are appreciated, and all unanswered questions will be answered. It's a very delicate balancing act here, and I need you guys to be my "pole" for the high wire. Thanks in advance!

Mr. Funk
Looking down, but there's no safety net...Yikes!

[warkman]

I imagine the George Balanchine body ideal is probably what she has in mind, which in many people's opinion is pretty thin. She probably has it in her head that anything more than that is morbidly obese. Having worked in pit orchestras for many years with ballet groups, I was always amazed to see the dancers on break chowing down Hershey Bars, Coca Colas and whatnot for quick energy while simultaneously chain smoking to keep their appetites down so they wouldn't gain weight. Seemed like a very tough short lived profession to me. My guess would be that she doesn't look overweight to a large majority of people. Just be as supportive as you can and enjoy that flexability.

[DBL D]

I think it was in "Pulp Fiction" that Bruce Willis' wife (or GF) asked him if he liked her "little pot belly"?

She said something like "it's not so good to look at, but it's nice to feel."

He was in favor!

Your sexual ferver makes a big impression, as much as a great body. facelick

Male D

[Vespertine]

Well my Funky one, you mention that she hasn't gained that much weight. In fact, I think you said that you don't think she's overweight at all. If this is this case, and she does have the ballerina complex as warkman surmised, If I were you I'd be inclined to tell her she doesn't need to lose weight. Then I'd fine ways to work on her self image and esteem.

If she has gained a few pounds she could stand to lose, suggest that she just eat more healthy when she mentions her need to lose some weight. You could say something like: "I think you look beautiful the way you are, but if you're that concerned- why don't we try eating more healthy choices. It will makes us both feel better".

[two4youinswva]

I agree with Ves, it takes the right balance of support.

What I did when she wanted to lose weight was this. I said, "Honey, I think you look great the way you are, but if you feel like you need to lose weight for yourself, I will support you 100% and help you do it until you get to where you want to be."

Now, obviously I wouldn't support her losing weight down to the "heroin chic" look, but as long as she is striving for healthy weight loss, and wants my support, she will have it. She has been very appreciative of my support and encouragement, and has done a great job dropping the weight.

[northindycpl]

This is my favorite topic to dicuss with husbands! Mr. Indy is a PRO when it comes to this!

As I have matured, my weight has fluctuated continuously. I have times where I feel incredibly hot and times when I feel incredbly blimb like- At all times, Mr. Indy raves to me, and others about how beautifu, sexy and perfect I am. It never fails for him to just 'know' when I need that compliment, and he dishes them out in droves!

here are some other great tips that I think are always perfect:

-Start cooking her meals that are healthy. There are tons and tons of websites that offer easy, healthy menus with stuff you probably have in your pantry. Check foodtv.com. Weightwatchers.com also has a great website that you can join for about $1 a week, that is filled with calculators and menus- it's awesome too. Finally- the Aphrodite cookbook is an absolute must! It is filled with Sensual food and menus designed especially for lovers. the 2 of you could have great fun in the kitchenas you prepared healthy food that turns her on!
- Start making suggestions after dinner- instead of watching TV, tell her you want to go for a walk. You want to talk to her under the stars, without the nuisances of home.
-Go sledding in the moonlight, or skinny dipping (whatever the weather)
-Go to the mall with her- and walk, window shopping. Just be sure you end up at her favorite store. (that is my favorite)
-Take her dancing, or sign up for ball-room dance lessons, something she has never done before.
-Finally, have sex with her, often. Everyday if she wants. It may sound funny, but sex, especially in the morning or mid-day, increases your metabolism, and the endorphins released at orgasm, block your hunger. And if you must snack between marathon sessions, prepare grapes, cheese, apples slices, whatever is healthy and sensuous around the house.

The point is to be active without pushing her to exercise. If you are active with her, doing things that she likes and that are romantic she will do better. If you are doing it, because you want to be with her... you will always be her hero! And the best part of all of these tricks? Never mention why you are doing these things...just do them.

[beaverz]

Tell your wife that she looks absolutely beautiful, but you are having a problem with how she has been down on herself. Tell her that you both need to change your lifestyle and start living a healthier life. Emphasizing not to change how she looks, but to feel healthier and to feel better. Try to find activities that she enjoys doing going for walks, going hiking or joining a gym. The more activities you both do together the more support you both can give each other.

