What is the best way to say no?

[FloridaFlirt]

We (my BF and I) have had experiences over our swinging "career" with people not being honest with us. I would rather someone be straightforward and say "Thanks but no thanks" rather than lead us on.

Recently a couple we have been with has said they are too busy to see us again, yet there is evidence that they are going onto the personals site we have met them on. They post on the forum about meeting with other couples during the time they couldn't meet with us. Now WHY couldn't they just say "Thanks but we don't want to continue?"

It's crap like that that makes me want to leave the lifestyle.....

[Spoomonkey]

Being honest is hard...

I think we have all been at that place where you want to deliver the blow with a pillow instead of a two-by-four. You are 100% correct, though. Honesty is the best policy. It makes things clean - if sometimes painful. It leaves no ambiguity...

That said - it isn't always going to happen... Realistically, you are going get "we are too busy" far more often than you are going to get "we just aren't into you." You have to learn to shrug it off and move on.

After all - swinging is about you, not them. Don't let them ruin your experience with it.

Spoomonkey

[txduo2000]

I hope we get more replies to this one. Mr. Spoo's was (I'm quite sure) right on target, but as I am a very empathetic and non-confrontational person, I am really seeking the kindest, gentlest manner in which to convey lack of interest.

[Jamie&Kieth]

I kind of attribute this to rookie swingers ... hell veteren swingers too ... like 6th - 8th grade boy meets girl girl meets boy and the related clicks that go with it.

Although it is rude & mean it seems it is part of human nature.

Be honest with yourself and be happy.

If you are really are into the swinging thing then keep gpoing, just have patience. Remember for some even though they are in their 20's/30's it is high school all over again.

D not over analyze people or you will go NUTS (looney bin)

[BorisNatasha]

Haven't had to do this yet in a swinging situation, but it shouldn't be too different than letting someone down easy in any other part of life, eh? Give them a compliment, don't give the reason for breaking it off as a put-down in any way, but don't leave any ambiguity that you're done with them. If done properly, everyone will still be able to say hi to each other when you pass in the clubs!

Boris

[WesternSwing]

People are wierd. Don't let them color your picture of most swingers. We have met some of the best people in the lifestyle.

Mr. WS

[DBL D]

I'm not on any sites that show that a couple has been sending mail to anyone else. Just because you log on doesn't mean that you are looking. For example: We find it's always fun to look through ads, and when we're involved with a couple we don't have lots of time to do that. We are pretty honest types, or so we've been told. We usually will just tell them we think they are a fabulous couple, but not what we're looking for right now. That is the truth.

I don't think we've ever blown someone off with the "too busy" excuse/reason.

[lindyswing]

My partner and I are on the other side of this. If they're like us, they aren't being dishonest--they probably are interested in you and do view it as being too busy.

Just because they have dates with other couples during times they said they were too busy to meet with you doesn't mean they have no interest in you and don't have the guts to tell you. Maybe they have been meaning to get together with that other couple for longer than they have even known you--that's happening to us a lot lately. Maybe they have enough couples they're interested in meeting and/or playing with that they're overwhelmed with all the people to schedule in and it'll be a few weeks before they can make time for you--that's happening to us a lot too. If they are new, this may be especially likely--when we first put up our profile, the number of responses we got was overwhelming--we have still yet to meet up with all the couples who contacted us months ago and whose profiles we liked A LOT.

Maybe they also don't want to swing with any one couple too often...lots of the advice out there suggests you avoid getting too close too soon, especially if you're new to swinging. And maybe there's some aspect of playing with you that they're interested in but not quite ready for...an example: I'm bi-curious but playing with another woman is a really new idea in my life. At the same time, all sorts of other combinations, that at least involve my heterosexual comfort zone, are very new for me, too. So I'm trying to go really slow on the bi-curious thing, but it is something I want to do full on eventually...so if there were a couple who are really into F-F play, and if I'm thinking, "Yeah, when I'm ready a few months from now to full on go for some F-F play, I'd like to do her,"...well then, we are too busy for them right now because we are busy with getting me comfortable with other types of play with couples who are into what we're into at the moment. But it doesn't mean we're not interested in them.

And then why wouldn't they tell you these detailed reasons rather than cop out and say they're too busy? Well, they may even be too busy to craft a carefully-worded explanation of exactly how they are hoping you will fit into their swinging. Or they may think you too are busy, and don't want to read a novel about how they are hoping you will fit into their swinging.

