Politely declining

ArcaneReference · 06-29-2003, 08:00 PM

I was approached earlier this week by a couple whose company I enjoy on a very casual basis, but I was unaware they were in the lifestyle until now.

They are both fabulously articulate, intelligent people, but much as I enjoy conversations with them, neither my husband nor I are interested at all, in a large part because they are heavy smokers.

Any suggestions for politely declining without hurting a nice casual friendship?

OhioCouple · 06-29-2003, 08:31 PM

While we have never been in this postion, my suggestion would be just as casual as you have always been with the recognition now that you share common interests. Ya know, like "Isn't it great? It is nice to know we have this in common!" Then lead the conversation to something besides getting together with them. Maybe talking about the joys and pit falls of swinging. I think in this way you can be tactful, without being blunt about your no interest and they will probably pick up on it.

Good luck and keep us informed.

J & K · 07-01-2003, 05:09 PM

They are both fabulously articulate, intelligent people, but much as I enjoy conversations with them, neither my husband nor I are interested at all, in a large part because they are heavy smokers.

Since they are friends and non-sexual ones just leave it that way. Now if smoking is the only reason then present that to them in a tactfull way. Say we love to swing with you, but smokers breath really turns us off. Ask if they would have a problem holding the habit while around you or bring a BIG PAK of gum----lol.

We always look at people in an open way dealing with their habits. I "J" chew tabacco, but never around company or at a swing club. I feel my bad habit shouldn't be seen with folks I might like to play with. Oh---I have withdrawels, but keep busy chatting. I think if a cpl that smokes and wants to play or meet a non-smoker cpl to respect not doing it while time spent together. We have one cpl who the male half smokes and he can't go 30 minutes without having one. He leaves the room and comes back chewing gum (only helps a little). We rather have him not smoke at all while around us period, but accept he has a habit like myself. We have told him his smoking is a turn off for the mrs and he respects that to some degree.

I think they should buy the patch just to use for that one night to curb the craving---lol.

Anyways---be honest if need be and see if they respect your wishes. If they can't in that dept. what says they won't in other things.----GOOD LUCK!!!

ArcaneReference · 07-01-2003, 06:51 PM

I have actually gone with Mrs. O on this one - I ran into them today at the coffee shop and did the "great - we have something else in common" then changed the subject to the Olympic bid. Tactful, by omission.

OhioCouple · 07-01-2003, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ArcaneReference
I ran into them today at the coffee shop and did the "great - we have something else in common" then changed the subject to the Olympic bid. Tactful, by omission.

How did it work out? Did it feel comfortable? (not including the part leading up to changing the subject.) Did they try to continue to talk about swinging or just willfully join in on the new topic? Don't leave us hanging!

ArcaneReference · 07-05-2003, 07:05 PM

Ohio, to clarify a bit.

Coffee, chat, chat. they kept subtly bringing up swinging, which I acknowledged and kept shuffling the conversation back to other things. I think it was polite enough.

And as a note to J&K, it is not just smokers' breath which is a turn off [to me]. If someone smokes, you can smell the chemicals from their pores, in their hair, etc. It goes way beyond gum.

It's like, if you don't drink, or are dry for a couple weeks and your lover has had a couple, you can taste it in her/his sweat, breath, cum, etc. Same with tobacco or pot. Just really doesn't do it for me at all.

vevaycple · 07-06-2003, 08:27 AM

This could be a difficult one. Smoker, especially heavy smokers tend to be very defensive when confronted with the smoking issue. You are doing the right thing keeping the conversations something other than swinging. Hopefully, as the relationship develops, and you don't show any interst in swinging with them, by just not bringing it up, that it might just be a good non swing kind of relationship. Good luck and keep us posted.

naughty A · 07-06-2003, 08:55 AM

Sympathies - Arcane...

I generally try to make sure everyone knows of my "allergy" to cigarettes early on.

Unfortunately - it just removes them from the possible playing field - too bad.

tinceltoes · 07-06-2003, 12:56 PM

We have been in the same situation with smokers. Wife has allergies but we have as of yet told our couples about the issue in smoking around us. Most of them respected us right at first that we did not smoke and they either waited until we all took a break or they chewed on gum.

wrnakedru · 07-06-2003, 02:53 PM

Hubby and I are both smokers, he far heavier than I. I could without a problem go without for an evening, or longer. He would not be happy to even have it requested of him to do so.

