How Do You Tell Them? Incompatible Sexual Styles

Magnolia · 12-09-2002, 11:21 PM

How do you handle telling a couple that you've swung with that your sexual styles are incompatible? But that you'd like to continue the relationship outside of the bedroom only. Should we end it completly or is it possible to remain friends?

Magnolia

DragonsLair · 12-10-2002, 07:34 AM

Magnolia,

This is a very tricky situation. When a persons ego is called into play, anything can happen. I would recommend talking to them very nicely. Like after you've spent time with them doing something you all enjoy. Stress the enjoyable activities you've participated in with them, outside of the bedroom. How important their friendship is to you. When you tell them you don't think your sexual styles are compatible, be as nice and gentle as possible. There's bound to be some hurt feelings. No one wants to be told they're not good in bed. So be sure to word it so that that isn't the impression received.

Understand, they might choose to end the friendship. Their egos will be bruised. But try to make them understand that not everyone is compatible. When dating, we all encountered people we weren't sexually compatible with. Why would swinging be any different?

If you are in this situation, best of luck. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be stressful for all concerned. But being sexually incompatible with another couple shouldn't have to mean the end of a friendship outside of the bedroom.

Hope this helped.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

ciscosv · 12-10-2002, 05:26 PM

My wife and I are not 100% compatible when it comes to shaggin. I prefer to be a little more gentle and slow 75% of the session. She would like it rough and be tossed around a bit. Thats why I would let her do another man when she is comfortable to do so. Just so I can see her get fulfilled that way.

As for your situation. Just tell them that you really enjoy their company but you have decided to take a break from the sexual aspect.

100% honesty may end the relationship as DragonsLair cautioned. Good luck!

RnKin Fla · 12-10-2002, 05:37 PM

Dragons Lair is absolutely right. And I have to say, that from my perspective honesty (although not brutal honesty) is the way to approach this.

If you tell them you need a "break," this will just give them false hope. And in the end will make them angrier than being honest up front, I think.

Good luck! This is a hard situation to be in!

K

DragonsLair · 12-14-2002, 04:54 PM

Magnolia,

Even though curiousity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back. What did you decide to do about the couple in your post? I hope things went well for you.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

Flori_DAMAN · 12-15-2002, 09:16 AM

I have been on both sides of that fence and it is a tuffy. Usually you don't really have a lot of experiences together outside of swinging if thats how you met them, so it shouldn't be a real issue to break off the relationship.

Now, if they are indeed close friends, I mean they come to the house and have bar b Q's, know the kids and go to weddings and funerals with you then its a real issue. But if you just met them swinging and they don't blow your skirt up so to speak I'd think it would be better to just move on rather than have an awkward friendship....ya know? John.

Magnolia · 12-17-2002, 11:45 PM

Thank you for all of your kind suggestions.

We chickened out. It turns out is was the lady of the other halfs birthday and we didn't want to spoil the mood. As it was a dinner only meet, we didn't have to worry about being in a sexual situation that night, but now we feel even worse for pretending like everything was just fine.

Magnolia

Flori_DAMAN · 12-18-2002, 09:54 AM

Spoiling her birthday would have been mean and depending on her personality type, unforgettable, you did the right thing there.

What IS the problem anyhow? If I may ask? Is it their appearance, or how they "do it"? Just curious...but I wouldn't feel bad about not telling a gal on her birthday that her 'sexual style" wasn't tuned up......when did you notice this also? I am wondering how long you have been swinging with these people. I have seen many couples simply lose interest in each other after a while....its really not that unusual. It's nothing like being married to them...or even "going steady", pardon me if that sounds sarcastic, because it is not meant to be.

John.

Magnolia · 12-19-2002, 01:24 AM

We met this couple several months ago and talked both on line and by phone. We had two dinner only dates with them, which went okay, although I felt the male half of the other party was getting a little too aggressive. Any way we made plans and met for an afternoon outing, dinner and then to a motel for getting more intimate. The room was an oversized one and had a jacuzzi which would accomodate all of us.

All was fine until my husband and the female half left the tub to do a little play on the bed. The male half just started making me feel creepy from the get go. He became extremely aggressive and, well I don't really know how to explain it. He wasn't hurting me or anything like that he just was treating me more like I was his wife as opposed to a sexual partner. See even that doesn't make sense.

