Hubby is wanting me to show alot of restraint...

[curiousswingers]

Ok Im going to try my very best to give you all the info. We have been swinging for about 2 months now. Our first experience was wonderful, they were the perfect couple for us. The next 3 have been horrid!!!! (never ended in playing obviously) So now my hubby is very cautious obviously, but the problem I am having is I am very outgoing and I love to flirt which he knew from the start of all of this, and now in light of our bad experiences is wanting me to show alot of restraint, which now I feel like I am not being me and I feel very uncomfortable when we meet new people instead of my normal self. I have heard it on here before to go as slow as the slowest party, but I feel like he is being a little unreasonable, he also keeps telling me that he is tired of being the cop so to speak in these situations. We've discussed this to no end and cannot seem to agree. Am I the one in the wrong? Do you think maybe I should show the restraint and then if we have another good experience he will lighten up? My fear too is that he is very respectable with the other lady and shows alot of restraint as far as flirting until she reciprocates and if I do that too, and lets say all parties do that, then who makes the first move? Ok I am probably rambling here, I welcome all and any responses.

*please be nice* lol

[funcpl4life]

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

Ok Im going to try my very best to give you all the info. We have been swinging for about 2 months now. Our first experience was wonderful, they were the perfect couple for us.

OK, yeah you.

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

The next 3 have been horrid!!!! (never ended in playing obviously)

I don't know that it is so obvious. If you wound up not playing, then it probably wasn't *too* horrid.

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

So now my hubby is very cautious obviously,

OK, so you met one couple that was good and worked out and 3 who didn't work out and you figured it out before playing. (Yes?)

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

but the problem I am having is I am very outgoing and I love to flirt which he knew from the start of all of this, and now in light of our bad experiences is wanting me to show alot of restraint, which now I feel like I am not being me and I feel very uncomfortable when we meet new people instead of my normal self.

I don't know if I'm reading this right, but does your hubby want you to be "more picky"? Does he feel that you are sending out signals to folks that he's not interested in and he's always having to be the brakes while you've got the gas mashed to to floor?

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

I have heard it on here before to go as slow as the slowest party,

I think you just answered your own question.

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

but I feel like he is being a little unreasonable, he also keeps telling me that he is tired of being the cop so to speak in these situations. We've discussed this to no end and cannot seem to agree.

Consider this (*very* broadly stated): "I'm not comfortable with your behaviour in these situations and until we can resolve how we handle this, I'm not comfortable swinging anymore." That would not be unreasonable. Is anything short of that unreasonable?

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

Am I the one in the wrong?

I don't think it's a question of who's right or wrong but are you building up the trust of your partner to form a healthy base for swinging? If you want to keep swinging are you doing things to make sure that your partner feels the same way?

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

Do you think maybe I should show the restraint and then if we have another good experience he will lighten up?

Yes, I think he will lighten up as his confidence and trust grows. If you want to keep swinging, I would work on building confidence and trust. I'm not sure what the exact issues are here, but maybe he just wants the chance to say no before things have reached a certain level of expectations??

Originally Posted by curiousswingers

My fear too is that he is very respectable with the other lady and shows alot of restraint as far as flirting until she reciprocates and if I do that too, and lets say all parties do that, then who makes the first move? Ok I am probably rambling here, I welcome all and any responses. *please be nice* lol

Quality over quantity....

Mr. FC4L

[VegasLee]

You have been swinging for only two months and you have already found what you considered one perfect couple and got to play. In our world you would receive an award for that.

We don't do the couples only thing but have many friends that do. We watch some of our couples only friends that work it online and also go to clubs for months at a time and never good to hook up. They are nice couples and nice looking but think about it, it took you years to find your perfect match in a spouse and now you are trying to find four people that hit it off well enough that you all want to have sex together. It is not that easy most of the time.

We personally don't do couples only thing. Laura plays with who she wants, I play with who I want. We don't go out separate and we only play at the club and we always leave together. A couple times a year we end up hooking up with another couple but it just happens. We have never started out looking for a couple. We enjoy the lifestyle and don't want to work that hard trying to match up four people.

As has been said, there is no right or wrong. Only what the two of you agree on together. You seem outgoing and the one that is going to make the move and that is ok as long as it works for your husband also.

Don't get upset that you don't find that perfect couple every time you meet someone. It is not going to happen when doing couples only. Once in a while you two will find a couple you click with and you will have a good time. Does not make other couples bad, just not the couples for you.

Good luck.

[SouthBond]

It sounds like that you are an extrovert and he is an introvert. That sounds like a workable situation. You do all the work and he gets to reap the rewards. Maybe you need to have a better understanding with the other couples on what you want and what they want. At least you are in the game and if you keep playing you will find another fun couple. You may be overwhelming him with your aggressiveness and he resents not having any control or part in the decision making process. By the way, what happened to the first fun couple. Do you get to play with them anymore?

[JustAskJulie]

I'm lost. First off, if you didn't play then the question is why? And as others have said, if you didn't play then it could have been much more horrid than it was if you had of played.

The problem (the best I can tell from the limited info I have) is that you had a great experience your first time out which set your expectations really high. From there you've had average experiences - guess what NO ONE plays every time out. Most of us don't play MOST of the time we go out and meet people. The wrong expectations will ruin any good time. First off you are expecting to play every time you go out which is a bad expectation to begin with. Second, you are expecting every coupld you meet to live up to this "perfect" couple that you met.

This leads me to my questions for you.... why are you upset? WHy is your husband upset? Are you both upset simply because you didn't get to play with these other people? Did he want to play and you didn't? Did you both want to play and it just didn't happen? Did you not meet people that you clicked with? Was there something about your actions that bothered him that you are now having to change to keep him from being upset? (you said that you feel like you are being someone other than you really are).

