Is It SUPPOSED to Feel Like A Break-Up?

[ohash01]

I have been missing from the site for so long because things have been going splendidly. Well, today that changed...soooo...surprise! I'm back!

We have been with the same couple for about a year and a half now. They are actually the ONLY couple we've been with for that long. We see one another on swinging-terms atleast once a month...we have cook-outs, we go out on the town, and I go jogging with the F of the couple 3 times a week...I thought we were tight. We were swing-partners first, then friends. Which is why I was completely thrown for a loop today.

She e-mailed me and asked if we wanted to split a hotel room this weekend. I said sorry, but we have plans and money is a bit tight, so we can't spend any on playtime right now. Would they rather come over and stay at our house one weekend soon. She responded and dropped a "well...I suppose we don't really have that much in common anymore...we haven't been hanging out as much...and you can never get a hotel room with us. The swinging probably isn't going to work for us anymore...but we can still be friends if you guys want." Woah. What? I was confused for a minute...like...is she kidding? Then I realized she was serious. She called it off.

I wasn't ready. It feels like we have just been dumped. J. is FAR less concerned about this than I am...his whole demeanor is "That's ok! Let's look for something new!". My attitude is "But...but...I LIKED them. REALLY liked them. I had my first girl-crush on her...*sniff, sniff*" Yes...I actually cried a few tears.

How do I handle this? We could still be friends with them...sure...but would there be a lot of sexual tension after that? Would we be expected to talk about swinging with them, but not be able to swing with them? This is our first swinging "break-up". I really have no idea what to do next...

[VegasLee]

Many over the years have seen me talk about the "new lifestyle." The one where people do more then just have recreational sex for fun with other people. Where they get into "relationships" outside of the only relationship that counts, the one between a husband and wife.

This is what happens. Many say it does not effect the main relationship but it really does. I know if Laura is sitting around crying and in the dumps because of some dumb by someone out side of our relationship it is going to effect us. It takes away from US.

Many today want all this lets be friends, hang out, do things and get heavily involved with others but it takes a mental toll on people.

This is supposed to be about having fun. Getting involved to the point of "breaking up" does not sound like much fun to me.

Sounds like the other couples is being honest with you, that they don't feel there is much in common and they want to move on.

If it was me, I would keep it simple and move on. Why stress over something that is supposed to be exciting and fun in your life.

[good times]

No surprise, I agree completely with VegasLee.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if they decided to cool the swinging with you because they felt you were getting to emotionally involved, I know that is what we do when a swing partner starts relating to us that way. In fact, we have had this happen several times and had to break it off. If you are shedding tears over it, you are too emotionally involved, in my opinion.

Whether you can still be friends with them without the sex is probably up to you. Most of the people we broke it off with for this reason couldn't, but it is possible. We have remained good friends with previous play partners after the fun of having sex with them waned, but I have to admit, neither of us were feeling emotional about it and both were able to easily accept that while we could hang out for fun, no sex was going to happen with each other again. We have had others that really want to remain friends after the sex was over because they secretly hoped we would change our mind, in these cases it just didn't work out and we would always have to stop seeing them on a friends level as well.

One of my new things I have been telling new folks that I never would have thought was necessary, but the "new swingers" VegasLee speaks of have made it so, is "We aren't looking for boyfriends or girlfriends, we are just looking for friendly sex".

[ShellyM]

OP, I have to agree with the others on this girl. You were too emotionally attached. Now in my opinion you have got to have only the "thank you, come again" attitude. This is about the lust factor. Emotional attachments change things. Now, don't get me wrong...you do have your favorites. I think every couple has 1 or 2 couples that they really like or who rock their worlds. But you have to be careful about attachments. I had one guy ask me to send him pics to his cell phone so he could look at me while he was at work...full nudes was the request none the less LOL. You have got to separate yourself from this couple girl. Your hubby may become concerned if you are moping around your house. Keep your chin up!! This happens. In truth it has happened to me once, and then I learned...I have found to really be cautious with people I click well with. You know, the ones that you meet and feel almost immediately like you have known them for years...I am extra cautious when I meet people like that. Anyways girl, just stay encouraged. And let them go. If you see them at the club definately be friendly. But you have got to move forward.
Shelly

[daisy girl]

I have to agree that it sounds like you were becoming emotionally involved. I think that different people have different ideas about swinging and sometimes the ideas are different between people. I know it hurts but sounds like this is an opportunity for you to reflect.

