When Feelings Develop?

[fun_pairTX]

I have a bud, that confided in me that he was having serious feelings for the wife of a couple he and his wife were swinging with. I warned him off and he told me thanks but no thanks he was going to let things take their course. Not taking my advice on relationships is hardly a crime seeing I've been divorced 3x LOL so I didn't get pissed off at him, but I told him I was just going to shut my trap and say nothing further. Well 6 months down the road the gal and her husband are in counseling and getting things back together, and my bud's wife split and filed on him. It will come back to burn you for sure.

[JustAskJulie]

The thing is ... this sort of thing can happen whether or not swinging is involved. You basically take a risk anytime you have other friends that you invite into your lives.

[II IV FUN]

I am very worried about this... not for my husband, but for myself. We have been to a few swing clubs and now my husband wants to meet a "couple" in the area to swing with on a regular basis... Well - I am afraid of MYSELF... because I get attached to people very easily and WHAT IF I fall in love with someone? I am married with kids and love my husband very much. The swinging thing is just to implement some excitement into our sex life that we share, and have shared together, for over fifteen years. I am excited at the thought of meeting another couple and becoming friends/lovers with them. Is this the wrong outlook about swinging as a whole (to become friends/lovers with another couple)? I have a feeling that it is... the "love" part has to stay out of the picture... otherwise you might jeopardize the one thing that you set out to strengthen... your relationship with your husband/wife/full time partner. Does anyone have any insight on any of this?

[N&G]

This is something that you need to work out before getting involved. If you are unable to separate sex from emotion then maybe this kind of lifestyle is a poor choice for you. It is always possible to get emotionally involved with someone that you swing with but I think that normally there is less of a chance than at work or being attracted to the husband of one of your friends, etc.

Originally posted by II IV FUN
otherwise you might jeopardize the one thing that you set out to strengthen... your relationship with your husband/wife/full time partner.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Swinging is generally meant to be something in addition to a relationship that is already good to begin with. If your relationship needs strengthening, don't expect swinging to do it. Many times the result is the opposite.

N&G

[II IV FUN]

N & G ... Thank you for your response. What I meant by my comment is exactly what I said. I am hoping that swinging will help to strengthen marriage, which, I believe is already strong. BUT, like I had said... I am looking to add some excitement/some spice/some FUN to our lives. We are married... work 9 to 5 with kids... have a dog... blah, blah, blah. We are both looking to add some fun to our sex lives, otherwise we would continue to have the same "same 'ol", if you know what I mean. I don't think I am a highly sexual person.... but give me a drink or two and the prospect of having sex with someone new, male or female , and suddenly I am a sexual "dynamo"...LOL. Do you know what I mean now? I want to continue to have fun with my husband and share new experiences with him.
I am 35 and he is 45. We are both very secure and totally open with one another. Am I completely way off on this swinging thing or what? We are both looking forward to it.

[yawanna]

The original poster said they haven't swung yet but this is a concern ..... and honestly a valid one at that. I agree with Julie that if a couple splits or one gets attached/involved/in love with another...it wasn't swinging that caused it. It was inevitable in some venue or another.

This is mostly why we are So careful to get to know couples before we go further with them. They must be solid, rock hard, stable, no issues, problems, concerns in their relationship, be swinging for recreational only purposes, etc. etc. We don't need any fallout or drama.

Five years in this and I have seen TONS of just that kind of thing.... people running off with swinger partners. Oy!

Let's see...let me count the times... well.. I originally spent some time in a CA chat room and I saw 2 wives run off with single men....it came up in the chat room often and with enough detail that it was obvious what had happened.

Several couples I've known and still know of (we don't socialize any longer) have left their partners for a man/woman they swung with. We watch wives of couples chat up single guys in chat rooms during the day, while hubby is at work, and other couples say 'hey...maybe they CAN swing alone, maybe it works for them'. I have YET to see someone take some of the emotional and physical investment they need to keep with a primary partner, share it with a sex partner and have it NOT blow up and destroy relationships and families.

Tread carefully...............

