Problems after we declined based on a picture exchange

[CoupleOfC's]

We've recently encountered a situation that I'm sure some of you have experienced, and we're not quite sure how to handle it. We emailed a couple on Swing Lifestyle based on the information in their profile. Their age, interests etc etc seemed quite compatible with what we're looking for, so we emailed them to let them know we were interested. The catch here is that there were no pics on their profile (and you can see right where this is heading). We heard back from this couple, and have chatted with them briefly, and today they emailed us some G pictures of themselves. Unfortunately, there is no physical attraction for either of us to this couple. Now, normally we have no problem saying "no thanks, we're not interested", but this is the first time we've found ourselves in that situation with a couple WE initiated contact with. Is there anything that we need to do differently in this situation? We both feel REALLY bad that we indicated interest, and now there isn't any. One thing's for sure, we won't be responding to personals without some sort of pic again anytime soon.

Which leads to the second topic..... Why is it that some people get SO upset that couples use looks as a factor to determine wether or not they are interested in meeting someone. We've gotten more than one nastygram back from people who emailed us, and we responded with a simple no thank you, accusing us of being shallow, egotistical a$$holes. Now let me make it PERFECTLY clear...we're NOT looking for couples that look like models. We're not models, and quite frankly, at times we're a bit intimidated by couples that look like they belong on a Hollywood set. But physical attraction DOES matter to us (as does mental/emotional attraction). Why do so many people seem to have so much of a problem with this, and what's the boards opinion of it in general? How important are "looks" to you in prospective playmates?

Thanks for listening, and sorry for the length of this novel

Mrs. C

[Miss_Piggy]

I have a lot of trouble when it comes to the issue of looks. Not only is it a measure that varies from person to person but it also seems to vary for me as one person. Often my attraction to a given person changes drastically as I get to know them. From teh point of originally thinking someone is butt-ugly to then seeing them as quite cute as I get to know them (this can happen in the other direction as well - pretty people becoming ugly).
So I never really know how to use looks as a factor when evaluating people. I know that I do judge people based on looks to a certain extent... I'm just saying that I don't even understand myself how I go about it.
Consciously, I just try to ignore how people look until I get to know them and I can judge a little more accurately.
Just my humble opinon.

~Piggy

[hfire269]

Unfortunately, there is no physical attraction for either of us to this couple. Now, normally we have no problem saying "no thanks, we're not interested", but this is the first time we've found ourselves in that situation with a couple WE initiated contact with. Is there anything that we need to do differently in this situation? We both feel REALLY bad that we indicated interest, and now there isn't any.

I would be as honest and nice about it as possible. I would tell them that I would still like to continue to talk to them just as friends. But niether one of us has a phyiscal attraction to them.

We are talking with a couple where everyone is attracted to everyone else except for the other wife... Shes not phyiscal attracted to my husband becasue he has facial hair. They came told us this after we met with them twice and said that they didnt want us to be wondering why after some many visits nothing happened.. We are good freinds now and shes starting to warm up to the idea of facial hair. So of the problem also was that her and my husband are the shy ones and didnt really talk much.



We dont look for models just average people like us. I have had people get made at us because we are not attracted to them phyiscal. They are nice people to talk and probably hang out with but i know what we like..... I know that my husband and i wont sleep with some one who is serverly overwieght. Ok im not the skinniest person in the world nor will I ever be...We dont mind a few extra pounds which we all have but we like people who are close to hieght/ weight porptionate. I know alot of you may think that we are shallow and full or oursleves but we arent and we try to be as honest and nice about it as possible. We have many friends who are extremely overwieght that are great people to hang out with:-)

Anyhow just my two cents.. sorry its so long.
hfire269(female half)

[nc_couple_28304]

I think that looks play a big decision in potential playmates...Although we try not to base our choices on looks only, no matter how great the person or cple is...In the end, if there is no sparks, then what's the point?

I think the biggest part comes with how you reply when you have decided you are not interested...if you have replied nicely and still get a nasty gram back then obviously you have made a wise decision
by not persuing anything with them.

[theCHERRYSs]

If you find that you are not attracted to physically overweight people then be honest with that couple. Chances are, they knew that this might decrease their chances of connecting with others which is probably why they didn't post pics to begin with. This couple has probably had this same situation occur, so there is probably no reason for you to feel BAD because you have discovered that you are not attracted to them!

