My gf cheated & her friend helped

deriknmd · 02-28-2008, 06:39 PM

I am seeking advice on this situation.

My girl friend cheated on me with the help of her girl friend. The other women was someone we had a 3 some with in the past and behind my back hooked up with "other" men for sex.

This situation was about 3 years ago, my girl cheated on me by setting up to meet 2 men for sex over at her girl friend's house without me being involved. I don't know all the sorted details as to what actual activities were done between all parties, I just know that my gf wanted to be with 2 or more men at once. I found out about the situation after the fact by reading emails on her computer and confronting her.

We were both in the swing lifestyle together and I wasn't ready for her to be with 2 men at the same time. She felt compelled to do this only because I wouldn't let her do something sexually that she wanted.

In my eyes, she broke 2 of our "hard" rules when swinging.

#1 Go at the pace of the slowest person. (she was clearly frustrated at my slowness in the swing life where she wanted to get with other men)

#2 Do not go behind the other person's back to contact someone to "play" or whatever without the other person's knowledge or permission. (we had both played with this female in a 3some)

My gf and I broke up about a year ago because of the mis-trust and lack of communication as time when on after this situation. About 2 months ago we started seeing each other exclusively to try and rebuild what we lost (trust). I just found out recently that my gf still continues to be friends with this female. And yes, I've voiced my option that I don't care for this female.

I recently learned my gf and this other female both had hoped to clear the air from what happened in the past because the other female wants us "all" to hang out together now that she has a bf. While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to appologize over her involment in the incident.

I don't care to associate or to try to be friends with this female because of her indirect involement with helping my gf cheat on me. I told my gf (again) my feelings and that I do not care to be friends in any capacity with this female. Also I didn't like the fact that my gf is still friends with her.

My girl friend thinks I am "unfair" because if I should be mad at anyone....it should be with her and her alone. My girl friend feels that I am making her friend out to be the "bad person".

My girl friend has no intentions of droping this friend or "other" friends when I've voiced my feelings about them.

So my question is....

Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions?

I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me.

** Edit **
I forgot to add that when my gf and I got back together, it was to work on our relationship with each other and to work towards marriage.

**BiloxiCouple** · 02-28-2008, 06:58 PM

We don't any of them personally. You know them much better.

I believe you have already answered your question.

Quote:

So my question is....

Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions?

I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me.

Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. She doesn't need your help or her girlfriends. Her girlfriend isn't a "bad person", just doing what she wants to too.

Now you have to decide if you are more important than the girlfriend. And if your girlfriend thinks so too.

Ellyanne77 · 02-28-2008, 07:03 PM

Wow this just seems to be a hard situation all around.
So from what I'm reading you have forgiven your girlfriend for cheating but not her friend for being a part of it? I can see how you could not want to spend time with the friend but I'm a little confused on why you would spend time with the girlfriend if you can't hang out with her newly attached friend?
From everything you have written it seems you are not over what she did to you so I really think you need to work on that first. Maybe tell your girlfriend that you prefer to work on your relationship with her and rebuild that trust before you start hanging out with other friends and couples together....
During this time you should also reconsider forgiving one but not the other. Your girlfriend's friend was not attached and did not cheat...your girlfriend on the other hand did....

deriknmd · 02-28-2008, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellyanne77

Wow this just seems to be a hard situation all around.
So from what I'm reading you have forgiven your girlfriend for cheating but not her friend for being a part of it?

Correct.

I can see how you could not want to spend time with the friend but I'm a little confused on why you would spend time with the girlfriend if you can't hang out with her newly attached friend?

The friend is not new, they both have stayed friends after the situation. The reason why I want to spend time with my gf is because we both wanted to try to have a relationship....after our breakup.

From everything you have written it seems you are not over what she did to you so I really think you need to work on that first. Maybe tell your girlfriend that you prefer to work on your relationship with her and rebuild that trust before you start hanging out with other friends and couples together....

We each were seeing others b4 we got back together. And when we got back together we said to keep "distractions" away from our work with our relationship. So she knows how I feel about this friend and she chooses to keep her as a friend.

