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shadowpuppet

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About shadowpuppet

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    Just Getting Started
  • Birthday 08/21/1975

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    Quebec City
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  1. Wow! I'm actually shocked by all your responses. I am simply asking for some insight or guidance and I'm receiving psychological profiling without any of you knowing me. THIS is exactly what I don't need and why it's taken me at least a year to post on this site due to the fact that it's what I was getting the last time I asked for help. Let me clarify on some points because first you have me all pinned very wrongly and if I am going to get any positive feedback and help on here you need to see me in a different light cause you've all quickly judged me. Very little of you ASKED me questions to probe in order to be understand me or understand my motivations. I've answered on why I dislike men. It's obvious THAT is the core of my problem. I own up to that. Why do we continue to talk about it and that some of you take the defensive? The moment you take the defensive we're off topic and not heading in any direction that is productive to where I'd like to find myself. Why not suggestions like: 'Make a male friend, spend some time with him, tell him of your past issues with men and build some kind of friendship - even if it's only with one man' or 'try meeting a man and learning to be intimate with him, no need to fuck him but spend some time experimenting, masturbating each other or something in order for you to enjoy first giving him pleasure so that when you can lead up to giving him pleasure with your partner'. THAT would be productive. Telling me I'm selfish is NOT productive. Those who called me that please tell me what I'm supposed to do with that. Seriously, I've just read 'you are selfish' and my problem is 'I'm wanting to get pass an issue and asking for help'. Honestly to me THAT does not seem selfish. If I was selfish I wouldn't be here trying to get passed all of this, I would just tell my partner 'keep fantasizing cause we're only going to do things my way'. I've received so many messages I'm going to comment on all of them in this message: It's quite possible that because of your intense dislike/distrust of other men, they pick up on that vibe and act aggressively. I disagree. When I meet anyone (man or woman) I always treat them with decency, respect, I laugh at their jokes, I am affectionate (shake hands, kissing on the cheek). I put all my effort in bonding. Being a Buddhist for nearly 20 years I understand that the person who is in front of me is not one of the people who hurt me in the past and I ALWAYS give people the benefit of the doubt. BUT in my experience in life the more you give to someone the more they are ready to take. I have paid for trips for male friends, I have bought them expensive gifts, I have surprised them with tickets to music concerts or sports events. Yes MEN, I've brought them to fancy restaurants and classy jazz clubs. I've even introduced them to other available women. If you wish to believe that I 'give off negative vibes therefore I'm the reason for what happens to me' go ahead but I genuinely acknowledge that I treat men very well. In fact the man that slept with my wife of 7 years was one of those 'friends' that I paid for trips and treated like a prince. I considered him even a best friend and had a very high regard and respect for him. He would often dine with my wife and I and I think one day in his head he decided he wanted her. When I was at work one night he called her and told her he was going to pick me up after my work and asked her if she would like to join him. She agreed. They met for a drink beforehand, he seduced her (she had always found him attractive, even sexy), and she let herself be. Not because she was lacking at home but because he was charming (I'm sure it helped that he was a millionaire). They kept it from me for over 3 months. You can't say I treated him like shit or disrespected him. Why would someone I treated so well first seduce my wife behind my back, and as a best-friend keep it from me for 3 months! Or it could be the group/company of people you surround yourself in and breaking out of that community is what is needed for you to be able to see that not all men are what you have experienced from the past. I've found 'bad' men in ALL communities, from church-going people to business professionals. From kind quiet people to extroverted people. To say that I hang around a specific kind of people of group couldn't be any more false. I have friends that are rich, some that are not so well off financially. The one thing I did notice is that of the men who have let me down they were either american or canadian (north americans). None of my european male friends ever let me down. PLEASE note that is an observance not a statement. It is neither a generalization that all americans or Canadians are like that. I'm simply stating that what I've experienced is that. I do in fact have 2 or 3 very good male friendships. Men that respect me and who I respect in