Cheating and then Swinging?

[Wan2Swing]

Hello all... I'll do an intro post soon but first, I have a burning question. I have always wanted to swing, swap and in general, be open and adventurous in my sex life. The long and short of it is that I am married, I love my husband and I have cheated on him. About a year ago, I had a short term affair with a man from the Netherlands. It was emotionally intense but we only slept together over a 4 day timespan when we met and stayed at a hotel. Yes, my husband knows, we have been talking about it for the last 9 months and working towards healing the pain it caused us both.

The problem is, my desire to be with others and swap has not lessened. My husband is more vanilla than I am although he is pretty adventureous with just he and I. Obviously, this whole situation has caused huge trust issues. Regardless of everything, I want this as part of our lives. The idea of another woman touching him is very exciting to me. And Of course, I fantasize about another man for myself as well. Not the emotional side, but the sexual excitement and variety...

We have talked about this ALOT. Some of his comments include: "So basically, all the variety you had before being with me wasn't enough..." "You just want to be able to be fucked by another man again..." "You are telling me that if I don't do this, you are leaving me..." The answers are no, no, and no. But I want this and he says he is excited by the thought of it.

What should I do? I am not willing to forever be monogamous and I want to continue exploring and express my outward sexuality WITH HIM BY MY SIDE. We are extremely compatible in many, many areas and the thought of pushing him away hurts. I do not to want surpress this side of myself in order to stay together.

[SecretAsianMan]

Well... he does have the right to be wary - after all, that first encounter you have "cheated" on him in the past and that's going to take a long time for him to get back to the point where he feels he can 100% trust you again.

Keep talking to him... find out what his fears are and do your best to reassure him.

If swinging REALLY isn't something he's into (some just aren't "wired" for it) - then there's nothing you can do to change him. So if this is something you REALLY feel you need in your life... I hate to say it, but that is a serious area of conflict between y'all.

[BiloxiCouple]

We know of alot of reasons to swing.

The explanation you have given so far are reasons not to swing.

The real question is what is more important? Sex with others? Or the relationship with your husband?

[lustylearning]

All you can do is be honest and prepared to deal with the consequences of your honesty. If you can express to him your desire to explore with him and boost his desire to have the experiences to benefit himself, then perhaps you have a shot, but... you can't guarantee this outcome. It doesn't sound like he views sexuality the same way most swingers do. He equates marriage with monogamy and fears competition. Can you convince him this is a fun endeavor which does not pose a threat to his marriage and which could actually enhance it?

[ViSexual]

I've been married for over 36 years and know how you feel.

My wife thinks, and feels, a lot like it sounds your husband does.

She, actually, took the first step. There was a couple we knew really well and she and the husband, obviously, had the hots for each other. Anyway, with some alcohol and the total consent from me and the wife she indulged.

I loved the whole experience and, that night, knew this was something I wanted in our marriage.

We did explore this together several more times with other couples but, each time, she just couldn't deal with it afterwards.

This was all over 30 years ago and she hasn't changed her mind. We have discussed it many, many, times over the years. She knows I still would love to have some form of swinging in our relationship but she's even more against it now.

It's a real incompatibility in marraige and something you need to either accept or consider other options.

I just don't think you can change, or expect your partner to change, something of this nature. You, like me, have made if very clear that you want it. It's up to him to decide if he wants to join you.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

[slevin]

I think it is very understandable that your husband is going to question the situation. You cheated on him, betrayed his trust and now it's out in the open that you cheated on him. With it out in the open now you tell him you want to try swinging with him; can you blame him for being suspicious? I'd wonder if this wasn't just a way to try and cheat on me without having to hide about it. I'd wonder if this was all because you weren't happy with me, happy with our sex life, not attracted to me or whatever other things came to mind as a result of the cheating. It is to be expected and I'd be more worried if he didnt have those reactions.

You are now dealing with the fallout of the betrayal of his trust. Personally I think that you need to put swinging on the backburner and work on gaining his trust back. Having his trust is important for having a healthy relationship between the two of you and having a solid/healthy relationship is important for involving swinging in your sexlife without causing issues to your relationship. As others have mentioned, you need to decide if this sex life is more important to you that your relationship with your husband. Right now it seems like it is, especially since, from the tone of your post, it seems like you are more concerned with introducing swinging into your relationship than you are about fixing the trust issues that you have created. At the very least, it seems that you're mostly concerned about the trust because you know you need it to get him swinging with you.

Take a step back and assess the situation honestly with yourself. It's ok to realize that perhaps your marriage doesn't make you happy. It is ok to realize that there are things in your relationship that you don't like and can't live with. Figure out what is important to you and you will have an answer about what to do.

[fun4Ds]

You put the cart in front of the horse.