During this time you should also reconsider forgiving one but not the other. Your girlfriend's friend was not attached and did not cheat...your girlfriend on the other hand did....

That's correct, I forgive my gf for cheating, I don't forgive the friend and this only has raised doubt about trust.

I hope that helps.

deriknmd · 02-28-2008, 08:28 PM

BiloxiCouple;308351]
We don't know any of them personally. You know them much better.

Actually I don't really know the other female that well, we had a 3some once and that's the last I ever saw of her.

I believe you have already answered your question.

Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. She doesn't need your help or her girlfriends. Her girlfriend isn't a "bad person", just doing what she wants to too.

Yes, everyone can make their own decisions. Me personally, I would never help a so called friend do bad towards their partner..expecially if my actions would directly affect their relationship as it did ours. What does that say for the friends that we keep?

Now you have to decide if you are more important than the girlfriend.

And if your girlfriend thinks so too.

I really don't have to decide who is important in the matter because she/I should matter to each other and my SO has shown me who she thinks is.

sweet_tna · 02-28-2008, 08:36 PM

Wow. Hats off to you for even being willing to give your girlfriend another chance. I don't know that I'd have been able to in your situation.

I personally think that if your girlfriend really wants your relationship to work, she needs to (at least temporarily) say goodbye to this bad news friend of hers. If that gal is truly a friend, she'll apologize to both of you and back off until/unless she is welcomed back into your lives.

=)

deriknmd · 02-28-2008, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweet_tna

Wow. Hats off to you for even being willing to give your girlfriend another chance. I don't know that I'd have been able to in your situation.

=)

I have to say "WOW" right back to you sweet_tna. Finally someone who "gets it" and I'm not saying that because you agree. I would agree and would do the same if the "tables" were reversed. I would tell my so called friend that I feel my relationship is just too important to allow someone else to come between us.

Thanks again,

D

VegasLee · 02-28-2008, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deriknmd

I would tell my so called friend that I feel my relationship is just too important to allow someone else to come between us.

You may have just answered your own question with that statement.

Maybe she is willing to give it another try but she might also not really be ready to settle down at this point so she is not going to start dumping her friends.

If this does not work out, she does not want to be without her friends. She also seems to want to include her friends in her relationship with you.

Not sure swinging is the thing for the two of you at this point. You now you have things to work out in the relationship and they are going to come up no matter who you are playing with outside of the relationship.

You both have hard choices to make. You feel you want to be back with her but on conditions that you make. She is giving it a try from what you say but she does not want your conditions.

Yes, hard decisions are going to have to be made by both of you and dragging them out is not going to make it any easier. Sit down, just the two of you and decide what you can both live with, or not.

sexcupid · 02-28-2008, 09:41 PM

Well...good luck to you in rekindling your relationship.

The only thing I have an issue with is your comment about her not wanting to drop her friends that you do not like. Not just this girl, but others. THAT is a big red flag for me. The thing is, where friends are concerned, women get just as defensive over them as they do a relationship.

You can still 'focus' on building your relationship and possibly working towards marriage, but I don't think it's healthy to do that to the exclusion of the rest of your social circle.

From the situation that happened before, I don't doubt that you would be loathe to let your girlfriend have separate social time with this girl...and I wouldn't blame you. Obviously, that's when she was setting up these separate playdates. Maybe if you did do some socializing with this girl and her bf you could get to know her...as a person, not just the chick you banged in the threesome with your gf. I'm not saying be super-best-friends with her, but many people 'know' their SO's friends.

As for the 2 rules you state. Yes those are very common rules. Although, rule #2 could have been more explicitly stated 'No Cheating'.

As for pace of the slowest person...that's always a good rule to follow. But what was your agreement before inviting the other female over? 'If we do FMF, then I want to try MFM?' I could see potentially becoming frustrated if I followed through on my end of the deal and you got what you wanted, but then you weren't keen on holding up your end of the bargain. I don't think she went about it the right way...I mean, have you talked about why she did it? What were her reasons?

