Avoiding hurt feelings

[inbeachcouple]

I'll try to explain this as best I can, so please bear with me.

I don't know if it's just us or what, but it seems like most of the couples we meet and end up playing with want to get together rather frequently. This is VERY flattering, and not a problem, even though we only go out to play occasionally. The problem we run into is that she is VERY picky when it comes to body types, and after the clothes come off her level of attraction to the other guy usually goes downhill. We won't play with another couple unless we find them to be great people, and really get along with them, but, like I mentioned earlier, she is VERY picky (even though I'm definately not a 10). We know that we need to try and do a better job of guestimating what someone will look like naked for starters.

I guess my question is, how do we tell these people that we like them alot, and want to remain friends and stay in touch, but just don't want to play with them without hurting feelings?

[northindycpl]

Honesty is the best policy. I am a picky woman when it comes to the type of people I find attractive. I think just saying politely thanks but no thanks is good.

This is easier said then done, sometimes. The polite social butterfly that I am ususally makes an excuse for the why. I always feel like I have to have an explanation. this happens most with turning down men. Single or otherwise.

Some that work for us are: (which are mostly true)

-We don't play on the first date.
-We don't play with singles.
-We don't swap
-I am flattered, but we are new and taking our time.

All of those seem to work for us.

[warkman]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

Honesty is the best policy.
Some that work for us are: (which are mostly true)

-We don't play on the first date.
-We don't play with singles.
-We don't swap
-I am flattered, but we are new and taking our time.

All of those seem to work for us.

I think their dilemma may be that they have already agreed to play with these people, but after the clothes came off, they're no longer interested. So those reasons might not fly so well.

[inbeachcouple]

Warkman has it right.

These are couples we have already played with, so we are trying to figure out how to back out of the situation of the other couples wanting/expecting to play while still remaining friends. These are all people we met at our usual club that we really like outside of the bedroom, so we'll definately run into them again in the future. It really seems childish and for lack of a better word, dumb to 'hide' by finding another club too. Sorry if my explaining is a bit incomplete, but too much coffee + multi-tasking has my head all over the place.

[warkman]

Boy, this is tough. I have absolutely no experience swinging. We're in the investigational stage. How does this situation work in the swinging world? My experience in the single dating world was that the "I'm only interested in being friends, I'm just not attracted to you in that way" (no matter how sincere) viewpoint doesn't work very well unless the feeling is extremely mutual. And it would be particularly difficult in that you were interested but then somehow repelled when everyone was naked

We have run into that problem.

We just told them "Some people click and some don't. It is nothing personal and nobody is at fault or did anything wrong, the "Click" just wasn't there and sometimes that happens".

They seemed okay with that but it was still hard.

[warkman]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

We have run into that problem.

We just told them "Some people click and some don't. It is nothing personal and nobody is at fault or did anything wrong, the "Click" just wasn't there and sometimes that happens".

They seemed okay with that but it was still hard.

But were you able to remain friends to a degree that inbeachcouple desires?? I know that's probably a hard one to quantify.

We still talk. I see the husband of the couple quite often and we talk all the time.
We got together a couple more times as friends after we played and told them we didn't really click but we really did not have that much in common other than the fact we were all swingers.

[JustAskJulie]

I think the biggest issue here is that if this happens a lot and it is mostly people you are meeting at your local club, you could easily (regardless of what excuse you give) end up creating a name for yourselves as best post notchers. People will start assuming that you are only out for the one night stands, play once and move on approach.

I think that rather than trying to figure out how not to end up in bed with people again, you need to concentrate more on finding ways to get them naked before you play with them.

a) at most clubs people tend to shed clothes as the night goes on, pay attention to what you see when shirts come off. It's a little harder since from the sounds of it, it is mostly her that has the problem with the guys and the guys tend to be a little more shy about losing their clothes especially if they have a belly to cover up.

b) only agree to softswap on first meetings (or better yet, same room sex only) to give you an opportunity to see them without clothes and gauge your attractiveness.

Another thing that comes to mind is that maybe it's not about body types and attraction at all but about the chase. Maybe you enjoy the chase but once you have gotten the prize the incentive just isn't there anymore and thus they aren't as attractive to you.

[inbeachcouple]

Hey everyone!! Thanks for taking the time to reply to our post! This is the HER. I just wanted to say a couple of things and see what you thought. I think Julie made a great suggestion in trying to see if we could politely try to find opportunities to see the other couples without clothes before we commit ourselves so that we don't hurt anyone's feelings.