So when we are contacted by someone who has read our profile and is expressing an interest, and we note they are not smokers, we make sure they did see that in our profile. Sometimes it has been missed, and is enough of an issue to be a "deal breaker".
Other times it wasn't missed, but their response is they felt it could be worked around. (If both weren't involved in writing this to us, it sometimes is not true.)

It is just not something we desire to have constant attention drawn to; i.e. the number of times we may excuse ourselves to have a cigarette. So many public venues are now non-smoking, that the accommodation to a smoker may be more of a pain than a non-smoker realizes, even though they may be okay with the smoking itself.

We suppose because we always consider our smoking to be an issue to non-smokers, we are surprised at the smokers who do not. As a result, when we do a "search", we include the desire for one to be a smoker. We just feel it is more comfortable for all of us. We regret the great number of folks this elimates for us. And hope that one day we will join the now majority of non-smokers.

I quit smoking for a 2 year period. My primary reason for resuming was my increasingly negative feelings toward my smoking spouse. I am therefore completely aware of the odor that resides in a smoker, whether they smoke in your presence or not - no matter how "considerate" about their smoking they may be.

I am surprised by any smoker not being fully cognizant as well. Perhaps neither has been smoke-free long enough to be aware of the issue.

naughty A · 07-06-2003, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by wrnakedru
I am surprised by any smoker not being fully cognizant as well. Perhaps neither has been smoke-free long enough to be aware of the issue.

Thank you for being so considerate about this issue.

As a non-smoker... I do try not to be offensive about it but it makes someone no matter how much I would otherwise be attracted to them beyond the limit.

You are exactly right... it isn't so much that they need to excuse themselves for a smoke break but that odor is a part of them that is not left behind regardless.

I wish that others were so conscious of it.

Naughty A.

MCityCpl · 07-11-2003, 02:43 PM

Whenever we go to a club, I try to tone it down as much as possible (damn nerves). Not that I smoke alot (1/2 pack at best), but I just think it's trying to be considerate. Thank God for nicotine gum

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06-29-2003, 08:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
ArcaneReference Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 157 Location: British Columbia Status: Couple	Politely declining I was approached earlier this week by a couple whose company I enjoy on a very casual basis, but I was unaware they were in the lifestyle until now. They are both fabulously articulate, intelligent people, but much as I enjoy conversations with them, neither my husband nor I are interested at all, in a large part because they are heavy smokers. Any suggestions for politely declining without hurting a nice casual friendship?

06-29-2003, 08:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
OhioCouple Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 6,619 Location: Ohio Status: Married Female	While we have never been in this postion, my suggestion would be just as casual as you have always been with the recognition now that you share common interests. Ya know, like "Isn't it great? It is nice to know we have this in common!" Then lead the conversation to something besides getting together with them. Maybe talking about the joys and pit falls of swinging. I think in this way you can be tactful, without being blunt about your no interest and they will probably pick up on it. Good luck and keep us informed.
	__________________ Remember that human beings are complicated creatures. We like our bedtime routines but dislike routine in our bed times. - Sallie Foley, M.S.W.

07-06-2003, 08:27 AM	#7 (permalink)
vevaycple Here to Stay Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 18 Location: Vevay IN. Status: couple	This could be a difficult one. Smoker, especially heavy smokers tend to be very defensive when confronted with the smoking issue. You are doing the right thing keeping the conversations something other than swinging. Hopefully, as the relationship develops, and you don't show any interst in swinging with them, by just not bringing it up, that it might just be a good non swing kind of relationship. Good luck and keep us posted.
	__________________ "We say grace and we say maam, if you aint into that we don't give a damn."

07-06-2003, 08:55 AM	#8 (permalink)
naughty A Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 997 Location: windsor ontario Status: couple - female half	Sympathies - Arcane... I generally try to make sure everyone knows of my "allergy" to cigarettes early on. Unfortunately - it just removes them from the possible playing field - too bad.
	__________________ The proper response to "Good morning" is not "Prove it!"