return. But I could never imagine sharing my partner with them. It would break that strong bond and trust we have in each other. One of the reasons that I have a strong friendship with them is due to the fact that they have never hit on my partner and I'm 100% sure they would never. I know it, I feel it and we've discussed it. Knowing they would never, I would be stupid to offer my partner to them. It just wouldn't be done. It could even be the women that you are attracted to. First, it takes two to cheat. Again same answer as before. I've dated ALL kinds of women. Different ages, different social status, different education and so forth. I can honestly say that when I was living in vanilla (and I mean vanilla from a BDSM point of view) I was always a good partner but I restrained my dominant side cause in the vanilla world Dominance = asshole, control creak, etc. I wanted to offer equality in our relationship not control them. So I can honestly say that 90% of women who cheated on me gave me all the same response to my question of 'why?'. Their answer: 'I didn't really want to, but he was pushy, and he kept trying to get with me and I thought if I'd give it to him he'd leave me alone.' I'm not stupid, I know women. This is part truth. Yes there's the side where a man came into her life and 'dominated her' into a sexual position, but I also know that they wouldn't have gone through with it if they didn't want to (they would have said 'he raped me', rather than 'I didn't want to'. That was their way of trying to cover up the shame, or guilt and responsability of having broken the sanctity of our relationship. Second, the women you are with might always be extremely flirty or sexual toward other men and they pick up on that and play into it. I've only had ONE female partner to date who was extremely flirty and sexually forward towards men. I believe she had a cuckold fantasy and didn't realize it. The others were very reserved, shy, even some who extroverted but never flirted (at least not when I was around). it sadden me that from the limited pool of men that you are in contact with (and it is limited, even though it doesn't seem like it--there are billions of people on the earth) you cast the rest of the male population out because of the group of bad apples that surround you. I'm not sure where you got the idea that I cast all male population out because of a few bad apples. I simply said I dislike men. It's a personal emotional response. And I'm allowed to my sentiments. I always give men the benefit of the doubt, and without my contribution they find a way to let me down. It's not a self-fulfilled prophecy. I add nothing to the equation. I live my life and they make decisions in their lives. If I bring a friend to the Bahamas for a week all expenses paid, I bond with him, I share stories of my childhood, I truly make the effort to bond with him and within weeks of returning he tries to seduce my partner I don't exactly see what I could have possibly done to 'cause him to deceive me'. As a fellow Dom, could it be that you don't want to give up control of your woman to another man? She is YOURS and not to follow the commands of another man? Maybe think of it as you are telling her to do what you want and the other man is just a tool to achieve that Thanks, fellow Dom for sharing your opinion. You are right, I'm caught between my role as Dominant in the BDSM Lifestyle and Life partner in everyday life. There is a very sacred D/s relationship when she wears her collar (and we are VERY involved in the community) so when it's time to take the collar off and we're on equal grounds it makes it very difficult for me to know where I stand with possessing and owning my partner. My partner has been with men who have had very big cocks, some 14 inches long, some extremely thick. So she has learned that she enjoys big dick. Though I have a very decent girth and measure 6 inches, I realize that on occasion she would like something big for variety. I've recently purchased a hollow strap-on that is HUGE. It's become her new favourite 'toy'. She doesn't always want it big but when she does she reaches for that. I've tested her by sending her photos of men with big penises and asked her if she would like that I would present her a dick that size in real life. Her response: 'I'd rather play with the strap-on'. So right now that is the tool to achieve variety or 'something else'. She is very attractive and is always being hit on, either in public, random men on facebook and other sites and by ex lovers and ex boyfriends. Though she likes the attention she becomes a solid wall if the man literally thinks he has a chance. 