My husband told me tonight that we are not compatible...

[ambergirl]

Hi all

Reading the messages on the swingers board I feel that a lot of people on this board have good advice and wondered if there is anything they feel I can do regarding my situation. My husband and I have been married only 6 months and he has told me tonight (and previous occasions) that we are not compatible. The reason is that I am not as keen on swinging as he is. Some experiences (which started very early in our relationship) I have enjoyed but have always been a bit uneasy. It has seemed to me as though he has pushed more and more and I have gone further and further. I keep withdrawing for a while and this only angers him, as even when we are swinging a lot (by my standards) he is less than happy as I am not swinging/webcamming/flashing all the time. He won't make plans for a weekend in case we can go swinging, I cannot remember the last time he wanted to do anything else with me (other than the annual holiday and even then he would like me to play which so far I have resisted).

So my question is, is there anything I can do to stay together with him? Although he had previous partners who did not swing it seems as though I alone am not enough for him (even though he does not want to swing himself, he likes to watch me). I think he needs other men to want me to make him feel good about me as his partner. I would go to counselling but I just really feel he does not value the relationship enough without the swinging to consider that - maybe I have to concede defeat? Would some of the people on this board leave their partner if they did not swing? Does it make a difference that we never really had a relationship before without the swinging? I don't know if I should try again to keep swinging despite my reservations. I would like to have other fun in my life too but think that swinging is all he wants.

Any advice would be much appreciated - sorry for the long post.

[Alura]

He does seem to be a bit obsessed doen't he, Ambergirl? Anything in life can be overdone and it looks like your husband has hit that level with swinging.

Frankly, I doubt that he'll give it up. Hell, he won't even do anything else. I don't see a lot of hope for a relationship you'll ever be comfortable with and my guess is he won't be satisfied or bored with swinging for some time to come.

Thank you for your nice words about the folks who answer questions on this board. There'll soon be more to cast an opinion.

Alura

[MrsPandMe]

Amber,

This is a very difficult situation for you, and I think that even with the advice on this board, you need to do a lot of soul searching and have a very frank discussion with your husband to find out what's going on here.

Under NO circumstances should you consider swinging to make him happy. Not only does that violate your sense of self, but it also puts a terrible strain on the couples you're playing with. It's very VERY difficult to hide internal strife from a swing partner.

If you don't mind, how long were you dating your husband before you married? Was the relationship different from the time you were dating vs. marriage? When did you notice this problem developing?

You posed the question "would you leave your partner if he/she didn't swing". This is interesting that you posed this question in this way, because I think this is what you think will happen when you tell him that you're done swinging solely for his benefit. I know it has to be very difficult, and there's no way to make this pill go down any easier, but you need to stand up for what YOU believe in. If you're uncomfortable with the circumstances, you have to make the difficult decision and confront the issue. There's just no way around it. It's not going to get better.

I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but the reality of your situation is what it is, and it's up to you to stand up and say that you're not going to continue in this way. The sooner, the better.

If you're looking for an opinion of "what is he thinking" here on the board, I'm sure you'll find our opinions will probably parallel what you already know. You have the answer to your question in your hand. Now's the time to step up and do something with it.

Mr. P

[FloridaFlirt]

Originally Posted by ambergirl

So my question is, is there anything I can do to stay together with him?

In a word: NOPE.

[twohots4u2]

Unfortunately, it sounds as if he is only thinking with his little head, and has forgotten what marriage is all about. The only thing we can recommend is to talk, talk, and talk with him (not nagging, indepth listening and communicating) to help him understand that to be good in a relationship, swinging has to be a mutual sought endevor. Otherwise, swinging for the sake of one party is a relationship killer.

The bottom line is that he has to respect your wishes with respect to swinging if your life together has a future.

Best wishes.

[sereneiders]

Amber,

As for us, I strogly believe we can do this because we don't need to do it, and we wouldn't be able to keep doing this if someone of us were needing to.

However, your case is a particular one. You've been married for six months and, it seems, you two started your relationship almost while already swinging. As for us, we were togheter for about 18 years and we started swinging 4 years ago.

Most swingers we know of, or that we asked for advice on how to start, followed the same path: they already had a well settled relationship and that was the grounds enabling them to swing.

