when is the right time to say the relationship is over??

[azwildcat]

well, it seems that there is a few of us in the board that are
having family problem's now a day's.
but for those who's relationship is far to gone to repair.
when is the right time to say it's over?? if there is one.
is it when the lie's and untrusting is to much to deal with
anymore or when all else is lost? can it be worked out at all,
when you've been pushed to the edge?

[alabamafuntonig]

az
i did not know this are you ok , im not sure i know what to say but you said a lot of things that made me feel better. i dont want mine over i want to work it out what about you do you want to work it out

[azwildcat]

yeah, bama, i'm ok and sure i'd love to i've been with him for 7yrs, but it just seems it just all keeps happening over and over again with him , he'll be ok for a few week's then it's the same old bullshit over again.
i love him very much yes, but i can't take it anymore. i've cried so, much that i can't anymore. i know that we need to get away from eachother for a while that's for sure, i've tried just going for a drive by myself, but he'll get all bent out of shape and give me the 5th degree on where i'm going and who am i going to go see.
i seriously don't know anymore.

i'm also thinking of our kids and how it would affect them as well this morning i was just out of here and didn't give any thought to anything or anyone but i've somewhat calmed down so, i can think clearly now. still not an easy decision to make

[alabamafuntonig]

gee are you sure your not my wife! wait shes been gone for 4 days now! well us men are hard to understand and change is a slow thing for some of us. we all love our wifes deep down(i know i do) sometimes we need direction of sorts. a firm line drawn in the sand and be told not to cross it. we men have a hard time reading minds but we do a good job at sreawing them up. my point i guess is that maybe you could write a note of rules for your hubby .like you said for me to write a note to my wife! it works both ways i think! maybe if my wife were to write those things down everweek that botherd her maybe just a paragragh or 2 we could have resolved those issues at hand then insted of going threw this now.

my advice take out your typing program and stress 2 things for hubby to work on this week. and when he does work on them make sure you let him know you care he did . then next week at the same time write him another 2 etc etc etc. untill all your troubles get solved!

[azwildcat]

oh, bama, i wish it was that easy for me . you see what i suggested to you i have already tried plus all this isn't something that just happened over the last few month's, but over the last few yrs. hell, i'm still here yeah, but it just seems that thing's haven't changed but just got worse. oh, believe me i tell him how i feel, but all the talking in the world does no good if no one is listening
he seems to justify whatever he does with something else that happen's to be going on at the same time. it doesn't make sence to me. heck, at one point he said that he did what he did cuz i needed to change. hell, he's the envy of all his friend's cuz i'm bi and i've heard them say how lucky he is, but it still isn't enough i guess. i hope that when he comes home from work that maybe it'll be different, i hope

[alabamafuntonig]

true but dont give up maybe just let it be for a bit then try it out of the blue. I know im atalker and i get excited when i talk i know i say things to inflame a small situation and make it worse. thats why i tried the letters. maybe if tthe requests were written they may just get threw. what do you have to lose at this point!

[azwildcat]

true, at this point not much other then my mind or my voice if we yell or my hand if i punch him and he bite's me or well, i could go on and on. so, i'll stop with that.
ok, my shoe if he tighten's up, when i kick his ass, ok that was the last one

[alabamafuntonig]

az

you see im on the recieving end of the same thing you know that. we have veiws from both ends . dont lose your cool. it will work out trust me. ( tie a big string on your shoe so you can pull it out)

[azwildcat]

bama, thank's i needed to laugh and your right i should just try to keep my cool, but that's if i can
yeah, seems we are, aren't we. hell, we should write a book together giving both side's of it.
i just keep telling myself that this is just a bad dream and i'll wake soon.
i guess that it's all up to how much he is willing to make it work now, cuz i never give up without a fight.
(well, when i calm down,anyhow)

[wrnakedru]

All of us who have chosen to pursue lifestyle activities have recognized that love/marriage vs. sex are separate issues, and can be broken apart and viewed as such.

The thing that only those who have gone down the road, and gone through a divorce recognize is that love and marriage are also two separate issues and can be broken apart and viewed as such.

First recognize that both are "decisions", not vehicles that carry us through our lives without us being in control.

And realize that we can "love", and choose always to continue loving someone - but we can recognize that the "marriage" part of that love is no longer an option.

We can love someone without it requiring a 100% commitment to that love on a 24 hr basis. Our love for our parents is a good example of this; once we are no longer under the same roof we do continue to feel the love for them, but it is not where our energies are focused.

