Jump to content
bellerophon

Same room, separate rooms?

Recommended Posts

Hi!

My wife and I have just begun to explore getting involved in this and are experiencing the emotions I must imagine are usual: Excitement, nervous, fear of jealosy, arousal...

 

We have been talking a while and both seem to be on the same page... we are going to go slow, talk a lot and make sure we really have similar expectations, but we are both ultimately interested in full swap.

 

My question is, it seems most couples I read online are mainly into same room sex. While that may be something we eventually get into if it turns out a turn on for us, both of us would prefer a little couples play and then venturing off to seperate rooms. Starting off, it seems like a little much to be able to see your wife or husband, err... "putting it" to someone else right in front of you.

 

I read a lot of couples get turned on by watching their spouse getting it from another person, but we're not so sure we will be (foreplay yes, actual sex - not sure). Also, I suppose we are both being a bit selfish... we do want to do this as a couple but we also want our own seperate experience. Is that unusual? Especially for beginners?

 

And will we have difficulty finding other couples willing to seperate once it gets to real action?

 

I know ultimately we will have to decide for ourselves, but I am curious if others have had success or if the chances for jealosy are higher because you are in seperate rooms (as of right now, we really do not think it will be a problem).

 

Thanks for your thoughts and we have learned a lot reading the great posts on this board!

Share this post


Link to post

We thought in the beginning we would feel more comfortable doing a separate room swap. Well, let me tell you how wrong we were. We actually were more jelouse and tense over not knowing what was going on with other half. It was really a bad first step. We were much more comfortable doing same room swap.

 

NOw that we have being doing this for a while separate room play is fine and we don't have a problem with it all in. I guess it is what ever makes you comfortable.

Share this post


Link to post

It's not generally too difficult to come by folks that play in separate rooms. We come across that alot. We have, in fact, been turned down by those who prefer it because we prefer same room.

 

But, it has been our experience that many of those who prefer separate room are generally seasoned swingers, and they generally prefer their play partners to be seasoned as well, simply because for many, playing in separate rooms does tend to open things up for more jealousy.

 

For us, we are in this together, so we want to experience everything together. I think, for us, we would have bigger concerns about jealousy if we were in separate rooms, just because we each would not be privy to what all our partner was experiencing.

Share this post


Link to post

My wife and I do prefer the separate room experience over the same room. Like you, we do not get excited seeing our spouse playing in the same room. We find it difficult to go at our pace (I can get into it rather quickly while my wife likes to get warmed up slowly) in a same room experience, one of us ends up going at a speed we don't like. Unfortunately, like you, most of the couples we have encountered only want same room play.

 

Separate room play allows you to go at your pace and there are no external distractions (sounds and visual) and allows to really get into our swing partner. Also, my wife says it feels like cheating with permission (a turn for her) I just wish there were couples willing to do it.

Share this post


Link to post

We like it either way, same or separate. For us it just depends on the other couple and what they feel most comfortable with. However, when we first started swinging, we only wanted separate rooms. For me, Mr. Playmate, it was fear of having performance problems with another couple in the same room. For Mrs. Playmate is was fear of jealousy raising its ugly head watching me having sex with another female.

 

I can tell you this however, those feeling went right away after we had had two or three experiences with other couples and we had our first experience at an on-premise swing club.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks for the replies!

 

I'm not sure how voyeuristic we are... maybe we will get turned on by seeing the other in the moment but right now I kinda view it as more of a distraction. We want our own seperate experience and it seems like you will feel pressure to match the pace and intensity of the other couple.

 

My wife is loud, will my partner feel pressure to 'act' accordingly? I tend to last a while, will the other guy feel a bit inadequate if he is finished well before I am with his spouse? My wife is capable of multiple orgasms, what if the woman I am with is not? If the actual sex ends up not as enjoyable for one couple, will it spoil the mood for the others seeing it as such? I just do not want the expectations of performing for the other couple. Whether it is planned or not, I have to imagine this does set in. It seems like this would not be as much of a concern once you were into the lifestyle more and were completely at ease with the other couple.

