What do you do with playmates you don't want to play with anymore?

[JustAskJulie]

I've been thinking about something for the last few days and I wanted to make a post on it and see what you guys thought.

As swingers we talk a lot about being able to seperate sex and emotion, but I have to wonder how often that is really true. How often do you find yourself with people who you were at one time sex partners with that you are now avoiding. Why is that?

How often do you have people that you swing with that you get tired of swinging with but keep around as friends? Do you typically find yourself doing this? Or is it more often than not a case where you get tired of having sex with them and feel that you just need to move on and completely leave them behind?

[jcbicouple]

From our experience, not wanting to be around someone anymore because you swung with them is usually because emotions were involved. Of course, we may be poor people to be responding to this because other than the people at the club....we rarely see our sex partners again. However, we can tell you that one of the reasons we don't want to be "social friends" is because you can't be real friends and not be emotionally bonded, and we don't want emotional baggage in our play time. We have done it, and it won't happen again! Those we consider "play friends" are our club buddies that we only see at the club, and we only talk on the internet when we aren't there. We love being around them, but as we've said 100 times. Don't call us in the morning, we don't want flowers, and don't send chocolates.

[LikeMinds321]

jcbicouple,

You bring up a something that Mr. LM has brought up to me--gifts from play friends.

Neither of us feels this is a good thing...it would make us uncomfortable. It would feel like too much emotional involvement in the wrong way.

Does it happen often that play friends give gifts, even little ones?

How do you handle this. We would appreciate anyone's perspective on this issue. I can see where it could be a determining factor in whether you want to conintue to play with them.

Mrs. LM

[JustAskJulie]

I'm going to pull out the "swinging is like dating" equation here and say that yes you can have sex with people and be friends with them without there being emotional attachment issues.

I have at least 3 guys that I'm currently friends with who I have had sex with at one time or another. In all 3 cases we are friends and while yes once upon a time we did have sex, now we are friends.

Guy #1: When we first met we had an instant sexual attraction. Hung out a few times with our group of friends and the first time we were alone together we had sex. That was the only time we ever had sex. Once we got past that sex was no longer an issue. We still flirt some but mainly we are good friends... it's been a year since we had sex.

Guy #2: This one was a little awkward initially when we stopped having sex... because I think that he had developed some level of feelings. But once we worked past it, we are now friends. He and I had been having sex for a few months. And now we are both in relationships with other people and we all hang out togehter as non-sexual friends.

Guy #3: The attraction was there from day1. I let him know that if he was interested sex was definately an option. Our main connection was via sex. Even now that we don't have sex anymore there is still a very definate attraction there and we do flirt and tease. But we have discussed many times how great it was that we had that without anyone getting attached (especially since the latest girl he got involved in did get attached).

So why is it so different when swinging is involved? I would think that it would be easier with swinging since everything is very clear up front that it is just sex... It would seem less likely to me that someone would get attached in a swinging situation when it's obvious that there is no possibilities for anything.... vs a singles situation when there is every opportunity for that to happen?

[flywithus]

We've recently had a similar situation where we had found "good friends" to swing with. But all too soon, it became a game of possession and jeaolousy for the woman of the other couple. We didn't learn until later on (a few months) that they shared a rocky marriage and that the wife of the couple was looking for the comfort and sexual satisfaction of a woman (me), but not her husband, or my husband, for that matter. She became very jealous & possessive. We were friends that would "hang" together to shop, do movies and lunch and our families shared time together, including vacations. But when it came to us swinging with other couples, it was just plain weird - very uncomfortable.

A few times I felt the jealousy levels so high that I had to say something to her, causing her to back off a bit, but you could still "feel" the uncomfortable in the air... you could still feel the jealousy there. It became so thick until we finally fought through emails (I had finally had it!) and it ended our 2 year friendship quite abruptly.

Now... what do you do with swingers you don't want to swing with anymore??? Hard question. But I'm sure we'll find it easier since we've decided to do exactly what jcbicouple does and not involve emotions in our play time any more. It was a lesson we won't soon forget and are somewhat shell shocked.

So, it is hard to be friends with someone you've had sex with... at least, that is, if one of the couples (in our case, the other couple) is insecure with themselves, or their marriage, etc. I think if you can find that rare exception where both couples are well rounded, easy going, true lifestylers, honest and in a good relationship, then it's much smoother sailing for everybody and it may not be as difficult to talk about things when it's getting to the point where you want to move on sexually.

For whatever it's worth... that's our 2 cents! lolol
xoxo

[jcbicouple]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
I'm going to pull out the "swinging is like dating" equation here and say that yes you can have sex with people and be friends with them without there being emotional attachment issues.