To make a long story shorter, I suggested that we leave the tub and join with the others. All was fine for a bit, but then they went back to the tub and we were alone again. He started saying and doing things that I just felt were inappropriate. It is my own fault as my husband was right there and we could have called a halt to immediately if I would have said something. But I didn't. Later after they left my husband told me that he sensed something odd about both of them. Seems as though the female half is probably only doing it for her husband. He had no fun with her sexually, try as he did. It was then that I explained to him how I felt.

The male half of this couple is constantly asking when we are going to get together again. Blah, blah, blah. Our intentions were to tell them this night out at dinner and then that fell through. We did have a pre set plan that made it so I would not be sitting next to the male half for dinner, nor would I be left in a situation alone with him.

I suppose or dilema is now, do we just email them or is it better to do it in person? I am not looking forward to meeting with them again just to say we don't think we are compatible.

Magnolia

RnKin Fla · 12-19-2002, 08:30 AM

Magnolia,

The thing to remember here is that you don't owe this couple anything. Your comfort and your relationship with your husband are the two most important things.

If this couple were friends that you had known for a long time, I'd say that you should not tell them by e-mail, but since you haven't known them all that long and because the husband is creepy, I'd advise telling them by e-mail.

The thing to note here is that if you try and maintain a relationship with these people, the husband will probably continue to be aggressive and try to get you two back into a sexual situation. It is better to break it off entirely.

I am sorry this guy turned out to be such a lout.

Have you two had any other swinging experiences? If not, don't let this isolated incident ruin the lifestyle for you!

K

***JustAskJulie*** · 12-19-2002, 12:34 PM

What I'm gathering is that he is just trying to be too intimate with you?

From what you describe I would have to agree with the recent opinions that you would be better off to break it off entirely than to try to maintain a "friends only" status. Doing that would only lead to an uncomfortable friendship and most likely he would continue to hope for more and push for it, making things even more uncomfortable.

WesternSwing · 04-19-2004, 04:25 PM

I think the trick would to not let them believe that they are bad in bed, but rather that their style of sex doesn't match yours. I don't think I'd be offended if someone put it to me like that.

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12-09-2002, 11:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Magnolia Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 17 Location: USA	How Do You Tell Them? Incompatible Sexual Styles How do you handle telling a couple that you've swung with that your sexual styles are incompatible? But that you'd like to continue the relationship outside of the bedroom only. Should we end it completly or is it possible to remain friends? Magnolia

12-10-2002, 05:26 PM	#3 (permalink)
ciscosv Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 755 Location: Redford, Michigan Status: Married Couple	My wife and I are not 100% compatible when it comes to shaggin. I prefer to be a little more gentle and slow 75% of the session. She would like it rough and be tossed around a bit. Thats why I would let her do another man when she is comfortable to do so. Just so I can see her get fulfilled that way. As for your situation. Just tell them that you really enjoy their company but you have decided to take a break from the sexual aspect. 100% honesty may end the relationship as DragonsLair cautioned. Good luck!
	__________________ M&M Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

12-10-2002, 05:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
RnKin Fla Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 201 Location: North Florida Status: Couple	Dragons Lair is absolutely right. And I have to say, that from my perspective honesty (although not brutal honesty) is the way to approach this. If you tell them you need a "break," this will just give them false hope. And in the end will make them angrier than being honest up front, I think. Good luck! This is a hard situation to be in! K
	__________________ We like to do things a little differently...

12-19-2002, 08:30 AM	#10 (permalink)
RnKin Fla Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 201 Location: North Florida Status: Couple	Magnolia, The thing to remember here is that you don't owe this couple anything. Your comfort and your relationship with your husband are the two most important things. If this couple were friends that you had known for a long time, I'd say that you should not tell them by e-mail, but since you haven't known them all that long and because the husband is creepy, I'd advise telling them by e-mail. The thing to note here is that if you try and maintain a relationship with these people, the husband will probably continue to be aggressive and try to get you two back into a sexual situation. It is better to break it off entirely. I am sorry this guy turned out to be such a lout. Have you two had any other swinging experiences? If not, don't let this isolated incident ruin the lifestyle for you! K
	__________________ We like to do things a little differently...

12-10-2002, 07:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
DragonsLair Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 1,020 Location: Cleveland, OH Status: Married Couple	Magnolia, This is a very tricky situation. When a persons ego is called into play, anything can happen. I would recommend talking to them very nicely. Like after you've spent time with them doing something you all enjoy. Stress the enjoyable activities you've participated in with them, outside of the bedroom. How important their friendship is to you. When you tell them you don't think your sexual styles are compatible, be as nice and gentle as possible. There's bound to be some hurt feelings. No one wants to be told they're not good in bed. So be sure to word it so that that isn't the impression received. Understand, they might choose to end the friendship. Their egos will be bruised. But try to make them understand that not everyone is compatible. When dating, we all encountered people we weren't sexually compatible with. Why would swinging be any different? If you are in this situation, best of luck. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be stressful for all concerned. But being sexually incompatible with another couple shouldn't have to mean the end of a friendship outside of the bedroom. Hope this helped. DragonsLair He is T. I am A.

