He says if we stop swinging, the relationship is over

[tigerfly]

My significant other and I have been together for 7 yrs and in the lifestyle 4 of those. I enjoy the lifestyle, but it is not #1 in my life as it is his. I feel as if I'm being used. Just want to hear from others and what they think. Here is the situation...He told me that if I should ever want out of the lifestyle, our relatationship would be over. He is always saying that it is hard for a single male to get invited to parties. Do you thing he is using me for the lifestyle? Would like your truthful thoughts/feelings on this.
Thanks, Tigerfly

[DragonsLair]

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it seems to be true what he says about single males. Read thru the single male forum and you'll see that.

But for him to say your relationship will end if you choose to get out of the lifestyle makes me wonder at his committment to you. I could understand it easier if you hadn't been together so long. But 7 years is a long time. How is your relationship outside of the swinging? Do you really like each other? Do you get along? Do you still have things in common other than swinging and sex? I'm asking because it sounds to me like he may be having the highly touted 7 year itch syndrome. When did he start telling you that your relationship would end if you got out of swinging? Was it recent or have you been hearing this all along?

I think you might need to step back from the lifestyle for a bit and reevaluate your relationship. You don't sound too happy or enthusiastic about it. It sounds like you're doing it just to keep him happy and to keep him. And that's not the right reason. This is something that's supposed to bring you closer together, not drive you apart.

Good luck. Please come back and let us know how it's going. I wish you the best.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[tigerfly]

Dragons,

Thanks for replying.

We have a good relationship. We have a lot of things in common, such as dancing, darts, singing karaokee, etc.. The only thing we ever seem to argue about is the lifestyle. We host several parties a year and go to parties and a few clubs. I enjoy the lifestyle, but at "my" pace and he thinks it should be at his pace and his way of thinking. I can't go off and "play" with someone on a first meeting, unless I'm very comfortable with them. That happens almost never. I may have to be around someone several times before I will play with them. He will play with anyone on first meeting. At a party, it takes me awhile to get started. Say the party starts at 7 ends at 12 or later, we arrive at 7, it may be 9 or 10 before I'm ready to play. I have to get the feel of the lay out and the people there. He is ready to play within minutes. We, from time to time go to clubs, I will not play at clubs (unless there is someone there I know and have played with before). He get upset with me because of this.

I have no problem with him playing to his hearts content at parties or the clubs, I just don't want to be pressured into playing until I'm ready. If I'm pressured, I do not enjoy and isn't the lifestyle all about enjoying?

As to your question about how long has he been saying "if I want out of the lifestyle, we are through"... for a couple years now. I'm not in the lifestyle to keep him happy. I enjoy it, when I can do things at my pace. I have to admit, when I first thought about getting into the lifestyle, it was to please him, but once I got in, I found that I enjoy it.

I love him, but I feel that the only reason he wants me with him is to get him invited to parties etc. He says he loves me, but then says if I ever decide to get out of the lifestyle, our relationship would be over. He said it would be to much of a culture shock to him. I'm just so danged confused.

Thanks for listening and any more thoughts or comments from you or anyone are most welcomed.

Tigerfly

[DragonsLair]

Tigerfly,

Glad to hear you have a good relationship outside of swinging. That is important. Is he reading this board? It might do him good to do so. One thing that he'll learn is that most people here advocate moving at the pace of the slowest person. In this case, your pace. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. And he shouldn't be getting upset with you because you choose to do so.

In a way, it does sound to me, anyway, that he is using you to get into the parties. Single guys aren't allowed a lot of the time. Or it's very difficult and expensive for them to do so.

You might need to sit him down and talk to him about this. Or let him read your post. Does he understand how upset it gets you to be pressured this way? I see his demand as emotional blackmail. Do this or it's over. You do need to sit down and talk before this destroys your relationship.

Hopefully others will chime in with their advice.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

[tigerfly]

He is a member here (in fact he has us down as a couple). He reads the boards everyday, but I think he is mostly into the swinger stories.

Thanks for your imput. I also hope others will join in here.

Tigerfly

[JustAskJulie]

I would say resoundingly yes he is using you. Just the fact that he would say that if you ever wanted to stop swinging your relationship is over. If you have any doubts, test him out and see.

Tell him you want to take a break for a while, but if you go this route be prepared for the worst. Hopefully, he is just using that line to keep you doing what he wants tho and not because he really wants out of the relationship but is hanging on for fear of not finding another swing partner.

[tigerfly]

Thanks, Julie.

That is how I feel. I have asked him if all I was good for to him was the lifestyle, but of course he said no. So hard to believe that.

Tigerfly

[Flori_DAMAN]

Originally posted by DragonsLair
Tigerfly,

I see his demand as emotional blackmail. Do this or it's over. You do need to sit down and talk before this destroys your relationship.

Hopefully others will chime in with their advice.

DragonsLair

He is T. I am A.

