Only interested as friends

[blinkey]

Hi, we are are new to this lifestyle, and are looking for "friends with benefits". Last night we got together with a couple in a getting-to-know-you sort of way--no play. We really hit it off as friends, but the sexual attraction simply wasn't there (at least on our side). Thus they would be "just friends" and not have the "benefits."

We don't really have time to add a lot more "non-play" friends, or they'll compete for what little time we have in our search for "play" friends. But on the other hand, finding any friend is a wonderful thing in itself, and it seems such a sad shame to lose them because we don't want to play.

Claiming that we're keeping them as a friend but never actually seeing them because we're off meeting other people isn't really being a friend. Thus we much choose how to spend the extremely limited time we have, and it seems we must make a difficult choice.

Does this kind of situation come up often? How do you handle it? Let them go and wish them the best? In my gut that seems the correct answer, but it also feels wrong because it's "not being nice."

Thanks!

B.

[fun4Ds]

some times its best to be direct. we had one cpl that was interested in us lead a little while and then gave us the ( we feel we are not compatible at this time) for us no harm done we know how it goes. at least they didnt wast our time either.in this lifestyle its harder than you think to find a situation where all 4 people are compatible.be honest with them.

[Pepper & Drew]

Yep, just go ahead and tell them that you like them as friends, but there's not a sexual connection there. Now, being honest doesn't mean that you have to tell EXACTLY why there's no attraction, just that dinner and drinks are cool, but that's as far as it's going to go. What really would be not nice would be to not say that you weren't interested sexually and let them spend a lot of time on you, when you know there's no way it's going to happen. Their free time is probably just as important to them as yours is to you.

Pepper

[blinkey]

Hi, I appreciate the responses so far, but based on what they say it seems my question is not being understood. Thus, it must be worded poorly, and for that I apologise.

We have NEVER considered stringing them along. In fact, we have full intention of telling them we're not interested sexually, and quickly. That has never been in question.

What I'm trying to decide is what we should do AFTER telling them that: should we still try to be "normal" friends with them, since it seems a budding friendship is in progress, or should we sever all ties and just move on?

We think they would be terriffic "non-play" friends and we like them a lot, but we're not sure we have the time for more regular friends while we're still searching for sexually compatible friends too.

Thanks again,

B.

[lovedoctor]

Tell them that while you think they are really cool people that you think the "spark of attraction" needed for swinging with them is not there. Period.

[in4alook]

Originally Posted by blinkey

What I'm trying to decide is what we should do AFTER telling them that: should we still try to be "normal" friends with them, since it seems a budding friendship is in progress, or should we sever all ties and just move on?

We think they would be terriffic "non-play" friends and we like them a lot, but we're not sure we have the time for more regular friends while we're still searching for sexually compatible friends too.

So if you really like them as non play friends keep them as such. Don't put so much pressure on the situation and play it by ear. You might find you have more time than you thought you would.

[BiloxiCouple]

To be blunt -

After one meeting I wouldn't consider myself friends with anyone. I count the number of friends from my life on one hand. I have alot of people I work with. Go out with. Get along with. Maybe it is my best friends on one hand.

Also you mention your time is limited. So move on to what is important to you. If you have a budding friendship then it will happen.

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by blinkey

We think they would be terriffic "non-play" friends and we like them a lot, but we're not sure we have the time for more regular friends while we're still searching for sexually compatible friends too.

Has it not occured to you that they may not have time for "regular friends" while they're looking for "sexually compatible friends" too?

I don't think you need to worry about how to have a "friendship" with them after you've told them you don't find them attractive. That problem will take care of itself, I'm sure.

FWIW...You mentioned that you were "new to the lifestyle." The first couple we were ever with were people for whom we didn't feel an immediate attraction either. (20 years difference in our ages, both were heavy-set, etc.) But they were the most fun people we ever knew. We eventually went on vacations with them, cruises, nude resorts, just all kinds of things. We're still friends with them for going on 10 years now.

On the other hand, the most attractive couple we were ever with...a couple so stunning that we would never have approached them first, turned out to be hands-down the biggest duds outside of the bedroom. When they (especially her) walked into a room, heads would turn and jaws would drop. Both were well-educated, but when it came to personality, they were flat-liners. It was such a shame...we tried SO hard to find something to like about them besides their bodies, but it just wasn't there.

I've read that one of the things that sets a truly remarkable lover apart from all the rest is their ability to find something sexy in just about everybody they're with.

It's just a thought, that's all...

[fun4Ds]

i guess it a decision you are going to have to make.think of the what ifs. give it some thought. will they want to be friends after no sex? what if your havin a cook out with vanilla friends around, can they keep things under the hat and behave in front of family? maby you can go to a house party or a club and they are compatible with others there.still be honest as you would want done to you, tell them no sex . that couple that we were refering to came back later and wanted to hook up.it dosent bother us because of the first rejection. they had limited time to look for that elusive bi female at the time.but we will be seeing them at a club soon in indy. im shur we will be polite who knows?

[blinkey]

Thanks everyone. This is great feedback!

To answer a few questions:

1) a friend takes time to develop, true, and it's too soon to say they're real friends yet, but the way things clicked it has the underpinnings of what normal friendly encounters have.

2) it did occur to us that they might not be interested in remaining as platonic friends, but they've indicated a few times that they wouldn't mind just hanging out, etc.

3) [for JnCC] as for their available time, they indicated they have "nothing, nothing at all" on their schedules. We wouldn't have felt a dilemma if it seemed that they would just move on, but true, it is our own perception and they may do just that anyway, but our perception wasn't formed without context.

We decided the best way to go is to tell them we're not interested sexually, and if they would like we can remain friends, but if they're not interested we will understand. It will work itself out.

Thanks, all!
B.

[EvilMJ]

I think people can often make too much of a situation. You said it yourself that they suggested that they would like to hang out sometimes as friends. I say treat them like friends and if the subject of playing together comes up then be honest with them.

I have lots of friends in the lifestyle that I don't play with. I have friends that I have played with but for what ever reason don't play with any more, and I have friends that I do play with .....nice little mix of everything. Just be honest and they will decide if they want to continue on as friends or move on to something else.