[fun4Ds]

we understand how you feel. we have been through the same type of things. dont let it bother you. we are busy alot of times our selves and we feel its allrite to get a response like that. we are telling some people that have contacted us that we probly cant do much till after the holidays and getting the same responses in return. we still check out the ads and posts in our spare time.we would play with our regular friends on a moments notice. we have 3 cpls we would like to meet for dinner in january. the law of averages we may only click with 1 or not at at all. we just got an e mail from a cpl who we havent heard from in 3 months that said we saved our mail so we cld get back with you guys. well ok its no big deal we understand how life can get busy.

[Sweet_Candy]

We believe in honesty with our approach to the lifestyle. We discovered a response line from here that we use for those we are not interested in.

While we're flattered we don't think there's much common ground. Your profile and your pics are nice but we don't feel a sexual connection. We wish you the best in your pursuits. If you see us out please say Hi! We will do likewise!

Most of the times we get a response back thanking us for our honesty.

We are swamped with request and have to turn many away but even with the few that we keep there is not enough time to meet them all and we have a backlog. Reading profiles and exchanging pics are the easy part, it's the getting together that's the challange. Most of those we want to meet are like us and have kids and busy schedules. It's the price we pay for having kids . . .but we wouldn't trade our kids for anything.

[FloridaFlirt]

Thanks everyone for their responses. It has helped to get some other viewpoints about this.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by FloridaFlirt

It's crap like that that makes me want to leave the lifestyle.....

Its pretty much typical. Its rare you will get a straight answer and I can understand it. No one wants to say we aren't interested and very few will. In some ways I would rather be ignored than just told 'no thanks', which is good since its what most people do.

Its also pretty easy to say no to couples into activities you are not interested in. If they are GG only, or into BSDM we will mail and say thanks but its not our thing, but what do you do if there is no attraction? You are perfect on paper, but when you meet them, its just, ugh. We have been basically trained our whole lives to not be superficial, and if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. Well there you are, eager couple mailing you, your profiles are almost carbon copies, and you would rather eat lead paint chips then have sex with them. If you say no thanks the only real reason is looks (or if you met them personality). So you lie, you say you are busy, or you ignore the mail but what you are really hoping is they just go away.

And while being ignored does suck in its own way, I can't say rejection feels any better. We have been to a few LS events where we met a couple that did say 'thanks but not our type' or whatever, and I can't say we feel any better than we do with couples that ignored us. Hell with the ignore there is a chance they forgot to reply, or whatever (and this has in fact happened by us and to us) so there is less of a 'oh they don't think we are attractive' vibe going on.

[FloridaFlirt]

Originally Posted by Chicup

And while being ignored does suck in its own way, I can't say rejection feels any better. We have been to a few LS events where we met a couple that did say 'thanks but not our type' or whatever, and I can't say we feel any better than we do with couples that ignored us. Hell with the ignore there is a chance they forgot to reply, or whatever (and this has in fact happened by us and to us) so there is less of a 'oh they don't think we are attractive' vibe going on.

Don't get me wrong--it sucks when people tell you "thanks, but no"....but I would rather KNOW than GUESS. At least with knowing you can move on....

And really, the point I was making in the beginning was...it's not the rejection, it is the being lied to....for me that is the worst thing.

Thanks for all the responses!

[Fantasy_Partner]

Well yes, but in a reverse(reverse) we have told some people no thanks, in the last week or so...and have been responded to with "well maybe after the holidays"!? How many times do you need to say NO Thankyou?

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by FloridaFlirt

Don't get me wrong--it sucks when people tell you "thanks, but no"....but I would rather KNOW than GUESS. At least with knowing you can move on....

And really, the point I was making in the beginning was...it's not the rejection, it is the being lied to....for me that is the worst thing.

Thanks for all the responses!

True being lied to sucks, and it only became an issue for us once in the LS where it really bothered me. That was when very old very good (seeming) LS friends invited us over for a night. Well it turned out there was another issue at the time and we were backup plans. Well the one issue fell through so they did their original plan which wasn't us, problem was I caught the lie.

We are again now good friends again but at the time it REALLY pissed me off, but we reacted in just the opposite manner. This is what really got us to jump into the LS with both feet, go to a bunch of clubs we didn't really have the guts to visit before, and make some new friends.

Just remember there are assholes everywhere and the LS is by no means an exception. You don't let assholes keep you from enjoying life outside of the LS so no reason to let them keep you from enjoying the LS. Just write off that couple as assholes, and find new friends. It takes a LOT of time to find the 'right' people if you want to be friends with your playmates, and you will run into assholes (we did on halloween, and I still can't figure out what their problem is) but just learn from them and move on.