Love to watch him but feel cheated afterwards.

[alabamabanging]

Let me start by saying I am with a man who has given me the best sex life of my life. We both love living this lifestyle and how much hotter it makes our sex - But there is an emptiness afterwards. We have played with several couples and a few singles. And hope to continue for a long time. I love watching him with another woman.He such a sexual man and knows just what a woman wants and needs. It is the hottest thing I have ever seen. I watch him give women everything they need to feel complete and desired. I also watch him give them everything he has problems giving me. We both came out of bad relationships and giving himself completely is hard for him. So why can he give so freely to them and not be able to give me the passion I want from him. I know he loves me but I want the kissing and caressing too. Please help me to understand.

[beachguyz]

You need to tell your partner what you want. Maybe he's not worried about how the swing partners will react but he is worried about how you will react. Take time talk to each other. It will all be good.

[Additude]

What did he say when you asked him that question?

My guess is if he had an emotionally bad relationship before, then giving those things you mention like kissing and caressing may relate to an intimacy for him with you that he is not ready to address...meaning love.

He can accept giving it to someone anonymously without the thought of commitment and love, but for him, when it comes to you he has a mental and emotional vested interest, so it's difficult for him to cross that bridge.

He may not even be aware that he is ignoring your emotional and physical needs.

Bring it up to him.

Anyway, just a thought.

[tangyspecial]

I get where you are coming from. I have been with my husband for over 8 years. While we have awesome sex and are enjoying this lifestyle immensely, I feel... hurt (for lack of a better word) afterwards. I don't tell him this for the most part because I know it isn't something he is purposely doing to spite me, so why bring him down instead of enjoying the afterglow? I don't get the foreplay to the extent our swing partners do and it bothers me. They get massages, kisses everywhere, and tons of oral. I know that this is normal and of course he is going to act that way with someone new and enjoy them as much as possible while they are there. I am available constantly, so the need to do all of these things to impress me isn't there. We also have three small children, so we tend to try to not take as long enjoying things when we are together because they could run in any second. I know all of this, but still feel this way. I don't say anything because I know I probably shouldn't feel this way... but I want it all too.

Okay. Done hijacking the thread now. I just never had the courage to say that until now.

[des1re06]

The most wonderful thing we've given to each other in our marriage is that special intimacy we've never gotten from our previous relationships.

I highly recommend the training videos called Modern Kama Sutra. It's not about sexual positions, but about intimacy and foreplay.

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Sex-Mod...6970903&sr=8-6



Mrs. D

[screaminggood]

Alabama & Tangy,

You both sound as if you're hurting; I'm glad you spoke out. I agree on one level with the previous posters that you can speak to your spouses about your situations, but perhaps there's more you could do to encourage the behaviors? (Don't nail me for this guys) Sometimes men need to be "shown" what to do. Either by you taking charge, "Not yet, first do this..." or by your responses both to the spouse with you and with the other women. For instance, "it made me so hot when you kissed her neck...it made me want you to do that to me all night long." When he does it, give him such positive reinforcement that he will definitely want to do it again.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by alabamabanging

Let me start by saying I am with a man who has given me the best sex life of my life. We both love living this lifestyle and how much hotter it makes our sex - But there is an emptiness afterwards. We have played with several couples and a few singles. And hope to continue for a long time. I love watching him with another woman.He such a sexual man and knows just what a woman wants and needs. It is the hottest thing I have ever seen. I watch him give women everything they need to feel complete and desired. I also watch him give them everything he has problems giving me. We both came out of bad relationships and giving himself completely is hard for him. So why can he give so freely to them and not be able to give me the passion I want from him. I know he loves me but I want the kissing and caressing too. Please help me to understand.

Originally Posted by tangyspecial

I get where you are coming from. I have been with my husband for over 8 years. While we have awesome sex and are enjoying this lifestyle immensely, I feel... hurt (for lack of a better word) afterwards. I don't tell him this for the most part because I know it isn't something he is purposely doing to spite me, so why bring him down instead of enjoying the afterglow? I don't get the foreplay to the extent our swing partners do and it bothers me. They get massages, kisses everywhere, and tons of oral. I know that this is normal and of course he is going to act that way with someone new and enjoy them as much as possible while they are there. I am available constantly, so the need to do all of these things to impress me isn't there. We also have three small children, so we tend to try to not take as long enjoying things when we are together because they could run in any second. I know all of this, but still feel this way. I don't say anything because I know I probably shouldn't feel this way... but I want it all too.

