Situation gone bad???

Here's how the story goes:
The wife and I met up with a couple last Sat night that we had met on Swing Lifestyle. We decided to meet in a Vanilla place, see how we got along then go to their place. When we first met up with the couple, the first thing I noticed is that, they really didn't look the same as the pics they sent us and had posted on there add. The pics were my guess quite a few years old. We were kinda disappointed but decided to see how the evening went. My wife kinda hit if off with the Husband of the other couple. I wasn't too attachted to to the wife of the couple. She seemed to be interested in me, but kept her distance, and at the time, I couldn't figure out why.

Anyways we decided, after talking with them a bit, we would go back to there place. When got to there place I noticed why, (I think this is why she was avoiding me) that she had a major physical deformity, that I didn't notice earlier, due to her keeping her distance. I try not to be a shallow person, but this was a huge turn-off to me, to the point of getting ill to my stomach thinking about having sex with this woman. My wife also said there would be no way she would play with her either.

Being nice, we kept our mouths closed and figured we would stick around a bit, have a few drinks and hit the road, as soon as the chance presented itself. Well I was shooting the shit with the husband of the couple, and my wife was talking girl talk with the wife of the couple. The husband started telling me his wife is signed up on quite a few Swinger and Singles boards, as a single female meets single guys without his knowledge. He said she takes off days at a time and has cheated on him multiple times. I think to myself, not only am I not attracted to his wife, I'm thinking these people have issues. Then the husband tells me, "the only reason we're doing this is to hopefully help our marriage, to keep her from screwing around, and maybe we can find some new friends to hang out with" My suspicions were correct, they do have issues, that we don't want any part of.

I decide then, its time to leave, but being the nice guy I am (or chicken shit), I don't want to tell them the real reason we are bailing out of this situation. So I get with my wife and we devise a quick escape plan, we agreed since one of us was out, both were out. We used the excuse that her monthly started. Well, it worked and we were out of there.
I know we should be telling the truth and be honest, but I don't want to start like pointing out I'm not interested because of your physical defect, etc.
We went there to have sex, we weren't interested in the couple, and we really don't want to become friends with them, since they aren't really the type of people we hang out with.

Now the couple, is contacting us again, and is wanting to meet up again.
My nice guy side is coming out again, and I don't really want to hurt there feelings...how do I break the news we're not interested???

We are not seasoned Swingers. We have had one expirience, that was mostly soft swing. This was the first couple we have met on the internet, and had full intention to do full swap. I really got a bad taste in my mouth after this whole thing. We both still want to go out and do, but are a little hesitant now.

Does this kinda thing happen on a regular basis when meeting couples??


And if you want to flame me for the little escape stunt we pulled, we probably deserve it.

[negacpl]

Honesty is needed here, with a bit of diplomacy. We have all met with people that we like, but don't like "that" well, people that have issues, etc.

A nice reply back would be, Thank-you for your interest, BUT we don't feel we are compatible, Good Luck in your search.
And DON'T feel guilty about it. If they have a problem with that, that is their business, not yours.

This is not the stage for people to "try" to "help or save" a marriage. In this lifestyle there is no room for Jealousy or Mis-trust.

If your gut instinct tells you there is something wrong, there usually is. Remember this lifestyle is for your enjoyment.

We have met people that "red" flags have gone up immediatly, Those that as we have gotten to know them the "red" flags have gone up, and those who we are still friends with. We chat, laugh, talk, and enjoy being friends, but have no intrest in doing anything else with. Then there are very select few that everything clicks.


Also have cues between each other that it is time to call an end to things, the oops, my monthly started is good, also having to call and check on an ill child, or family member(each knowing that person is fine, or a pre-arranged name).

Don't let this one experience leave you not wanting to meet others. All of us in this lifestyle have met people we just don't click with.

When meeting with others I have come to the conclusion that I am going to go and have a nice time, regaurdless. If everything clicks thats great, if not I have still had the opportunity to have an adult evening, meeting someone new.

Good Luck with everything

No flaming from me....

I think you did everything just fine given the situation you found yourself in.

It is hard "breaking up" with a couple. Even though there really wasn't a relationship there it is still hard to find the right words to tell someone you do not want to meet them again.

What makes it harder is you left with the impression that everything was going good which leaves them to believe just that.

So now they are contacting you wanting to know when you want to get back together.

Oh, the tangled webs we weave.....

What to tell them???

It's hard to say, that is something you are going to have to come up with.

I would probably tell them that we just didn't click. It wasn't something anyone specificaly did but we just don't seem to have much in common other than swinging and we were looking for a little more than that.

And leave it at that.

Good Luck.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

I would probably tell them that we just didn't click. It wasn't something anyone specificaly did but we just don't seem to have much in common other than swinging and we were looking for a little more than that.

And leave it at that.

Good Luck.

Dito Great advice. You ran into two major issues. You weren't attracted (which happens a lot for whatever reason), and they obviously weren't on the same page as a couple (which also happens).

So what Naughty said is the truth. You obviously didn't "click", and that's the only reason you really have to give.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by anon for now

And if you want to flame me for the little escape stunt we pulled, we probably deserve it.

Well - you would deserves a flame or two more than having to deal with a couple that is completely screwed up and doesn't belong in the lifestyle at all...

But - I doubt you're going to get any flames here. I think most people (nice, chicken shit and otherwise) would have done the same thing you guys did. The bottom line is that you did what you SHOULD do - and that was protect yourselves from a bad situation. You made a retreat - and lived to tell about it.

Now - how do you pass on them?