'Look but don't touch', and she becomes quite dominant if a man tries to dominate(/seduce her). To date she is the first woman I have trusted will not deceive me. Recently (after a year) I allowed my partner to have a rope suspension with a Dom I had only recently met. I am never ok with my partner being Dominated by another man so I figured I would allow her to have a session with this man since she was just going to be tied up and suspended. During the scene the Dom began Dominating her. This is when I realized how much I really disliked another man controlling or Dominating my partner. We even talked about it later and I told her I would have much more preferred watching him fuck her than him Dominating her. It's a thing of 'energy', his energy was mixing with hers and it made me nauseous. At least sex is just an animalistic act, there is some energy flow but now as intense an energy as in a BDSM scene. Remember, you don't have to change-it's not wrong to feel the way you do. Everyone is different and perfectly entitled to their own feelings and boundaries in this particular lifestyle. Thanks for this. It's nice to see something positive. Though I don't want to change who I am, I'd like to open up my way of thinking on this subject in order to better enjoy my life, to bring joy to my partner and to unlock a certain something that is currently a 'closed door' in this house of life that my partner and I are building. This is where I/we are at the moment. It's not where I want to be months or years from now. You wouldn't be the only one to know what your partner looks like naked; if you don't like the idea of other men "owning" a visual of your partner naked, for example, you might be best to stick with monogamy. Trust me it's not a hang up on having my partner seen naked. In the past year she has been seen naked by hundreds, possibly thousands of people. We are active in our BDSM community and she spends most of those events naked or near naked. We also travel in order to give sexuality and alternative lifestyle conferences and workshops and often she is naked in front of a crowed of 100 people ore more. My analogy was simply with the fact that men are very visual. It had nothing to do with my partner. She has nearly 100 naked or nearly photo on her community profile and she enjoys the attention, she is a beautiful woman and I'm pleased that she is getting the attention. If you were walking down the street and saw a homeless man, and while approaching you see him take out a whisky bottle and take a swig, would you be eager to give him $100 when he asked for change? I'm not sure I'm picking up the parallel in the analogy. Do you see men, generally speaking, as beggars? Always asking for something and giving nothing in return? I wonder if it's a matter of seeing only what you're determined to see. You believe this of men, and so it's all you see? There are men of integrity out there. My analogy was about 'merit'. I would be pleased to share my partner with a man who merit time with her. To choose just any man or even any 'nice guy' for that matter is not enough of a merit. I value my partner and can say that I worship her (not in a submissive way). It's about quality, not opportunity. She would agree with me. I mentioned the scenario above about the photo I showed her of the guy with the big cock, even if she likes big cock there better be a respectful and worthy man connected to it if he's going to be sharing our bed. I think the hang-up seems to be the idea of ownership. I would suggest exploring that. You may dislike my suggestion, but that's probably because it's the thing you know you should do. Yes, it's about ownerships. And as I mentioned earlier I'm in conflict between two roles (her Dominant in the BDSM Lifestyle and our everyday life when the collar comes off. Where does Ownership belong in an equal-opportunity relationship? The more I think about it as her Dom, I enjoy this role it's natural but I'm a very open-minded and respectful person I'm happy with her being independant (sans-collier). That's a really weird place to be. Where do I fit in? She is not going to take her independant ass out to find lovers, and she is my partner but I don't actually 'own' her. It's conflicting and confusing. We as individuals are basically internally generating magnets and we attract other people and situations based on how we feel or perceive things. You get back what you put out not the other way around. If you believe something will happen it will happen because you attracted it IE you asked for it. Yes I agree with you. We are naturally attracted to others and others to us. It's up to us to welcome them to our inner circle or to put up barriers. In a relationship we put up agreed-upon barriers (I won't date anyone else, I won't start a relationship with someone else, I won't fuck someone behind your back...). I'm all for positive energy and I'm pourring it in to our relationship as often and as much as I can. Our relationship is wonderful. We are celebrating our first year anniversary tomorrow (saturday). My partner was telling one of her friends that we have been together for one year. Her friend asked: 'so how are things going, what is your relationship like?' my partner's answer: 'It's WOW!!!!!' Her reaction made my heart flutter. Truly. It was confirmation that all the effort, all the positive energy I was putting was paying off. How many women answer that when asked how their relationship is? The reason you have never had any good relationships with other men in your life is because you are thinking all men are shit so you're attracting shitty men to you. Also, when you meet a man for the first time don't you think he picks up on the disdain you have for him? You also don't have any respect for him so why should he like or respect you. I'm sorry but unless your certified psychologist I'd like to ask you to please refrain from answering with a tone like you are providing me with a psychological diagnosis. 