when is the right time to say the relationship is over??

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by OhioCouple
I agree with "EVERYTHING" that Wrakedru and M&B had to advise.

The one thing I can say about 'all' failed relationships in my past, I just 'knew' it in my heart. There comes a certain point where you just can't get up and feel good about yourself or your surroundings anymore and you walk. Everyone's walking point is different.

Yea Mrs O. Thats the point. Kids are important enough to exhaust all recourses over though.

My failed relationship after 4 years alleviated me of daily aggravation and constant defending of my positions. It stopped the increasing intolerance we were developing for each other. It was a long drawn out ending. I left three times within the last year. I would just rent a place for a week and see if we could work it out over the phone. The seperations seemed to be helping, but suddenly everything changed. We both had bad habits. We didn't have a big trust issue problem I guess, maybe we did though. I don't think she thinks I cheated on her, but I kinda think she did on me....so maybe she feels the same way.

The issue that sent me packing for good had to do with lack of common respect. SOmetimes when you have a relationship you can slip into feeling like somehow you "own" the other one. My financial decisions were never final. SHe bought animals into the house against my wishes. She spend money like mad. I on the other hand was perfect. I gambled too much and I was unersponsive to some of her basic needs. It was a period of extreme stress with my back bearing the load of way too many people. I was nuts to get into that relationship in the first place, but thought I could handle it.

The result is that I am alone now. It took her a few weeks to replace me, but I somehow believe she may have moved to fast. I have had the tendency to get rather aggresive at times looking to replace that love, but it just don't happen.

Here I am talking about me. The only advice I can give is to find a neutral person that you can trust and both of you will listen to and try to talk out your problems. Usually there are indeed two sides and both think they are more right or less wrong than the other. This causes major eruptions. You may be discussing the fact that he came home late last night, but really be pissed because he bought that boat three months ago when you wanted a college fund for the kids.

Most relationship problems involve trust, addictions or abuse. I feel most unqualified to give advice due to my failed relationship, but on the other hand I did recognize that it was indeed failed. Even though I have not necessarily gained happiness or security and have lost companionship and a life partner, I know I am not backpedalling anymore.

Like Mrs O said, there comes a time when you get "that feeling". You really need to listen to it and decide that if you have it it is going to take drastic measures to change your life.

If you don't change things they certainly won't change themselves.

Just keep posting though because talking bout it is good therapy. I never talked about it to anyone until the writing was on the wall. Now I cant seem to shut up lol.

John

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by wrnakedru

Our words to our children are meaningless if our lives do nothing to exemplify them.

Perfect...with the exception of I wish I had said it.

Children need to be kids for as long as possible. IMO, they grow up too quick these days anyhow. I see so many realtionships in which the kids are in the middle. It is heartbreaking. I never wanted my kids to have that and I refused to battle in front of them or anywhere in their hearing presence. (After I got smart enough to leave the ex.)

My kids to this day are still my babies and the youngest is 20. They know where home is and they know where to seek comfort if they need it. They know I'll be objective if they are tiffing with their spouses and they know that I won't talk one against the other. It's just not a game I'll play. Sadly too many people do that.

I really feel for you both, AZ and Bama. I truly hope you can work it out, but look into your hearts and see if it is workable or not. Don't put the babies in the middle, cause I know ya both love 'em and you'll wanna keep on loving them and having their respect, twenty years from now.

Momma O, ~ The award winning champion of failed relationships, until my Mr. O came along....

PS: Hugs to both of you.

[wrnakedru]

Originally posted by Floridaman
If you don't change things they certainly won't change themselves.
John

You are dead on about that!

Sometimes we fail to realize that "No Decision" IS a decision -
with results!

[alabamafuntonig]

how can one teach when they are in so much pain i wonder! I ask myself this now. why must good things come to such a bitter end. when do you relize that given up hurts to much and hanging in hurts as bad. when does the pain go away and the body start to function. how can i look my kids in the eye and say to them mommy and daddy dont love eachother anymore and not cry? Why must people do this to eachother. can a parent ever know when there is to much pain to deal with. I sit alone again and ask this . my kids are gone and will they ever recover from this i wonder. did life throw me a curve ball i cant be strong enough to handle. can i take the pain for my childrens sake. would i be better off letting go and let my children never learn of me again.

the pain is almost to deep to handle. to deep to forget for more than 10 minutes. i cant cope with the loss alone but yet i dont want to be here or anywear at the moment.

I think back to last night when i had tears in my eyes and my duaghter said to me " dont cry daddy" ill never know her pain she has. ill never get to comfort her like that again and i wonder is it worth even trying.

maybe time away is best but i only have so many years with my children young. can i handle not seeing them grow up. did i work and go threw all this to be left alone.

i used to have large shoulders and carry everyone elses pain on them,but never did i have to bear such a heavy load like this . i feel like my streanth has gave out and its better to crash rewal hard then to dull the pain any more.

[OhioCouple]

Bama, you aren't thinking clearly right now. And the only consulation I can give you, is that it is not uncommon to feel the way you are feeling.

Try this.

Turn on your most favorite upbeat music, lay on the couch and just listen...crank it up. Feel the music. If or when the mood strikes ya, get up and dance. Who cares if you look silly, just do it. Expel some of that energy that your body is holding inside. Take a hot shower or bath if you prefer and keep that music cranked up.

I guarantee you'll feel a little better.

[alabamafuntonig]

i wish i could. as i am at home now i am sitting in my work shop on the net with you all. i enter my house now only to shower,shit,shave and pass out in the bed that brought us so much joy in our marrige! at best i sleep very little due to the fact i concieved my young on that very same mattress. only to wake up the next day and find it empty and the house quite ewxcept for the ticking of the clock reminding me of a day that will not stop.

my workshop is my haven for my thoughts and dreams but i seemed to hav e lost those now.

the music does not help either i have tried . it only reminds me of the countless hours we listned to the same songs. im in dispair over this i want to talk too her pick up the phone and cry for her but i cant , so i sit and type

[JustAskJulie]

I think it's when you've done all you can to fix things and there just isn't anything left to fix.