I have to agree here. Ultimatums have a place in life but not when it comes to controlling what another person does for the sake of safe enjoyment. For example I believe it would be ok to say "either you quit robbing gas stations or we are done".

But to insinuate swinging involvement is the glue that holds your relationship together smacks of a controlling attitude.

Perhaps he is addicted to swinging.

Maybe you should turn the tables on him and let him know that if he doesn't re-prioritize his swinging activities you will not be able to continue the relationship as is.

Sometimes it takes a knock in the head.

Good luck with anything you do. John.

[tigerfly]

John.
Funny you should say "addicted". I have felt and thought that, about him for a long time. He will spend hours up hours on his computer, going from one swinger site to another and contacting people. That is his only interest in the computer. I go to different swingers sites, but I don't let it be my only thought.

Don't bother saying he needs help, because I couldn't even go there with him. He thinks he is normal, as far as lifestylers go and I'm the abnormal one.

Thanks so much for adding to this.

I believe, I will be sending this whole thread to him, as I'm not sure he will be reading this section, although he is in here several times a day.

Thanks,
Tigerfly

[J & K]

Hummmmm....is he in LOVE with you or the lifestyle??

If he LOVES you he would say no problem dear---anything you want to make you happy and "us" happy. If not, then he just loves the lifestyle and you going along with it.

Time to re-evaluate your relationship I think.

-J

[coolwetbreeze]

Oh my gosh...are we with the same man or what?
I thought I had the only selfish ass hole out there. I guess they are all over. I too have been given the "If you don't want to do what I want, when I want and with who I want" then we may as well not see each other....I love you but this is what I want and if you aren't with me then I guess we need to go our seperate ways...I said Ok...and Good night. I have told him it is perfectly fine with me if he wants to go play with others with out me. He says he wants to enjoy it with me....Yeah right. What he means is he won't be able to do it with out me because he won't be wanted as a single male. We are not married and do not live in the same place so it is easy for me to just blow him off. I still have my own place and although I care for him,I don't have to have him as part of my life. We too are on different levels as far as the lifestyle go. Your boyfriend sounds just like mine. They are sex addicts.They cannot function with out the thrill of outside sex in a relationship. We can handle that but it has to be at our pace...these two little boys are so worried about their willies that that is all that matters. If at all possible i would turn the tables and tell him that if he doesn't change his attitude you will end the relationship...it may be for the best even if it is hard to do. My guy needs a whore...not a swing partner. I know he loves me but he loves himself and that liitle boy in him more. They are both in it for themselves and could care less about our feelings . As long as they get what they want and if we make it easy for them it will never change...Good Luck Tigerfly

[tigerfly]

J & K: ...he loves me, but is "in love" with sex.

Coolwetbreeze: (They are both in it for themselves and could care less about our feelings.) This statement you made, is so true. My boyfriend says he wants me to enjoy myself at the parties, but he knows I need the extra social time to relax enought to enjoy myself. I don't drink, so it is not the booze that relaxes me. It's getting to know the people, the air of everyone, so to speak. More times then not, he manages to piss me off over something before we even get to the party. It's like he does it just so I'm not in the mood to party. Like he wants to play with as many women as he can, but really doesn't want me to play. I just don't understand. I'm so totally confused as to just where and what I am to him. I'm in love with the man...but...

I sent this thread to him...I figure he has read it already, but so far he hasn't said a word to me about it. I was kinda hoping he would jump in and tell how he feels, thinks etc....but them maybe not...don't need a family feud going on.

Thanks for letting me vent..somewhat.

Tigerfly

[youngish56]

My two cents. You make the decision to handle your relationship the way you want to do it. Pretty, ugly, right or wrong, its up to you to go with the flow, rock the boat or upset the applecart. Its your call and yours alone. You will live with the results of your actions and not anyone who gives you advice.

If you are willing to put up with his professed attitude about your not leaving the lifestyle, then no one else's opinion has any value to your decision.

No relationship is perfect and we all put up with problems we wish we didn't have. It's up to you alone to decide how serious this issue is.

Make the best decision and good luck to you.

Gary

[tigerfly]

Gary, You are ever so correct. I still wanted to know what others thought. I know I'm not the only one who thinks as I do.
Thanks for your input.
Tigerfly

[funlovin4u]

Tigerfly I agree with Julie and J & K...sounds to me like he's using you and he doesn't love you. I feel if he loved you he would not only hear what you have to say but listen as well, and respect your feelings and thoughts. I'm a single guy, and yes sometimes it's tough, but I have found if you treat people with respect and be a gentleman, people will honor you for that. It appears he loves the variety and spice of life that he receives from the lifestyle more than he loves you. I suspect he is being driven by fear of losing what he has, thus he is manipulating you because he knows you care for him and he doesn't believe you will end the relationship. If this is so, he definetly doesn't love you, he loves himself and waht he can get from others. Many men will say anything to get what they want when it comes to a woman...ie. to get sex!