How to tell others you're not interested in a nice way

[phishfan]

Hi all,

OK, I'm sure this has been addressed at some point and if it has, please direct me to the thread. But my DH and I are very new to the lifestyle, we're actually just getting started. We had a "date" with another couple this week and are hoping we'll get together again (probably will), but we're just eagerly awaiting our first experience.

So, in our quest to find new friends, how do we nicely tell another couple that we're really not interested in meeting them after seeing their pictures on sites like Swing Lifestyle? We have a couple of people that have reached out to us, we've viewed their profile, told them "OK, send more pictures", they do and we see them and even though their bodies looked OK, their faces aren't as attractive to us as we had hoped, kwim? I feel bad turning someone down and not meeting them just because I don't find them attractive. Do you meet them anyway and hope to be friends only, or is that leading them on? I told my DH that I don't necessarily not want to be friends with others I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to play with them.

TIA for the advice.

Mr. and Mrs. Phish

[LetsParty]

Good question, and yeah, it's probably been answered a zillion times, but I'm pretty new around here, too...

I sometimes take the approach to the tune of...

"Hey, those are great pics! Stephanie... those are some incredible pictures of you! Wow..!

However, I have to say that I passed along the pics of both you gusy to my partner, and unfortunately, she didn't quite feel the strong attraction that she so desires. She's so picky.... heck, we can go to a Lifestyle club.. there could be 30 couples there, and she will say to me, "I don't wanna see ANY of these guys naked!"... so, yeah, it's very tough.

In the past, if there was 'moderate chemistry' with the pictures, we would still meet and see where it goes. I have since learned that 99% of the time, it ends up in disappointment, because everyone meets, looking for excitement, and in the end... nada!

So, I think we'll have to move in our search. It's a shame, because really... those pictures are smokin'! But what can we do...? Thanks again... and if we ever bump into each other in a club.. say hi!! ... you never know what can happen!"


How's that?

[singleagain]

I've got the age of Paul and Robert, the charm of Sean and the looks of Jack. You know the last names, don't you? Sometimes I get replies of "UGH!" Other times its "OH MY!" and once in a while its "Lets Meet." For young folks I'm usually not physically appealing, but hey, I do understand...I used to be young too. For older folks who have learned that some things sag, some things wrinkle and some things don't get quite as hard...well there you go...maybe looks ain't everything when you've got viagra. Why heck, even Don with his attitude and ugly face gets lucky once in a while. You may miss out on the best time you ever had and you may find that if you go through with it you won't enjoy it at all. But if you choose not to be as adventurous as possible, well that's your choice. Good luck in your adventure no matter your limitations. Adventure is what the life style is all about anyway.

[Pepper & Drew]

If people have been in the lifestyle for a little while, it won't be the first time they've had someone tell them that they're not interested. Just tell them nicely that you don't think you're a match, but that you'd like to still be friends. Most people understand and take it well. Sometimes you have nuts that get an attitude, but that's more rare. You can learn how to turn people down nicely, or you'll spend a lot of nights at dinner with people who you know you aren't attracted to.

Pepper

[prettylady]

Originally Posted by LetsParty

"Hey, those are great pics! Stephanie... those are some incredible pictures of you! Wow..!

However, I have to say that I passed along the pics of both you gusy to my partner, and unfortunately, she didn't quite feel the strong attraction that she so desires.

Not meaning to be a big B.... here, but if Dog told a couple we could not meet because I didn't have an attraction to them but he found them Incredible I would be PISSED OFF. I may have read too much into your statement but it seems like passing the buck here.

If there is no chemistry just say so. Better to rip a bandage off then peel it. Like Pepper said, anyone who has been in the lifestyle for any length of time will understand, and new people will have to learn to accept it as well.

As mentioned earlier, give people a fair shake. Dog is a cutie, but can not take a picture to save his life. I love his blue eyes, but put a camera to his face and a look of fear comes across it.

If you like what they are all about in the bio, then there is something there worth persuing. You never know what could happen.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[2inVT]

I have to agree with the last two posters.

Don't give any reasons - Thanks, but we don't feel we'd be a match - or, we don't think we're compatible - is saying enough. You don't need a reason.

Pictures don't always show the reality of the person. We've met folks with fabulous photos who didn't look as attractive to us in person, and we've met folks with lousy photos who were fantastic in person.

We prefer to meet people face-to-face before deciding to play with them. That first meeting is not to play, just to see how everyone feels once we've met. No commitment, and after we get home we send an email either saying that we're interested in a play date, or that we don't feel that we're compatible.

