Problems between me, my boyfriend, and the other woman

[cali_couple]

This wasn't a situation with another couple but with a single woman. My partner and I had been seeing each other for about 6 years. We had an ad on AFF and connected with a woman. She and I emailed and chatted and then met for a drink. All went well and we set a date for all of us to get together.

Well, everythiing went fine, as far as I was concerend. Everyone came, all seemed to have a good time. There were a couple of worrisome things from her though. When she and I met for drinks she commented on the men that were looking at me, smiling at me. She said that men never noticed her. Then, the night we all got together she and I walked to a burger place to bring dinner back to the hotel. She again commented on how men looked at me and not her. To my mind this was absolutely unnecessary to say and it sounded like insecurity on her part.

During the next week or so she and I IM'd but her responses were getting less and less. I told my partner that she hadn't responded to me in days and he finally admitted that she was IM'ing with him. He said it was my fault that she wasn't communicating with me because I didn't "treat her like the slut she wanted to be treated like." He said that of course since I had disappointed her by telling her that I would she was justified in turning to him to get what she needed. WTF??? I never told her such a thing and in fact I had told her that I wasn't a dominant type, HE was. He didn't believe me. I wanted to tell this woman that if she didn't want US then move on. He was setting up a gang bang with her and his friends supposedly just for her, that he wouldn't have sex with her, and if I messed it up for him then there would be hell to pay.

OMG... how could he do this to me, to us? How could he let this woman ignore me and reward her for it? And then try and bar me from contacting her? AND blame me for her actions and his? This was beyond any pain that I can describe. There has to be trust that NO ONE, for ANY REASON will ever come between us in these situations.

I truly believe that this woman, who expressed her insecurity and jealousy of men looking at me turned to him and deliberately left me out, painted me as the bad guy in all of this. For his own selfish and hurtfull reasons he let it happen, encouraged it even. A long time later I forwarded him the email that I had responded to her statements that she liked to be told what to do and I had said that I wasn't that type but he was. It didn't matter. To this day he says it's my fault that she did that and he was obliged to fulfill what she expressed that she wanted because I hadn't.

[tangyspecial]

Woah... "there would be hell to pay"?! Time to put a halt to any swinging for now. If my husband said that to me, he would be getting a swift kick in the butt and a firm talking to. There should be no more contact with her from either of you. That's the best advice my brain can come up with while my jaw is still on the floor from reading this. Hopefully some of the other wonderful people here can give you better advice.

[cubnamy1995]

You were not unreasonable in the least. Sounds like you and your partner have some serious talking to do. I don't envy your situation. I would stop swinging immediately until you can get your partner to understand how hurtful the whole situation made you feel. If a woman came to me behind my wife's back, I would quickly inform her that my wife is to be involved in EVERYTHING, and if that was unacceptable to her, then we would just have to part company. Good luck to you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by cali_couple

OMG... how could he do this to me, to us? How could he let this woman ignore me and reward her for it? And then try and bar me from contacting her? AND blame me for her actions and his? This was beyond any pain that I can describe. There has to be trust that NO ONE, for ANY REASON will ever come between us in these situations.

Hi cali_couple~

Welcome to the Board.

All those questions I quoted only you can answer, and those answers will come after you talk more with your boyfriend.

Forget about this other woman, she only brought a problem to light that is between you and your boyfriend, which is, your relationship isn't what you thought it was.

At this point the trust you say is so important is no longer there. Don't try to force it back, because it may not have been there to begin with and this event is what has revealed this to you.

It may be a blessing that you have seen this side of your boyfriend.

LM

[4Beauty2C]

This woman has been causing a lot of drama.. Get rid of her.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Hi cali_couple~

Welcome to the Board.

All those questions I quoted only you can answer, and those answers will come after you talk more with your boyfriend.

Forget about this other woman, she only brought a problem to light that is between you and your boyfriend, which is, your relationship isn't what you thought it was.

At this point the trust you say is so important is no longer there. Don't try to force it back, because it may not have been there to begin with and this event is what has revealed this to you.

It may be a blessing that you have seen this side of your boyfriend.

