when is the right time to say the relationship is over??

[azwildcat]

sorry everybody i've been gone for a couple of day's.
to up date ya'll on how thing's are here with my hubby and myself we are talking now which is better then yelling and we both are going to take a week off from eachother in hope's that maybe the time off will clear up thing's for us.
as everyone has posted about thinking of the kids, we are. but we also can't stay together for them as later that might cause problem's as well and we don't want any resentment of any kind besides it's never a good idea to stay together because you have kids yes, consider them, but don't make a decision that will hurt them in the long run.
i know this cuz my parent's did this, they stayed together for us kids and to tell you the truth we all wish they hadn't we had to go through all the fight's and all the bullshit of them doing this for us yeah, we had both parent's but we had everything as well.

anyhow we are talking everything out and hope that this break will help to clear are head's and help to give us the strentgh to get through this no matter what the out come is.

to all who have given their advice i thank you all

[saranmark]

It's a noble thought to stay together for your children's sake, but not realistic, nor even responsible. I too, had parents who attempted to do so, and I attempted to do so in my first marriage. It very seldom works out, and even when the couple does manage to hold it together for the kids, it is a bad situation-- not fun for anyone!

Even though my first husband and I tried to only fight "behind closed doors", our son knew that we were fighting. What it finally boiled down to for me, was that I didn't want him to grow up and think that such a troubled, unhappy marriage was normal. I didn't want him to accept such a thing willingly for himself someday simply because he grew up with it.

There are many different ways to go about doing what is best for your children!

SARA

[azwildcat]

i know that is true, thats why we are not trying to work things out because of the kids, but because of us.
i've been married three times and i know that staying together for the kids, is never a good idea, plus i aslo know when to say good bye and move on.{sometimes}
it's just always hard to do no matter if it's your first time doing it or your tenth, never easy either way.

[alabamafuntonig]

i too want to work things out for us, the kids yes but its true were will the kids be happiest! sometimes our minds are clouded and sometimes only pain is what we see . its good to step back and look from someone elses eyes ,preferable your childrens and wonder what if!

[azwildcat]

yes, but you also have to think that children are very aware of everything that goes on especially those of a teenage age.
my oldest daughter knows when her dad and i are fighting, even if we don't yell in front of them, sometimes it's the silence from both of us that clues her of it.
we are thinking of our kids, we already discussed all of it this past weekend.
we are also thinking about what will be best for all of us, not just me or him or even the kids, but all of us as a family.

we don't want to make any choices that will hurt anyone in the long run, whether it's being together or not.

[azwildcat]

well, the week is over and we're back together in the same house and school will be starting for the kids real soon.

it seems that this week off from eachother has done some good we talk more about how stressed out we are and how we feel about other things that have caused some of this probelms.
all is still not great but we are going to work at saving our marriage
one thing i found out this past week i do love him even if sometimes i'd like to run him over we've been through a lot together and from what he's said to me when he came home he feels the same way i do about us and my feelings for him.
i'm not saying all this is over but with time we both hope it will be behind us someday soon.

i want to thank all of you who gave me advice and who cared enough to private message me as well.

a "BIG THANK'S" & hug's and kisses to all !!!!!

[windsor4fun2]

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

Jesse

[azwildcat]

thank's, Jesse,
i hope it does too!!

[alabamafuntonig]

good luck az

you seem to be better off with that happening.

[azwildcat]

thank's, bama,

i hope all will be ok with you too!
i'll still keep you in my prayers, we all need a happy ending.

this is the first step to working it out with us, but who knows how rough this hurdle will be to over come, but i think we are taking the right steps to doing so.

[alabamafuntonig]

well az
its all you can do if you both want it it will work out.

it appears as of 1 hour ago my wife does not want this too work so it probly wont. at least that is what she told her niece! she says too me she is so confussed and depressed over this ,so im probly going to give her what she thinks she needs. im going to work on it but if she leaves i wont chase her this time i will let her go. its looking that way that she came home only to get her stuff toghether and get away from the problem at the other place she was staying. she came back in more confusion than she left,she told me that much ,she said she is leaving more messed up than when she left! she ran away with the intention of being with this other man from the couple and ended up "falling in love" now the other man does not want her or says it can never be worth losing a wife over so now she is back and depressed over him. this is the most fucked up thing i know. she says she has feelings for him but loves me but there not the same any more and that he is her soul mate! she dont think she can handle it. he dont want to talk to her any more and she dont want to talk to me about it,and i really dont want to know about her feelings of dissapointment that another guy does not want her! but i do anyway i listen im there and i will be till she leaves again! its only a matter of time. i can love her all i want and try to give her what she wants but deep down i know im second best and that does not feel good when you gave some one over 7 years of your life and have children toghether. she is confussed she dont care how i feel and she is not concerned on how i take what she has to say. it goes beyond remorse she is crying over another man in my house. she has been back 2 days and she wont stop being depressed over him or showing me she dont want this too work. she said she is going to try that she does not have an oputunity to be with him so she is stuck. she says i love you but i can see it in her eyes she is just saying it and that she does not mean it. i dont know any more but i will stay were i am and i will try myhardest to get threw this maybe she will"snap out of it" like she says but she wants to sleep and make me feel like shit over this by playing love songs and making emotional comments like" im trying to cope with the way i feel for him " or she says "im so confussed i did not mean to have feelings for him i thought he had feelings for me i was douped" oh well ill live

