My wife won't "swing" but wants to have sex with this man...

[couplerss]

here is what is going on. we were in the lifestyle for about two years. we had the normal ups and downs. them my wife decided that she did not want to be in the lifestyle and more. she could not give me any reason for that just that that was the way it was going to be. we had some fights about it but in the end i relized that i loved her more than the lifestyle.

now after more than a year out of the life i noticed her flirting with a friend of ours quite a bit. i ask her about it and she told me that she was hot for him and wanted him. well we set it up and she got with him and had a good time. what i dont understand is that a few days later we were talking and the she got real mad when the topic of the lifestyle came up and told me that she would never be in it again but when she talks about what happened with him she does not have a problem and even told me that she would like to have him again.she has me very confused and i was hopeing that someone on here could help me understand what is going on.

[DICK BUTTONS]

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too....either she embraces the lifestyle or not.

[havefuninsun]

When you say you were "in the lifestyle," what exactly do you mean?

VegasLee put it best on another thread. Some folks LIVE the lifestyle; it's a way of life, and they really don't care who knows. Other folks play well with others, or have swing buddies -- in other words, getting together with friends is just a recreational activity, not a lifestyle.

(I don't think you have to embrace the lifestyle to be able to have fun).

If you guys were really once living the lifestyle and she got burned out of it, I can see that. It's hard work to plan for parties, go to clubs, chat online with new prospects, go on dates, etc. etc. ... it can consume your life. Maybe she just wants the occasional get together with friends with benefits.

You just need to talk more and figure out what all is going through her mind. She may have met some creepy people before and felt uneasy, so going "there" again isn't appealing.

[dayhiker]

I agree with fun in the sun ...
There is something going on in her mind and she isn't willing to share it with you. At least that's what it sounds like to me. I don't have a clue what it is.
Maybe ask her if she is thinking more about poly than swinging?

More talking, found out what she is afraid of or ashamed of or ? We just don't know I'm guessing

dayhiker

[funfun31]

Originally Posted by DICK BUTTONS

Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too....either she embraces the lifestyle or not.

Or, to be more blunt "I want to be able to f--- other guys, but I can't stand the thought of you f---ing other women." Yeah. This is a classic scenario, and a no-win situation for you. It's time for the two of you to sit down and discuss this... and don't let her fly off the handle. Tell her that you deserve a REAL explanation as to why she wanted to get out of the lifestyle. Is it a jealousy issue? Does she feel that you get too emotionally atttached to the other women you've been with? What's the deal? That is the only real way you can work this out to your satidfaction. If my wife wanted to get out, that's fine. Like you, I love her more than the lifestyle (but I would still want to know why). The way I look at it is this : you're either in the lifestyle or not in the lifestyle. If you still want to have a little play here and there, there should be a give and take. She brings an extra guy into your bed, you should be able to bring an extra woman into the bed. "Quid pro quo, Clarise", as ol Hannibal would say.

Hope you can work this out to your satisfaction.

[FloridaFlirt]

Sounds like she wants the "hotwife" lifestyle, where she can have whoever and you just have to accept it. I know a couple in this situation, and personally cannot see how it benefits them as a couple. But hey, to each his own, I reckon....

[Mr. HW Sharona]

Originally Posted by FloridaFlirt

Sounds like she wants the "hotwife" lifestyle, where she can have whoever and you just have to accept it. I know a couple in this situation, and personally cannot see how it benefits them as a couple. But hey, to each his own, I reckon....

That's a Cuckold relationship, not a HotWife one. Sharona plays but I don't 'Accept it', I encourage it! facelick I can play with others but choose not to, it's not what turns me on. I LOVE seeing her fuck or know she is getting laid because she is an incredibly sexual woman and it's the Hottest thing ever seeing her have sex, or knowing she is getting her world rocked!

Now, in a cuck relationship the guy does not have a say in his wife's activities (Most of the time) and he just accepts it, and he may actualy get off on the fact that his wife is having sex with others to disrespect/humiliate him.

[SuAndBud]

Originally Posted by couplerss

well we set it up and she got with him and had a good time.

Are we to understand that you weren't present?

Maybe it's more of an "open relationship" that she favours, possibly so she can choose her partners for herself, rather than as a joint decision.

Those sort of relationships can work, too.

[WesternSwing]

If I was a betting man I'd say there is more going on here than she is letting-on to. It sounds (and mind you just sounds) like she might get jealous when you're having sex with another woman. She likes swinging as long as you are not the one doing it because THAT makes her uneasy.

Don't know if that is it, but it was the first thing that came to mind when I read your post.

Mr. WS

[intuition897]

If it's not a matter of a double standard, where she gets to play but you don't, then I'm inclined to think that maybe she just doesn't like the idea of being called a 'swinger' or 'in the lifestyle'. She doesn't like the label. She seems to enjoy the same benefits...she just doesn't want to call a spade a spade.

In any case, as funfun31 said, it's time for you to demand an explanation. She cannot expect you to just blindly go along with her whims and not understand why...not when the stakes are so high. Lack of understanding or misunderstandings are where problems start. Don't be one of the sorry statistics. I have to give her credit: she owned up to being hot for the other guy instead of not trusting you with this admission and screwing around behind your back. I've read lots of accounts of this very thing happening when one person is dishonest with themselves. You can let her know that you probably aren't going to argue with her about it, but you really do need to understand what's going on in her head. Let her know that it feels like she's pushing you away when she won't talk to you.

[SirDavidandhalo]

Perhaps she does not like swinging as a couple. In another thread I learned the term "taking one for the team" :surrender Perhaps she simply got tired of that. Perhaps she wants to be able to choose who she wants to play with without having to consider your wants. Try asking her if it is ok if you choose seperately as well. This may work better for you both. Just a thougth.