Good luck with this situation!

graygo98 · 02-28-2008, 09:55 PM

Well, there is very little that I could add that Lee has not already said. And I am not sure I am totally up to speed on all the ins and outs of your story.

But... your GF cheated on you. Her friend was a party to it. You forgive your GF but have issues with her friend for, if I understand it, betraying you somehow?

I have to believe I have this totally bass-ackwards and apologize in advance. But, your relationship is not with her friend. You can't blame her friend for what she does. If you really forgive her, then let it all go. If you don't really, but will on the condition that she ditches her friend, then that's a totally different gig. And, I think, you have it backwards.

Really, her friend doesn't owe you anything. Her loyalty is to your GF. It is your GF who's loyalty is to you, and that was/is where the problem is. Your issue is with your GF only. Not her friends. Get it right with her.

LikeMinds321 · 02-28-2008, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deriknmd

While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to appologize over her involment in the incident.

Not getting an apology when you feel it is due has probably kept you from forgiving your girlfriend's friend. Don't wait around for it, don't expect it, just let it go.

If I was in your shoes I'd decide to give her a second chance and make an effort to know her and her boyfriend, not as playmates (in case you were considering that) but just as vanilla acquaintances.

I think the friends that your girlfriend chooses will tell you a lot about your girlfriend and will help you decide if she's the right girl for you.

Good luck.

LM

**LFM2** · 02-28-2008, 10:29 PM

to board, first of all...

Secondly, I have to agree with graygo98. You really can't blame her friend anymore than you can blame your girlfriend. I can definitely see where you want to, but just a thought off my head -- do you think you might be afraid if she keeps this girlfriend, there could be a repeat of the same situation??

I definitely understand that you'd have problems trusting her with your girlfriend again, I know I would, but you can't control what your girlfriend does, you can't control what your girlfriend's friend does, but you can control what you do.

What you can do is talk with your girlfriend, and hopefully she is on the same page as you. If I were in your situation, I'd put a stop to all thoughts of swinging. Your relationship just doesn't sound strong enough. Keep talking and talk more. Above all, be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend.

This is all just my own opinion and just my $.02 worth. Good Luck to you two... I hope you work things out.

varangian · 02-29-2008, 06:38 AM

deriknmd, I think you need to keep things simple. The simple solution is most often the best. If you accept the girl you must accept her nose, her left hand - and her friends. Another, even better, simple solution: find another girl. This one is not to be trusted. V

**fun4Ds** · 02-29-2008, 06:39 AM

Where do either of you stand in the swinging lifestyle ?

Do you live together ?

Do you go to clubs or have playmates together ?

Do you have a personal ads together and date other couples together ?

Or do you both agree to playing single and seperate with boundries ?

Im confused how any of this relates as swinging. It seems that your just trying to deal with the affair.

deriknmd · 02-29-2008, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Where do either of you stand in the swinging lifestyle ?

Im confused how any of this relates as swinging. It seems that your just trying to deal with the affair.

Thanks for your questions, but if you re-read my original post you will see where I said we were both in the swing life. And the situation wasn't an affair, but a hookup sex.