07-01-2003, 05:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
J & K Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 192 Location: Middle GA Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:OKC_CPL	They are both fabulously articulate, intelligent people, but much as I enjoy conversations with them, neither my husband nor I are interested at all, in a large part because they are heavy smokers. Since they are friends and non-sexual ones just leave it that way. Now if smoking is the only reason then present that to them in a tactfull way. Say we love to swing with you, but smokers breath really turns us off. Ask if they would have a problem holding the habit while around you or bring a BIG PAK of gum----lol. We always look at people in an open way dealing with their habits. I "J" chew tabacco, but never around company or at a swing club. I feel my bad habit shouldn't be seen with folks I might like to play with. Oh---I have withdrawels, but keep busy chatting. I think if a cpl that smokes and wants to play or meet a non-smoker cpl to respect not doing it while time spent together. We have one cpl who the male half smokes and he can't go 30 minutes without having one. He leaves the room and comes back chewing gum (only helps a little). We rather have him not smoke at all while around us period, but accept he has a habit like myself. We have told him his smoking is a turn off for the mrs and he respects that to some degree. I think they should buy the patch just to use for that one night to curb the craving---lol. Anyways---be honest if need be and see if they respect your wishes. If they can't in that dept. what says they won't in other things.----GOOD LUCK!!!

07-01-2003, 06:51 PM	#4 (permalink)
ArcaneReference Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 157 Location: British Columbia Status: Couple	I have actually gone with Mrs. O on this one - I ran into them today at the coffee shop and did the "great - we have something else in common" then changed the subject to the Olympic bid. Tactful, by omission.

07-05-2003, 07:05 PM	#6 (permalink)
ArcaneReference Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 157 Location: British Columbia Status: Couple	Ohio, to clarify a bit. Coffee, chat, chat. they kept subtly bringing up swinging, which I acknowledged and kept shuffling the conversation back to other things. I think it was polite enough. And as a note to J&K, it is not just smokers' breath which is a turn off [to me]. If someone smokes, you can smell the chemicals from their pores, in their hair, etc. It goes way beyond gum. It's like, if you don't drink, or are dry for a couple weeks and your lover has had a couple, you can taste it in her/his sweat, breath, cum, etc. Same with tobacco or pot. Just really doesn't do it for me at all.

07-06-2003, 12:56 PM	#9 (permalink)
tinceltoes Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 20 Location: Boston Status: Couple	RE: We have been in the same situation with smokers. Wife has allergies but we have as of yet told our couples about the issue in smoking around us. Most of them respected us right at first that we did not smoke and they either waited until we all took a break or they chewed on gum.

07-06-2003, 02:53 PM	#10 (permalink)
wrnakedru Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 1,989 Location: Bliss Status: Female	A word from the other side... Hubby and I are both smokers, he far heavier than I. I could without a problem go without for an evening, or longer. He would not be happy to even have it requested of him to do so. So when we are contacted by someone who has read our profile and is expressing an interest, and we note they are not smokers, we make sure they did see that in our profile. Sometimes it has been missed, and is enough of an issue to be a "deal breaker". Other times it wasn't missed, but their response is they felt it could be worked around. (If both weren't involved in writing this to us, it sometimes is not true.) It is just not something we desire to have constant attention drawn to; i.e. the number of times we may excuse ourselves to have a cigarette. So many public venues are now non-smoking, that the accommodation to a smoker may be more of a pain than a non-smoker realizes, even though they may be okay with the smoking itself. We suppose because we always consider our smoking to be an issue to non-smokers, we are surprised at the smokers who do not. As a result, when we do a "search", we include the desire for one to be a smoker. We just feel it is more comfortable for all of us. We regret the great number of folks this elimates for us. And hope that one day we will join the now majority of non-smokers. I quit smoking for a 2 year period. My primary reason for resuming was my increasingly negative feelings toward my smoking spouse. I am therefore completely aware of the odor that resides in a smoker, whether they smoke in your presence or not - no matter how "considerate" about their smoking they may be. I am surprised by any smoker not being fully cognizant as well. Perhaps neither has been smoke-free long enough to be aware of the issue.

07-11-2003, 02:43 PM	#12 (permalink)
MCityCpl Registered Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 9 Location: NWIndiana Status: Couple	Whenever we go to a club, I try to tone it down as much as possible (damn nerves). Not that I smoke alot (1/2 pack at best), but I just think it's trying to be considerate. Thank God for nicotine gum

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