'The reason you are like this is because'. Seriously? Is that really how you choose to talk to a stranger? I treat men with 10x more respect than the average man. Believe me. There is no disdain, there is no hatred in my eyes. Deep in my heart and memory there are scars but on the surface I give every man the benefit of the doubt and treat them VERY well. I'll give you an exmaple. I once met a man at an art expo, he was of course an artist. We talked for some time. That week we met for a coffee and talked about his career and his dreams. He shared some of his dreams, of course I couldn't make them all come true. One was for his works to be published in his favourite magazine. Having many contacts 'in important positions' I contacted the magazine and discussed my artist friend with the editor of the magazine. He agreed to do a showcase in a future magazine of this artist. How many men would go that far for another man? So please let off on all the 'you get what you give, if you treat men like shit they'll treat you like shit'. Not everything is black and white. I'm responsable for my shortcoming and I always own up to my faults but please stop justifying men can be selfish, cheats, untrustworthy, liars, thieves. (not ALL men) but it exist in men to be like that. Seems to me you are new to the swinger life-style or new at being a couple in the swinger life-style. Nope, spent 10 years in the swingers' lifestyle. As for being new in the lifestyle as a couple, we are not interested in becoming members of the community. MMF (and FFM) threesomes exist outside of the swinger lifestyle. The reason you despise men is because you see them as competition... You say it's not jealousy and you are correct. It's insecurity. Haha. This has to be the funniest thing I've read so far. Seriously? Competition. I don't understand where you are going with this? I'm very confident in who I and what I have to offer my partner. My insecurites aren't in myself they are in my lack of trust in men. Competition? What would another man have to offer my partner? And how would this relate to 'sex'? are you implying that I'm insecure due to the fact that I feel in sexual competition with other men? That makes no sense to me. My partner would much prefer spending an evening with a dildo than with another man. With regards to performance, she has told me that she has been with very fit and muscular men with big dicks and the sex was awful. She has never complained about my performance, in fact once we finish a session within an hour she wants more (her justification: 'good sex makes me want more!'). I'm really curious on what you meant by competition, please explain to me. Because you do not like criticism, you feel us swingers have nothing productive to say. I think you are very confused and need to learn more about the swinger life style before you guys decide to move forward. Swinging is suppose to be fun. If you are not going to have fun with it, it's only going to lead to misery. It's not for you guys at this time. Uhm? What? I do not like criticism? who does? I never said that 'you' swingers have nothing productive to say. If I thought you had nothing productive to say I would have never signed up to this site in hopes of finding resolution to my problem. I started this post telling you that I have a problem and all I've gotten so far is either redundancy (telling me I have a problem, yes I know that), telling me I'm selfish (that one I don't get cause if I were selfish I wouldn't be here trying to figure a way to get passed this to make this fantasy of my partner real). As for learning more about the swinging lifestyle I think it's important to state that I spent 10 years in the 'swingers' lifestyle', my ex partners and I would go with other couples to clubs, though we wouldn't swap we would have sex side by side. We also engaged in FFM on many occasions. The question I am asking is NOT 'how do I get into the swinger lifestyle?' my question is 'has anyone encountered what I'm going through and how do I get passed it'. I'm not interested in entering the social aspect of the swinger lifestyle and becoming a member of a club. I'm simply wanting to know how to get comfortable with adding another man to my partner and I's play sessions at home. I'm not on here to make friends, nor to enter the swinger lifestyle (or community). I'm simply asking for insight, feedback on the subject at hand (and that's all). Please try to keep my main question as focus point. This thread as turned in many directions leading us into areas that have nothing to do with my initial question. I appreciate you taking the time to answer but with all the commments so far we are completely off topic so I will restart so we can get back on track: Greetings, I have an unusual dilemma. I fantasize about sharing my partner for HER pleasure but am hesitant due to the fact that I'm in no way interested in giving pleasure to another man (either through me, or through her). Am I the only who thinks this way? Are there any men here who once had this thought and have moved on? What are your recommendations?
