she agrees ...but wants to swing seperately

[madones]

Advice please..
We have been married for 10 years and,over the years the topic of swinging has arrisen many times moreso latley. We communacate very well and are very open and honest. My wife had very little in the way of sexual experience when we married. and I have devloped a fantasy to see her with another man. So I figure lets kill 2 birds with one stone and suggest we let her experience the feel of another man and I get to live out my fantasy with maybee the option of joining in if she wants.

She admits to wanting to experience another man but the only way she will move foward is to not have me there at all and the moment be private to her and whoever...

I don't feel comfortable with this and this is not an option for me as I figure it is "our" sex life we are expanding and this is not sharing the experience..??
and figure this is a "win win" situation

Im I being to posessive.?? Or is this just a no win situation we should walk away from.?

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal. He however is not comfortable with me fixing this experience problem on my own. I think we are at an impasse. I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

[SuAndBud]

Neither of you appear secure at all. Engaging in swinging activities at this time would not help you at all in our opinion.

From our own experience and that of the board, generally we believe, you need to talk more and find a level you are BOTH comfortable with before either of you consents to sex with another.

Sex with another behind closed doors is usually (tho not always) something beyond "normal" swinging practice.

That's our opinion, but we don't (and can't) really know your full circumstances, attitudes and relationship.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by madones

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal. He however is not comfortable with me fixing this experience problem on my own. I think we are at an impasse. I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

Wow.

Your sex life is your own, and you are married? So you are saying he has no say in your sex life as your husband? Sounds more like you want to have an affair, swinging isn't about shitting on your spouses wishes. This isn't about controlling your sex life, he is your husband, its not EASY to let your wife have sex with another man, not the first time, and its sure as hell a disaster in the making if you want to go off and do it alone.

Quit being so selfish.

[driveajeepnaked]

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal.

What about if he isn't just sitting in the corner, but right there in the trenches with you, with both men playing and caressing you? Would that make it any easier on either one of you to deal with?? Just an idea...

[ShellyM]

Have ya'll thought about playing with another couple? That way hubby and wife are enjoying themselves....other than that this is an issue only you 2 can work out. Best of luck to you.

[Better Half]

Swinging is a fantasy for both partners (with fair participation). Unless he gets a thrill out of just knowing that you are having sex with another man, this would not be a fair participation.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by madones

Advice please..
We have been married for 10 years and,over the years the topic of swinging has arrisen many times moreso latley. We communacate very well and are very open and honest. My wife had very little in the way of sexual experience when we married. and I have devloped a fantasy to see her with another man. So I figure lets kill 2 birds with one stone and suggest we let her experience the feel of another man and I get to live out my fantasy with maybee the option of joining in if she wants.

So far, so good.

Originally Posted by madones

She admits to wanting to experience another man but the only way she will move foward is to not have me there at all and the moment be private to her and whoever...I don't feel comfortable with this and this is not an option for me as I figure it is "our" sex life we are expanding and this is not sharing the experience..??and figure this is a "win win" situation

OK...first of all, swinging is about respect. For each other. One does not get what they want and tells the other partner, "Tough shit. I don't care what you want, as long as I get my way". Swinging is a unilateral drift in one direction by both parties. In my relationship, my husband and I BOTH agree on whats going to happen, and if one of us disagrees, nothing happens at all.

Originally Posted by madones

Im I being to posessive.?? Or is this just a no win situation we should walk away from.?

Mr. Madones, personally, this is unfortunately one of those situation where your fantasy is probably better left a fantasy. If you two can't agree on what should happen, then NOTHING should happen at all. It's not about being possessive. Neither my husband or I is possessive, but we do want to be sure that each of us is happy and that WE agree what's going to happen. This is not a win-win situation for you, but it would be for her. Swinging is not about YOU or ME. It's about "US".

Originally Posted by madones

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal. He however is not comfortable with me fixing this experience problem on my own. I think we are at an impasse. I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

Mrs. Madones, excuse my french, but I'm gonna have to call bullshit on your part of the thread. The idea of swinging is to agree on things with your partner. Your post reads like you're wanting to have an affair with your husbands permission. Where's the respect in that? I thought this was your husbands fantasy and he wanted to include you in it. Why don't you want to include him in it? Your married for gawds sakes! Your sex life is shared, is it not? It's not yours and it's not his. It's a co-owned experience that is SHARED between the two of you. Your post makes you sound self centered and disrespectful.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by madones

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal. He however is not comfortable with me fixing this experience problem on my own. I think we are at an impasse. I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

Mrs. madones, the reason I am addressing you solely is because I feel that the problem lies with you. Please don't take offense at this, as, hopefully, you will soon see that you are not a victim in this...I'm only hoping to make you aware of the power you are actually being offered in this situation.

When my husband first suggested swinging to me - specifically, his fantasy to see me having sex with another man - I was deeply offended. I thought he didn't care about me if he just wanted to pass me around like a chunk of meat ot other men that neither of us even knew. I felt that he was asking a great deal of me, and that the only way I would be able to do that was by degrading myself. I thought this was what he was asking of me: to degrade myself to simply appease his fantasy.