In the other hand, we've meet young people -and perhaps there's something generational here-, and even here you find them asking for advice, who attempts to build the relationship from the scratch giving for granted they would keep having recreational sex the same way they used to before meeting.

In certain way, they're taking the same road in the opposite direction. I cannot tell if this is good or wrong, nor dare to provide advice about this way, because this doesn't fit our personal experience, nor the experience from other swingers around us.

Anyway, I feel it fits to point out something that, taking the road in our way, makes sense for us: to tell appart swinging from recreational sex, that in my oppinion, is the reason to claim single people aren't swingers, even when they may be playing with swingers, and to claim only settle couples are swingers. From my point of view, swinging is recreational sex, but the recreational sex is allowed under certain strict terms defined by the couple to protect each other (physically and emotionally) and preserve the relationship.

Following this point of view, the recreational sex is subsidiary, and it doesn't worth to even threat the couple's relationship, and that's what become "swinging".

In the other hand, single guys engaging in recreational sex and even playing with swingers has nothing to loose in the process. If something doesn't work, they can just move on into something different and keep having fun.

Every couple makes a set of private commitments from where to ground the relationship. When I say I cannot provide advice is because it seems to me the freedom to share and enjoy the recreational sex is part of this original commitment in those cases.

When you have your commitment already done and accepted, and afterwards you start swinging - under the terms required to preserve the original commitment -, you can stop swinging at any time and get back to where you was before, sticking to the original commitment.

But in cases like yours, where the commitment already includes this freedom (or obligation) for the shared sexuality, if you want to stop sharing it, you're already breaking the commitment that are the grounds for your relationship! From here, I cannot foresight any fair solution for any of you: sharing the sexuality against your will doesn't work, and breaking the original commitmen doesn't seems to work either!

Unless you're able to build up a new, totally different commitment, from the scratch (wich isn't impossible but would require a hard work and that you two feels it worth the effort), I think you're at a dead end here.

Of course, I cannot claim it is a dead end because I am trying to put myself in your shoes without any valid clue comming from my personal experience.

All I know is, everyone of us have expectations. Things goes well for as long as they stick to our expectations. Your husband expects you to keep swinging, webcaming and flashing, and it was you the one who allowed him to expect this from you. You want to stop or to slower down a couple of notches because you expected this would be reasonable and acceptabe for him, and he allowed you to expect this.

It seems to me you two have diferent expectations for the relationship, and neither of you ever dare to make them explicit out of the fear of drawing a line risking to spoil the relationship. In certain way, you lie to each other, and to yourselves... not on purpose nor having devilish intentions, but just to be able to remain togheter, hoping things eventually would fall in it place... according to the expectations each one of you alrady developed.

Again, my lack of experience doesn't allow me to claim this is a weak terrain from where to build up a relationship, I only can say this is what I feel.

In any case, it seems wise to start communicating to each other, to start talking about the expectations each one of you have, as to find out if there is a future for the relationship or not.

[oncewere]

Think about it. Here is a woman who's husband doesn't respect her or her wishes. He gets angry with her when she won't do things she's not comfortable with. Because she doesn't love what is a violation of her standards he says they are not compatible.
And still she wants to know what to do to stay with him. I gotta appreciate her, she deserves someone so much better than him.

Damn it woman, you are not just his sex toy. You deserve to be loved, nurtured, paid attention to, and cared for. Someone who cares so much deserves better than this jerk. Women in abusive relationships often cling to the marriage long after it should be over. Don't accept his obsession. OP, do yourself a big favor and don't get pregnant with this jerk. That would make the inevitable separation more traumatic.

Swinging should be fun, not torture. Marriage should be mutually satisfying. Fortunately you only have six months invested in this dysfunctional marriage. Please find a guy who will treasure you, respect you. This guy doesn't.

Oh, and by the way, don't blame swinging for the problems. Real swinging is more compatible with the guy you should be with.

Just my not so humble opinion.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi ambergirl, I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you're having to put up with.

First and foremost, you are swinging reluctantly - you don't want to. I suggest you stop swinging. Do not do anything that you don't deep-down, truly want to do.

Originally Posted by ambergirl

I think he needs other men to want me to make him feel good about me as his partner. I would go to counselling but I just really feel he does not value the relationship enough without the swinging to consider that - maybe I have to concede defeat?

I suggest that you enter counseling on your own, first. Seek counseling for yourself, regardless of whether he thinks it's important to go as a couple or not.

