When They're Not Ready

WeMayTryIt · 10-01-2007, 11:19 PM

How do you all handle a situation where it's obvious that a couple you've met isn't ready? We've met a couple who each say they are ready but their spouse needs to buy into it, and there seems to be a severe lack of communication between them. What's the best way to bow out and encourage them to work on things without coming off wrong, since advice that's not asked for is generally unwelcome?

ShellyM · 10-01-2007, 11:40 PM

You say been nice knowing you, and find a couple that IS ready. There is nothing wrong with needing to go at the speed of the slowest member....but rule number one is you cannot EVER convince someone to swing. You just cannot do that. So the best thing for you to do with couples like you described is leave them alone and keep on looking. Trust experienced swingers.......if they are acting out now IMAGINE what is going to happen in the play room. So my advice: Find couples that already know that they both want to be here.
Shelly

Miss_Piggy · 10-01-2007, 11:46 PM

Just tell them that you're not ready to take that step with them - which is sort of true. You're not ready (nor will you probably ever want to be ready) to get involved with people who don't communicate well.

There probably isn't much you can do to improve their relationship and their communication skills. That sort of thing has to come from them.

WeMayTryIt · 10-02-2007, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShellyM

....but rule number one is you cannot EVER convince someone to swing

Indeed, we wouldn't even consider trying. One of the spouses asked us to try, and we nixed that idea. The best idea is probably to just say saionara. It's a shame, because they're a really cool couple, but we'll skip the drama.

***JustAskJulie*** · 10-02-2007, 12:16 AM

Is this the same couple and each half of the couple is saying the other half isn't ready? If so, it sounds like you are right and neither is really ready but is trying to use the other as an excuse. In which case, I'd say just move on and find another couple.

WeMayTryIt · 10-02-2007, 12:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Is this the same couple and each half of the couple is saying the other half isn't ready?

Yes, that's exactly what's happening. We don't like to totally write people off for good, but it sounds like that's what we need to do. We're just thinking back on when we were getting ready for our first experience--we had a few things to work through, and our first couple helped us over some speed bumps. Though each of us was definitely fully on board. Thanks for all the replies.

LikeMinds321 · 10-02-2007, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeMayTryIt

What's the best way to bow out and encourage them to work on things without coming off wrong, since advice that's not asked for is generally unwelcome?

Miss Piggy said it best. Just tell them you're not ready to move ahead with them, because it is the truth afterall. And you don't need to tell them why. They may ask you, I think new "unready" people have a tendency to ask this, so be prepared to handle their inquiry however you feel would be best.

LM

Lovethenights · 10-02-2007, 01:24 AM

Then again, if they asked you to proceed with them, you'd have an invitation to guide them and lead them into the "right way" to be participants in the lifestyle. You could go slowly, setting up situations that are not too tension packed and let them have lots and lots of time to talk to you and between themselves... You could end up being that mature couple who opens doors they never knew existed and would have never discovered by themselves.

Tia Vampire · 10-02-2007, 07:09 PM

If it was not for the patience of our first couple, we don't think that we would have made it this far in the life-style. Maybe you guys could give them that chance. Well too late since you already gave them the boot. Then again, we were both ready and willing to give it our all. That would make a big difference. Never mind, guess you guys did the right thing.

LOL_OMG · 10-02-2007, 07:40 PM

We have no problem taking our time with a couple that we like, but we also do not claim nor want to be marriage counselors. From what you describe 'lack of communication' doesn't sound like a strong enough phrase for that couple. If that happened to us we would probably come out and tell them they really need to talk to each other, which i'm thinking would solve things one way or the other.

Mr. Lol

WeMayTryIt · 10-02-2007, 09:19 PM

Thanks for the great replies everyone. We ended up kind of taking the middle ground. We told them we weren't comfortable getting together for sex and explained why, using a bit of our own experience as an example. We left it open and told them we would like to keep in touch. Haven't heard anything from them, but the ball's in their court so we'll see if anything becomes of it. If not, at least we feel good about the way we handled it.