The best advice is the advice you've gotten already. "We just didn't feel the right chemistry. Good luck in your search and with your marriage." Then forget about it.

You guys did the right thing - and handled it well for folks who say they aren't experienced. In the heat of the moment, there isn't much else to do but just run away.

Spoomonkey (hoping that you guys don't have to deal with that again)

[Vespertine]

Originally Posted by anon for now

Now the couple, is contacting us again, and is wanting to meet up again.
My nice guy side is coming out again, and I don't really want to hurt there feelings...how do I break the news we're not interested???

Like everyone else said, you did nothing wrong.

Don't feel badly telling them that you don't want to get together again. You're not going to be looked upon as a 'bad guy'. Not everyone is compatible, and I'm sure they know that and will understand. A simple email to them informing them that you're not interested in another date is all that's needed. You don't have to go into details.

[Alura]

There's good advice above on how to extract yourselves from the situation.

The wife's "side-play" is enough to send us packing. The health issue alone would cause us to get lost. The relationship issues deeply bury any possibilities of a friendship.

Y'all did the right thing. Now finish the job.

Mr. Alura

[confunktion]

Not much to add here. All above are great posts.

Don't be discouraged - we've all had our hellish dates here and there. Keep the faith, as there are plenty of great couples out there just waiting to be discovered. Good Luck!

Mr. Funk
Still in therapy from my last hellish date...yeesh!

[vafburgcouple]

Hey, Hard to be honest in a situation like that. Just remember No means no and if you are not interested, just try to be nice and say thanks for the time. As far as additional contact. Again. Just tell them the truth, that there seem to be issues in their situation that create an uncomfortable situation for you and your wife and that you are not interested.

Mark

[JustAskJulie]

I think you have to be honest with the couple about why you aren't interested. They should know that many couples will not be interested in playing with them in their situation, that most swinging couples prefer couples with a strong relationship.

Will you encounter this type of situation again? probably, but you can ward off a lot of it by a) screening through emails, phone calls and just trusting your instinct. Basically, if you made it through dinner and weren't interested you probably should have bailed then rather than continuing the evening.

[RNDNV]

Great posting, it was a very interesting read. I would tend to differ from most of the posts above, and say that honesty is the best policy. You could have been completely frank by saying that you guys would have some trepidation in partying with a couple who had such marital issues, and as such, the last thing you would want to do as a couple is be in any way participatory in the possible deterioriation or damage to their marriage. Swinging is for solid, loyally committed, and grounded couples who work hard at communication, and this couple lacked all of that in spades. All that being said at the time would have been honest, given you guys an excuse to step out of the space with dignity, and would most likely have prevented recontact.

[Katie_and_Mark]

Wow! So sorry that was your experience. My hubby and I are nice people and we have found it hard to "break up" with someone, especially after having been sexual with them. But the thing is they get over it and they usually find someone else. And when you are done "breaking up" with them and it's over you will be able to let out a big sigh of relief. You have to learn how to do this because unfortunately it is part of the lifestyle. You have to handle the good and the bad both. All those posts above are great as far as how to tell them. If they want specifics you can tell them that you felt that they had marital issues that made you uncomfortable. But remember you are doing this to make you and your wife happy not everyone else happy. Good luck on your next endeavor. Katie

[Alberta Bound]

It seems to us that you handled things just right. It did bring home to us the fact that couples need to have an "escape hatch" to bail out of a potentially difficult situation.

We don't have that, so we're going to sit down and work one out right now ... thanks for pointing it out to us.

[northindycpl]

Yes, a thanks but there is no chemistry approach is a good one. Email it off and forget about it.

But your question of if this is common or not... We don't meet a lot of couples off the internet, but of the ones we have met, they have been who they say they are, and look the same IRL as in their pictures. I think you just ran across some freaks.

On Swing Lifestyle you can look for Certified members. We respond to those certified members that have more than 1 certification. It seems that is good way to go. You can read their certification commments, too.

Have you guys gone to any clubs yet? That might be another good options for you. We love clubs! We have a great time together (sex or no) and can find people we are attracted to, have a chance to talk to them and see where it goes.

We have also made a rule after we had a bad experience (thankfully not like yours ) That we never play on a first date. We haven't broken that rule, and don't plan to. We need the time to discuss our candidates after meeting them before we play with them. If there is any hesitation with either of us, we don't play.

Every couple we have met, respects that rule. We have never gotten any pressure.

[bear_n_bunny]

I think you basically did the right thing. The chemistry is either there or it is not, and if it is not, all the wishing in the world will make it so. (I have to admit I'm curious to know what that "physical deformity" was that you could not detect it until you got to their home.)

One thing we would have done differently is that we do not play on the first date. This way there is no pressure from that perspective, and it gives everyone a chance to look each other over and make a decision as to whether or not you want to get together again.

Most of the couples we have met have been over the Internet, and yes, sometimes you get an unpleasant surprise when you meet face-to-face (for us, going to clubs has pretty much been a washout). One way to ameliorate the risk is to correspond with the couple a bit via email, and/or talk on the phone a few times. It's a learned skill, but in time you will figure out what to look for that will give you warning signs on who to avoid.

Finally, about being "honest", just telling them "thanks but no thanks" is sufficient. Unless you are a "Barbie and Ken clone" couple, you are going to hear that yourself from time to time, as well as say it to others. That is the nature of the beast. There is such a thing as being "too" honest, and it can be as hurtful as some lies can be, and why be so it it's not necessary. Just give them the "thanks but no thanks, and good luck in your search" and move on, taking what you learned from the experience with you.

-- Bear