Separate Room Swapping

[Sirena]

My significant other and I would like to swap with other couples. He is totally against same room sex as he said he doesn't want to see me having sex with another man and I don't think I'd feel comfortable or even enjoy the experience if we weren't in the same room together.

Has anyone ever had this dilemma before? If so, how did you deal with it? Is going off into separate rooms a usual situation.

[Nudesailing]

Depends on the couple. I can not imagine separate rooms, I want my support (hubby) there and I feel everything is OK as long as he is around.

[Sirena]

Nudesailing-for me it's the excitement of being able to look over at him or touch him or have him touching me while we're both with other people that I was hoping for. I just can't see how separate room sex would be fun. How can you concentrate on what you're doing while being distracted wondering what's going on in the other room?

The comfort level also factors in. I think I can enjoy it with my SO in the same bed , just knowing he's there if I start to feel overwhelmed or unprepared or uncomfortable with something. I would feel safe with him there and I'd be able to focus on having fun and not worry about the "what-ifs."

[good times]

Either one is ok and each has its advantages, we do each about 50/50.

As far as your dilemma goes you are just going to have to talk it out until you come up with a plan that you are both comfortable with. Of course, as soon as you get past that mile stone, and meet a couple that wants to play, you then have to take into consideration what they want to do and are comfortable with. I can tell you that most folks are going to only want to do same room. The reason we are 50/50 is that we have met a number of couples over time that either don't care one way or the other, or they prefer separate rooms like we do. It takes a while to find those couples though and even they usually will only do separate rooms after they get to know you and have played a time or two.

[d&dintn]

once you get turned on things have a way of working themselfs out, or at least into the same room. Try watching the other couple or viceversa than see how you feel.

[clutch]

Originally Posted by d&dintn

once you get turned on things have a way of working themselfs out, or at least into the same room. T

I agree with d&dintn... at least it's true for us; but every couple is different. (It wouldn't be any fun if we were all the same.)

We swing with just one other couple and since they live a little over an hour away, it's always at least one (sometimes 2) nights.

We almost always start out together with an orgy. But after that, we usually break off and kind of "date" our swing opposites. Unlike the porn stallions, we don't just have sex sex sex. We do other stuff too.

And if we are apart, when we do bump into each other, it's always hugs and kisses for our own spouses. We've done this for a while with just one couple (and before this couple, we were monogamous with another couple out on the coast). It saves a lot of grief and trust issues; plus there's the desease thing that we don't have to worry about as well.

This is just us, though. There are lots of couples who just want to same room swing, period.

[prettylady]

Maybe it is because I like the social part of swinging as much as the sexual part. But when everyone is done, I like the laying there for awhile and chatting. If my Dog and his partner were in a different room we would either have to yell at each other or one of the couples would have to get up and come into the other room and settle back down. This way we can all just roll over and chat.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Sirena

for me it's the excitement of being able to look over at him or touch him or have him touching me while we're both with other people that I was hoping for.

Hi Sirena, it's exactly the same for me. Same-room sex is especially great to my hubby and I because of the visuals of the entire experience (huge turn-on), and also because of the closeness and connection we feel even when we're playing with other people. I don't know how it works, but we can focus sexually on other partners while being very tuned into (connected to) each other at the same time. The people we play with are couples who feel the way we do about it - they love seeing each other having sex. We tend to intermingle (all of us) off and on through the play session with kisses, touches, and interesting positions. There's a lot of variety to it. It's not planned or staged this way, it just flows. Our being in the same room seems to cause both of us to be fueled more passionately for our playmates.

Originally Posted by Sirena

My significant other and I would like to swap with other couples. He is totally against same room sex as he said he doesn't want to see me having sex with another man

Does he say exactly WHY he doesn't want to see you having sex with another (while he's with another woman)? Will it make him feel jealous? Jealous about what, exactly? What else does he think he'll be feeling?

Originally Posted by Sirena

I don't think I'd feel comfortable or even enjoy the experience if we weren't in the same room together.

Since you two are far from the same page right now on what your swinging style will be as a couple, you'll really have to work that out before you could go further. If you can't work it out, it might mean that swinging just isn't for the two of you. Don't compromise your comfort level and go all-in with his style, going against how you feel just to make this happen - that never goes well.

Originally Posted by Sirena

Has anyone ever had this dilemma before? If so, how did you deal with it?

Not in my case, but I'm sure there have been plenty of couples who were at this impasse. I'd like to hear how they overcame it, too.

Originally Posted by Sirena

Is going off into separate rooms a usual situation.

It's not unusual. I believe it's not as popular a choice as same-room, but there are those who prefer separate room. Others go either way but usually still have a preference for one or the other.

There will be those who would say that wanting to experience swinging in the same room is for novices (newbies), and that savvy and more experienced swingers "graduate" to separate room swinging. That may be the experience of some, but not all.

For many of us, same-room swinging is a preference (regardless of level of experience in swinging). The preference is based on a number of things, including sexual variety you can't get with plain old swap (like 3some and 4some positions), the way many of us are sexually charged by our spouse in the same room, the visuals that turn us on, bisexual activity, feeling safe/comfortable with your spouse nearby as you described, and feeling like you just experienced something amazing together, as a couple.