 

I guess I am just suprised to find most not only prefer same room sex, but actually start out that way as well... it just seems more ackward to me thinking about it.

 

"Cheating with permission" -- I like that term and think that is more of what we are after.

 

Our initial talk involved each of us having a few "friends with benefits"... but I think that would be a mistake. Too many intangibles involved and too many chances for dishonesty. In other words, "inviting too many potential problems". This feeling has been reinforced by reading this board and other sites.

 

But in an environment which is safe and controlled as possible I think we would be very happy having our own 'private' moment... unfortunately it looks like we might have trouble finding similar couples to share this with :)

 

Is this viewed somewhat negatively by other swingers? That perhaps we are not as secure in our relationship if we want seperate room sex? In my mind, it shows how much we are trusting of each other and willing to give the other a full, private experience while at the same time we are going into it together and going home together.

 

It's definitely going to be a decision we make together but I really do appreciate everyone's input... thanks!

Share this post


Link to post
I guess I am just suprised to find most not only prefer same room sex, but actually start out that way as well... it just seems more ackward to me thinking about it.

 

My wife and I feel much the same, though I fancy the idea of same room more than she does. We would have to grow into that to feel comfortable. My fear would be if something wasn't going well for her, and I wasn't there. She's capable of handling herself pretty well, but I wouldn't want that to happen. An experience like that would also probably be the end of swinging altogether. We would have to find a solution that allows for adequate privacy, yet proximity, simultaneously. I guess that could be difficult.

Share this post


Link to post
My wife is loud, will my partner feel pressure to 'act' accordingly? I tend to last a while, will the other guy feel a bit inadequate if he is finished well before I am with his spouse? My wife is capable of multiple orgasms, what if the woman I am with is not? If the actual sex ends up not as enjoyable for one couple, will it spoil the mood for the others seeing it as such? I just do not want the expectations of performing for the other couple. Whether it is planned or not, I have to imagine this does set in. It seems like this would not be as much of a concern once you were into the lifestyle more and were completely at ease with the other couple.

 

I can definitely see the point here. Quick, funny story. My husband's birthday was in July, and I had a big swinger party for him at one of our local on-premise clubs ... I had also rented a hotel room. So after the party, we had a group meet us at the hotel. We had all pretty much just recently met, so no one swapped, and it was all same room sex basically, but the funny thing was that my husband and I got a later start and were still going when everyone else was done (there was one other couple and a single female and a single male) ... he started feeling self-conscious, I was worn ragged, and the sun was coming up, so we just stopped. :lol: But from that particular encounter, I can see where you are coming from with the pressure to match up what else is going on in the room.

 

As long as you maintain your perspective and remain completely honest with each other and as long as you are both on the same page with the desire to do separate room, then you should be fine. It's just not for us. But like I said, as prolific as same-roomers are, there definitely are those that are totally cool with separate. If you are perusing ad sites, sometimes you have to read deep into the profiles, too. Some will list themselves as same-room, but then in their profile they will say they are accepting of separate room.

 

 

 

Is this viewed somewhat negatively by other swingers? That perhaps we are not as secure in our relationship if we want seperate room sex? In my mind, it shows how much we are trusting of each other and willing to give the other a full, private experience while at the same time we are going into it together and going home together.[/Quote]

 

 

I don't think it's necessarily viewed negatively, just different strokes for different folks. Personally, we can't relate to those who prefer separate because it's something we would not do, so it's hard to understand what they like about it. Conversely, the same might be said for them with regard to our preferences.

Share this post


Link to post
My fear would be if something wasn't going well for her, and I wasn't there. She's capable of handling herself pretty well, but I wouldn't want that to happen. An experience like that would also probably be the end of swinging altogether.

That is a very legitimate concern, and a large reason why I think "friends with benefits" and doing our own seperate thing in that manner is a very bad idea.

 

Two things which I hope make this safer 1) I want to know the couple we are with pretty well beforehand and 2) We will be within yelling distance if need be.

 

I think there is a low probability of this actually occuring (and from reading around it sounds like respect is very high within this community), but it's best to be as safe as possible.