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02-28-2008, 06:39 PM	#1 (permalink)
deriknmd Registered Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 7 Location: Greenbelt Status: Couple	My gf cheated & her friend helped I am seeking advice on this situation. My girl friend cheated on me with the help of her girl friend. The other women was someone we had a 3 some with in the past and behind my back hooked up with "other" men for sex. This situation was about 3 years ago, my girl cheated on me by setting up to meet 2 men for sex over at her girl friend's house without me being involved. I don't know all the sorted details as to what actual activities were done between all parties, I just know that my gf wanted to be with 2 or more men at once. I found out about the situation after the fact by reading emails on her computer and confronting her. We were both in the swing lifestyle together and I wasn't ready for her to be with 2 men at the same time. She felt compelled to do this only because I wouldn't let her do something sexually that she wanted. In my eyes, she broke 2 of our "hard" rules when swinging. #1 Go at the pace of the slowest person. (she was clearly frustrated at my slowness in the swing life where she wanted to get with other men) #2 Do not go behind the other person's back to contact someone to "play" or whatever without the other person's knowledge or permission. (we had both played with this female in a 3some) My gf and I broke up about a year ago because of the mis-trust and lack of communication as time when on after this situation. About 2 months ago we started seeing each other exclusively to try and rebuild what we lost (trust). I just found out recently that my gf still continues to be friends with this female. And yes, I've voiced my option that I don't care for this female. I recently learned my gf and this other female both had hoped to clear the air from what happened in the past because the other female wants us "all" to hang out together now that she has a bf. While my gf and I were chatting online, she said that this female wanted to talk with me, I wasn't to thrilled because of the way it was done, but I talk with her anyway. I was polite and she never took the first step to appologize over her involment in the incident. I don't care to associate or to try to be friends with this female because of her indirect involement with helping my gf cheat on me. I told my gf (again) my feelings and that I do not care to be friends in any capacity with this female. Also I didn't like the fact that my gf is still friends with her. My girl friend thinks I am "unfair" because if I should be mad at anyone....it should be with her and her alone. My girl friend feels that I am making her friend out to be the "bad person". My girl friend has no intentions of droping this friend or "other" friends when I've voiced my feelings about them. So my question is.... Am I being "unfair" and making her female friend out to being the "bad person" since my gf is suppose to be in control of her own actions? I feel that my gf "values" her friendship with other people more than she "values" her friendship and her relationship with me. Edit I forgot to add that when my gf and I got back together, it was to work on our relationship with each other and to work towards marriage.
	Last edited by deriknmd; 02-28-2008 at 08:30 PM. Reason: added another comment

02-28-2008, 07:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
Ellyanne77 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 137 Location: TN Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:ellyanne77	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped Wow this just seems to be a hard situation all around. So from what I'm reading you have forgiven your girlfriend for cheating but not her friend for being a part of it? I can see how you could not want to spend time with the friend but I'm a little confused on why you would spend time with the girlfriend if you can't hang out with her newly attached friend? From everything you have written it seems you are not over what she did to you so I really think you need to work on that first. Maybe tell your girlfriend that you prefer to work on your relationship with her and rebuild that trust before you start hanging out with other friends and couples together.... During this time you should also reconsider forgiving one but not the other. Your girlfriend's friend was not attached and did not cheat...your girlfriend on the other hand did....

02-28-2008, 08:28 PM	#5 (permalink)
deriknmd Registered Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 7 Location: Greenbelt Status: Couple	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped BiloxiCouple;308351] We don't know any of them personally. You know them much better. Actually I don't really know the other female that well, we had a 3some once and that's the last I ever saw of her. I believe you have already answered your question. Your girlfriend can make her own decisions. She doesn't need your help or her girlfriends. Her girlfriend isn't a "bad person", just doing what she wants to too. Yes, everyone can make their own decisions. Me personally, I would never help a so called friend do bad towards their partner..expecially if my actions would directly affect their relationship as it did ours. What does that say for the friends that we keep? Now you have to decide if you are more important than the girlfriend. And if your girlfriend thinks so too. I really don't have to decide who is important in the matter because she/I should matter to each other and my SO has shown me who she thinks is.

02-28-2008, 08:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
sweet_tna Being good is overrated Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 4,221 Location: Poconos, PA Status: The boss of Mr. Sweet Swing Lifestyle Name:Sweet_tna	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped Wow. Hats off to you for even being willing to give your girlfriend another chance. I don't know that I'd have been able to in your situation. I personally think that if your girlfriend really wants your relationship to work, she needs to (at least temporarily) say goodbye to this bad news friend of hers. If that gal is truly a friend, she'll apologize to both of you and back off until/unless she is welcomed back into your lives. =)
	__________________ I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than heaven wondering what it's like.