Okay. Done hijacking the thread now. I just never had the courage to say that until now.

I can see what each of you are saying here. I think for us, we have at times left out that our time over the years with kids and carriers absorbing most of our lives. Its easy to get to where our time would be more of the quickie. Not that even a quickie isn't enough. We both at times understand that we get distracted from each other. And sometimes life just sucks the energy out of us. Then swing night comes, and the levels of sex get to tweeking.

We sometimes miss what our partners needs are at the correct times. In ( I want intimacy today but life, gets in the way). We understand that our partners were busy and its not about being deprived intentionally. So we let it go.

Then lets take our date night swinging. Its planned, we prepare, and lets face it we want to be our best with our new play partners. Who wants to walk away with being labeled... (They are nice sexy couple, but not much good in the sack). There is a bit of pressure to be your best.

I think we found that a few times also. Watching each other with others where we felt the same, as what I see here. I don't get that much at home. I think thats normal in relationships.

Have there been times where either of you have played at a club or house party where its just you two with your own partners for the night ?

Is it possible to sit down and talk about this with your partners without making them feel like they have done wrong. By being their best while playing with others, while out on your play night ?

And then ask for more. Its not wrong to ask your partner for their best. Its not a jealousy issue, its just communication with your partner.

To be honest, Mrs.fun had some of the same feelings and she talked about this with me. I'm glad she did because I over looked this. She understood how I felt. There were times that I went above sexually, with my partners from wanting to give my best. I felt pressured to be the best I could be, out of fear of being labeled no good.

[tribbles]

I don't get the foreplay to the extent our swing partners do and it bothers me. They get massages, kisses everywhere, and tons of oral.

Time to go to a club and not play with anyone...spend the time all over each other!

Before swinging, we even bought a car with a big backseat so we would go out and spend more time kissing and touching......

Talk to your guys and suggest fun things you two can do and find a place to do them without distractions.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by alabamabanging

Let me start by saying I am with a man who has given me the best sex life of my life. We both love living this lifestyle and how much hotter it makes our sex - But there is an emptiness afterwards.

Does he feel an emptiness as well?

Originally Posted by alabamabanging

We have played with several couples and a few singles. And hope to continue for a long time. I love watching him with another woman.He such a sexual man and knows just what a woman wants and needs. It is the hottest thing I have ever seen. I watch him give women everything they need to feel complete and desired. I also watch him give them everything he has problems giving me. We both came out of bad relationships and giving himself completely is hard for him. So why can he give so freely to them and not be able to give me the passion I want from him. I know he loves me but I want the kissing and caressing too. Please help me to understand.

I know exactly how you feel when you say you love to watch your husband with another woman. I love the way it makes me feel and I know exactly what she's going through and I always think they are so lucky to have him tonight.

It shouldn't make you feel like you're lacking in something, though. I don't think he does it consciously, either. I think he's wanting to give his partners something they won't likely forget and they probably won't, by the way you describe what you see.

I also have a feeling that life gets in the way and home sex might be a quickie and swing sex is long and passionate. That's sometimes the way it is at our house. We primp and preen for our play partners, but do I ever primp and preen for him? I'm sad to say, not a lot. Usually he catches me while I'm cooking or ironing or doing school work. Not very sexy by any means. We do have to schedule our times so we can have time just for us. Passion nights. They're as long and drawn out as our play nights, but we pay attention to only each other.

What if you quit swinging for a while to fix this? I understand how hard that would be, but marriage ( the one thing that is tried and true) should always come first. Sit down (not in the bedroom) and talk honestly about what you feel you're missing in your lovemaking. I wouldn't be accusatory in my statements. Like I said before, I'm sure he doesn't even know what he's doing. Tell him what would make you feel passionate and complete like you see him giving his partners.

Sometimes, men (even mine) needs a little nudge in the right direction. Making him aware that he makes me feel like 'X' when I want to feel like 'Y'. Usually, he has no idea that he's making me feel a certain way.

Talk it out. Good Luck.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by screaminggood

Alabama & Tangy,

You both sound as if you're hurting; I'm glad you spoke out. I agree on one level with the previous posters that you can speak to your spouses about your situations, but perhaps there's more you could do to encourage the behaviors? (Don't nail me for this guys) Sometimes men need to be "shown" what to do. Either by you taking charge, "Not yet, first do this..." or by your responses both to the spouse with you and with the other women. For instance, "it made me so hot when you kissed her neck...it made me want you to do that to me all night long." When he does it, give him such positive reinforcement that he will definitely want to do it again.

