I'm getting emotionally attached...and I'm scared

[sigh35]

Edison Carter...I know nothing...I read nothing...this isn't even sigh35, this is someone who broke into her house, stole her password and logged on!! P.S....this does not sound like swinging, this sounds like your ordinary Jerry Springer family drama sorts thing...PPS...Shelly M I do think you're great and not in a bi way...I just like how you think

[sereneiders]

Well, this has to do to the beware of making swingers out of firends advice you'll find ad nauseum in this board.

Now you may have to choose to give up on this friendship for good... did it worth this to get laid? Of course, I am not addressing the OP specifically with this comment, but all the visitors thinking the best way to start swinging is with a close friend.

Back to the OP, in your particular scenario, it seems your husband could be up for some sort of polyamorous relationship, and despicts your friend's take on this, that you're the one that wouldn't be able to manage something like this, since you seem to be a jealous person.

I agree with your husband, you cannot control your feelings, and love isn't a "limited resource" that you only can offer to one person at a time. I share his mindsetting about this, I mean "for as long a she loves me, and I keep getting what I usually get from her, I don't care if she loves someone's else" (nor make a "contest" to see who's the loved one who gets "the most").

It is preciselly this "lack of control" and your jealous the features that you two shoud have taken into account when picking a friend for your first experience.

I also wonder how many relationships (involving sex) you had before your husband. If few, you could be just confussing rush and love.

The best scenario I foresight as the outcome would be a polyamorous relationship, since in any other scenario, from your own personal features, one of the relationships seems to be deemed and hardly would survive (and I guess, this one would be yourfriendship). And unless you learn a way to deal with your jealous (IMO, insecurities), and fast... the best scenarios doesn't seems to be feasible.

PS: In THIS case I agree with Chicup... even when having some pretty opposite arguments to his but it doesn't surprise me, anyway

[intuition897]

I think the problem is that you are still measuring love with sex. You're jealous of this man being "unfaithful" to you by having sex with another woman? While you're free to have sex with multiple men? Sorry but the double standard doesn't sit well with me. This isn't an attack as it's really NOMB, but if you ask me, it just shows that the problem is not some outside problem; the problem lies within your own head. Try figuring out why you feel this jealousy. What is it that you're trying to accomlish? I'm a poly-friendly kind of person, so I can appreciate your desire for multiple relationships. I just don't feel that jealousy should play any part in it.

[luvjazz]

Oh, I absolutely agree that the problem is all in my head. That's why I came here, to sort of "re-program" myself out of all the crap going on in my mind. And the sex with the friend is certainly over, at least for the near future, as we no longer live close enough to make that possible. I don't *think* I'm jealous of him sleeping with another woman per se, it's just that it happened (if it did, which I'm not completely sure and have no desire to ask) so soon after our encounter. He has told me in the past that he is not one for casual sex at all, and considering how much thought went into whether or not he would participate with us, his friends, I was doubly surprised that he spent the night with someone he just met. Combine that with no communication from him for a few days, when immediately prior we were talking or texting multiple times a day, and thus begins my emotional downward spiral.

I don't know. Shit, maybe this *is* a Jerry Springer scenario in the making! Hubby and I did experiment with some other related activities last night, and we are making plans to hook up with someone else next month. And neither of us have any intention of breaking off the friendships. I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything I've been feeling over the past week. I would adore, absolutely adore, a poly-type relationship. But I'm pretty sure my friend isn't into that. Would I like to know that he felt something for me that night too? Absolutely. Could we continue on as friends after knowing that? I do believe so.

Weird. I'm gonna stop before I start sounding like a freakin' soap opera.

[Tybee Swing]

Hi luvjazz, first of all, welcome! You've come to the right place to talk about this topic, and seek some guidance. There are many very introspective, intelligent people here. Stick around - you're going to like it here.

Originally Posted by luvjazz

He has told me in the past that he is not one for casual sex at all, and considering how much thought went into whether or not he would participate with us, his friends, I was doubly surprised that he spent the night with someone he just met.

Swinging IS casual sex. At it's very core, this is the definition of swinging. Swinging and Poly are two very different things. I think that differentiating between the two will help clear the cloud of confusion for you. Talking about MFM with your husband and initiating the act is swinging.

Worrying about this single guy's dating life and being kind of miffed that he had sex quickly with the new girl he's starting to date is not the way swingers think. This man isn't your boyfriend.

Originally Posted by luvjazz

I would adore, absolutely adore, a poly-type relationship. But I'm pretty sure my friend isn't into that. Would I like to know that he felt something for me that night too? Absolutely.

As I was reading through this thread, I had a feeling that you may be more Poly than Swinger - at least for now. You're pretty sure your friend isn't into Poly, and you wish you could explore his feelings more (if he felt something for you).

What about your husband's feelings?? Have you talked to him in depth about Poly vs. Swinging, and what he would be comfortable and happy with? In swinging, our spouse is always #1, and honestly, the only one whose feelings really matter.

Originally Posted by luvjazz

Combine that with no communication from him for a few days, when immediately prior we were talking or texting multiple times a day, and thus begins my emotional downward spiral.

