We don't want to swing with this couple anymore

[intuition897]

Hi everyone. I've got a scenario for you, so let me know what your opinion of the situation would be.

After playing with a couple for a while, you and your SO start to notice things are not quite right with them. You notice that they seem to be drifting further apart - and that's apparently the way they want it! I won't get into specific indications, but... you just get a gut feeling that their relationship is slowly deteriorating. Personally, we choose to not play with couples whose relationship we know is on shaky ground. It's just not ethical. Our concern is how do you go about letting a couple know that you choose not to swing with them anymore? Rude as it may be, let's suppose they want to know why. What do you tell them?? We're all for honesty, but you can't exactly blurt out a guess-&-by-golly diagnosis of their relationship status; it's just none of our business. But at the same time we would like to be honest in our feelings that maybe they should spend a little time talking over why they got into the lifestyle in the first place and get back to us. Obviously we can't say that, but it's the way we feel about it. I guess the answer is just as obvious: tell them that asking for our reasons is rude.

I just hate confrontations. Any tips on how to 'quit' a couple you've played with before? Or unsuitable couples that you've met for dinner (and it's time for the dreaded follow-up email)? How would you handle it?

[biblonde]

Well, we had to call it off with a couple we played with a couple of times. They just were boring as ever. I did tell them that we needed a little more "wild" in the bedroom type people when he continued to press for an answer. He didnt like it at first but we are still kinda friends and chatt online once in a while and talk if we see each other in public. Now if we only meet for dinner it is easy...just send the email saying sorry but I think we will have to pass on you guys. If they want to know why then what we have done in the past is just say we didnt feel "that" kind of connection with them. We always wish them well and try to be polite as we can. I think if we got that kinda email we wouldnt even ask since we know that not everyone is going to connect every time. I have never asked why when we have recieved the dreaded "thanks but no thanks" emails...We dont take it personal. And I agree with you...we dont play if we feel a couple doesnt seem to be close or that they are drifting apart. To much drama to deal with and we really dont want to be caught up in the middle of it. Just not worth it!! Best of luck to you guys!!!

just my 2 cents for the day!!

[good times]

It might be that because we only meet people at the clubs that we haven't really had a problem with this. It was something we worried about a lot at first but in the end it has turned out to be pretty much of a non issue. We have met several couples that while they were real nice people we just didn't seem to be connecting well in a sexual way. I'm sure their is probably a better way than the way we have done it but we just basically stop playing with them. We still might go to dinner with them if we like them as friends but when they bring up sex we just politely decline. We have only had one couple get kind of mad at us when we wouldn't play with them again and I think that was mainly because they came from out of town and, without consulting us, assumed they were going to hook up with us for sex. Maybe we should have been a little more direct with them when they told us they were coming but then again, they never asked ahead of time either. Other than that one instance, every other time we have decided we didn't want to play with someone any more we never really had to discuss it, when you are dealing with people in person I think it is often pretty obvious when someone isn't interested in you any more.

[EndOfTheEarth]

Being new at this but having had to tell a couple that they were not for us after some soft playing, maybe I can add something useful. My wife and I decided the best way was to be direct but short. All of the reading we have done about the lifestyle, before actually experienceing it, speaks to the importance of open communication. This is between each couple, and also between potential or actual playmates -- limits, desires rules etc. Therefore it seemed to us that when we decided that the other couple was not right for us, we tell them just that. I think my wife replied something like "Sorry for the delay in getting back to you--we've taken some time to think about and discuss things and there's something that doesn't quite feel right about our fit. With that in mind, it seemed best to let you know as soon as possible so that we might all focus our puruits elsewhere." This kind of direct response should be welcome by all since, in our case at least, we have precious little time to pursue our swinginhg activities and we do not want to be knowingly wasting time if things are not going to work out. One of the beauties of this lifestyle is that it attracts mature, secure people. Direct, polite exchanges are welcome and expected.

Anyway, that is how we see it with our limited experience.

[growgirl]

Wow, I think this is the first thread I can actually relate our "real life" experiences... Since we're new, both to the board and the lifestyle, I hesitate to post "answers" yet...

However, we did have to tell a couple that we were not going to play with them after a dinner/dancing date. I took her aside near the end, under guise of a potty break, and just told her simply that it wasn't going to work out for us play-wise because I just wasn't feeling any connection for him. I didn't tell her her b/f was a total loser and a leech or that I found him not only unattractive, but stomach-turningly disgusting... He did storm out huffily when she told him though, and they stuck us with the bill! The remaining two couples actually thanked us for saying something, as they were going to bail if the first couple had stayed. Like the goodtimes situation, the rude-guy couple assumed that they were going to be going back to the one couples hotel room, but even before they had met f2f!