I have at least 3 guys that I'm currently friends with who I have had sex with at one time or another. In all 3 cases we are friends and while yes once upon a time we did have sex, now we are friends.

Guy #1: When we first met we had an instant sexual attraction. Hung out a few times with our group of friends and the first time we were alone together we had sex. That was the only time we ever had sex. Once we got past that sex was no longer an issue. We still flirt some but mainly we are good friends... it's been a year since we had sex.

Guy #2: This one was a little awkward initially when we stopped having sex... because I think that he had developed some level of feelings. But once we worked past it, we are now friends. He and I had been having sex for a few months. And now we are both in relationships with other people and we all hang out togehter as non-sexual friends.

Guy #3: The attraction was there from day1. I let him know that if he was interested sex was definately an option. Our main connection was via sex. Even now that we don't have sex anymore there is still a very definate attraction there and we do flirt and tease. But we have discussed many times how great it was that we had that without anyone getting attached (especially since the latest girl he got involved in did get attached).

So why is it so different when swinging is involved? I would think that it would be easier with swinging since everything is very clear up front that it is just sex... It would seem less likely to me that someone would get attached in a swinging situation when it's obvious that there is no possibilities for anything.... vs a singles situation when there is every opportunity for that to happen?

We have a question..... Why continue to flirt and tease if there's no interest in sex (i.e. swinging in the future)?

[sharp1]

This situation maybe an example of being a Single Male having it's advantadges.
First off, I find that getting personally involved with couples rarely happens, even after multiple encounters with the same couple. I think it is because it's just me, not two of us that lends itself to idea of not being included in social settings other than sex. This is good for all involved.
When I have received gifts from others (always something minor, calenders,etc.) I have just said thanks and forgot about it, just as they have when it was my turn to be gift giver.
Ihave found that it is best to keep this lifestyle in perspective, that it is sex between consenting adults, and therefore anything beyond that (friendships, hobbies, etc.) is a bonus.
Good Luck
-Michael

[b_and_sc]

I posted about this question not too long ago and got some great responses...

We told the other couple that we wanted to meet some others for possible play time and thought it only fair to let this couple know. We said that we weren't saying no to being with them again, but it was time for us to expand our horizons a little...

how did they respond??? by not returning the email and deleting us from their chat lists

We enjoyed their company very much, in and out of the bedroom. We even had family get togethers including all our children. I think you are right when you add the emotional part into the equasion...our kids are asking when we will take them to play at their house again....sigh I think our next play partners will stay strictly that, just play partners for us.

b

[Mich149]

Originally posted by jcbicouple
We have a question..... Why continue to flirt and tease if there's no interest in sex (i.e. swinging in the future)?

Because flirting is FUN! I regularly flirt with many guys at work, at school, etc. that I have no intention of ever having sex with. They know this, I know this, but playing around and feeling sexy/cute and having the other person feel you are sexy/cute is just plain harmless fun.

We also just had to cut some ties. The couple was nice and they were fun, but for a few different reasons, we just didn't "click". It took me days to write an email to say good bye that I didn't think would cause hurt feelings.

We prefer to be friends with our partners. Agreeabley it makes some thing harder (like calling it off), but for the most part it only enhances our fun together.

[bear_n_bunny]

Maybe we are just different, but this has never been a problem for us. The couples we play with are our friends and we enjoy their company and vice versa, whether we are playing or not. Excessive emotional entanglements have never been a problem.

On the other hand, we are very picky about who we play with. And no, I'm not talking about the usual Barbie and Ken clone initial criteria (physical attractiveness) for picking play partners, either.

When we meet up with a couple, the first thing we do is get to know them; spend some time with them, and above all, TALK to them. Feel them out; what are their likes and dislikes; what, if anything, do we have in common with them in terms of interests; do we genuinely like them as people and vice versa (not just as fuckbuddies). You get the idea.

Those with whom we connect, we end up as play partners with them as well, nor have we ever felt the need to discontinue the play just because we feel the need to "expand our horizons" by meeting other couples. At least it hasn't happened yet.

I think that if some people were more inclined to not choose their play partners on the fly, such as hooking up at clubs and going from zero to testing the bedsprings to destruction in next to nothing flat, they might find themselves less prone to facing unpleasant dilemmas such as have been described here.

Sure, there has to be some kind of physical attraction, but we have found that going for friends first/fuckbuddies second works out much better in the long run. Once you get past stage one, stage two generally falls right into place; and even if the physical attractions is just not there (this has not happened yet), you will still have made some new friends.

This method also gives you a chance to cut out those couple that are, for example, having marital problems, or with whom you share very little in common other than sexual attraction, or other issues that would preclude getting close to them.

