I need help convincing the wife that swinging is not morally wrong

[gr8guynbham]

I have wanted to try this lifestyle for a few years now, but everytime I mention it to my wife, she says it's wrong. What can I do to change her mind? Should I just give up on the idea and accept that our sex life will be average at best? Any help would be appreciated.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by gr8guynbham

I have wanted to try this lifestyle for a few years now, but everytime I mention it to my wife, she says it's wrong. What can I do to change her mind?

Probably nothing...

The idea of swinging can be morally repulsive to some, threatening to others. Which ever it is to your wife - it is very unlikely that you will get her to change. Do the two of you look at pornography together? This can be a great way to get "inside her head" so you can know what she fantasizes about. If her fantasies involve others, there may be a chance - if they involve just the two of you and bubble baths, then chances are she isn't going to budge.

Originally Posted by gr8guynbham

Should I just give up on the idea and accept that our sex life will be average at best?

Absolutely not!

Mrs Spoomonkey and my sex life was incredible BEFORE swinging - and I really believe that it will be incredible when we fade out of the lifestyle.

Swinging is not a fix for an average sex life. Far from it! You can have an incredibly hot sex life, if the two of you want it, without ever involving anyone else in your bedroom.

I think back on a dance contest that was held at our club some time ago. There were some really sexy women who stripped down to nothing, but the girl who won, hands down, didn't have the best body and didn't take off a stitch of clothing. She didn't have to. She had the attitude and the moves to make all the men in the room drool without showing us anymore than we'd see at the mall.

How does that tie in here?

A hot sex life isn't based on how wild the things are that you do - it is based on attitude, want and having the right moves. My honest advice would be to get to the point where you don't look at your marriage and say that it is "average at best." When you get to the point where your sex life is exciting, vibrant, alive, "mind-blowing at worst" then chances are, you won't care that swinging isn't something she wants... Or you may just find that she has emerged enough sexually, found a level of comfort and confidence that she actually opens up to the idea...

But you have to put first things first.

Spoomonkey

[Alura]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Gr8guynbham. We're glad you're here and hope you and your wife will both join us in our discussions. I promise y'all won't be bored. Please stop by our Introductions Forum and tell us more about yourselves.

Only time and communication, huge helpings of both, will change her mind, Gr8guynbham. My suggestion is that you continue to invest both, but don't pressure her. If the two of you don't ask the other questions because you fear the reaction, communication without fear must be your first step. Here's something that worked for us for over twenty-five years.

We agreed on our second date, when we both thought this relationship was "going somewhere," to never get angry when the other asked a question and to always answer questions completely.

Read other threads on this subject here on the board. A lot of good ideas have been suggested on this very subject.

Mr. Alura

[DBL D]

I think it's a pretty sure bet that if your wife isn't into looking at, reading about or talking about sex, either yours or your friends , that you won't "get" her to enjoy the lifestyle.

Maybe the first thing to "work" on are your feelings as to what sex and love really mean and then to try to separate the two. If she has deep-seated religious feelings then it will be even more difficult. The swinger has to have a level of sexual awareness of themself and others. It would be nice to start with good self esteem. If people don't consider themselves sexual in nature, I don't know how to change that thought process.

Even though Fem D had never thought of sharing with others, she had a good sex drive and wanted to experiment with different types of activities. It still took a while for her to want to attend a dance, or play, but she got there. Now things seem much more relaxed, but it's been two years in the making. I'm sure if she was faced with some of the same decisions now as she was in the early days, she may have made different ones. It's all about growth.

Very Important Item: The couple needs to use swinging as a way to enhance their sex life, not use it as a way to fix a mediocre sexlife.

Just a bunch of ideas, some I think have helped us and some others that don't apply to us. This board was a big help, in some ways, but I think it sorta scared her too.

Too many warnings, etc.

Good luck.

Male D

[coolbamacpl]

In a nut shell. This a simple problem. First forget your feelings, desires, and fantasies because your already sold. She has fantasies and thoughts. Find out what they are! In your love making play act on them. For example: If she wants a double penetration. Get her a anal vibrator, be gentle, and talk to her when love making. She will come around. It's called turning her out. It may take a drink and to be with someone she finds attractive already. Find the key to the inner lost undiscovered city. The best benefit is the confidence, reward, and benefits of a more secure relationship.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by gr8guynbham

Should I just give up on the idea and accept that our sex life will be average at best?

You sex life is going to be what YOU make of it. If the best YOU can do is average then I am betting that is all you should expect out of it.

Swinging is not going to make your sex life better. That is something only the two of you can do for each other and yourselfs.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by coolbamacpl

In a nut shell. This a simple problem. First forget your feelings, desires, and fantasies because your already sold. She has fantasies and thoughts. Find out what they are! In your love making play act on them. For example: If she wants a double penetration. Get her a anal vibrator, be gentle, and talk to her when love making. She will come around. It's called turning her out. It may take a drink and to be with someone she finds attractive already. Find the key to the inner lost undiscovered city. The best benefit is the confidence, reward, and benefits of a more secure relationship.

coolbamacpl has some great ideas for coaxing your wife out of her shell, but I'd still offer up a word of warning: drawing her our of her shell still won't ease her sense of guilt after the fact if she still feels that it's wrong. In fact, she may hold it against you. For some, giving in to sexual urges, no matter how much they might like to, is simply wrong. I don't agree with her opinion, and it sounds like neither do you, but she still has a right to her opinion and her peace of mind. You can't change anyone's mind; only they can do that. And if she doesn't want to change her mind, you're plum out of luck.

Your best bet would be to explain to her exactly why you want to do this. And I mean exactly. If it's just because you want more sex, better sex, or just different sex, she probably won't go for it. I wouldn't either. No one likes to feel like they're not enough for their partner. If she really isn't enough for you, you have bigger things to worry about than swinging.

See if she will talk about why she feels that it's wrong, and explain why you disagree. Do NOT pressure her or try to shoot down her defenses. It will be most unappreciated. Tell her about this board and ask her to have a look at it. Have her post her own questions and concerns and get to know some of the people here who really enjoy the lifestyle. Many of us shared the same point of view she has now. The issue of morality, ethics, and religion have been addressed here numerous times, and there have been plenty of intelligent arguments made either way. I'm sure she'd enjoy reading them. She can find what she's looking for in either the FAQ section or through the site search (drop down menu at the top of the page).

Best of luck gr8guy!