winemedinemewha

Back to jealousy.. the b/f is back in town and told me that for him it's that I am 'giving something away' to someone else. So we worked on a way to "take it back" hehehehehe... That was rather satisfying, all in all. You guys are so right, I have to really communicate with him and operate at HIS comfort level. I feel so stupid for getting carried away.

Well, I think whoo-hoo for him, but then again, I am evidently weird. We've got our own jealousy issues.

I guess I was getting someone to love out of the relationship. I am going to ask Julie to delete this thread. I don't want to add fuel to the fire with him, I mentioned this site as a great resource and I am sure if he sees all this he will get angrier than I really want to deal with at this point. I am running out of glasses to throw -- just KIDDING.

Just married twice... ex-wife, one deceased.. No, no vacation. I do not know how we did this, it's weird. I think he's afraid not embarrassed but I do not know... It's bizarre. I guess it was just easier for me to try and be flexible than just move on. Not convenient, no, but I really believe in giving someone all the time they need. I am just thinking I am too tired to do it anymore. Plus, we want different things now.

I think he does. I understand, I am a jealous person too because I am insecure about my looks or whatever, but I deal with it on my own. He had no idea for a long time that I had any jealousy because I simply didn't let it interfere. I feel it, identify it, and put it where it belongs -- in the 'gotta work on that' folder. His jealousy is very possessive. I think you are right, his "I don't want to lose you, I love you" is more possessiveness than anything else because he perceives me being with other people as taking something from him. He has said this. I have tried to communicate that it takes NOTHING from him, emotionally, and physically if he's not sleeping with me most of the time who cares if I am sleeping with someone else? We haven't even spent more than two entire nights together because of his hangups with intimacy, I think. How can he suddenly want to possess someone he can't even sleep overnight with???? I am trying not to just look at my emotional reactions but at behavior. I am trying not to be too harsh on him, but I think I've reached the end of my rope. It's been a long rope. I am perfectly comfortable with swinging alone, I only want a few couples and singles to mix it up with on a regular basis when my ex-husband has the children, and to live my life (work, take care of my two elementary age children, etc) without DRAMA. Incidentally, my divorce was mainly because I was unfaithful. I learned my lesson from that, I need to be open about relationships and not get into a situation where my emotional and physical needs are not being met. My ex and I have worked out what happened and are close friends. My b/f knows all about this, knows everything about me that I can possibly think of, yet is secretive and doesn't even want me talking to his family. Anyway, thanks for all your input, folks, I think I have a handle on this now. I have to be open, communicative, but not compromise MY feelings on this to try and make him feel better or whatever. I have to take responsibility for how I have mishandled things, but be honest about why and what I truly need from our relationship. I have to think about him as an entire person, not just someone who is 'holding me back', which is truly the frame of mind I was in when I made the original post.

You are right, I was, and am being somewhat self-centered and immature. I want to have my cake and to eat it too, I admit. He's been involved in the lifestyle for YEARS. I have not, I am just discovering how it fits my personality like a glove. I am not ready to give it up. He wants to feel free to have women come on to him but not the opposite for me. I don't really care what he does with other women, but if he wants an exclusive relationship, why does he not introduce me as his girlfriend to them, at the very least??? When I brought this us, since it does get tiring making small talk with women who want to sleep with him regardless of whether I am sitting there or not, he said it didn't matter as *I* was the one he was with. Well, it's just plain impolite not to introduce your girlfriend as your girlfriend. Unless, of course, you don't want people to know... He's 57 and should know his own mind, he's been married twice. I am 37, been married once, and KNOW THAT I DO NOT WANT A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP, and have been totally consistent and honest about that from the start.

To me, yes. There is a level of economic stability involved. He doesn't support me financially or anything else, so to be blunt, I don't 'owe' him like I would someone who did. It may be messed up, but that is the way our society is. I 'owe' him what I would any human being I cared about -- consideration, tact, try to 'do no harm' but I am not dependent on him and therefore am more free to make my own decisions.

You are so right... When we first started it was supposed to be a casual, 'open', no strings relationship. He would go months without calling, etc. But on the other hand, he became more involved in my life, even meeting my kids before I was ready (showed up where we were eating dinner). He unconsciously NEEDS a serious relationship, but consciously DENIES this. I have loved him for a long time, but anyone I am involved with over a period of time is my friend and I care about them. Love is just another step along that axis. I can love more than one person at a time. We have been swinging (when he's been into our relationship) for a couple years now. Last spring he told me he didn't want to be anything but "friends" and not have sex, so I decided to seek out my own relationships and swing on my own. He couldn't handle that and required 'exclusivity' by September. From Sept to this last March it's been nothing but ups and downs. I am tired, bone tired, of the inconsistency. So I told him I was going to have to start swinging again. Basically he had control of the relationship til last Spring and I think all this other emotional crap is his unconscious desire to retain control of the relationship. It's too late, there's only so much I am willing to put up with. I appreciate everyone's thoughtful feedback, it has really helped, along with some input from local swingers I am involved with. Ultimately, I know I am not built for monogamy and MY issues are that when someone puts pressure on me like that, I get very squirrely. I just can't even get close to it without twitching, lol. I may not DO anything with anyone, but I have to feel like I have the choice. As someone else posted, I believe I may have mishandled this particular episode, but his insecurities belong to himself and there's nothing I can do about that but provide insight and communication. I am no longer afraid he will 'leave' me or I will 'lose' him. I have to participate in swinging and have friends with benefits outside of my relationship with him or I will go nuts because he's not truly committed. He can talk the talk, but not walk it.

Boyfriend of 4 years.. HE introduced ME to swinging and it felt like --- ahhhh, THIS is what I've been looking for... Now he doesn't want to "share me" because he has realized he "loves" me. Lessee, how the heck did he feel for the FIRST three and a half years when we had an open relationship (at his insistence)?? I love him but I don't want to give up swinging. It feels like something I've been looking for all my life and I want to explore it more, even on my own. I feel like he's just trying to control me (first he wants it, then he doesn't, blah blah) but perhaps he's right and I am just being selfish...