Alabamabanging & Tangy,

I think the above advice as well as much of what you've gotten from others here is very good. Tangy, I don't think you hijacked at all, your feelings were right in line with the thread and I think if anything your post may help us understand a little more about alabamabanging's situation.

Someone else mentioned how when we go out to swing we are usually pretty focused on making sure we leave the best impression so we do go all out and probably do things that we might not be doing as much as we should at home, because we've taken them for granted a bit.

Alabamabanging, I do have a question for you, do the two of you only play with other women? Or do you enjoy other men as well? Perhaps if you did you might find yourself getting the same attention from someone else that your man is giving away and might feel a little better in the end.

[tangyspecial]

fun4Ds-
I wanted to say thanks for what you wrote. You nailed what I was trying to express and helped me view things more from his point of view. I showed him what I posted and he agreed that we aren't making enough us time to be able to do the things we want.

I have never blamed him for my feeling this way. I think our only problem is the lack of free us time that isn't for more than a few hours unless it is play time. Whenever we get a babysitter and we don't have plans to go to dinner or something, we use that time to clean or sneak in a nap. We have limited choices for over night babysitters, so we tend to save them for when we want to entertain friends. I'm thinking we need a night to ourselves soon and all will be better. Thanks for not making me feel stupid for (badly) voicing my inner thoughts.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by tangyspecial

I don't tell him this for the most part because I know it isn't something he is purposely doing to spite me, so why bring him down instead of enjoying the afterglow?

I was thinking about this part of this thread this morning when I woke up (odd I know). I can understand where you are coming from and I was really glad to read that you showed him this thread, but I did want to comment. While right at the time it occurs is certainly not the time to bring it up (in this case) it is definately something you need to talk to him about. We have an agreement in our house, if ANYTHING is bothering you bring it up. If you don't and you let those things continue because "they aren't doing it on purpose" or "they don't mean anything by it" then they never know that what they are doing is bothering you and can't go about fixing it. The fact that he doesn't realize he's doing it or isn't doing on purpose is all the more reason to bring it up so that he can be made aware of something that he is doing that is bothering you and make an effort to change that behaviour.

[Tia Vampire]

Every man wants a lady at home and a freak in the bed, but he don't want his main woman to be that freak. He sees you as his princess he want to spend the rest of his life with. You are not the person he wants to treat like a slut, not saying women who swing are sluts, he just do not want that image of you in his head to be diminished what he thinks of you. Not saying that he will lose respect for you, but you are his don't do anything wrong kind of person. It is easier for him to have sex with these ladies that way because he may never see them again and plus he does not have that connection with his playmate like he has with you. It's easy to treat sex just like what it is... just sex.

[Bama0468]

heck I love my freak at home too! :P

[apraskov]

Originally Posted by alabamabanging

He such a sexual man and knows just what a woman wants and needs. It is the hottest thing I have ever seen. I watch him give women everything they need to feel complete and desired. I also watch him give them everything he has problems giving me. We both came out of bad relationships and giving himself completely is hard for him. So why can he give so freely to them and not be able to give me the passion I want from him. I know he loves me but I want the kissing and caressing too. Please help me to understand.

Hello,

what others said might be right, but I wanted to add couple more things that I didn't see mentioned. Take this with a grain of salt, as I'm in no way a relationship specialist but in a way I feel that I can relate.

Perhaps he has not healed yet from his previous relationships. Kissing, caressing and a number of other activities have different meaning based on the person they are done to/with. Providing them to a loved one makes the provider vulnerable as there is strong emotional attachment. He has no issues giving them to other people, as he is not emotionally attached therefore cannot be hurt. It's a defense mechanism, protecting him of getting hurt again.

Also, you mentioned that "he knows just what a woman wants and needs". It takes one to know one. Perhaps this is what he was lacking and yearning for in his previous relationships. If one's wants and needs are not being met in a relationship, that person will learn to recognize those wants and needs in others and give them that, as he knows from experience what it takes and how to recognize them in the 1st place.

Or I could be wrong about all of this, as I've already mentioned it above.
If that is the case, please excuse me.
Best wishes to you both.