[azwildcat]

bama,

i feel for you sweetie, the only advice i can give you is to hang in there, maybe she'll realize the big mistake she made and come to her sences. you should tell her that if she plans on trying to work out anything she should stop with her pity shit and concentrate on you. it's nice of you to listen to her even if it's bullshit that she's talking about him like that to you.
i'm sorry, bama,
but it just makes me mad to think she's hurting you like this. i really wish i could do something to help you, sweetie, your the sweetest guy i know on this board and to be going through this also hurts me, cuz i know the pain your going through and you've become a special person in my life, even if we might not know eachother, i feel like we do.
whenever you need someone to talk to i'll be here for you ok.
just hang in there ok , don't give up!!

to tell you the truth, she doesn't deserve you!!!
not someone as wonderful as you !!!

[alabamafuntonig]

i dont know what to say az thanks

it is a pity party and im the only guest! i love her so much it hurts to let her do this and it hurts for her to leave! If she really wants to work this out i will find out tonight! if she pulls a pity party i am going to let her go,if she says she wants to work on it im going to tell her i do too so lets forget what happend and concentrate on us! if she cant i dont think im going to go threw this any longer! ill stay as long as i can take it but no longer! she can blame me!she can call me a asshole but i wont tolerate a lie ! she told me what happend and she feels guilty! she feels lost becouse someone else made her feel special for a week or so ! i was there for 7 years . threw thick and thin. i did my share of couseing problems and i did my share of fuck ups but i always was there. i never stoped loving her! and if the love is gone than its gone becouse of her! if she dont love me anymore i can handle that a lot more than i can handle her telling me she loves me and wants to work things out and then all she will do is cry over this guy! she held me last night she kissed me goodbye this morning. she asked me to get her a drink and acted all like she was needy for me to help her and i did. ...more later

[azwildcat]

believe me, bama, i know how your feeling.
you love her, but you also don't want to be hurt anymore from what she's doing and you'll stay as long as you know that things might work out, right, i know this was how i felt for months till i said enough is enough, i'm not taking this lying down anymore.
they realize when you do that , that your not going to take their shit and they learn that if they don't straighten up that you won't be there anymore for them to walk over you or hurt you anymore. sometimes when you say enough they tend to start paying attention to you.

you know we all love ya, bama !!!!!
and if you need anything feel Welcome to talk to me anytime.


i think i still have my flamethrow in the closet.
{ smile, sweetie you need to }

[wrnakedru]

I know there have been postings on this on more than one thread so it is possible I may have missed this information. If so, I apologize for going back to "old news".
I was wondering how she and this couple got together - how they found each other. Was it through a "swingers site" and if so is that how you knew who they were and where she was? Had you ever met this couple, or even talked to them on line? Were they looking for a couple or just for a female - and that is how they got in touch? I don't guess all this matters now that it all has tumbled down, but I was just wondering how it all began. It seems that however it was, it was not something you were aware of, until it got pretty far down the road.
Haven't seen the issue of "external forces" being part of the issue being addressed now that she is back under your roof. It would seem if that was a part of things, the reactions you are hearing from her are definitely being colored by other things - if there were drugs of any kind involved. So try real hard to keep that in mind in your reaction to what she says. If there were drugs involved, and her system became accustomed to them, I think the first issue to resolve is purging her system of them. And there will be some time of her adjusting to being without them before she can deal with anything else.
I am NOT attempting to defend her actions in any way. I cannot make a judgement about that nor would I even attempt to, ever. That is between the two of you, and therefore can only be dealt with as the two of you deem best.
I am merely saying her confusion is possibly being affected by more than the circumstances of fact, if drug use was a part of the activity. A period of time for her "doing without" whatever they were is necessary for her thinking to be clear about where she goes from here.
My heart aches for you both. So much pain, where there appeared to be such a good union of emotions. Such a time of upheaval for all of you. Trying to shield the children as much as you can is definitely for the best. She is not the person they were accustomed to in her present state of mind, and she is not now the person she will be once everything settles into place. So protecting them from this stage without denying her the opportunity to be with them is best.
Children want answers, and right now there aren't any answers. Children want reassurance that all is okay, and it is not easy to provide that reassurance when the future is so uncertain. They can be helped by the reassurance of your love and caring for them and desire both of you have for life to be happy and carefree for them once again.
I do believe that both of you want that for them. The part you must work on is how that is to be provided for them. And they do need to be shielded from that uncertain aspect of the process. I know that is your desire while you work through the next steps of "where do we go from here".
I hope it is a help to you to know how many care and wish they could help in some way more useful than saying "We care!"
Be strong, be compassionate, be kind, and most of all - remember to take care of "you"!