[Sweet_Candy]

Once you've been on ad sites for a while you will probably have a standard reply for these times and here are two we use. We believe in honesty with others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

[GotBatteries?]

If you are going to ask for more pictures, that is going to kinda, sorta imply that you are interested.
I would be pissed off if someone asked for more pics and then....'Eh, I dont think we are compatable. Nice pics though. Glad you sent them to my private email! Now I can put you on my computer wallpaper and beat off to the image of your nekkid ass each and every morning! Yippppeeee!'
Joking. Sorta. Call me paranoid.
We wont encourage communications between another couple if we do not find the pictures they already have attractive. Seeing more of a body type or face type I am not interested in isnt going to suddenly make me interested. We usually try and go with something else though. No one really wants to hear that you find them physically unpealling so we might blend it in with:

'Thanks for your email! We did take some time to review your profile and although we can appreciate your creative photography-we really liked the picture with the <something!> we see that you are both into <insert something you arent interested in ever here>as well as <blah, blah> and unfortunatly, neither of us is really comfortable with that. Best of luck to you in your search!'

If their profile is incomplete, we just go with:
'We really have an appreciation for those who take the time and consideration to fill out their profile. We feel that if you are willing to take the time and consideration with the profile, you most likely will have time for considering us while nekkid-perhaps and unfair assesment, but thats just how we feel! '

[2jersey]

Originally Posted by GotBatteries?

If you are going to ask for more pictures, that is going to kinda, sorta imply that you are interested.
I would be pissed off if someone asked for more pics and then....'Eh, I dont think we are compatable. Nice pics though.

We won't meet anyone until we have seen (and approved) face photos. We won't, however, ask for face photos if we aren't attracted to the written profile, including public (non-face) photos. We are probably not unusual in this respect.

Unfortunately, this sometimes leaves us in the awkward position of having to reject people because of their facial appearance. And, due to the sequence of our actions, our primary reason may become obvious to the rejected party.

We have learned from experience that it is best to ask for face photos during the first e-mail exchange. Then, if we don't like their face photos, it won't be so obvious that we rejected them for this particular reason. This helps insulate their self esteem.

Like most people, our rejection notes usually make reference to insufficient compatibility - always with a polite/respectful tone.

[confunktion]

Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy

Once you've been on ad sites for a while you will probably have a standard reply for these times and here are two we use. We believe in honesty with others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

I like these a lot. They are very respectful and diplomatic, and they should do the trick without causing unnecessary damage. Best of luck!

Mr. Funk
Official US Diplomat to Funkytown

[ShellyM]

We are currently learning the same lesson then lol..... to me, the best way is honesty. You can be honest and not mean, if you use tact. We just told this couple that we think they are wonderful people, and as far as friendship goes we think they are great. However, sexually we are not compatible, and thats okay! Not everyone is a match.

[Pepper & Drew]

As a friend of ours says, swinging's like the lottery: they can't ALL be winners. It's very true....

Pepper

[Amanda69]

OK, their faces aren't as attractive to us as we had hoped, kwim? I feel bad turning someone down and not meeting them just because I don't find them attractive. Do you meet them anyway and hope to be friends only, or is that leading them on? I told my DH that I don't necessarily not want to be friends with others I'm not attracted to, but I don't want to play with them.

Now unless they were completely out of any realm of attraction I would still meet with them in person. WHY? you might ask. Simply because not everyone is as attractive in a picture as they are in person. It is the personality that can make or break an attraction. I have met more than a few people who looked great in their pic but as soon as they opened their mouths...well to say the least I had no further interest.

If you do still do want to tell them you aren't interested, do so quickly, honestly and say sorry we just aren't attracted physically.

If they have been around for awhile they will know not everyone will be interested in them physically, we all have our preferences. But if you attempt to bullshit your way out of it, keep in mind, they know you just got their pics and they will know your change of mind is because you aren't interested physically. So why not be honest, it goes a long way.

[LetsParty]

Originally Posted by Sweet_Candy

Thanks for the interest. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

Excellent!!

How about:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"ALL THOSE WHO WILL BE HAVING SEX WITH ME AND MY WIFE, PLEASE STEP FORWARD.........!!!!!!



...........NOT SO FAST, [______]!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[2inVT]

Amanda, I agree.

We meet face-to-face with the understanding that the first time, it's to see how we ALL feel about getting together. We make it clear that we all need to go home and make that decision. That way, there's no pressure, and no fear that at the end of the evening, one couple is going to be all "Wooohooo, when shall we party," with the other couple standing there with an "Oh shit now we have to turn them down in person" look on their faces.