[ohash01]

Shelly, I am so glad you had this happen to you once before too. I feel less like an idiot now. I could hardly believe my own reaction. I'm not an emotional kind of girl. I was lucky in college and had my best friend as the best fuck buddy and it never messed anything up...I guess I thought I could do it with other people too.

J. and I talked at length this afternoon/evening...and he's right about some stuff...this will allow us to expand our horizons a bit, if you will. We had stayed a happy little foursome and passed up some other interesting opportunities. I just feel like I fell for a little "oh...look how much we have in common" line, and wasn't able to keep perspective on how we met them, and why we met them. We learned a long time ago that swinging with "already friends" is a BAD, BAD idea. I guess we've now learned that making swinging friends is also a BAD idea. Live and learn, I suppose.

My mid-year resolution: Be more duck-like. Let the stuff just roll right off my back.

[Chicup]

You know I once had this girl I fell in love with. I really liked her, even though there were a dozen 'red flags' about her, but I was young and foolish, but it didn't matter. She broke up with me and I was crushed. I decided that falling for a girl was a bad idea and gave it up forever.

If the above was true (well she did crush me) it would be stupid and sad at the same time. Shit happens, sometimes you get hurt in life.

Likewise swinging friends can hurt you a bit more than the average friendship if they call it off. Its a lot closer even if there are no love aspects involved. We had long time swinger friends and the guy did something that just REALLY pissed me off, I was ready to tell'em to take a hike and I even posted here angerly about not having swinging friends much like your post. But I got over it , and we are still friends after I beat into his head what he did wrong. Even if I would have ended it, I still wouldn't have a problem finding swingers who could be 'real' friends rather than people we casually have sex with. We have had both in the lifestyle and while the sex is the same we just enjoy the company of swingers moren so having swinger friends is rather nice. Our relationship isn't as such that it will be greatly damaged by outside couples.

So sure find new people, take a step back from a new perspective, but don't become so worried about getting hurt that you don't act like yourself.

[ShellyM]

ohash, it happens in such a subtle way you don't realize its happening.
We started talking, and we instantly clicked. I mean, almost instantly it was like we had known each other for years. Before you realize what has happened you are talking for hours each night. Thank goodness I am a part of a couple. Jay sat my ass down and told me straight out what he was seeing. This really put a stress on our relationship, and my marriage is my most important concern. So I told him that we would no longer have any contact. No emails, IM's, nothing. Once I stepped back from it I was blown away at myself. Thank goodness we never met. So yes, I can relate. Now when we meet a couple and the hubby and I really click I am extra cautious. We only usually IM when the other is around, and we have a set amount of time that we spend on the computer. You live and learn. Shelly

[WeMayTryIt]

Does anyone have a true success story of friends with bennies? One that started off as friends first or sex first, either way. Apparently the odds are strikingly dismal--is it truly even possible? This will probably sound rude (it's not meant to be), but I've heard dozens of "it doesn't work" stories, and don't need more evidence that it doesn't--I'm looking for ANY evidence that it can, and what it takes to make it work, from people who have actually made it work.

thanks

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by ohash01

J. and I talked at length this afternoon/evening...and he's right about some stuff...this will allow us to expand our horizons a bit, if you will.

Hi ohash, it sounds like you're aleady looking at the bright side and moving on. Good for you!

Something seemed weird in the story. They must have been currently attracted and interested in you, or else why would they be initiating trying to set up meeting you in a hotel? Then, just because you couldn't do it that weekend, they cut it off permanently? I wonder if there was something else to that....like maybe, pouting and a temper tantrum? "If you don't come out and play right now, I'm never playing with you again"....like 6-year-olds. Hmmm?

You said, "I guess we've now learned that making swinging friends is also a BAD idea." Wow, I hope this isn't true. We like to make friends with people we swing with, if possible. Just not to the degree that you went to. What if you try a more moderate approach? No going exclusive (longterm poly-like thing), and no seeing them multiple times per week. What about being friends that get together every now and then (maybe 1-2 weekend nights a month), and have others that you see, too? Could be the best of both worlds.