[N&G]

Hi II IV Fun,
Nancy and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years and have a lot of fun and excitement which I would suppose is the reason just about all of us do it. We are a little older, she is 50 and I am 56 with no kids at home so we have a lot more oppourtunity to have fun since we are not tied down as much. I can understand trying to get away from the "same 'ol" and swinging is a nice way to do it! I don't think the lifestyle has strengthened our relationship, it's just something we both enjoy doing. The only problem that I can see is if at some point one of us wants to get out of the lifestyle and the other is still having too much fun.
My concern was that you were worried about getting too emotionally involved and between that and jealousy tends to be a real relationship killer. We have various levels of friendship with our swing friends but even with the couple that we have the closest relationship with there is never a threat to either of our relationships. We can go away for a long weekend together but there is never a doubt that we will be returning home with our same partners.

[mrbandsatl]

This is a timely subject for us because we have seen two breakups over the last six months from this.

In both cases, these couples decided to swing in order to replace something they had lost from their marriage. Something we both believe is a HUGE mistake to begin with.

For us, I believe if we ever felt the slightest twinge, we would immediately stop seeing the person(s). It may even being an end to our activities.

But we do our best to avoid situations that my be condusive to developing feelings beyond lust. And it doesn't hurt that after 16 years of marriage, we still feel like newlyweds.

Bob (and Sandy)

[2New2it]

Swinging is not the seed of discontent, but it can certainly be the catalyst that sprouts and nourishes the seed.

If you are looking for outside sex to replace what you have in marriage, it can become a problem. In our case, it's strictly entertainment. We would both walk away from any playmate who looked like they could be a threat to our relationship.

That said, my wife has very strong feelings for her young lover, but we selected him because he would never become competition for me, nor would he be able to offer her things I could not.

I believe in polyamory to the degree that you can love more than one person, but it's not for everyone and I could never live in a situation where I was sharing time with her on a 50-50 basis.

[smiley]

This was never a concern for me until recently. My dh and I met a couple at a club and he and she almost immediately formed a close friendship. We have been in the lifestyle for a year and this has never happened and I have to say I felt threatened. He has said that they are just friends and that she loves her husband and he loves me. I guess what really concerned me was that they were always talking on messenger and the few times we were at the club, he and she were very involved. He and she have been together in a group setting and, truthfully, this was difficult for me. I have thoroughly enjoyed the lifestyle until this episode. I like both her and her husband but I have to say, I am not comfortable with the closeness of the friendship.

[yawanna]

Hi smiley

I hope that you have told 'dh' how you feel.

[smiley]

Hi Yawanna, yes I have told him. I believe we are working things out. We still have a lot to learn and I just don't want to turn a blind eye if something makes me uncomfortable and he agrees. We are in this together and I hope this one instance won't tarnish the whole lifestyle for us. I don't want to be paranoid, but then...I don't want to lose my spouse.

[yawanna]

If that behaviour gets nipped in the bud.. you won't

My husband often gets msned by the women, and I often get msned by the men, of couples we have met or are thinking of meeting. We both tell the others... we are telling each other everything and saving the chats to share with each other later.

Now, with that said...men can be kinda dense occasionally... I remember one woman messaging my husband and he told and showed me their conversations, and I told him....she's after you. He was all 'nnaaaahhhh!!! really?? naaaaahhh!! me?? naaaahhh'.

Well guess what kids... she was. Married and all.

Women.. we KNOW when another woman is making a move. Trust your instincts. Go with that. Tell him.. Hands Off Her. Move along.

You have to be dead happy in this and any encounters and it can be fun and fulfilling and a great time.. for you and your husband most importantly. Something feels funny or not right? Walk. Talk. Try again with someone else.

Never never feel you have to go along with anything. Your feelings are your own..you don't have to explain them or justify them.. you can, however, explore them in the safety and comfort of your partner..just the 2 of you.

[LadyCleo]

Originally posted by darmok
Maybe if one never starts the swapping they wont have to face the decision.

I think that is an easy thing to say, but not quite realistic. There are TONS of places you can meet someone and fall in love. On the internet, at work, at school, at church, etc.

I think that the best way to keep from falling in love with someone else is to really work at being in love with your spouse. If you find that someone else is filling a void in your marriage. S T O P! Tell your spouse that you have this particular void and BOTH of you must work to fill it.

I really think that you can help who you fall in love with. You need to choose everyday to be in love with your spouse. And then work it.

Also, one thing that my husband and I employ is veto power. If one of us says no, that's it. It's over. I would like to say no questions asked, but that's not really the case. But there is never a reversal in the decision.

Good luck to you all!
LC

[smiley]

Thanks Yawanna and Lady Cleo. I was beginning to think I was nuts, but I knew what I felt and I would rather change things now before it goes any further. It's good to have a sounding board out here.