A marriage deserves and must have a 100% commitment from both parties to be viable, and to be successful. If and when one is not, and can no longer remain commited to it, it is time to recognize that marriage has failed, and is over. That can happen for multiple reasons; a breach of trust resulting in a loss of faith is the most non-recoverable cause.

Certainly both parties contribute to the ultimate failure of a marriage. Many times both become so mentally and emotionally programmed in response to each other, that neither can even envision or allow for changes to occur. It is only necessary to discern the root problems, and attempt to solve them, if both parties are 100% commited to the continuance of the marriage.

Otherwise, bickering over the details only clutters the road that leads to the future. Hopefully and rightfully, that future should mean a happier existence for each - but separately. It is non-productive to allow the bickering to continue until each become completely indifferent to the other.

The hardest part is to go ahead and go through with the divorce, even while rationally recognizing it is the best, and only logical solution. Allow yourself the new knowledge, (hard to wrap your brain around), that the love can be allowed (you have shared so much of yourselves, it should not be denied) but the marriage is done.

To allow it to be dragged out, and drag it on, going through the same non-reconcilable problems over and over, for years on end is akin to beating a dead horse.

Marriage is like school, because you learn daily from it. And like school, marriage cannot be sustained simply by your physical attendance. If your brain, your emotions, and your commitment are not behind it 100% - your physical attendance means nothing.

Just some random thoughts from someone who has "been there, done that". With the additional admonition: no one else can or has to live your life, only you. So you must make the decisions for yourself based on your standards, and in a manner you can live with for the rest of your life.

Friends, relatives and acquaintances can lend an ear, offer a shoulder, and give advice that can help or harm. But make your choice, your decision, for yourself.

[alabamafuntonig]

we could write a book as long as you spell check it for me! anger issues are not always easy to control like some people say they are! but for our sake we need to try even harder. we need to be in control and not do ny thing we will regret

[M&B]

Az, Bama, you both have kids. They are the most important consideration. Not your feelings- not your spouse's.

Keep this in mind at all times!!!!!!! They did not cause the problems within your marriages. But, they very well could come to the conclusion, on their very own, that they are at fault. Don't ask how. It simply happens.

Please remember them while you are making very serious decisions. Kids have enough problems these days. Problems at home, where they are supposed to feel safe, secure, surrounded by a stable environment, can snowball on them.

It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

[OhioCouple]

I agree with "EVERYTHING" that Wrakedru and M&B had to advise.

The one thing I can say about 'all' failed relationships in my past, I just 'knew' it in my heart. There comes a certain point where you just can't get up and feel good about yourself or your surroundings anymore and you walk. Everyone's walking point is different.

While I do hope you all can work out your problems, as M&B stated, you have children and they should come first and not be put in the middle of ANYTHING. As much as I despised my first husband, I never once did, or talked anything bad about their father. It was hell at times and took a lot of self control, but it worked out well. They grew up, got over the wanting to gain his respect and saw him for what he really is. None of my children have regular contact with him and that is by their choice, I had nothing to do with it.

Ya'll sound as though you care for your kids, so make sure you take them into consideration when you are tiffing or if you do split up for good.

It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.

That couldn't have been said better.

[alabamafuntonig]

i also aggree very much with the statements posted. my children know me and when my duaghter asked me last night if i was coming home( ill remind the board i was at home they left) and mom said no we looked at eachother and she was sad..i cried for hours after that. i hope i never go threw this and i hope the children will never remember these last few days

[wrnakedru]

The kids are the number one heartbreaking element in a divorce.
And yes, somehow or another, they for a time may think they are the cause of it. Most usually if they are still very young and in no way understand all the interwoven intricacies of a marriage relationship.
And no, they in no way are equipped to deal with the pain of Mommy and Daddy not being together. (Mommy and Daddy have a hard enough time dealing with that, and they're the grownups.)

Children learn what male-female relationships and marriages are by the example in front of them.

If one of the most important factors we attempt to instill in our children is a positive self-esteem then one would have to acknowledge Mrs. O was able to teach that to her children. Had she stayed in the marriage she describes, would that lesson have ever had credence?

If the marriage environment is insupportable and negative, the better and more positive atmosphere for all - especially the children, is elsewhere.

Our words to our children are meaningless if our lives do nothing to exemplify them.

And of course if the marriage can be repaired, and strengthened, and good - that is the best solution of all. And from it they can learn not to tuck tail and run just because things get tough.

One must take care not to combine the worst of all possible worlds and try to exist in it.

Again ...
Our words to our children are meaningless if our lives do nothing to exemplify them.