Thanks again.

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10-01-2007, 11:19 PM	#1 (permalink)
WeMayTryIt Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 144 Location: NorthWest Status: Couple	When They're Not Ready How do you all handle a situation where it's obvious that a couple you've met isn't ready? We've met a couple who each say they are ready but their spouse needs to buy into it, and there seems to be a severe lack of communication between them. What's the best way to bow out and encourage them to work on things without coming off wrong, since advice that's not asked for is generally unwelcome?

10-01-2007, 11:40 PM	#2 (permalink)
ShellyM Jay's Bumper Buddy Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 2,299 Location: San Marcos, TEXAS Status: On the prowl for man meat Swing Lifestyle Name:lost_j1	Re: When They're Not Ready You say been nice knowing you, and find a couple that IS ready. There is nothing wrong with needing to go at the speed of the slowest member....but rule number one is you cannot EVER convince someone to swing. You just cannot do that. So the best thing for you to do with couples like you described is leave them alone and keep on looking. Trust experienced swingers.......if they are acting out now IMAGINE what is going to happen in the play room. So my advice: Find couples that already know that they both want to be here. Shelly
	__________________ Merry Christmas and a Ho Ho Ho Shelly

10-01-2007, 11:46 PM	#3 (permalink)
Miss_Piggy mildly abnormal Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 1,437 Location: Sometimes Canada Status: I'm with Kermit	Re: When They're Not Ready Just tell them that you're not ready to take that step with them - which is sort of true. You're not ready (nor will you probably ever want to be ready) to get involved with people who don't communicate well. There probably isn't much you can do to improve their relationship and their communication skills. That sort of thing has to come from them.
	__________________ I feel that a woman doesn't have to be called 'Ms.' in order to be a woman of her own making. I believe 'Miss' allows moi to be a woman, and my karate can get me anything else

10-02-2007, 12:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,245 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	Re: When They're Not Ready Is this the same couple and each half of the couple is saying the other half isn't ready? If so, it sounds like you are right and neither is really ready but is trying to use the other as an excuse. In which case, I'd say just move on and find another couple.

10-02-2007, 01:24 AM	#8 (permalink)
Lovethenights Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 103 Location: Central Texas Status: Couple	Re: When They're Not Ready Then again, if they asked you to proceed with them, you'd have an invitation to guide them and lead them into the "right way" to be participants in the lifestyle. You could go slowly, setting up situations that are not too tension packed and let them have lots and lots of time to talk to you and between themselves... You could end up being that mature couple who opens doors they never knew existed and would have never discovered by themselves.

10-02-2007, 07:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
Tia Vampire Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,059 Location: Florida Status: Single Female Swing Lifestyle Name:tiavampire	Re: When They're Not Ready If it was not for the patience of our first couple, we don't think that we would have made it this far in the life-style. Maybe you guys could give them that chance. Well too late since you already gave them the boot. Then again, we were both ready and willing to give it our all. That would make a big difference. Never mind, guess you guys did the right thing.

10-02-2007, 07:40 PM	#10 (permalink)
LOL_OMG Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,005 Location: where we're at Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:LOL_OMG	Re: When They're Not Ready We have no problem taking our time with a couple that we like, but we also do not claim nor want to be marriage counselors. From what you describe 'lack of communication' doesn't sound like a strong enough phrase for that couple. If that happened to us we would probably come out and tell them they really need to talk to each other, which i'm thinking would solve things one way or the other. Mr. Lol
	__________________ Somebody better go back and get a shitload of dimes!!!

10-02-2007, 09:19 PM	#11 (permalink)
WeMayTryIt Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 144 Location: NorthWest Status: Couple	Re: When They're Not Ready Thanks for the great replies everyone. We ended up kind of taking the middle ground. We told them we weren't comfortable getting together for sex and explained why, using a bit of our own experience as an example. We left it open and told them we would like to keep in touch. Haven't heard anything from them, but the ball's in their court so we'll see if anything becomes of it. If not, at least we feel good about the way we handled it. Thanks again.

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