However, I did want to say that it is definitely not about the chase, as we have found couples that we are attracted to after the clothes come off, and have hooked up multiple times and the experience has actually gotten BETTER the second and third times because the friendship grew as well, and we will continue to see those friends.

I have come up with a philosophy and want to see everyone's take on it...I often wander if couples tend to swing for 2 reasons; (1) To meet new friends for social reasons (physical not important)and (2) to meet and play with friends for physical attraction(along with "clicking" socially); Personally, we have a ton of friends in everyday life in addition to swingers, but we have noticed that some swingers have no social life outside of the swinging community, which is their choice and fine, but that is not why we are there. It's just that we will meet people who are attractive with clothes on and we love their personalities, but after the clothes come off since I am so picky, the physical attraction is no longer there and I end up playing with guys 75% of the time out of obligation at that point because I feel stuck. It is to the point where I have done so much out of obligation that I've considered stopping swinging altogether. If I continue this way it is going to ruin swinging altogether for me.

Then they want to hook up again and we REALLY want to be their friends especially because we all hang out at the same clubs, but end up avoiding them and making excuses and feeling akward because we don't know how to back out of a second encounter without hurting their feelings after we've seen them naked and played the first time. Are there couples that everyone else was able to stay friends with and not play again with without hurt feelings?

[DBL D]

My guess is that you'll have to start wearing x-ray glasses...or accept that there is usually more to a person than the few extra pounds that you didn't feel when you danced.

Male D

[inbeachcouple]

This is the HER again. See, that last reply suggests that I am expecting unrealisticly that everyone be PERFECT, which is NOT the case!! I would rather not swing at all than be in a situation where I am playing with someone that I'm not attracted to..but because you can't exactly say, "hi, nice to meet you, you've got a great personality, so...can I see you naked now?" I end up doing a lot more than I should so as to not hurt anyone's feelings, so I feel that statement is unfair suggesting that a couple of extra pounds turns me off (which actually most the time the turnoff is guys who are too skinny for me, ironically). The bottom line is it is all or nothing with physical attraction for me. 100% or 0%, there is not a percentage of attraction, as in the couple of extra pounds suggests, and I cannot make myself be attracted to someone I am not, I either am or am not physically attracted, even though that person may have the best personality in the world. If the physical attraction isn't there for me, it's a no go, and I can't help that.Since I've already been swinging with 75% of guys I'm not attracted to after the clothes come off, I feel like I've already been generous enough and I need to consider MY needs for a change. The advice on saying "we just didn't click" was good, and trying to take opportunities to see others without clothes beforehand is good advice too. However, it bothers me sometimes that swinging is very physical in nature, and then sometimes (indirectly)people accuse others as being shallow the instant you suggest the physical attraction part of the equation and don't want to jump into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry just because they're "nice" and made to feel guilty about the physical attraction part!!That is NOT FAIR!!

[DBL D]

Hi inbeachcouple,

I really didn't mean to upset you with my comment. It just looked like that would be a good place to start and I didn't mean to insult your intelligence.

You are right. There are a lot of reasons that one might become unattracted to someone after the clothes come off. Weight is just one of them. Maybe it's the color or size of their appendage(s) or that they have more or less body hair than you want or whatever. Really...I was trying to lighten it up and didn't do a good job of explaining my statement.

I guess at this point I would ask you what you would like to have as a partner? You could include that in your ad(s). You may be perceived as picky, but who cares. You are the one looking for the diamonds in the rough; surely you will be happy when you find them!

Male D

[inbeachcouple]

Thank you for replying and explaining, that was very kind and yes, we have come to accept and expect that because I am so picky, swinging is going to be something for us that happens a few times per year or less, but that goes along with being picky. Everyone has to decide for themselves if they want quality or quantity. I wish I could make myself be attracted to more men, but I can't. The big thing here is that the last thing we would ever want to do is hurt anyone's feelings if we can avoid it. Maybe a proactive (trying to see them without clothes or try sex with spouse in the same room beforehand, if possible) is better than a reactive approach, which we hadn't even thought of before Julie suggested it. It's going to be tricky but we'll try.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by inbeachcouple

Everyone has to decide for themselves if they want quality or quantity. I wish I could make myself be attracted to more men, but I can't. The big thing here is that the last thing we would ever want to do is hurt anyone's feelings if we can avoid it.

We're no experts, but, we think that (eventually) you can have both Q's in your corner.

We actually have the same problem. I can tell you it's a pain in the ass for the one who's ready to go and that's where both on your team have to be patient with the other. You will end up meeting the ones you like and want to be with (unless you're into just playing the field, which it doesn't sound like you are) and then your search will be fruitful.

Just try to never judge a book by it's cover.

Male D