[BCinIN]

In our marriage, I'm "the extrovert," though I often am myself an introvert. When it comes to swinging, I'm not shy, but I'm certainly not a flirt. Ever. Flirting feels very wrong to me, as it implies a desire of another person. I don't desire other people--I've already got the perfect one. I just like activities that happen to involve others as well.

I think I'm in the tiny minority here (actually, so far I think I'm in the tiny minority on most issues).

[curiousswingers]

Originally Posted by SouthBond

By the way, what happened to the first fun couple. Do you get to play with them anymore?

Yes we are planning on getting together with them again

[curiousswingers]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I'm lost. First off, if you didn't play then the question is why? And as others have said, if you didn't play then it could have been much more horrid than it was if you had of played.

*We didn't play because of several diff reason, but all were bad experiences one couple everything went well till we got to there house to find 4 other guys waiting for us that we were not told about, but yes I am glad we did not play.*




The problem (the best I can tell from the limited info I have) is that you had a great experience your first time out which set your expectations really high. From there you've had average experiences - guess what NO ONE plays every time out. Most of us don't play MOST of the time we go out and meet people. The wrong expectations will ruin any good time. First off you are expecting to play every time you go out which is a bad expectation to begin with. Second, you are expecting every coupld you meet to live up to this "perfect" couple that you met.




*Not really expecting them to live up to the first couple, every experience should be different because there are diff people involved.*




This leads me to my questions for you.... why are you upset? WHy is your husband upset? Are you both upset simply because you didn't get to play with these other people? Did he want to play and you didn't? Did you both want to play and it just didn't happen? Did you not meet people that you clicked with? Was there something about your actions that bothered him that you are now having to change to keep him from being upset? (you said that you feel like you are being someone other than you really are).

I think we are just finding out that not all people are who they say they are and it is annoying to waste our time and money if you can't be honest upfront and because he is so reserved and I am not he does not like the thought that I just flirted with someone who was a liar and wants me to hold back which I guess from reading your posts is a good idea, just having a hard time not being me good or bad.

[gandm]

I feel like there is something about "horrid" that the rest of us don't understand. Please fill in what made it horrid and how it may be attached to your husband's newfound caution and why he is asking you to restrain yourself.

Having said that, I am making a big guess here that you two don't have agreement about boundaries and how to offer, accept, or decline an invitation. That's all I could imagine that might really go wrong outside of a play environment.

In our earlier experiences, we were not on the same page about these things. In our case, it was because my wife didn't really want to commit to any specific boundaries (because she was unsure), so she wanted to proceed until someone decided to stop. For me, this was quite difficult. I was always concerned that I would do the wrong thing and once or twice did. In those instances, it was very uncomfortable between us. We have a strong relationship and eventually become much more comfortable with each other's limits and with being flexible (forgiving?) with each other's actions and now fully trust each other. Today, we know our boundaries, interests, and disinterests pretty well.

If you think you may be in the same boat, I would suggest that you describe your concern with the restraint your husband is asking for and, instead, ask him to provide clear limits on your behavior that will keep him in his comfort zone. To provide an example, maybe he is comfortable with you flirting, dancing, and kissing, but he wants to approve any other acts. Or possibly, he may want to approve any person that you do anything past flirting with. (There have been a few times when my wife flirted around with someone I didn't really like much -- this was a very unexpected situation for me and we didn't really have a game plan for me to communicate this before it progressed into something I was really uncomfortable with)

Sorry if my comments are off the mark. I thought I saw something familiar in your post that we experienced. In any event, communication issues are normal hurdles that all successful parties have crossed. So you should feel comfortable that the issue was identified outside of a play environment (where it would become worse).

[Spoomonkey]

I wrote this at work and emailed it home - so I haven't read all of the replies... But here is my take on the original post:

When I first read this, I was a bit conflicted. On the one hand, you are
right - the one rule in swinging that ought to be iron clad is "go at
the pace of the slowest runner."

But - this is one of those cases of looking a gift horse in the mouth. I
have a flirty wife. In fact, we are very much like you guys. I am not a
great flirt - Mrs Spoo is. We went through a time where the roles were
reversed, since I was painfully awkward when we got into this (now I am
awkward, but it isn't painful) - but generally speaking, Mrs Spoo is the
flirty one.

I love it! It is sexy, allows her to express herself, and it definitely
makes up for my lack of social grace. Her flirtiness is a part of the
experience for her - and coincidentally for me.

So - I was conflicted... Follow the Golden Rule of swinging or let the
wife flirt? I was on the fence. But Mrs Spoo and I talked about this and
she made a great point, which I agree with. If you are flirting with
people that you have not made a couples decision to decision to play
with, you are making things awkward later...

Your husband is now in the unenviable position of having to be the bad
guy when it looks like he is the only one of three who isn't interested
(they are going to think you are interested, because you flirted). I
know - I have been in those shoes before due to a lack of communication
and it really sucks.

So, my advice is that he is correct - and his request is not
unreasonable. It seems to me that he is just asking you to save the
flirting for people you both want to be with. If that is the case, and I
have interpreted things correctly, then it is best to learn to control
it a little - to save him a lot of grief when those horrid experiences
pop up - which they always do.

Spoomonkey

[playinginmacon]

A friend of ours recently suggested having a "code word" to let your partner know that something's not right. They're not comfy with the new couple, the couple is not who they said they were, whatever. Their code word was "my nose itches." If either said it, no questions asked, you politely find a way to excuse yourself from the situation and end the "date." This way, whenever somebody was uncomfortable, they could tell the other without doing something obvious to the other couple and without advancing further than they were ready to.

Since you and your SO are on different pages insofar as knowing whether you have the green light, maybe you could try a code word that would allow him to tell you he wasn't interested before you get the party started.