I've been putting off posting this but this seems like a good time/place to go ahead and do so. A few of you already know that my hubby and I have split up. It wasn't the original intent when I moved across the country but the way things went after the move pretty much pushed an already shaky relationship over the edge.

Our biggest problem was a lack of communication and a lack of common interests... seemed like a merry go round. We had nothing in common to talk about. Before I moved we had attempted marriage counseling which helped some but not enough. Then moving 800 miles apart what little communication we had dwindled to nothing. So we decided that we are both best off to stay where we are. Me in AL and him in MI. We reached a point where if we had tried to push any harder to make it work we would have both just ended up resenting each other rather than being able to part on friendly terms and both be happy on our own.

I think you have to look at what's best for both partners in the long-term. Will ending things now allow for less heartbreak down the road? Or is there still a chance to fix things.

I think too often one partner is in relationship bliss while another is completely unhappy. In bliss partners state of happiness they don't even realize that the other partner is unhappy until it's too late.

Julie

[jen]

Originally posted by wrnakedru
Again ...
Our words to our children are meaningless if our lives do nothing to exemplify them. [/B]

Thank you wrnakedru,

This is so true in my heart. A house parented by two strangers who go through the daily motions of life, together - but separate, for the sake of the children -- can't teach a child how to love as an adult.

Julie said about having nothing left to fix;

Well if it has come to that for either of you or for anyone, it hurts, it is hard, and better things are ahead - I am sure.

M&B is also right;

It shouldn't hurt to be a kid.


There are so many right and true bits of advice within this thread, within this board. It comes down to your heart and the heart of your spouse.

My heart hopes for the best for each of you.

[alabamafuntonig]

when the wife and i talked she said i could spend saturday with the kids when i get home from work. i have been home for 4 hours and still no kids. why did we talk just to lie to me again and get my hopes up so they could be bashed to the floor like i never even matterd to her in the first place. these are my kids too. i want to see them. if i cant see them i guess i dont have a purpose any more. she sits over there and enjoys the company of the kids and friends while i suffer i cant suffer any more. i wont

[OhioCouple]

Julie, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. And you are right when you said:

I think you have to look at what's best for both partners in the long-term. Will ending things now allow for less heartbreak down the road?

Hugs.

Bama, you have a private mail on the way.

Lori

[NotsoNew]

I read all of the posts and would like to give you my thoughts, both personally and from my best friend.

Leaving my first husband was the hardest thing I ever did. I loved him and he will always have a place in my life, but I could just not live with him anymore. Ohio is right - I jsut knew when it was time and when whatever day/week/month deadline I set for whatever I thought would help just would not matter anymore. Marriage is 50/50 and in my mind, so are the reasons for divorce. Blame is not just one sided in most cases. However, I did not have children to worry about. But I know I made the right decision because I am much happier now than I have ever been.

My best friend and I were talking tonight. Her sister finally got a divorce. My friend told me that her sister and her child are just so much better now - this child was very aggressive and angry the last time I saw him. Children can sense when something is wrong and they act on it. Now that his mom is happy and his life is much more stable without such hostility in his house, he has grown to be a happier child - hostility issues are now gone, but both parents play an active part in his life.

I don't have any children and I know that I don't have all the answers. But perhaps instead of staying together for the children, the children would be better off in a happier environment with both parents still in their lives.

It just confuses me that people can live together and share so much for so many years just to become so unreasonable and bitter in a breakup and use the children as a weapon. It just is not right.

Although I am divorced, my ex and I do see each other occasionally with our new spouses - I spent almost 8 years married to this man and he was a big part of my life. Just because I can't live with him does not mean that his new wife can't...

It is very hard to make a decision like this. As has been said, talk it out with a third party you trust and good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[LadyCleo]

Disagree.
While I do agree with many of the points so eloquently made, I do have to say that MY answer to the question, "When is the right time to say it's over?" is: NEVER.
I think that you do teach people how to treat you. I do think that when you come to what seems to be an unmanagable situation, it's a situation that YOU have created. You can NEVER change a person. Don't try...it doesn't ever work.
But, how can you stop trying? The person you are married to, the person that you made vows to be with for better or worse, needs to know that you are in it for the long haul. Be honest, fight like hell to save your marriage, open yourself up to be completely hurt, because you will never know if you can get past this rough patch if you don't. You cannot have a marriage in a boxing ring with you and your spouse in opposing corners.

With that being said, after you have pulled every last one of your hairs out and your spouse does not respond favorably to your own changes...maybe it is time.

My heart breaks for all of you!
LC

[alabamafuntonig]

when is it time ?

i got some new light from a friend and i must agree.

its time when you tried and nothing is aknowleadged

its time when kids are used as weapons

its time when you think of killing yourself

its time when one is not thinking claerly

its time when you want to work it out but the other wont

its time when all you do is be sad and worry and feel bad

watch out board im here to stay but its going to be mr bama only...im happy for the first time in 4 days and i cant wait to raize some shit on this board!

[jen]

Hi Bama bam bam,

Ready set goooooo....

[OhioCouple]

Originally posted by alabamafuntonig

watch out board im here to stay but its going to be mr bama only...im happy for the first time in 4 days and i cant wait to raize some shit on this board!

Oh, geesh.... I can feel the wrath coming in the political threads....

Ducking for cover....But I'm ready for ya, ya can't whip me, I'm old enough to be your momma, I'll turn ya over my knee....