 

Adjoining rooms seems fine to me... hell, even opposite sides of a couch could work I guess :) This is definitely something we need to talk about more.

 

I don't think it's necessarily viewed negatively, just different strokes for different folks. Personally, we can't relate to those who prefer separate because it's something we would not do, so it's hard to understand what they like about it. Conversely, the same might be said for them with regard to our preferences.

That is good to hear. I fully expect our tastes and desires to evolve over time but so often it seems the answer is simply to be open and honest with each other, the couple you are with and just as importantly -- all need to be having fun :)

 

I hope to read more comments and thoughts!

Share this post


Link to post

I don't think separate room is viewed as negative at all. I think as others have said there are lots of us out there who are willing to do that. Usually the first time we are with a couple we tend to be same room. However there are some exceptions.

 

I have to agree with an earlier comment that it tends to be the expereinced couples that do this. I find that as you get more into the lifestyle and have experience under your belt you begin to become more comfortable with different ideas, just as your rules may tend to relax over time. This isn't the case with everyone, a lot of people are in this to be strickly same room swap and that is fine too. There is such a diverse aware of swinging activiities that I am sure you will find a couple or a couple of couples :lol: that work for you.

Share this post


Link to post

When a couple is just starting out, rules are always set. It's the safety net. The training wheels...the water wings. You know. So it's understandable that you both feel a need to do things one way or another; it feels safer for your relationship. However, separate room play can be potentially explosive. There are, of course, safety issues (for example a recent post addressed a terrible separate room encounter with a man who followed his urge to degrade his partner :( ). Then there's also the risk that you'll experience the other kind of distraction, worrying about how much fun your partner is having on his/her own. Then there is the 'intimacy' issue. If you are concerned in the slightest that emotional attachment to other partners is a possibility, do NOT do separate rooms. The more public feel of same room encounters removes this feeling of 'stealing away' with someone else. Another issue is what happens after the separate room encounter. If you and your partner are thinking that separate rooms will alleviate the jealousy you would feel at seeing one another with different partners, think again. Those thoughts don't go away; you've just put them in a box on a shelf in the closet. When/if you decide to try same room activities, those feelings may be even bigger than they would've been had you started out with same-room. Why? Because when you see your partner with someone else for the 'first time', it isn't really the first time is it? They had been with someone else before, and you weren't there to see it. The charming awkwardness is gone, and the experience they've gained shows. Suddenly you wonder how much you missed by not being there to see him/her doing this for the first time. You wonder what was talked and whispered about, what plans they made to see one another again (without you), whether your spouse said to the other "You're so much better than [hubby/wifey]."

 

This may not be the case, and some people may actually really enjoy the feelings that are aroused with separate room play. I'm just saying that for a first time, it's like walking a tightrope without a safety net.

 

For that matter, have you considered ways to work around your jealousies that don't include swinging? You could try going to a strip club together and buying a lap dance for one another (I love that suggestion), or try going to a bar and just flirting and dancing with other people and see how that flies. There are ways to ease into it; you don't need to dive in headfirst with full swap.

 

And as far as how same/separate room play is perceived by swingers, there is generally no opinion one way or the other. Most couples play same room, because it is something they do together as a couple, and they enjoy the interaction and visual aspect of it. Some, like Mr. intuition and I, occasionally like the kink of separate rooms. It fires up the imagination...in a good way! However we enjoy both same and separate and do not feel compelled to choose one over the other. While you may feel a need to do things one way or the other right now, I'd suggest that you work on moving past 'needing' to play a certain way, and toward gaining confidence in one another, and in your relationship. Once you get that down, the rest is gravy.

Share this post


Link to post

We will do same room or separate room depending on what the couple we are with prefers, we are pretty much indifferent ourselves.

 

What I like best is same room separate beds, not possible at our house, but easy enough to do at a motel. Four people on one bed can be a little distracting for me sometimes. What usually happens is the other guy gets really into what he is doing to the exclusion of his mate and myself and we have to either move to the floor or another room (Mrs. GT is really hot, so it's totally understandable to me ;) , and I guess I'm just to conscientious :rolleyes: ). The floor means rug burns, which is not so good, so I usually opt for the other room in those situations.