Just let them know in as tactfull a manner as you can and maybe softly suggest that they add pics that might help others to direct their querrys in the future. After all, you are very understanding of their situation (being overweight in this lifestyle and not displaying that outwardly) but have they been understanding of YOUR situation ( non-attraction towards those with weight challenges).

There is nothing wrong with being overweight as long as those who are can understand that not everyone is gonna be attracted to them and should not be punished just because they aren't.

Of course, the flip side to that coin is .......there are people who are ONLY TURNED ON BY THOSE WHO POSSESS LARGE GIRTH AND VULUPTUOUS ATTRIBUTES. (someone for everyone theory)

[EternallySingle]

If something about their appearance turns you off that much, don't meet them. And just say, "I enjoyed our talks, but I don't think we should meet at this time." Of course, if you feel there may at least be a friendship that can develop, meet them and make sure they know it won't go any further. Either way, be prepared for a negative response. If they had a picture to show you, they didnd't post it on their ad for a reason.

[Indycpl]

This is a toughy, for sure. Well... for us.. physical attractiveness is a must. Him and I can't get turned on by watching each other with people we don't find attractive.

As far as your situation... you should probably spare their feelings and hold your tongue about them not being attractive, but just let them know that after corresponding with them, you don't feel there is a real compatibility (which is not a lie.) You shouldn't 'need' to explain yourself any further.

I have personally talked to a lot of people who 'are' attractive feeling pretty inadequate to other people because they are striving for an unrealistic physical perfection. To tell someone that you are not attracted to them can make them feel pretty bad about themselves, especially when there are other couples out there who would be attracted to them.

Thanks for posting this.... this opens up another issue for us that we're going to post on another thread.

one more thought... please don't give up on the people who don't have photos posted up front. Sometimes there are VERY good reasons people don't post besides worrying about their appearance. (Brings me to the new thread.)

[JustAskJulie]

THere have been a lot of topics here on the issues of looks and whether or not they should be a priority when choosing a partner (do a search for "physical attraction" or "hwp").

In regards to your particular situation, I feel for you. There is really no way at this point of saying "no thank you" without it being obvious that it's about looks. One thing to consider tho is that often pictures don't hold a candle to the real thing (some people just take bad pictures). I talked to a couple online a while back and almost bailed after seeing pics, but decided to go ahead and at least meet them anyway. I met them and they are both very attractive, evidently just not photogenic.

So I guess my advice here would be to go ahead and go through with a meeting and see what happens. At least then if you meet them and decide you still aren't attracted you can say "Sorry we aren't interested" without it being a totally looks based thing or at least without them assuming it is. And even if you decide that you don't want to play with them, there's nothing wrong with making some new open-minded friends.

[theCHERRYSs]

I am sure that everyone has a "qualifier" when it comes to certain aspects of intimacy and "new encounters." My husband and I always differ when it comes to the subject of looks. Somtimes he feels that the way a person appears, when you see them for the first time, is the way you will always remember them and therefor creates a lasting first impression no matter how much intellect they possess. At other times, he doesn't feel that way at all.

I have always had a difficult time seeing what most people determine is.......UGLY! I mean, I can compare someone to a model on the cover of a magazine or an actress on television...but what good is that......EVER????

So my vision of beauty has always rooted itself in one's personality and overall character. Which makes it sometimes difficult for me to say if I am attracted to this persons Picture or that persons picture..........I do like to focuss on the mouth of a female and the pectoralis major's of a male. Even then, I don't see pretty or ugly, I just see........differences.

Soooooooooo.........LOOKS, ATTRACTIVENESS, BEAUTY????? Who can really say if you should or should not focuss on it.......just dig deep within yourself, find what TRUELY pleases you then make adjustments (not necessarily compromises) to go along with each encounter.

