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iapr

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iapr last won the day on April 19 2009

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About iapr

  • Rank
    Has Left the Building
  • Birthday 02/01/1966

Personal Info

  • Relationship Status
    couple
  • Location
    State of bliss
  • Interests
    Dining, dancing, flirting and of course swinging.
  • Swinging Experience
    over one year

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  1. I was thinking along those lines as well, although I was also thinking that if a gal thinks he is having an affair she is also able to think that he is ultimately going to leave his wife and be with her. If he comes out and says he and his wife have a happy marriage and that the wife approves and condones it, that probably means that he is never going to leave and that she truly is just a fuck buddy and always will be.
  2. I don't at all. We have always been pretty steadfast about only swinging together and that we do not play separately or go on "dates" with others but we have played in separate rooms with different halves of couples at partys before and it is open for consideration for future house parties. I agree with you in that playing in separate rooms at a single location and a closed event is just a variation in swinging. You are arriving together, meeting and socializing with the same people together and you are ultimately leaving together. What a houseparty environment does is just gives you a little more leeway and flexibility in matching each of your individual tastes. You are not as restricted to finding that ever so elusive 4-way click.
  3. Ok for starters I need to be upfront in that I am not a poly and we do not swing or play alone at all and neither one of us has ever had any intentions or aspirations of finding a girlfriend or boyfriend on the side. But another thread got me thinking about this question. For the guys that are looking for a girlfriend on the side with permission from their wife, do you think some of them would be more successful at finding that FWB or GF if they lied about having permission and were pretending to cheat? I mean this seems really ironic in that as swingers we claim to value honesty and openness and look at cheating and adultery with disdain but as was pointed out by Julie on another thread, a lot of people just can't handle the truth. Some actually want to believe that they are cheating and that they are "the other woman." Once some learn the truth that they have permission and it is all right the relationship ends. In other words they would rather be with an adulterer having an affair than be a FWB or GF with someone playing with permission. While we try to claim it is all sanctioned and authorized, most of the general public has an easier time accepting adultery. For women it's easy to get FWBs on the side but for guys a lot of women run if a guy tries to explain his wife is ok with it. While I can not condone dishonesty or deceit, is the reality of the situation that a guy would be more successful at finding a FWB if he were to lie about his permission status and pretend to be a cheater?? That flies in the face of all that I believe in as traditional, play-together swinger but I can see how it may be a reality in the world. What are your thoughts on this? Are there times you are more successful if you are a lamb in a wolf's clothing?
  4. I think there is a ton of wisdom in what Julie is saying and I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing in a situation like this. To many people the whole concept of someone having sex with permission outside of a marriage is unfathomable. It's pretty ironic but I think a lot of people would actually have more success if they were PRETENDING to be cheating as opposed to being upfront and honest about it. I think Julie also has a good point that if you two were to meet and have full disclosure it could be the beginning of the end for your husband and this gals relationship. I think she thinks they are going to end up together whether she is being told that or not. It may be a good bet that once she realizes she is the booty call and in the secondary position AND ALWAYS WILL BE then she will bolt. I don't care how liberal or openminded someone is, women want their own primary relationship and want their partner devoted to them and they don't want to just burrow someone else's now and then on an ongoing basis. the only thing I disagree with on what Julie said is that I think your husband should arrainge and broker you and her meeting. I don't think you should take into your own hands and do it yourself. You are the wife here and you are the one with the vested interest in the sanctity of your marriage. If they are going to have their little play time they both need to be able to look you in the eye and show you that they will honor your interests in this whole thing. (can you tell I am a traditionalist and not a poly?) Ps I'm not really picking on your husband here. I would say the same thing to him if you were the one with the boyfriend and that BF was refusing to meet your husband
