bob35

Self acceptance is amazing how it will show up in all areas of your life. Not just in the realm of swinging. Below is a Youtube clip that really points it out and drives it home about how critical we tend to be on ourselves.

Just a few thoughts come to mind that may be worth considering: During the "playtime" your thoughts were on actually getting your wife to open up to playing in a 3some. She decided to go for it and truly enjoyed it more than either of you thought she would. The next morning her hostess mode kicked in and she wanted to make him breakfast. Meanwhile your focus was no longer on her and your desire to have a 3some. Rather it became focused on yourself and your immediate wants for time alone with her. This escalated when she could not understand what your sudden shift in thinking was all about. That would confuse anyone. It further escalated when you started playing the victim about things like your having to fold your own laundry vs: her hostess mode / helping out a friend, etc. At this point the best suggestion I could make would be to stop everything and sit down with your wife and talk. This talk must be from the heart with each of you owning your feelings NOT being a victim and blaming anyone. Each of you CHOSE to engage in this fantasy. Now you get to choose how you are going to move forward TOGETHER. As a way to start this talk I would suggest hat in hand, and owning your personal history that clouded your feelings/reactions and thus your ability to focus on your life together as adults, that went into this together. Get back to that place in your head that you were focusing out onto your partner's pleasure. Once you are able to do that it will get you out of the victim mode of thinking and reacting. I would also strongly suggest that you start being as totally open and honest as you have stated that she has been over the years. By not doing so you are setting yourself up to repeat your first marriage failure. To make a long story short: It appears like you were pushing her to live in the moment, go for it and own her sexuality. She finally broke out of her box and did just that. Then your history kicked in and all of a sudden it was NOT OK to live in the moment and just go for it. Time to leave your history behind or you will just keep repeating it. ( I know - easier said than done )

I know you are in the state of giving up and throwing in the towel. I remember that feeling all to well. When you throw in the towel on the relationship be sure to do whatever is required to take your kids with you. Please stop and think about them and what her behavior will do to them in the long term. I am saying this from my own experiences. I made that mistake. I know you are not employed, etc. but figure out something to be sure to get your kids out of the situation WITH you.

Another thing that I have not seen posted about "enhanced" breasts - They seem to me to be rather hard. Not soft and pliable. They almost poke you. MUCH nicer when they mold to you while snuggling and hugging. Fake boobs make me realize what it feels like for a woman when giving a hug and they get the butt of my pistol (when in shoulder holster) in their boob or side. BTW: the molding applies to all sizes even smallish A cups.

This response greatly concerns me based on my own experiences in my first marriage. We were raised in different denominations but had agreed to disagree AND respect each others outlooks on religion. That all changed when she got "saved" All of a sudden she HAD to save me as well. Out of respect for her ( and the marriage ) I did re evaluate my thoughts and went to many services, meetings, etc. After about 6 to 9 months of this I came to the conclusion that I still held my original beliefs. I expressed this repeatedly and occasionally rather pointedly. She did not stop trying to save me. I shut down emotionally more each time she would bring it up. Eventually it killed all positive feelings I had for her and I stayed in the marriage for another couple years "for the kids". Only years later did I realize that by my NOT doing whatever it took to wake her up then to the fact that her trying to "save" me, was in fact sending the marriage down the tubes. To me it was a total lack of respect for the agreements we had prior to the marriage that we had concerning religion. In a nutshell - it changed the terms of the relationship unilaterally. Any time terms of a relationship are changed unilaterally then trust will be lost. When someone can't own and acknowledge their own actions like you are encountering more and more trust will be lost. No relationship can survive without total trust and transparency. Trust also includes your "safe harbor" of home. Being able to trust that your feelings are being respected at home is lost when you are always on guard for the next "sermon". If you want to save your marriage I would strongly suggest repeatedly making her aware of what you are experiencing from this behavior. Be sure to own that these are your feelings about it WITHOUT placing blame anywhere. Just cleanly express YOUR feelings. It is then up to her to decide whether she wants to remain in the marriage under the original terms of the marriage. She can also see if you are willing to renegotiate new terms of the marriage just like the two of you did when you started swinging. For your kids sake please be aware of how extreme zealots can be. I didn't early on and only later discovered how it was affecting them. 10's of thousands of dollars worth of attorney and psychologist's fees later she woke up and moderated what she was doing. ( nightmares related to the book of revelations at 5 years old ) I am seeing a LOT of the same resignation I felt at that point in time in your posts. Please don't make the same mistakes I did in how I handled it. Feel free to PM me for more.

The only thing that concerns me now is your comment above about "needing" to feel guilty. It was just an event that happened from a poor choice - nothing more or less. An event is just that - an event. Putting a charge on the event (positive or negative) does nothing to build the relationship with your husband. Glad to hear you two have opened the communication lines again so that the two of you can move forward together in your relationship. Yes I am sure it is going to be messy at times but the important thing is owning and expressing your thoughts and feelings. It is amazing what the difference is when you own the feeling rather than blame the other for the feelings you are having. It is an entirely different paradigm for all involved. Coming from the place (emotionally, etc.) that it sounds like you are at now it sounds like you are really back into the mindset of creating a win-win for your marriage. Enjoy it.

Based on the OP's responses it was a matter of making poor choices on how to deal with the situation. At this point it appears that she has chosen to make cleaner choices to keep her relationship with her husband intact and improve the long term growth of the marriage. Personally it appears that she made a poor choice and wanted justification that it was the best choice at that time. Now she realizes that there are better choices that can create a clean win win for the her marriage then it becomes a learning experience for her. Also for anyone else that reads these boards. Condemning her now that she is making clean choices only puts us in the same category as those that judge us for our choices to participate in the lifestyle.

The situation all depends on the terms of the relationship with your husband. IF it was agreed that it was to be a physically monogamous relationship then you get to clean it up by coming clean with him about what happened. In the process you may want to renegotiate the terms of your relationship so that it does not become an issue in your relationship with your husband. It becomes cheating ONLY when you break the agreed terms of the relationship with your husband. Only the two of you can determine what those terms consist of. In our ( US ) culture it is 99.99% assumed that a marriage is to be physically exclusive. That is where so many relationships fail. The people involved are assuming something based on the culture without actually discussing it. The cheating comes into play when you do something to break an agreement or go against your prior word. That creates a breakdown in trust. No relationship can survive without total trust between the parties involved. I have had this discussion with numerous people when they have caught or been caught by their partners cheating. The primary issue in most cases was the breakdown of trust, with only a small amount being the actual physical act. Granted it took a LOT of talking in some cases for that to be revealed but the broken agreement / trust was the primary problem. Another thing of major importance if you have broken a monogamy agreement with your husband is to own the breakdown not trying to shift the blame onto him. It was your breakdown that caused it despite the facts of his condition. By owning and acknowledging the breakdown you can then start to rebuild the relationship and in the process possibly negotiate new terms of your relationship so that your needs can be handled with integrity. Whether those needs are handled by / with your husband or others is all part of the renegotiation of your relationship.