Nothing could have been further from the truth!

By suggesting this fantasy to you, your husband is NOT asking something of you; he is giving you a gift. He is offering back the very thing that you wish to hoard to yourself. He WANTS you to relish your sexuality. This brings him feelings of deep pleasure to know that you are living the fullest life you possibly can...and he has done his part to make that possible. All he is asking is that you do not push him away and deny him the joy of seeing you happy. Yes! It IS your sexuality! He knows that, and that's what he's been trying to tell you. He wants to give it back to you, and is telling you that he is not going to cage you anymore...but you are disrespecting your husband's good intentions by demanding the gift that he is freely giving you.

Mrs. madones, my advice would be to take a hard look at what it is that makes you reluctant to share this experience with your husband. Is it fear that he will not accept your sexuality in its rawest form? Do you need to fall in love with your other partner to enjoy it? Or is it what I mentioned above, that you are resenting his "askance" of you? Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him and find out for sure what the real problem is between you.

Swinging is an amazing opportunity for couples to spur the growth of emotional intimacy in their relationship, and it would be a shame if you didn't take full advantage of that. But I'd advise you to not go any further with fulfilling this fantasy until you are both satisfied that any conflicts between you are resolved. Take conflicts and misunderstandings into swinging and watch as they grow into marriage-shattering problems.

[apraskov]

Mrs. Madones, please take my opinion with a grain of salt. I am not an experienced swinger. The pros here have already given you a great advice or opinion. But, based on what I know, feel and believe, one more thing raised a red flag for me:

Originally Posted by madones

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything.

What is the thing that you are concerned that you may be missing on?

It is very possible that at some point you will meet someone that has better technique than your husbands, or has more inches where it counts, or is more intelligent or more attractive or whatever. And then what? If you are not satisfied in any way with your current relationship you should communicate your feelings to your husband. As it was said already, swinging will enhance and add to what you already have. The only problem with this is that it will do the same for your problems.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by madones

From the wife -
I have only ever had my husband and would like to know I am not missing out on anything. Unfortunately the idea of my husband sitting in the corner watching me have sex with someone else does not appeal. He however is not comfortable with me fixing this experience problem on my own. I think we are at an impasse. I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

I believe your wife expressed pretty well why she isn't up to it... I don't see what else are you looking for in this forum... bot to get support to convince her from us, and if so... then, this alone would be "another example" of you trying to control your wife's sex life.

From your wife words, the pick for the word "example" means she feels there's a systematic attempt to control her sexuality. It doesn't matter if she's right or wrong about those feelings, what matters is that she feels this, and this hardly would be there if you weren't contributting to this. As a result, you actually ARE a controller.

If you want something like this to work, first you'd have to give up your controlling desires. How far? Whell, SHE will tell you when, once she feels resured you're not trying to control her. At this point, it should be OK for you to take a "no" for an answer and accept the fact that you may NOT fulfill your fantasies, ever. And this IS a requirement for something like this to work out.

JUST THEN, think again about this MMF encounter.

[Amanda69]

We communacate very well and are very open and honest.

Well you have the base covered, the problem is what you are communicating is that you both want different things.

Swinging should be about mutual enjoyment for the couple. Doing things together or separately that you both get something from and in the end enhances the relationship not causes a rift.

Watching your partner have sex is more often about enjoying the scene, being a voyeur, about having your own private live porn movie staring your loved one. I am curious as to why you (female) feel it is a control issue? Are we missing facts about the relationship that may lead us also to the same conclusion?

I must admit that alarm bells do go up at this statement

I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

You are married, in a committed and hopefully loving relationship. Your sex life is for both of you this is a basic shared component in your partnership. It does sound both selfish and has many possible underlying issues attached.

Sounds like you have a lot more communicating to do. By the way this involves listening more than it does talking...

[turnuptheheat]

What you are looking for are two totally different things, with the common thread of sex.
"He" wants to try swinging, "she" wants to have sex outside of marriage.
Not the same page, not even the same book.

[wiscpl]

WOW, so many alarm bells go off when I read this thread and it's not so much from the original posters but from the respondents. Neither the husband or wife in this situation are making an unreasonable request. Where they fail is to find a common situation that meets half way.

The husband here has given his wife an opportunity to enjoy the pleasures of another man so that she can find out if she has missed out on something in her life. However, she would like this without his presence. Most conventional sex carried out between a man and a woman is done in private between just the two of them. How can she feel as if she's missed out on anything if she has someone watching over her? Especially her husband. If he truly feels she has missed out on life then he should let this fantasy become a reality but on her terms. If she becomes comfortable later on down the road with including him in this then thats wonderful.

Here's what so alarming to me. I can't count the number of threads on here where new people (especially the male half) have posted about their new desires to enter into swinging. The overwhelming response has been to go at the womans pace. Why is this any different? She's willing to try it but on her own grounds. Lets not forget which gender rules the roost in the lifestyle.

I would suggest a possible solution. Let her find someone suitable to fulfill this fantasy. When she returns home she should share every detail with her husband and explain her feelings to him. This may lead to some very passionate love making as many of us know sharing the experience afterwards can be more exciting than the act itself. A suggestion would be for the wife to video tape this for her husband to view when she returns. This way he could view the tape and fulfill his fantasy of watching his wife with another man.