12-14-2002, 04:54 PM	#5 (permalink)
DragonsLair Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 1,020 Location: Cleveland, OH Status: Married Couple	Magnolia, Even though curiousity killed the cat, satisfaction brought it back. What did you decide to do about the couple in your post? I hope things went well for you. DragonsLair He is T. I am A.

12-15-2002, 09:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	I have been on both sides of that fence and it is a tuffy. Usually you don't really have a lot of experiences together outside of swinging if thats how you met them, so it shouldn't be a real issue to break off the relationship. Now, if they are indeed close friends, I mean they come to the house and have bar b Q's, know the kids and go to weddings and funerals with you then its a real issue. But if you just met them swinging and they don't blow your skirt up so to speak I'd think it would be better to just move on rather than have an awkward friendship....ya know? John.

12-17-2002, 11:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
Magnolia Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 17 Location: USA	Thank you for all of your kind suggestions. We chickened out. It turns out is was the lady of the other halfs birthday and we didn't want to spoil the mood. As it was a dinner only meet, we didn't have to worry about being in a sexual situation that night, but now we feel even worse for pretending like everything was just fine. Magnolia

12-18-2002, 09:54 AM	#8 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	Spoiling her birthday would have been mean and depending on her personality type, unforgettable, you did the right thing there. What IS the problem anyhow? If I may ask? Is it their appearance, or how they "do it"? Just curious...but I wouldn't feel bad about not telling a gal on her birthday that her 'sexual style" wasn't tuned up......when did you notice this also? I am wondering how long you have been swinging with these people. I have seen many couples simply lose interest in each other after a while....its really not that unusual. It's nothing like being married to them...or even "going steady", pardon me if that sounds sarcastic, because it is not meant to be. John.

12-19-2002, 01:24 AM	#9 (permalink)
Magnolia Active Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 17 Location: USA	We met this couple several months ago and talked both on line and by phone. We had two dinner only dates with them, which went okay, although I felt the male half of the other party was getting a little too aggressive. Any way we made plans and met for an afternoon outing, dinner and then to a motel for getting more intimate. The room was an oversized one and had a jacuzzi which would accomodate all of us. All was fine until my husband and the female half left the tub to do a little play on the bed. The male half just started making me feel creepy from the get go. He became extremely aggressive and, well I don't really know how to explain it. He wasn't hurting me or anything like that he just was treating me more like I was his wife as opposed to a sexual partner. See even that doesn't make sense. To make a long story shorter, I suggested that we leave the tub and join with the others. All was fine for a bit, but then they went back to the tub and we were alone again. He started saying and doing things that I just felt were inappropriate. It is my own fault as my husband was right there and we could have called a halt to immediately if I would have said something. But I didn't. Later after they left my husband told me that he sensed something odd about both of them. Seems as though the female half is probably only doing it for her husband. He had no fun with her sexually, try as he did. It was then that I explained to him how I felt. The male half of this couple is constantly asking when we are going to get together again. Blah, blah, blah. Our intentions were to tell them this night out at dinner and then that fell through. We did have a pre set plan that made it so I would not be sitting next to the male half for dinner, nor would I be left in a situation alone with him. I suppose or dilema is now, do we just email them or is it better to do it in person? I am not looking forward to meeting with them again just to say we don't think we are compatible. Magnolia

12-19-2002, 12:34 PM	#11 (permalink)
*JustAskJulie* Your Hostess Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 29,245 Location: In my House Status: Female Swing Lifestyle Name:swingersboard	What I'm gathering is that he is just trying to be too intimate with you? From what you describe I would have to agree with the recent opinions that you would be better off to break it off entirely than to try to maintain a "friends only" status. Doing that would only lead to an uncomfortable friendship and most likely he would continue to hope for more and push for it, making things even more uncomfortable.
	__________________ Julie - your hostess The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

04-19-2004, 04:25 PM	#12 (permalink)
WesternSwing South of disorder Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 2,973 Location: Utah Status: Single Male	I think the trick would to not let them believe that they are bad in bed, but rather that their style of sex doesn't match yours. I don't think I'd be offended if someone put it to me like that.
	__________________ "Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are." ~ Anna Freud

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