Now he says "your leaveing him if he doesent go along" ?

Why do you think he feels that way ?

[jnjswingcpl]

Wow, this is a tough one. The two ideas that come to my mind are very different in concept. The first is that it is still too soon after the emotional pain caused by unfaithfulness. A lot of guys that have been cheated on feel a sense of inadequacy (what's he got that enticed her so much that I don't have?), and this could be playing into it. He may be feeling that because you cheated on him in the past and it hurt him and caused some insecurity, and now you are talking about swinging which would bring to his mind the idea of you being with another man more than the idea of being with another woman. These feelings may never go away for him, but it might, especially with the help of a counsellor.

My other thought, and it again plays into the feelings of insecurity he is probably having would be to start out with either FMF or with softswap. Once he begins to see that this isn't just something for you, it may help him get over his feelings and see that it is just sex, and a fantasy that can be a lot of fun.

What should I do? I am not willing to forever be monogamous

Although, this part of your post does concern me. Maybe this is something that you do want more for your experiences than for his, and maybe he is picking up on this. You may also want to do some more searching within your own heart.

[JustAskJulie]

You need to work on building him up and rebuilding his trust in you, as well as rebuildling your relationship as a whole. He's asking these questions because he has doubts. He's turned on by the idea but at the same time he's afraid because of what you have already been through. Take some time and rebuild. Continue to let him know that it's not just about you having sex with others, and that your relationship is important.

He needs to know he can trust you and that you aren't going to leave him (OR CHEAT ON HIM AGAIN) if he does not choose to swing with you.

[shesnew2this]

I wonder if the answers would be a bit different if the question were written from a male perspective.

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by shesnew2this

I wonder if the answers would be a bit different if the question were written from a male perspective.

This question comes up with these types of threads and I believe the answer would be different from time to time.

Each thread is commented on based on the information given and I think appropriate answers have been given so far.

[fun4Ds]

Mine would be the same

[Wan2Swing]

Thank you everyone for the honest and open answers you have given so far.

I brought my husband to this site last night and we read through the answers everyone had given so far. We talked again, he expressed his concerns, I expressed my understanding and we came up with a solution for now.

Every year we attend an outdoor festival for 5 days. It is a very free-spirited event and as one might imagine, there are many situations that present themselves for some play time with other couples. We just came back from this years event and during the time we were away, I encouraged him to reach out and flirt. he did but it was uncomfortable for him. He is very, very shy when it comes to these things.

One of the things that came up while we talked last night was that he regrets NOT doing things more so in his life than he regrets having done things. This idea of swinging and our discussions are not new. Throughout our 9 years together, we have spoke often about swinging, but something always seemed to get in the way... work, kids, health... And his reservations. Looking back now, I realize I was not clear in my true interest and perhaps he thought it was only talk, something to fantasize about and never actually do.

We have been going to counseling and have been working on being completely up front with each other. Last night I told him that he is the one that I want by my side, to help raise the kids, to grow old next to, to have wonderful adventures with... I also told him that this is something that is part of my makeup, that this is a way that I am wired, there was never any false modisty on my part. Hell, I stripped for him in front of the dining room lace curtains when he lived next door to me, KNOWING that he was watching.

What happened with us was awful, I hurt him by lying and WE are both paying for it. But part of this new commitment to each other means telling him the truth, and that truth is that my hunger for adventure has not subsided.

Anyways, the solution we have come up with is to do "fact finding" during the next year, to ask questions, to continue working on our relationship and to approach the very real prospect of swapping at the next annual outdoor festival. We agreed that in no way does that mean we MUST do anything at next years festival but that he can take this next year to explore his feelings about this and I can take this next year to work harder on healing the pain I caused.

What do you think?

[ownerspet]

You really can't blame him for having trust issues. I know I would definitly have a hard time believing it wasn't just about what you wanted after you had an affair. And like someone said he may not be wired for swinging, but I will say he may have been more receptive to the idea if you brought it up before your affair.

[two42lovers]

I do not to want surpress this side of myself in order to stay together.

Your last sentance says it all. You will have to make your choices and live with the consequences.

One way to go is to come up with a long-range plan. Prepare to be patient. Bringing your husband with you into an open marriage will take time, and willingness to delay getting into swinging until he warms up to the idea (and of course he may never warm up to it.) How long will it take? No way to know. How long are you willing to be patient?

You wronged your husband, but no doubt you are also struggling to be true to yourself as a sexual being. Swinging is the way to go - being completely honest - but you've hurt your chances of bringing your husband into the lifestyle by cheating. You've made it more difficult than it needed to be by breaking his trust. Maybe you should be prepared to be doubly-patient, as he works through his feelings? Good luck!