[xlr8tr&A]

I feel like no one should have to apologize for being attracted or not attracted to someone based on looks. I think its only natural that we must have some visual reference with which to judge whether or not we would want to proceed with someone. I have many overweight friends and co-workers, but could not see ourselves involved sexually with them for that reason. When we first started talking about all this, I thought A (Female half) would want the chippendale looking 30 something guy, but found out that that wasn't the case at all after looking through the personals together. She is actually attracted to men that are older than myself, with much relief on my part. I don't think anyone wants to be compared, but there is a right to be attracted to whatever you're attracted to, with no apology necessary IMHO. After reading this thread though, I will say we probably wouldn't respond to an ad without a pic, just to avoid the situation you're in now. I would just be honest and tell them that there is no attraction.

[4funfriend]

People have to remember that everyone looks differant, and until you have talked to someone you really don't know what they look like. Case in point; when I was about 22 I started a job for a printing company. My first day I was introduced around to everyone and found myself highly attracted to a co-worker. A few days later I found myself having a conversation with him over lunch in which I realized that this man had a seriously twisted way of thinking. Still to this day I say that he was attractive physically but the ugliest person that I have ever met.


The hubby and I reciently passed up e-mailing a couple because of the picture that was posted in their ad,only later to meet them at a party. I really wish that we would have e-mailed them when we first had the chance. We get along with both of the people had a lot of fun, and are looking forward to seeing them again. Our attraction to them did not start until after we had met them in person, and found out who they really are as people.
I think that if you are looking just for a one night stand type of swinging lifestyle then go only by the picture. If you are looking for friends that you can play with, or just sit and talk to then don't just go by the picture.

[sexyRus_inMass]

I have a really hard time when I feel like I am going to hurt someone's feelings and I will go out of my way not to do that. But I usually end up suffering in some way because of it.

You don't need to be blunt, just be honest. There isn't enough chemistry for you to have a sexual relationship, enough said.

I believe in chemistry, that's erotic to me - the sexual charge you get when you lock eyes with that certain someone. It has to be there. That's one reason I don't like personals, you can't easily tell if there's chemistry when you're sitting at your puter feeling up your keyboard. You can see a picture of someone and think they are hot, then meet them in person and ...pppffsst - nope nothing there.

Just think, if people weren't so picky then the whole world would be one big swing party - haha!

[wrnakedru]

There is no denying the need for physical attraction for success in physical activity. That said, it also should be added that mental attraction can often serve to provide blindness to physical imperfection.

There was something in the verbiage provided on their profile that attracted you to these folks. Photographs provide a captured moment that cannot possibly convey the multi-dimensional person it represents. You would think folks would choose photos that present themselves in the most flattering possible way - - and therefore they may not be as "good" as their photos. BUT some folks simply do not photograph in a becoming fashion, while others look far better than they do in person.

I think if your geographic proximity easily allows for a social, no obligation meeting for dinner or drinks - you should do so. If it is understood by all going in this is strictly a "no play" situation, you have the opportunity to get to know them in person. If your feelings regarding attraction remain the same after that, your use of the phrase "no chemistry" will leave them with their feelings in tact. It is hard for anyone to argue with the "no chemistry" reasoning - - and it is possible to remain social buddies with them if they are among those who seek friends as well as intimacy partners.

For us, not all of our friends are possible intimacy partners. But for sure, any and all intimacy partners are also our friends - first and foremost.

[NorCal Nites]

Originally posted by CoupleOfC's
Why do so many people seem to have so much of a problem with this, and what's the boards opinion of it in general? How important are "looks" to you in prospective playmates?

OH MY GOSH... we've JUST encountered the SAME situation! It's not that the people that we've contacted ended up being butt-ugly or anything, it's that one of the members of the couple reminds us of someone very nasty and awful that we went to school with, and it's just NOT something that we want to be bringing back to memory at ANY time... you know?

It's not that peoples' looks are relevant, it is the attraction level that is there. If there is no attraction, then there is NO attraction, and it's tough to tell someone that, because then they automatically think "I'm too ugly for you."

It's rough, but we've had to tell this couple that although their personalities were fabulous, and they are nice looking, that the attraction, due to past history with someone that we know, just isn't there.

Although this may sound bad, we've also had to tell the couple that it's because she looks too much like one of my half-sisters and I'd just feel uncomfortable with it because the woman in the couple kept hounding us for a better reason.

It made them understand a little better where we were coming from, rather than just saying "hey, you remind me of this nasty girl I knew once upon a time".

Damn... I HATE that situation. Grrrr