 

The only thing I can think of that we have tried that we won't do again is one of us playing in another room while the other isn't, that sucked.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks again for the replies... definitely paying attention and definitely not planning on just 'jumping right in'... in fact, if we are going to do anything, we are still several months away!

 

I do want to point out it is not the jealousy we are currently having issues with (of actually 'seeing the other having sex') but the ackwardness and distraction of it. I want her to have a great time (and hope to enjoy the same myself)! Just at the moment I get the sense we will enjoy the experience more without the anxiety of feeling you have to perform in conjunction with the other couple (which I imagine happens when you are more inexperienced).

 

We have gone to strip clubs together, gotten lap dances and we have invited another woman into our bed together... so we are not making quite as large of a leap as it might appear at first. All these experiences have been positive ones for us and brought us closer together.

 

Our jealousy is not a foregone conclusion, we are just trying to plan accordingly if it does rear its ugly head. I am not the only person my wife has slept with and I have never felt jealous about it, only curious about her experiences. 7 years ago my wife (girlfriend at the time) did deal with jealousy issues over women I had slept with but she has matured a lot since then (who does not have jealousy issues when they are 18 years old?) and jealousy simply does not exist in our marriage right now. It has not come up with going to the strip club and getting lap dances, it has not come up with having a threesome and it has not come up knowing both of us do like to flirt with others. But could it come up? Of course... we are both willing to admit that. We are trying to be as informed as possible about this and are very grateful to those members of this forum who have opened up about their thoughts and experiences.

 

Intuition897,

Are you speaking from experience? Did you and your partner go through similar emotions from seperate room sex? Did you start out that way thinking it was the best initial way to go? How strong was your relationship at the time and how open were you with each other? Sorry, I am all questions! :) I really appreciate your post and again, my wife and I still have a lot of talking to do.

 

As of right now, we both *want* seperate room sex... I just want to go about it the right way. Perhaps we should start out with more mild swapping with a couple and same room activities to make sure we want to go all the way (as we both think we do)... I guess there is no harm in that, and it is never a mistake to go slowly.

 

To make my current thoughts clear -- I do not have any problem whatsoever with the thought of my wife having sex with another man (given that I have met him, trust him, know he is in a committed relationship and in this for the same reason we are), I just do not know if it will arouse me to see his hairy ass bobbing up and down above her (to put it bluntly) let alone if it could simply be an ackward distraction which lessens our positive experience.

 

It *could* be arousing for both of us to be in the same room... but we both *know* it would be arousing to be in seperate rooms. My initial thoughts were it would be better to start in seperate rooms and work our way into the unknown of whether we enjoy same room.... and I am suprised to learn this is the complete opposite of most others! :lol:

 

We will ultimately do what we feel is best for us, but I hope to read more experiences....

 

Like, did anyone here start with seperate room sex and have the issues brought up by intuition897 occur? Can it start out positive if gone in with preperation?

 

I am going to bring all these up with my wife and we will continue to talk more about it... thanks for bringing them up!

Share this post


Link to post
Like, did anyone here start with seperate room sex and have the issues brought up by intuition897 occur? Can it start out positive if gone in with preperation?

 

I am going to bring all these up with my wife and we will continue to talk more about it... thanks for bringing them up!

 

 

bellerophon, I believe EvilMJ addressed this issue stating that she and her hubby thought it was a good idea to start this way. Her post was relatively short, so you might implore her to elaborate through a PM if she doesn't wish to do so on the boards.

 

good luck with your foray! :D

Share this post


Link to post

Yes, please do elaborate (and others if you care to)... if you are not comfortable revealing on the forums, please feel free to PM. :)

 

We are interested in as many viewpoints and experiences as possible and appreciate how helpful everyone has been.

Share this post


Link to post

With regard to the different paces observation, we think that a six person [have never experienced this, you understand....] group with a tangle of bodies all pleasuring one another, would be a marvelous way to have pleasure with a meandering path toward satisfaction. The dynamics of the group might set the theme.

 

Do any of you have experience with such a scenario?

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...