Hugs!!!

[Lawguy]

Originally Posted by ambergirl

Hi all

Reading the messages on the swingers board I feel that a lot of people on this board have good advice and wondered if there is anything they feel I can do regarding my situation. My husband and I have been married only 6 months and he has told me tonight (and previous occasions) that we are not compatible. The reason is that I am not as keen on swinging as he is. Some experiences (which started very early in our relationship) I have enjoyed but have always been a bit uneasy. It has seemed to me as though he has pushed more and more and I have gone further and further. I keep withdrawing for a while and this only angers him, as even when we are swinging a lot (by my standards) he is less than happy as I am not swinging/webcamming/flashing all the time. He won't make plans for a weekend in case we can go swinging, I cannot remember the last time he wanted to do anything else with me (other than the annual holiday and even then he would like me to play which so far I have resisted).

So my question is, is there anything I can do to stay together with him? Although he had previous partners who did not swing it seems as though I alone am not enough for him (even though he does not want to swing himself, he likes to watch me). I think he needs other men to want me to make him feel good about me as his partner. I would go to counselling but I just really feel he does not value the relationship enough without the swinging to consider that - maybe I have to concede defeat? Would some of the people on this board leave their partner if they did not swing? Does it make a difference that we never really had a relationship before without the swinging? I don't know if I should try again to keep swinging despite my reservations. I would like to have other fun in my life too but think that swinging is all he wants.

Any advice would be much appreciated - sorry for the long post.

Hi Amber,
I would tell my husband, "You know, I think that we SHOULD swing! In fact, let's do separate rooms. . . No, I've got a better idea: let's do separate houses in separate countries!" He'll get the point.

Lawguy

[NakedInSeattle]

Mr. P makes a lot of sense as do the other responders. I love Lawguy's solution!

[ShellyM]

OP, my heart goes out to you. Everyone has given great advice, and I agree. Number one girl, you absolutely CANNOT do something that you do not want to do. Number one, in my book thats akin to sexual assault. Not by the man or woman you are playing with who innocently think you are into them, but by the man that should love and protect you, not do this shit. You cannot lie there suffering on the inside because your husband gets his rocks off by watching you. Not when you aren't into it. Man, it pisses me off just to think about it.
Girl, if you are not "compatible" because you won't do what he wants to do than I say you aren't compatible. Now, I'm not telling you what to do either way. If you wish to stay in the marriage I think marital counseling is needed ASAP and swinging has to cease immediately. I am afraid to ask how he treats you in other areas of your relationship when he is this domineering about swinging. Its easy for me to say, I know that. But I truly feel for you girl. Take care, stay safe. Please keep yourself safe. You deserve better than this crap.
Shelly

[turnuptheheat]

The question you ask is coming from the wrong direction.
It really should be "is there anything HE can do?"
The answer would be that he could treat you with a little respect.
If you continue to go places you are uncomfortable with, you will lose yourself to someone who is evidently using you to achieve his own selfish gratification.
I wish you luck.
Maybe having him read the thread would open his eyes?

[ambergirl]

Hi guys

Thank you to everyone for their replies, I really appreciate everyone's time and opinion. I do feel as though I have sort of (unintentionally) given my husband a "bad press". I am also responsible in as much as I have been confused with the swinging issue from the start, although I know an outright "no" would have meant the end of us early on. My husband isn't abusive to me in any way, he is just so much keener than I am to do a lot more, and more often. He wants it so much he ends up pushing me (he does try not to). The fantasy of the swinging turns me on, unfortunately the reality does not meet the fantasy ideal.

Some of the experiences I have positively enjoyed, I am not helping the situation by my confusion. I feel insecure that we would stay together without swinging, but then so many marriages seem to end in affairs, the swinging may add excitement and keep people together longer. On the other hand when you get to a stage where you no longer want to swing what happens then? If we could just get on with life and have the occasional experience IF I felt open to it, rather than him constantly wondering when something might happen, and me worrying that he is hoping for something and it hasn't happened fast enough, we might get somewhere.

Thank you all again so much for listening, I know my husband can't help that he wants what he wants, we will just have to see whether it works.