  2. In order to be as transparent and open I'm fully aware of why I dislike men. Simply, I've never met one that I could trust or that I admired his charm or intelligence. Also being a man, I know how men think and how we are hardwired. From a psychological point of view and to help shed some light on why I dislike men, and why I can not trust them in 40 years every male friend I've ever had, every male I've ever known (including my father) proved to be untrustworthy. My father abandoned us a few years after I was born, my stepfather was abusive after my mother passed away. When I was married my best friend slept with my wife behind my back. Every man I have ever known has tried to steal my girlfriends, not SOME, ALL! And it continues today, men are always going behind my back. My current partner allows me access to her personal accounts (email, online accounts) and men that I know will send her messages trying to hook up with her not realizing I read her messages. We are very active in our 'alternative lifestyle' community. It is well known that we are a couple. It should be, it's been a year. And every single time we meet a man in the community within 24 hours he is sending her messages (some explicit) trying to hook up even going as far as saying: 'your boyfriend doesn't need to know'. We could go on for hours talking about what I've experienced with men in my life and at the age of 40 it's sad to say I do not have one single male friend that I trust to give my house key to and say: 'when I'm away feel free to use my place'. I surely would not be comfortable sharing my girlfriend with him! I appreciate your comment, please don't see this is unappreciative but I seem to always get this response and I dislike it. From a woman's point of view maybe it's different but that's my problem. It's different with men. I can't imagine saying to myself: 'He only gets her for a little while, I have her for life', honestly that's not very comforting. Men are territorial, possessive, collectors. We collect experiences, we possess things. I don't have a problem with the sexual side of sharing my partner it's the fact that a man (who I dislike) is possessing my partner (doesn't matter if it's for a little while or for life - honestly for me it's the same due to the fact that as men when we possess the girl, we possess her for life. Not physically but she is now a part of us, she will live in my fantasies, my desires, my wants. I can say I've conquered this woman and she belonged to me, if even for a moment. Why do you think there are so many male photographers? It's their way of possessing a woman for life (in a photograph) if they can't have her physically. As for 'Holy Shit, what a ride', that's EXACTLY what I don't want another man to say to me. He would be there for HER pleasure. I'm not interested in giving any kind of pleasure to another man (either through me or through her). It has zero to do with jealousy. If you were walking down the street and saw a homeless man, and while approaching you see him take out a whisky bottle and take a swig, would you be eager to give him $100 when he asked for change? I read in another forum someone who described that to share your wife with another man you must have some attraction to the other man (not necessarily sexual but some form of admiration). This I can understand cause If we risk touching skin to skin during the threesome I'd much rather admire the guy than dislike him or be indifferent towards him. Also I'd be less defensive. I don't think I would ever be happy with the fact that I give a piece of my partner that he will take away with him and possess for the rest of his life but at least during the act I'd be able to let go and concentrate on my partners pleasure. Another thing I'd like to state and I've discussed this with my partner is the fact that when we have a FFM threesome EVERYONE is participating, we are all involved. I touch her, she touches her, we are all kissing, fucking,... with a MMF (normally) the energy flow is very closed off. It doesn't circulate. I do not consider myself homosexual,occasionally I'm bi-curious (but aren't all men!) but the possibility of being with a man bring me back to the same thing: 'I'm ok playing with the cock (hell I play with my own), I just don't like what's attached to it'. It would be impossible to explore this as well cause my partner has expressed how it would really turn her off to see me with another man. Which doesn't really matter cause I've explored when I was younger and if in fact I was bisexual it would be 80% women/20% men I hope I'm not coming off defensive, I appreciate all your comments. Looking forward to reading more. This is a difficult issue and I'm hoping to get pass it.
  3. Greetings, I have an unusual dilemma. I fantasize about sharing my partner for HER pleasure but am hesitant due to the fact that I'm in no way interested in giving pleasure to another man (either through me, or through her). Am I the only who thinks this way? Are there any men here who once had this thought and have moved on? What are your recommendations? My dilemma lies in the fact that I dislike men, in fact I despise them, YET I fantasize about sharing my partner with another men or even other men. Again for HER pleasure. Of course for me, it would be voyeuristic pleasure. I don't wish to be cuckold, therefore I am always included in the fantasy scenarios. We often simulate DP's and gangbangs with additional dildos added to our play sessions. But the moment I imagine the 'cock' attached to an actual man it turns me off. A little about us. I am 40, very active and known in the BDSM Lifestyle. I travel to give sexuality and alternative lifestyle conferences and workshops. I also consider that "Live the Fantasy' meaning on a regular basis I have FFM, FFFM, sex slaves, cuckold (of course I'm the Bull). My partner is 24, and though we have an large age difference this is the best relationship I have ever had in my life. Our relationship is based on transparency and there is nothing that we don't talk about. The first year together we have played on two occasions with other women. The first in order for my partner to experiment with a woman, which she recognized afterwards that she identifies as bisexual. The second time with a woman that my partner wanted to experiment in dominating, which she found she enjoyed very much. After a year together we are starting to talk about MMF and couples. When we talk about her with another man she gets a glimmer in her eyes, and I want to make this fantasy real for her...BUT I'm stuck with my dilemma. Please share your comments if they are productive and positive. I've done a lot of soul-searching to bring me to where I am and I can honestly say that none of my dilemma has anything to do with jealousy. If this wasn't something I wanted to make real I wouldn't be here typing this right now. Also, I have asked other 'swingers' these questions and I've been told that I'm selfish or to make up my mind, and plenty of other un-helpful comments. Please only reply if you think you can help me get pass this and have something valuable to share or recommend. Thanks, Best wishes, Shadowpuppet
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