There have been lots of threads on this board about same-room vs. separate room. What if you and your husband search for those here and read them together? This board can be a great resource when you are trying to figure things out as a couple. Reading here might open things up, give you both a lot more to think about and talk about.

Good luck to you.

[Alura]

I guess we're "equal opportunity" swingers. We like both same-room and separate-room play.

Usually, we've started out in separate rooms, especially with a new couple. This allows us the opportunity to communicate with our new partners, learn a bit about them, and approach same-room sex with better understanding.

Inter-marital sexual relations are all exciting, but I'm sure the most erotic sights I've seen have been Mrs. Alura with another partner.

Still, the times alone with the other wife have a charm of their own and I'd hate to have not enjoyed them.

Just call me wishy-washy.

Mr. Alura

[sexcupid]

At this point, we are separate room swap. That is what I am most comfortable with (the bf would be more than willing to be in the same room).

For me it's a level of distraction that another couple would bring being in the same room. And if I'm distracted, I will not reach orgasm (and honestly the odds of me getting to that point with someone that is not a full time partner is slim to nil as it is...nothing against the person I'm playing with...it all feels really good, it's just probably not going to happen). I mean damn, I get distracted if there's a porn playing in the background (which was happening at one couple's home when we went there to play). All doors were left open, there was a direct line of sight to the other room, so if any one wanted to watch all they had to do was look up and over. So I wasn't afraid for my safety or anything like that.

As we get more into this, and I am more comfortable in my skin, then I'm sure we will move onto same room. Although our first swap was with everyone present in the same place (we were out in public though) and I was ok with that. Of course, when you are at a place where pretty much everyone is out walking around naked anyway...I was just in a place that we were comfortable any way.

Ok, this is getting long...hopefully it helped?

Maria

[meandher2go]

we do the seperate room thing with couples we trust. we just wanna have fun. if it ends up thatway (seperate rooms), so be it

[gatorvol64]

We just can't imagine separate rooms. We like experiencing this as a couple....something we share. But who knows, I guess that could change. We didn't think we would be doing same room sex with other couples at one time either.

Vol

[LFM2]

We're also a couple that can't imagine being in separate rooms. I love the excitement of watching him and I like that he can watch me. It's something special between the two of us and we love to talk about it when we're on our way home or just brought up in conversation.

We definitely understand why some couples would prefer separate rooms and that's cool also. It's just not for us.

[twobears]

We like most of the swingers would only want to be in the same room,as to see one another with a play mate that is the erotic and excited for us as a couple. It is nothing wrong if you play in seperate rooms most couples that do have years experience in the lifestyle,it is very brave or foolish to start into something and not really want it. Please as one female to another never do anything that you feel uncomforable with!!! I was asked in the middle of a place session to let this woman sat on top of my hubby with no condom on,this is a very hard line for me. We had not been in the lifestyle very long and my husband felt that he was missing out on pleasure because of the condom thing,it took us talking and even being uncomfortable with each other in anger. We keep sharing our feelings about the issue,my husband understands why it is so improtant for me and he understands now fully. We were at a hot tub party and the other female was on my hubby's lap I was looking and knew what she wanted we had not talk about condom as we should have before our play session, I felt so proud of him as he said no to her.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by Sirena

My significant other and I would like to swap with other couples. He is totally against same room sex as he said he doesn't want to see me having sex with another man and I don't think I'd feel comfortable or even enjoy the experience if we weren't in the same room together.

Has anyone ever had this dilemma before? If so, how did you deal with it? Is going off into separate rooms a usual situation.

Hi Sirena,

Here's what might concern me a little, not knowing more about your situation. What is your SO's level of discomfort with seeing you with another man? Is it just that he doesn't think it will turn him on, or does he think he'd get upset? There is a big difference in those two types of feelings.

If he thinks he just won't get turned on, that's one thing. But if he really believes he'd be upset, then it's likely that separate rooms would be even worse for him. He'd be imagining it instead of just seeing it. The unseen is much more threatening for a lot of people. I've read lots of threads on this board where people got really worked up over what might be happening with their partners in a separate room with a new lover, thinking their SO is enjoying the new partner more than their permanent partner.

My opinion is that if you are new to swinging, you should start out slowly, in the same room, say with just kissing. See if any jealousy issues rear their heads. Then, move on if everyone wants to.

If for no other reason, your SO should be willing to do same room with any new couple to make sure you are safe and nothing weird happens. Once you feel comfortable with them, separate rooms might be more appealing to you than they are right now.

When Mr. Fuse and I first started talking about swinging, we both thought we would dislike seeing the other having sex with someone else. I guess I still thought about it as if he'd be betraying me on some level, and I think he felt the same. The key, whether it's same room or separate rooms, is knowing that a swing partner is not a threat to your relationship.

For what it's worth, when we started swinging we couldn't believe how much we liked seeing each other with swing partners. Now, we do mostly same room, but separate when everyone wants to. There's one couple we trust very much, and being in a separate room with him is absolutely mind-blowing for me. So you might decide you like separate rooms at some point, too.

You and your SO do need to agree on a plan that you're both comfortable with before getting into a swinging situation. One or both of you might worry a little bit about how you'll feel going in. That is okay as long as you're only worrying a little, and willing to try, not dead set against the approach you're taking.

You should read some of the threads on jealousy if you haven't already.

I hope this helps!