[intuition897]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Sounds like there are some couples out there who have had a few awkward experiences of their own! We can relate to a lot of this. For example the out-of-towners. We actually seek out couples outside of our immediate area for discretion's sake, so invariably there is some travel involved. Usually we meet halfway. But when that happens there always seems to be some expectation of hooking up. We really felt the difference after experiencing a couple like that and then going to see some old friends we thought had dropped off the face of the planet. Even though we had played together before, it was still 'come on up for some BBQ and beer and maybe something will happen.' They were a great couple (our first actually), and for them each encounter was an event in its own right, not just one of a series of encounters. There was never any pressure, we never felt that we were supposed to follow some imaginary script, and they were not the type to put up with anyone pushing expectations like that on them either. We learned a lot from them.

[DBL D]

In my opinion, it's never un-awkward. It may be easy to do but it's never easy for me. Somebody's hopes will be dashed...that's life...but it sucks! I wish we could all get along but some people just don't mesh. (as couples)

Try to be polite.

Male D

[NotsoNew]

When we come into these situations, we always try to be direct but polite. It is only fair to say something to others involved and not just leave them hanging or ignore them.

That said, we have had this happen to us. We had gotten together with a couple many times over the course of 2 years or so. Hadn't heard from them for a while so dropped a "Hi, how are you" email. They never responded. I know how that made us feel (still don't know what happened) and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way we did.

As hard as it can be, it is better to be upfront to people.

[DBL D]

Being with a couple over that amount of time and then not hearing anything would be VERY difficult to take, especially when they couldn't even respond to a simple HI.

It would make me want to leave the lifestyle.

I have this sneaky feeling that most swingers aren't really honest and don't want to be. After all, we all say it's "for our pleasure" and that seems to mean that we can be rude if "we" want to be.

I wish it were different and hopefully you will find a few couples who can relate to you guys in an honest way.

Male D

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Being with a couple over that amount of time and then not hearing anything would be VERY difficult to take, especially when they couldn't even respond to a simple HI.
Male D

Yep... my thoughts exactly! It is a fine line to tell someone you aren't interested. But it takes the same courage to tell someone 'you're fired' or the like.

I always think honesty is the best policy. Granted, you don't have to be blatent about it.

I think in the original situation, I would tell this couple (or any other) that you simply do not want to play with them for awhile. I would tell them you you want to take a break. Leave it at that. Again, thats just life.

[EvilMJ]

I am an honesty type of gal. When my friends were having some problems due to swinging, I just told them outright that things were going to stop until they sorted it out. We care about them and do not want to bring any stress on their marriage.

It was easier for us I guess because we are close friends, but I don't think I would have a problem with a couple I barely knew either. I will still say that I sensed that they may be having some stress in their marriage and we had decided to put swinging on hold for a time, but would be happy to remain in touch with them until they sorted things out.

[misterbates]

Originally Posted by intuition897

Rude as it may be, let's suppose they want to know why. What do you tell them?? We're all for honesty, but you can't exactly blurt out a guess-&-by-golly diagnosis of their relationship status; it's just none of our business. But at the same time we would like to be honest in our feelings that maybe they should spend a little time talking over why they got into the lifestyle in the first place and get back to us. Obviously we can't say that, but it's the way we feel about it. I guess the answer is just as obvious: tell them that asking for our reasons is rude

[B]Why not tell em??...If youv'e been with them before then there must be some sort of freindship . Ask them straight out if they are having problems..and telll them you feel that swinging is not working with them,and you are not comfortable anymore...

If they are decent they'll understand..if not...does it matter?..you dont wanna be with them anymore anyway...

Our biggest gripe with people in the lifestyle has always been the inability to be honest....if you have a problem with someone just lie and make excuses..or just fall off the face of the earth!!!

We are always honest with those we are involved with..this way here nothing comes back at you later on....like if you run into them somewhere...and it gets all weird!!!...

If we break it off with you...you'll know why..no we aren't rude.."oh your wife is way too fat!!" Or."woman.. your pussy just stinks so bad"...but we say we've talked about it and the sex part is just not working for us...and leave it at that..if they want details...we say "sorry we dont want to get into that"

If they come back nasty on the other hand..well...Mrs B has never been one to back down from a fight!!LOL!!



MrB facelick

[Dr Jekyll]

Honesty goes a long way. Politely telling them exactly what you are sensing and that it is the reason for your disinterest in any play will go a long way towards staying friends with them. If they tell you not to worry about it, the choice is up to you...