LM

I agree, a swinging couple that has their $#)^ together cannot be harmed from without but only from within.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by cali_couple

To this day he says it's my fault that she did that and he was obliged to fulfill what she expressed that she wanted because I hadn't.

Welcome to the Board.

When swinging as a couple, the first and foremost obligation is to your partner. Full stop, end of story. For him to make the argument that he was "obliged" to do it because of some perceived agreement with her is total BS and suggests he puts his own satisfaction above your relationship.

You mention that "a long time later" you forwarded him the email you had sent her and "to this day" he still brings it up. That together with your post here suggests this issue has been ongoing and still isn't resolved (and may never be). It needs to be resolved for the health of your relationship and definitely before you consider any more swinging. Good luck.

[cali_couple]

Thank you all. I have doubted what I thought and felt. So hurt and betrayed and confused that he saw nothing wrong with this that I started to doubt that I wasn't the one causing problems like he claimed. If I wasn't upset about it there wouldn't be a problem, right?

He did what he wanted to do regardless of what it did to me or to us. When I asked why he was letting this s*&t come between us (sorry for the term but I was so angry) he said that I was the one letting her come between us by even being upset about it. Absolutely no way to win this argument. There could be no more trust when he refuses to see or acknowledge what his actions did.

[VegasLee]

He appears to be making a choice between the two of you.

As an adult it looks like you are going to have to do the same soon.

Not trying to be hard about this, just honest.

[cali_couple]

I know and it breaks my heart. There has been so many things over the years that he has done that show me how much he doesn't care but I kept trying to make things "right", trying harder and harder thinking that if I just gave enough things would be OK.

I know that it's not going to happen. I've also come across a term called Gaslighting (google it). This explains so much and everything I read about it could be describing him to a T. He will not change this behavior and all I can do is take myself out of the mix and save myself the heartache.

[petra6998]

I think that you should take your self out of the mix. There are alot of others out there that will not treat you like that. And if he has been doing other things over the years that show you he don't care, just get rid of him. Let him know that he is not good enough for you...because he is not.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by cali_couple

I know and it breaks my heart. There has been so many things over the years that he has done that show me how much he doesn't care but I kept trying to make things "right", trying harder and harder thinking that if I just gave enough things would be OK.

I know that it's not going to happen. I've also come across a term called Gaslighting (google it). This explains so much and everything I read about it could be describing him to a T. He will not change this behavior and all I can do is take myself out of the mix and save myself the heartache.

I've never heard of the term "Gaslighting" and did Google it. Thanks for bringing this up. One site describing it can be found here.

You have seen a pattern in his behaviour for some time.

It's now time to break away and save yourself.

LM

[JustAskJulie]

Sad to read, but by taking her side over you, he has shown you a complete lack of respect and from the sounds of it you've realized that this is nothing new. It's always hard to end anything regardless of the time invested but sometimes you just gotta know when to walk away. We're here for you if you need to talk.

[ncmd_couple]

Cali,

You said a couple of things, that he is “dominant” and you are not, and that he has told you to just accept the situation, because you didn’t want to share in the dominant roll with the other woman. Not a good situation. You see, all people are selfish, but most won’t admit it. They do things because they want to, often for other reason than what is in their best interest as in your case, because you want the relationship to work. Me? I’m a selfish bastard and I know it. And I treat “L” like gold because I want to, it brings me happiness. In this case, he wants to dominate her in a way more strongly than you and wants to treat her like a slut because she asked for it. In a quirky kind of way, he does feel obligated to treat her that way, and if you won’t participate, then in his mind yes, it is your problem. Gaslighting might very well be a good descriptor for his behavior. Now comes the tough part. Now that you have come to the realization that the problem is with his personality, you have to decide. Be dominated by him, in all ways, or be your own woman and walk away. Remember, to your own self be true.

S

[Alura]

It's a sad story, Cali, and I'd like to give you some hope to salvage your relationship. Unless he can change his attitude, I have to agree that your best bet would be to tell him you're leaving him ... long-distance, from Miami.

Here's hoping you can learn to be a stronger woman and approach your next relationship more equally. I think you'll be much happier.

Mr. Alura