When you're not interested...

[BradAndJanet]

When you're not interested, how do you tell someone? NaughtyA and I have been discussing this subject in our journals. In particular, what do you do in an online situation when someone answers your ad and you just don't have any attraction for them?

Is it better to give a reason, or no reason? How much information do you give the other party?

What have been your experiences, on either side of the fence?

-B

[Alura]

For us, the best bet is to say what's on your mind. While we wouldn't say something crude like, "You're just so damned ugly!" we would try to come as close to the real reason as possible.

We can usually take the blame for the problem. We recently were contacted by a very nice couple from not too far away, but out of state. They are very active in the lifestyle, a direction we don't want to take with the kids still here. In fact, we'll probably choose to continue as we always have, lots of play with very few other people, two if possible. We'd hope they live in Tulsa. After explaining this, we wished them luck and invited them to have lunch or dinner out with us should they happen to visit Tulsa.

All of this is very true and has nothing to do with them, only us. Noone should get hurt or angry.

Alura

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet
When you're not interested, how do you tell someone? NaughtyA and I have been discussing this subject in our journals. In particular, what do you do in an online situation when someone answers your ad and you just don't have any attraction for them?

Is it better to give a reason, or no reason? How much information do you give the other party?

We always respond in a kind manner and for the most part even though we are not interested we will find some point in their ad to compliment them on and then let them know that we are not interested for whatever reason, be it distance or their choice of sexual activities that they enjoy. For instance if someone is really into some heavy hard core sexual practices, we will tell them that we are still newbies and feel that we wouldn't be of interest to them. In other words putting the reason for turning them away on our own selves.

We don't see any point in saying something like "ARE YOU KIDDING ME....NOT IN THIS LIFETIME", just because we aren't attracted to them as there is someone for everyone and we don't need to be unkind and to wondering why the initiated contact to begin with.

On the flip side. We have only ever initiated contact with two ads. One worked out, the other didn't. In the case of the one that didn't they were polite to us and we accepted that graciously.

The largest problem we have is how to tell someone that you have previously met with or had sexual relations with....that you just wanna chalk it up to experience and not continue. To me that is a bigger problem.

Mrs. O

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet
When you're not interested, how do you tell someone? NaughtyA and I have been discussing this subject in our journals. In particular, what do you do in an online situation when someone answers your ad and you just don't have any attraction for them?

Is it better to give a reason, or no reason? How much information do you give the other party?

What have been your experiences, on either side of the fence?

-B

We've had to deliver this news several times to other people, and we simply state we don't feel there is a sexual compatability. And invariably that's the case, although for different reasons, which we never give. We feel that feelings can be hurt by giving specific reasons, so we refrain from doing so. The one exception was the occasion we turned down a couple where the male was significantly impared physically. We wanted to make sure they knew it had nothing to do with their personalities and disposition. Since we'd met them in person for a very enjoyable dinner, it was particularly difficult to decline a deeper relationship with them.

Our mothers were right, honesty is the best policy, and giving others false hope is needless and cruel.

Dan

[Alura]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
The largest problem we have is how to tell someone that you have previously met with or had sexual relations with....that you just wanna chalk it up to experience and not continue. To me that is a bigger problem.

Mrs. O

How about, "We've decided we've gotten more active in swinging than we originally wanted to. Therefore, we're going to take a break from swinging and have fewer contacts if and when we return to the sport."

Isn't that true of you and Gene at the moment or have we mis-read some of your posts?

Alura

[Brit_Pair]

We'd echo Canadian Couple. Be honest, but avoid specifics which might cause hurt. And always remember that being polite and courteous costs nothing, but means considerably more.

[naughty A]

Originally posted by BradAndJanet
When you're not interested, how do you tell someone? NaughtyA and I have been discussing this subject in our journals.

What have been your experiences, on either side of the fence?
-B

Sorry wasn't around to post on this earlier...

As much as NO THANKS is supposed to be sufficient, what if that particular question is never asked... don't you often get no response whatsoever and then assume it is "no thanks" but after how long?

How about when it happens in person and their reactions are both hot and cold? When what you want to ask is, am I wasting my time here? Can you ask that? Should you?

I have a couple that I've met in person several times and now I've lost her email address - I'm sure she assumes that I'm not interested which is not true but ... will have to wait until the next time I see them in person to straighten out.

My personal opinion is that some reason should be given... minimal, inoffensive - but wouldn't you rather hear something, anything, than leave them wondering what it was?

NO REASON inspires some pretty heated feelings in an online ad it might leave them wondering if YOU are the picture collector, or think you are too good for them or who knows, but you don't really want to burn bridges either, but you don't want to leave false hope?

Is this a swingers perpetual dilemma?

Naughty A.

[CanadianCouple]

Originally posted by naughty A


My personal opinion is that some reason should be given... minimal, inoffensive - but wouldn't you rather hear something, anything, than leave them wondering what it was?

Simply telling them you don't feel there is a sexual compatability IS a reason, in and of itself. Getting too specific can lead to hard feelings on the other end, even if they feel they want to know the details of why you said no.

Some people insist on asking pointed questions, then are upset when they get the answers.

Dan

[naughty A]

I feel that "sexual incompatability" IS a reason


and it still uses more words than "no thanks

[JustAskJulie]

Originally posted by Alura
How about, "We've decided we've gotten more active in swinging than we originally wanted to. Therefore, we're going to take a break from swinging and have fewer contacts if and when we return to the sport."

Alura

This only works if it's true. If you use this excuse and it's not true then what happens if you run into that person/couple at a party or a club?

[Handyman69]

Well.....John and I prefer honesty to the little white lie. As Julie stated ..you never know if you might meet them at a club.

We don't like to go into detail....details seem to bring up more problems.

Rhonda

[Alura]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
This only works if it's true. If you use this excuse and it's not true then what happens if you run into that person/couple at a party or a club?

Exactly right, Julie. My point was that it is (I believe) true of Lori & Gene and the truth is always better.

Mr. Alura

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by Alura
Isn't that true of you and Gene at the moment or have we mis-read some of your posts?

Alura, you are not mistaken. We are not currently swinging right now for many reasons, mostly due to the health of ailing parents. We haven't been swinging for about 3 months now for those reasons and our posts have reflected that in different threads.

So no....ya aren't crazy.....well then again maybe you are, I thought I saw a recent post from you regarding bananas......

Mrs. o

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by JustAskJulie
This only works if it's true. If you use this excuse and it's not true then what happens if you run into that person/couple at a party or a club?

I agree with this. When you choose to play in your hometown or you have met someone from an online paysite, you can't readily use that as an cheap excuse to bow out.

I don't like to hurt people's feelings and I can let them down gently if we haven't played with them. For me it is finding a way to tell them "never again" in a polite humane manner when they haven't really done anything 'that wrong'. Another reason that I have begun to reconsider the aspect of becoming friends with play partners.

However, (this is the confusing part to me) we have couples that we have talked to on a pretty regular basis for a year or better in which we haven't been able to co-ordinate schedules to meet, but I feel that if it ever went as far, we decided there was an attraction and we swung together, if it did not work out, I think letting them know (as they would have felt it too without a doubt) would be easy and that they would not take offense (nor would we if they told us) and we would continue to be friends.

Is this realistic? Or do you risk losing a swinging friendship if you swing with someone you have become rather intimate friends with in other aspects besides swinging? I don't know that I would want to take that risk as I value their friendship. I think that we have already made our share of mistakes (fairly simple in nature) but I don't particularly care to make any devestating ones.

Mrs. O