-- Bear

[flywithus]

.... but one thing I wanted to explain in our situation...

Bear says... "I think that if some people were more inclined to not choose their play partners on the fly, such as hooking up at clubs and going from zero to testing the bedsprings to destruction in next to nothing flat, they might find themselves less prone to facing unpleasant dilemmas such as have been described here."

Yes, I do believe that is true. And in our particular situation, we DID get to know these people. It was three months before we finally played together. We did meet in a club, but emailed and chatted on the phone for a couple weeks and then met for dinner several times. We got together with the families three times... and then, and only then, when we felt like they were people we could be friends with, did we invite them into our play time.

It was when the emotional side (for the other couple, not us!) of sex was added, the other woman felt a sort of "bond", if you will. THAT is when the jealousy started... that is when she opened up about their "well covered up" marital problems... that is when it became uncomfortable. It continued to get worse over the last few months for us. To the point that we didn't want to continue the play. They were very offended when we told them how uncomfortable we felt of late and didn't choose to remain friends. It was disheartening to say the least. We felt very close to them and didn't think that ending the play would end our friendship. But I assume, in our particular case, it was because the other woman had created a bond with me that was more of a "love" than play. That in itself, is DANGEROUS! Warning Will Robinson! WARNING!

So, in that case, getting to know someone didn't quite work. I mean, you never do know someone completely.

Wondering if anyone else has had these experiences. We'd love to learn more.

xoxoxoox

[JustAskJulie]

As far as the flirting goes, Mich149 said it. You can flirt with people and they can flirt with you and still have the knowledge between you (whether spoken or not) that that is all that will happen. Granted you do have to be careful who you flirt with to what extant as some people might take it as more than it is meant. Again it all comes down to being friends.

Which goes back to my original question. Does anyone remain friends with people they no longer have interest in swinging with? You may not want to have sex with them anymore but is that really a reason to cut them off completely?

[flywithus]

....completely. If we were presented with a different situation than above, we probably would have remained friends.

We have aquaintances in the lifestyle though that are "friend collectors". lolol... They play with people once or twice and then, when they figure out they're really not that interested, keep them as aquaintances. Which is great as long as you're up front with the people you're keeping as friends, and not playmates. I know at least six couples these people have played with that think they are still interested in play time with them because they never TOLD them they wanted to just be friends and not play friends.

I don't think that's the way to remain friends. Be honest and upfront and YES... I think you can keep friends in the lifestyle without playing.

Although, sadly, it has not happened for us yet.

[Amy and Mike]

This is Mike, the male half.

I cant exactly answer this question, since our swing experience only amounts to a threesome (we're not exactly seasoned swingers are we?) but, this relates to a question I wanted to ask here.

There's a lot of talk about being able to tell the difference bwtween love and sex, but in reality isnt there really a lot of gray area? Sex for me is about much more than just physical attraction to someone. I definetely dont need to be in love with someone to have sex with them, but a strong attraction beyond just physical...or a strong "connection" with that person is to me what makes it sexy.

Julie, your stories about the 3 different guys are much more along the lines of what an exciting sexual encounter is all about to me. However, I think that could really undermine someone's realationship with their partner. Without it, though, I don't know how exciting the sex would really be. I'm curious, Julie, are you single or married? If you're married, have you ever felt that the connections you made with these guys ever caused a problem in your marriage?

I can see where couples would only swing at clubs and have no further involvement with their partners. It insures that the sex will only be only totally casual.

[yawanna]

I can sortof understand what mike is saying.

We very slowly got to know one particular couple over a period of almost 2 years....we met at clubs, had dinners, invited them to our home once for a housewarming, etc. etc. We didn't go further or become intimate with them during this time as the wife had some health issues, so we just got to know each other as friends.

As her health improved they instigated discussions with us about playing together. We never did consummate the relationship with them, but that's another story

One evening at dinner, the husband confided to mine that he was really 'into me' as he found me physically attractive but mostly he was into my intellect and the way I think.

We didn't not play with them for any reasons of insecurity or boundaries being crossed. Her health prevented them from making long term plans and last minute invites just never worked for us, and we all went our separate ways eventually.

We have also maintained a few friendships with swingers, both previous play partners and friends only. Relationships, like life, evolve, and as long as there is respect for all involved, many people stay in your life as a result.

I think it can go both ways; you can be friends for a long time and then take it to a more intimate level, and, you can become intimate very quickly and take it to a less intimate level later, as friends only. Depends how much you all have in common outside of intramarital sex and how much you want to form a relationship beyond that with certain folks, or not.

So yes, there can be life after a time of 'who's your daddy?'