My wife did have a weight issue over ten years ago, I never said anything how she looked (she has always been beautiful in my eyes), but I did talk to her about health issues and how I didn’t like how she was down on herself. She has since made a complete change and now works at gym as a personnel trainer. She looks great and is very physically fit, but she still has issues with how she thinks here body looks (I think that is a female thing), I don’t think she will ever be happy with the way she looks (I just don’t understand).

Good luck!!!

[confunktion]

You guys are the best - you just reinforced how wonderful this board and its members are, and I am so glad that I joined. Warkman, Male D, Ves, two4you, northindy, and beaverz - thank you all! Keep it comin', keep it comin'...

Mr. Funk
Feeling better on this tightrope of mine...

[LikeMinds321]

Since your wife was a pro ballet dancer at one time, I would venture that she is ultra hard on herself when it comes to her weight; five or ten pounds would seem like what 30-50 pounds is to other woman.

You said you don't feel she is overweight. Let's presume you are correct.

In this case, it is her self-image she needs to work on, not losing weight.

Originally Posted by confuntion

The Mrs. has been going through a rough time for the last 6 months or so. A combination of issues, both physical/health-related and emotional, have led to her feeling very dissatisfied with the way that she looks.

If she can keep active, doing things that keep her physically moving in enjoyable ways and taking time to go out for fun with you, I think this could help.

Doing something physical always improves my outlook. Even though it hasn't done anything to make me look different, I feel better!

When I am down on myself, Mr LM lets me know he loves me and is here to help her through my low period. He encourages me to talk about what's troubling me. This always helps get me out of my funk. Sometimes I need a pep talk, sometimes a "tough love" talk reminding me that my life is what I choose to make it. He knows how to touch the right buttons to motivate me to get back on track.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I doubt the weight is the real problem here.

LM

[looking2swing]

I agree with everyone else. Just make sure that her weight loss doesn't get out of control. and keep telling her that she is beautiful.

[confunktion]

LM, and L2S, thanks so much. LM is right on it - she does tend to exaggerate in her mind, as she is very hard on herself.

I'm encorporating all suggestions into my approach. Thanks again all!

Mr. Funk
Steady as she goes...

[NotsoNew]

As someone who often looks at myself as "fat" I understand her concerns completely.

I am always watching my weight and I don't think I will ever consider myself thin. Don't get me wrong, I don't lack self confidence, but when I look in the mirror, I see things that bug me, but no one except me would see.

My husband most of the time thinks I am too thin. I recently gained about 10 pounds (on purpose because I really did need to). He tells me that this is the perfect weight and that I look great, but I stil do have that nagging feeling when I look in the mirror...
Society does have a lot to do with women's self image - I am convinced of that.

That being said, I really like the suggestion of walks after dinner under the stars. We also eat pretty healthy.

Keep telling her she is beautiful, compliment her on how she looks when going out and show her that you love her and are attracted to her. That should help - it helps me when my husband does this for me.

[Ms.Trackerjane]

Originally Posted by two4youinswva

I agree with Ves, it takes the right balance of support.

What I did when she wanted to lose weight was this. I said, "Honey, I think you look great the way you are, but if you feel like you need to lose weight for yourself, I will support you 100% and help you do it until you get to where you want to be."

Now, obviously I wouldn't support her losing weight down to the "heroin chic" look, but as long as she is striving for healthy weight loss, and wants my support, she will have it. She has been very appreciative of my support and encouragement, and has done a great job dropping the weight.

Being the "new kid on the block" I'd have to say that I agree with your approach. When Mr.Tracker & I met, I weighed xx amount. After having 2 more kids and being on the depressed side, I had gained in excess of 30 pounds. Part of it was due to drinking every nite. (not a good thing) Well, thankfully because of my job, I was able to go on a weight loss program that's really a life-change and have lost 20 pounds. ( I had already lost about 10 pounds before beginning this program). I feel much better about myself, and Mr. Tracker keeps complementing me. Long story longer, before I lost the weight, he kept telling me I was "hot" and looked really good, but I didn't feel that I did. Now that I've lost the weigh, he still complements me, and I now feel more like I look good. I guess what I'm trying to say, is be supportive, but also know that she needs to do for herself what she needs to do, and until she makes that decision, she'll be unhappy with her body image.