02-28-2008, 09:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
sexcupid Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 1,195 Location: San Antonio Status: couple/f Swing Lifestyle Name:sexcupid	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped Well...good luck to you in rekindling your relationship. The only thing I have an issue with is your comment about her not wanting to drop her friends that you do not like. Not just this girl, but others. THAT is a big red flag for me. The thing is, where friends are concerned, women get just as defensive over them as they do a relationship. You can still 'focus' on building your relationship and possibly working towards marriage, but I don't think it's healthy to do that to the exclusion of the rest of your social circle. From the situation that happened before, I don't doubt that you would be loathe to let your girlfriend have separate social time with this girl...and I wouldn't blame you. Obviously, that's when she was setting up these separate playdates. Maybe if you did do some socializing with this girl and her bf you could get to know her...as a person, not just the chick you banged in the threesome with your gf. I'm not saying be super-best-friends with her, but many people 'know' their SO's friends. As for the 2 rules you state. Yes those are very common rules. Although, rule #2 could have been more explicitly stated 'No Cheating'. As for pace of the slowest person...that's always a good rule to follow. But what was your agreement before inviting the other female over? 'If we do FMF, then I want to try MFM?' I could see potentially becoming frustrated if I followed through on my end of the deal and you got what you wanted, but then you weren't keen on holding up your end of the bargain. I don't think she went about it the right way...I mean, have you talked about why she did it? What were her reasons? Good luck with this situation!
	__________________ Maria

02-28-2008, 09:55 PM	#10 (permalink)
graygo98 Swingers Board Addict Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 395 Location: Toronto Status: Couple	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped Well, there is very little that I could add that Lee has not already said. And I am not sure I am totally up to speed on all the ins and outs of your story. But... your GF cheated on you. Her friend was a party to it. You forgive your GF but have issues with her friend for, if I understand it, betraying you somehow? I have to believe I have this totally bass-ackwards and apologize in advance. But, your relationship is not with her friend. You can't blame her friend for what she does. If you really forgive her, then let it all go. If you don't really, but will on the condition that she ditches her friend, then that's a totally different gig. And, I think, you have it backwards. Really, her friend doesn't owe you anything. Her loyalty is to your GF. It is your GF who's loyalty is to you, and that was/is where the problem is. Your issue is with your GF only. Not her friends. Get it right with her.

02-28-2008, 10:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
LFM2 ~This space for rent~ Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,749 Location: across the tracks Status: Couple	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped to board, first of all... Secondly, I have to agree with graygo98. You really can't blame her friend anymore than you can blame your girlfriend. I can definitely see where you want to, but just a thought off my head -- do you think you might be afraid if she keeps this girlfriend, there could be a repeat of the same situation?? I definitely understand that you'd have problems trusting her with your girlfriend again, I know I would, but you can't control what your girlfriend does, you can't control what your girlfriend's friend does, but you can control what you do. What you can do is talk with your girlfriend, and hopefully she is on the same page as you. If I were in your situation, I'd put a stop to all thoughts of swinging. Your relationship just doesn't sound strong enough. Keep talking and talk more. Above all, be honest with yourself and with your girlfriend. This is all just my own opinion and just my $.02 worth. Good Luck to you two... I hope you work things out.
	__________________ Dave & Holly

02-29-2008, 06:38 AM	#13 (permalink)
varangian Here to Stay Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 34 Location: Europe Status: couple	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped deriknmd, I think you need to keep things simple. The simple solution is most often the best. If you accept the girl you must accept her nose, her left hand - and her friends. Another, even better, simple solution: find another girl. This one is not to be trusted. V

02-29-2008, 06:39 AM	#14 (permalink)
fun4Ds Julie's Helper Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 6,485 Location: Behind door #2 Status: Couple Swing Lifestyle Name:mrmrsfun	Re: My gf cheated & her friend helped Where do either of you stand in the swinging lifestyle ? Do you live together ? Do you go to clubs or have playmates together ? Do you have a personal ads together and date other couples together ? Or do you both agree to playing single and seperate with boundries ? Im confused how any of this relates as swinging. It seems that your just trying to deal with the affair.

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