  5. Ok, I'll back off and take your word for it. You are right in that you know him and your marriage better than any of us. All any of us have to go on is what you wrote in your initial post and from there we all have to read between the lines and go with our gut to a certain extent. I will stand by my fish statement though. when you smell fish there is something fishy going on. Now whether that fish smell is coming from him or her or the dynamics of all three of you is up for grabs but as it stands right now this does not make for a healthy swinging situation or poly situation, will you agree with me there? I do agree with those that advise you to keep this out of the work place as much as possible. I realize others have a million times more tolerance for mixing work and pleasure but I would rather stick sharp objects in my before bringing any kind of lifestyle issues into my place of employment. If you are wanting to meet this gal my advice would be to do it outside of the workplace and somewhere completely neutral and nonthreateing like a lounge or restaurant or something. I also think that is an arraingment that should be completely brokered by your husband. I'm not getting digs on him. If I were in his shoes this is what I would want to do to clear my name and show everyone that I am playing fair. If his hands are as clean as you say they are then he should want to clear his name and show both of you ladies that he is sincere and that he is being open and honest with both of you. If he refuses to do it then you have your answer there about his intentions. If he makes a sincere effort to get the three of you to sit down together and she refuses to do it then you have your answer about her. If they both refuse then you have your answer about both of them.
  6. The last post that the OP made on this board was approx 21/2 years ago. If nothing else the fact that this situation has caused her to come back and post a heartfelt question like this leads me to believe she is not "perfectly happy" with this situation. If if were not causing her a degree of distress we would not have ever heard about it. As far as your last question, if the OP and the other had some form of relationship and acknowledgement and everyone was good with it, then no I would not consider it fucking around or exploitive boorish behavior. At that point it would be consenting adults with informed consent and agreement by all. That is not occuring here. If you smell something fishy the chances are there are some smelly fish nearby and this whole situation definately smells fishy.
  7. And this doesn't bother you? This isn't swinging and this isn't polyamory and it isn't really even cheating because technically you are aware of it and aren't actively protesting. The only way I can describe this is it is a sanctioned affair. They are having an affair in every sense of the word, the only difference is you know about it and have thus far approaved it. I just want to know why you have approaved of it and let it go on like this for so long. He is definately having his cake and eating it too and I think you have a good point when you ask what is in it for you. The way I see it, there isn't really anything in it for you. You are just loaning out your husband to someone who isn't even appreciative or providing you with anything in return. Regardless of what has or has not been said to her, she obviously believes that he and her are having an affair and she is ashamed of it and does not want you or any of her freinds to know about it. This is just a dirty little secret to her. This is a problem and it is not a swinger issue as this is NOT swinging. Swinging is something a couple does together for their mutual enjoyment as a couple. this is just fucking around and boarish behaviour. He is using both of you women for his benifit and each of you is coming out on the short end of the stick. I think his behaviour is poor and that he is taking advantage of both of you. He is telling you that you are swinging and this is some kind of swinging activity and therefor you should sanction it (you should definately NOT!!!) and he is probably telling her that he is in love with her and that he is plotting to leave you so that they can be together. He is lying to both of you. He is telling you that you are swinging and that this is ok and that you should put up with it. And he is lying to her in some way about the nature of all of this. he is either telling her that he is getting ready to leave you or he is telling her that you are so dumb and that he has you so bullshitted that you don't know what is truly going on between them. Either way this is a whole different reality to her than it is to you. Either way this is not swinging it is an affair. You may have been mislead into believing it was swinging, but to the both of them they are conducting themselves as if it were an affair. Words mean nothing, actions mean everything. Just take a hard look at their actions. I am sorry this is happening to you and I wish you the best.
  8. Part of me wants to agree with you but I think the reality is that a lot of people will be taking hikes around you if that is really how you conduct your affairs. (I dont' mean you you knb, I mean people in general) Unfortunately this isn't just a vanilla phenominon either, people in the lifestyle will judge and disavow you too for your lifestyle activities. There are people that are actice swingers themselves that will decide at some point that you swing "too much" or "too little" and will turn their backs. People have lost friendships over swinging too much or swinging with the wrong crowd or with the wrong color or because they screw single males or because they don't screw singles etc etc etc etc - the list can go on forever. It may be wrong and it may not be fair but everyone judges and everyone is judged by others. When someone does something or becomes something that someone else finds distastefull they will severe the ties whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. My question still stands to the OP, How was this gal able to see your pictures? The reason I ask is any pictures you put up anywhere is your billboard and people will judge you based on what they see and even though that picture may be a nanosecond frozen in time out of your life that is what they are going to base their perception of you on.