[prettylady]

Ambergirl,
Please don't make excuses for your husband.
Point of fact he is not being understanding of your feelings. As already stated swinging is something for you both to do and enjoy, not an obligation as a good and dutiful wife.
Once and only once I "took one for the team" and it took a long time to get over. I never felt so wrong and sick about myself that it almost ruined my relationship with Dog. Dog was devistated that I was feeling this way, he had no idea that I was feeling this. We stopped swinging until I was feeling better not once was the word swinging even brought up until I said it.
That is what swinging is all about, mutual respect for one anothers feelings.
Oh right and fantastic sex. But if you are not comfortable with the situation there is no way in hell is the sex going to be fantastic.
Think about yourself here girly, someone needs to, as it seems your husband is too busy thinking about himself to worry about you.
Your friend,
Prettylady

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by ambergirl

Hi guys

Thank you to everyone for their replies, I really appreciate everyone's time and opinion. I do feel as though I have sort of (unintentionally) given my husband a "bad press". I am also responsible in as much as I have been confused with the swinging issue from the start, although I know an outright "no" would have meant the end of us early on. My husband isn't abusive to me in any way, he is just so much keener than I am to do a lot more, and more often. He wants it so much he ends up pushing me (he does try not to). The fantasy of the swinging turns me on, unfortunately the reality does not meet the fantasy ideal.

Some of the experiences I have positively enjoyed, I am not helping the situation by my confusion. I feel insecure that we would stay together without swinging, but then so many marriages seem to end in affairs, the swinging may add excitement and keep people together longer. On the other hand when you get to a stage where you no longer want to swing what happens then? If we could just get on with life and have the occasional experience IF I felt open to it, rather than him constantly wondering when something might happen, and me worrying that he is hoping for something and it hasn't happened fast enough, we might get somewhere.

Thank you all again so much for listening, I know my husband can't help that he wants what he wants, we will just have to see whether it works.

It seems to me there are two different issues going on here.

Before even starting to discuss wheter you should or shouldn't swing, it seems fit to make yourself a question:

Why are you two togheter, in the first place? Why are you with him, what made you chose him? and vice versa... why is he with you, what made him choose you?

If the answer were just something like "because we found a special one able to understand my need to have sex with other people", then you have a big problem. And it isn't that this is the "wrong" answer nor anything like that. It'd be valid as many other reasons, but this sort of answer is the one leading you to where you are right now.

Originally Posted by ambergirl

I am also responsible in as much as I have been confused with the swinging issue from the start, although I know an outright "no" would have meant the end of us early on.

This is pure gold for your own questions. Reading this, you may say "so, she actually lie to him, hoping to buy enough time for him to fall in love with her", much like those women who get pregnant on purpose without the guy knowing about the purpose (or fake about pregnancy) hoping the same.

So, this would make you the evildoer here, right? Then, you deserve all of this, right? Wrong. Instead, I'd say there's no victims here, and you should dig a little deeper:

Why you undervaluated yourself as to suppose you had nothing else to offer to him, but to stick to the woman he fantasize about in his wildest dreams -who, btw, happens to be "a slut" able to fuck everything that moves-?

And this isnt a judgment for "the slutty behavior", since such a behavior drives me crazy myself, but a question about what do you believe you have to offer in a relationship to a male, about why someone in the face of earth would chose you instead of the guy next door.

I believe you have to answer this question, first. Look as yoursef as a product, know your price, and just then figure out if your husband is willing to pay the price. If he's not, then you have no future togheter (and still you may prettend you have a future, at the cost of giving up yourself for free).

For what it may worth, I'll tell you why I am with my wife, and why I believe she's with me as well. Because I admire her as a woman, as a person. I admire her way of thinking, her attitude to face the life and the problems... but she also admires some features I have myself, wich make both of us REALLY respectfull about each other take and actions. Because she's the one able to bring the best of me to surface, and she enjoys what she brings... to the point of being generous enough as to encourage me to bring the same things with other women, enjoying me... being me, that me that is her artwork, her craft. We enjoy to know we're being ourselves when having sex togheter and with other people, and without this, I am pretty sure we wouldn't be swinging.

This may sound arrogant, but I feel I am really lucky, that it doesn't exist the chance to find out a woman in the face of earth able to compete against my wife, hence, that she is the BEST WOMAN in the world. And I honestly hope every other couple to feel like I feel about their respective partners... in this case, I hope you to be able to feel like this about your husband... and your husband to be able to feel like this about you.

Does he?