I think this was a mistake for you, if swinging is the goal. You got emotionally attached through the constant daily communications. You were feeling like his "girlfriend". Try to put the shoe on the other foot, so you can see this clearly: What if you and your husband find a single gal to have a threesome with. He's talking to her multiple times a day, develops feelings for her, feels jealous about her dating life with others, and then goes into an "emotional downward spiral" over her? How would this make you feel?

Originally Posted by luvjazz

My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy.

This is simply swinging, "just sex", not poly.

Originally Posted by luvjazz

I personally had never thought of swinging until hubby mentioned it. I feel like I should reciprocate, as in inviting another woman to join us, to be "fair." Hubby has mentioned the possibility of another couple instead, which might help kill off these feelings for my friend plus take the pressure off of me a bit since I do not consider myself bi. But after the mess I have been this week, I am starting to reconsider any of these scenarios. Maybe this just wasn't for me after all.

If you want to swing (you'll have to decide this), then I agree with your husband. Going forward and looking for couples will keep things equal. Look for couples who are like you, with a straight female (or bi female who is glad to play straight, too). If you want to swing and not get all entangled, avoiding the "emotional downward spiral" stuff, don't be in constant daily communication with playmates the way you did. Learn to be more casual and just "friendly" about sex. Just learn from this experience, and move on.

If we all had quit after one mistake or a bad start, there would be very few people on this board.

[luvjazz]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

What about your husband's feelings?? Have you talked to him in depth about Poly vs. Swinging, and what he would be comfortable and happy with?

That's the strangest thing in all of this. We have in fact talked about my feelings for our friend. My husband has asked me point blank if I was falling in love with him. At first I said no, mostly because I wasn't really sure at the time and I didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily. But I was very surprised to discover how unthreatened he was about my feelings. He knows implicitly that I am loyal to him, and completely 100% honest with him - especially when I relented and told him I may indeed be falling for our friend. We've not really discussed the poly lifestyle at all, at least not yet. It would be a difficult relationship to maintain anyway, now that our friend has moved away. But my husband knows that he is the one I choose to stay with, and that I still love and trust him. I have no intention of leaving him or our family, for my friend or for anyone else for that matter. I guess I do wish the three of us could stay "together" in a way, at least actively in each other's lives, not necessarily living together.

As I was reading through this thread, I had a feeling that you may be more Poly than Swinger - at least for now

I think you may be right.

[ShellyM]

Luvjazz,
If nothing else girl I give you props for being so honest with your husband through all of this...this shows your character. I would say go ahead and try it next month and see how that goes. If you then have "love" feelings I would suggest that swinging is not your cup of tea. And like I said before girl, its NOT for everyone. So do not feel bad at ALL if you look within yourself and find that you just are unable to separate love from sex, because that may be just who you are. Anyways, take care...continue being so honest and you will do good I think.
Shelly

[DICK BUTTONS]

Originally Posted by luvjazz

This past week my husband and I had our first swinging experience. It was very spur of the moment, but was intense and simply amazing. We invited a very good friend of ours (male) and he accepted. It was the first experience for all of us, and we all enjoyed it.

What scares me now is how I feel for my friend. I will admit, I have fantasized about this guy for weeks, and my husband could tell right away that there was major chemistry between us from day one, which is why we asked him to join us. But now I'm afraid I am falling in love with my friend. My husband has actually asked me about this, and I have been truthful. I love him, but I also have feelings for the friend. My husband is just wonderful about this, and says he doesn't have a problem since I still love him. He says you can't help who you fall in love with. My friend has told me that he has thought about our night together quite a bit since it happened. I wanted to ask if he was feeling what I am feeling, but I haven't.

We all went into this knowing we wanted to preserve all the existing relationships (my marriage, all friendships, etc.), but as it was happening I could tell that my friend has feelings for me too. Though he has now met another girl and the jealousy monster is raging in me hard-core. I don't know what to do. I know my husband and I are okay, we have talked all about all of this. I want so much to talk about this with my friend, but if we both admit to having feelings for one another, I am scared it will destroy our friendship.

I am so upset and confused. I really thought I was ready for swinging, and hubby and I talk about trying a couple next - partially because I want to get over my feelings for my friend - but I can't let go of this first experience. I'm getting emotionally attached. I want them both, so much. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, and tell me how to get past these feelings that are driving me crazy!

For the most part the wife and I have a rule that at the very second any feeling or emotion towards our partners rears it's head, it stops.

For us, we look at swinging as an emotionless act, just raw sex. Once emotions creep in, it can be a slippery slope.

[joaninla]

There are some advantages of having sex with a friend you know, admire and enjoy (and is a turn-on to you too). There can also be major problems - for these very same reasons. Never loose sight of your priorities. You love your husband and value your marriage. If it is not possible to have sex with your friend without compromising the relationship with your husband - don't do it! IMHO, it's great that the communication with your hubby is strong - keep talking, and do your best to understand what and why your feelings are for your friend. Good luck - it's very possible this arrangement could end up being a long term, mutually enjoyable threesome.