  9. I think in many ways what one considers aggressive is based a lot on what their level of interest is to begin with. Say for instance some gal is really interested in a guy and does want to play with him. As long as he isn't actually demeaning or disrespectful he can say darn near anything and it won't be interpreted as aggressive. If she has zero interest in him, anything beyond "hello" may be interpreted as aggressive, rude or intrusive. Bottom line is watch for the signs, if someone is being receptive and positive in their responses to your approach you are ok. If someone is showing signs of defensiveness or is coming up with reasons and excuses not to go any further then stop and back off. It's ok to be outgoing and it's ok to make the first moves but if it is not being met with some degree of positive feedback at any given stage then it is time to back off.
  10. Ouch, I sure that had a little sting to it and perhaps even A LOT of sting to it. the first thing I have is a question, if she is so saintly where is it she is seeing your pictures???? Anyway, here are a few thoughts. Some people do find some things morally objectionable and are so turned off by them that they cannot continue a relationship. As an example if I found out one of my friends was a child molester I would not be able to morally rectify that enough to maintain a relationship with that person no matter how much enjoyed that person up untill the time I found out. Unfortunately some people hold swingers in almost as high esteem as child molesters and murderers etc etc. From the tone and the terms this gal used I would say that she finds the whole concept of swinging totally distastefull and offensive and her opinion of you is now in the gutter. In reading her message I get the tone that she is saddened that you are not what she perceived you to be and that she is not able to morally rectify her distaste for your swinging activities and allow herself to maintain a friendship with you. That is her call and there really isn't anything you can do about it to change her views. Her views may change over time as her own life and her own moral beliefs and values change but that is out of your control. This is one of the realities and one of the facts of life of the lifestyle. some people find it offensive and distastefull. This is exactly why so many people value privacy and discretion so dearly. Friendships can be lost over it. Anyway, my advice is don't argue, don't get mad and above all don't try to change her mind or her values. As she expressed how she felt about your activities but did not appear to try and get you to change your beliefs or behaviours I think it is fair for you to express that you are saddened by the loss of her friendship and companionship but as she did not try to change your moral beliefs you should not try to change hers or attempt to defend yourselves or defend your decisions made as consenting adults. You could say you are saddened by the loss of her friendship but understand that some people will not understand or agree with your lifestyle choices. I would also state that you will leave the door open for any future correspondence should she ever have a change of heart and then leave it at that.
  11. Viagra is not an antianxiety medication at all. It is a vasodialator. It's action is completely physiological and not psychological at all. If someone cannot achieve an erection due to psychological problems or stress or anxiety viagra may not help that. As I said earlier it is not an aphrodisiac and it does not GIVE you an erection. It may assist in the vasodialation of the penis if a state of arousal exists but one must still be aroused/stimulated for the erection to occur. Now that being said sometimes all the stimulation needed may be some gal brushing up against your arm while walking down the hall.......
  12. What would be the point of a repeat of that? Sounds like she may just be a sexual dud in general and a repeat performance isn't going to change that. For all you know they may be perfectly happily married and she may have in fact had a great time, it's just that she is a lousy lover and a dud in bed. Or it may be something more troublesome going on. Maybe he is so tired and frustrated over her being such a dud that he is out looking for someone else or looking to get his needs met elsewhere. Or it could be as suggested that she is getting her arm twisted into swinging and is just tolerating it untill the divorce papers get filed. Either way I agree with the earlier poster that said to stay away from Stud/dead fish-combo couples. The best you can hope for is that you have bad sex with them. At worst there can be a drama bomb waiting to go off. BTW we have encountered Stud/dead fish combos too but more often it has been the fem half that was the tiger and the male that was the dud.
  13. That was one of our biggest fears when we first started in the lifestyle over 3 years ago. The best way to get over it is to just go the club/party/whatever and just have fun. Once you go and have a fun and realize nothing bad happened then you get over it and stop wasting time and energy worrying about it.
  14. I've seen this question come up a couple times too and I think the concept of using viagra as "cheating" is just plain silly. If a gal is wanting to have sex with some guy doesn't it only make sense he should have a hard dick to do it with? Am I missing something here? As far as a man not being attracted or of taking one for the team, here is a little fact about viagra/cialis/levitra, They are not aphrodisiacs and they do not GIVE you an erection. They are vasodialators that allow the blood vessels in the penis to engorge DURING AROUSAL. In other words you don't just pop a pill and your dick gets hard. You still need to have arousal and foreplay etc. Even if someone is taking viagra if he is not aroused or is too distracted or uncomfortable with the situation he may still be unalbe to acheive an erection. Viagra may assist in allowing an erection to occur but it does not MAKE an erection occur.
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