Marriage is about compromise and without that your success in swinging, and your marriage, is sure to fail.

I think my husband wanting to watch is an example of him trying to control my sex life and I consider my sex life, my own - not ours.

Society places high regard to an individuals rights, especially when it relates to ones body. Whom a person chooses to share there sex with is there right, not an obligation.

Or is this just a no win situation we should walk away from.?

If you can not come to an agreement there is no doubt you walk away from this. It sounds like you have a strong marriage and should be happy with what you have.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by wiscpl

If you can not come to an agreement there is no doubt you walk away from this. It sounds like you have a strong marriage and should be happy with what you have.

Sorry wiscpl. Although I love your avatar , I'm afraid this is the only bit that I can agree on.

Their relationship is none of my business, and I have no stake in what happens to it. But I do like to help if I can. I have no idea if they'll find anything I said useful or not (maybe it'll just piss them off?), but all I can do is offer the perspective I have. Posting a problem on this board give the OP a prism effect; ideas are bounced back at them from all sorts of angles, often at opposite angles, like ours.

I disagree that women should rule the roost. ( ) Ideally, it should be split right down the middle 50/50, both men and women treating one another as absolute equals. This is what I love about the lifestyle, just how level the playground is. If anyone is given veto power, it should have nothing to do with gender, but everything to do with who is the least comfortable or stands to be more badly hurt. Often, this is the woman. So be it. The fact that they are physically less imposing than most men are, of course, should be taken into consideration, too. But all things considered, I greatly prefer ignoring the whole gender issue.

Originally Posted by wiscpl

Society places high regard to an individuals rights, especially when it relates to ones body. Whom a person chooses to share there sex with is there right, not an obligation.

I agree. A man or woman is never obligated to open their body sexually to anyone if they choose not to. No one owns my sexuality except me. I realize that, and so does my husband. But when two people choose to become married, what exactly is it that they are sharing that makes it worth saying they are married? Owning a house together and living in it? Kids? Shared expenses and increased material gain? Is this not just a "marriage of convenience"? Maybe I'm a sentimental sap, but I feel that marriage should not be about any of these things, but about a emotional and spiritual union between two consenting people. Sex is, like, THE greatest communication tool that we have! It makes sense that two people would want to use that to communicate to one another. In Mr. intuition's and my case, we adore one another. I love him so much, I am willing to subject my sexuality to his desires. In other words, I love him more than myself, and everything that I have and everything that I am IS HIS. This is all I have to offer him, and I only wish it was more. I trust him to not abuse this privelege (as I have the power to take back this gift if, at any time, I feel he is unworthy of it). He loves me enough to use this gift responsibly, and to not allow selfishness on his part to detract from my quality of life. If he said that he did not want me to ever have sex with another person for as long as we lived, then I would willingly do that for him. In this, my sexuality is NOT MY OWN. This does not degrade me (I would not, however, agree to allowing my body to be abused carelessly). But he realizes that hoarding me to himself in that way does nothing for him, and it does nothing for me. It just appeases insecurities that should not be there in the first place. So he puts aside thoughts of himself and does what is right for me: he allows me to moderate my own sexuality.

This is very difficult to explain. To put it simply I guess, we are one another's sex slaves, and in turn, we are each very responsible and caring masters. A lot of people think of a slave/master relationship as being about whips and chains and that kind of stuff, and that it is degrading to the slave. The truth is that it's a very loving and nurturing bond, where there is no disrespect or degradation. It is entered into 100% voluntarily, as a gift, not an askance.

This has been kind of a revelation as I'm typing this, actually. I've never defined my relationship with Mr. intuition in this way before. But I can't deny the truth of it.

[good times]

Originally Posted by wiscpl

Here's what so alarming to me. I can't count the number of threads on here where new people (especially the male half) have posted about their new desires to enter into swinging. The overwhelming response has been to go at the womans pace. Why is this any different? She's willing to try it but on her own grounds. Lets not forget which gender rules the roost in the lifestyle.

While I agree with the often repeated advice that couples proceed in the lifestyle at the slowest ones pace, I dissagree with the equally often repeated idea that women rule the roost in swinging.

Originally Posted by wiscpl

I would suggest a possible solution. Let her find someone suitable to fulfill this fantasy. When she returns home she should share every detail with her husband and explain her feelings to him. This may lead to some very passionate love making as many of us know sharing the experience afterwards can be more exciting than the act itself. A suggestion would be for the wife to video tape this for her husband to view when she returns. This way he could view the tape and fulfill his fantasy of watching his wife with another man.

If this were a "hot wife" forum, I am sure that is exactly the advice they would have received to this question. This is a swingers forum though, in the context of swinging, which is what this forum is all about, I don't believe that this scenario you propose is the optimum way to approach their problem.

I further want to say that I agree with the others in that I see alot of red flags in the original post which indicate that much more communication needs to happen before they either proceed in this, or decide to let it go and have it remain a fantasy.