He says if we stop swinging, the relationship is over - Page 2

Flori_DAMAN · 01-27-2003, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by funlovin4u
Tigerfly I agree with Julie and J & K...sounds to me like he's using you and he doesn't love you. I feel if he loved you he would not only hear what you have to say but listen as well, and respect your feelings and thoughts.

Maybe he is using her. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

Sometimes people go on the wrong track. Usually they can be re-directed if there is love. I don't think its proper to say that he doesn't love her though.

He may love her deeply but just isn't good at handling some situations.

I don't think an observer can judge love in anothers heart, or pain, or happiness either.

I have never seen a relationship that doesn't have some bumps along the way. Sometimes the best ones are the most rocky.

I think that tigerfly is looking for advice to salvage her relationship, not reasons to end it because she loves this guy, and she believes he loves her. Tigerfly sounds like she knows the way around the block. If he didn't love her she probably would have noticed that years ago.

John.

John.

OhioCouple · 01-27-2003, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN

He may love her deeply but just isn't good at handling some situations.

While that is true, some people can love with all they have in them, yet it may not be what the other needs.

Some people view love as being a provider and homemaker, but share no intimacy. For some that may be perfectly acceptable to them and they are as happy as a lark. When two people are mis-matched in their personal needs and desires though, it is doubtful that the relationship will last. If it does they will die two miserable old souls.

I am going to have to sway with the advice that the others offered here as I have been through it in a life once before with someone who put their needs first, issued ultimatums and ignored my needs no matter how hard I tried to express them. Without the objectivity that I found through others and realizing that what I wanted was just as important, I may well still be living a life like that.

Lori ~ A very happily married woman.....15 years after the fact.

Flori_DAMAN · 01-27-2003, 09:48 PM

I agree wholeheartedly Lori,

I just hate to see a marriage break up because of a one sided discussion with un-involved people in the situation. As I stated in my post, ultimatums like this smack of a control freak.

But, it is not for me or us to judge this man's love for her. I truly hope Tigerlady can flip flop him and gain back her fair share of the relationship.

Sometimes it does happen. My experiences have been on both sides. The lady of my life acted in the fashion this man did and i managed to reel her back in, but she died on me right when things were going well.

Now, I have lost another relationship because of non-swinging, non control things...just disagreements over how kids should be handled, or how they shouldn't handle us. If you heard her side it would be exactly the same as mine in this case though. We are both right but not in sync. We still love each other but both know it just isn't going to work.

When I imagine her with another man I cringe but know it will happen. We will remain friends though because it is true love. I can't even begin to think about starting another relationship yet though.

John.

tigerfly · 01-27-2003, 10:31 PM

So many have responded and I thank you all.

I sent this thread to him. He read it and was rather upset. Saying that I made him look a-hole. I told him I wrote what was true and how I felt. If he felt I made him look like that, I said maybe that is because that is how he was acting. One good thing came out of this. We sat and had a long talk.

He said our relationship would not end if I wanted out of the lifestyle as long as he could stay in it. I then asked, "if I didn't want you in the lifestyle, what then"? He said we would have to work on it (our relationship). To me, that is not what I wanted to hear, but I look at it as being a fair answer and accept it. He said he will try hard to accept me going at my own pace and not his pace or that of some others.

Some one said that everyone shows love in different ways. I believe this to be very true. I'm the type of person that will wait on the one I love hand and foot, give hugs and kisses (a real touchy feely person). I only say "I Love You" if I really love that person. To me "passion" in the act of sex is only given to the one I love. Intimacy, to me is a close, private relationship (espically sexual) with the person you love.
My partner (I believe) shows his love by giving me his home to live in and taking care of me in many other financial ways. To him "passion" has nothing to do with love...it is just an action in bed with another. Intimacy, to him is, he and I sitting and talking alone.

Maybe this will shed some light on our different ways of thinking and maybe someone out there can relate.
I once again thank all who have posted. Hope this won't be the end here, because it is making me do some thinking and I know it is making him think also. If this helps us build on our relationship, great. If it helps bring it to an end...well, then I guess that is where it should be.

Tigerfly

OhioCouple · 01-27-2003, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by tigerfly
We sat and had a long talk.

I am so glad to hear this tigerfly. Although you may not have heard exactly what you wanted to hear, the communication lines have now been opened.

You both still have plenty of things to discuss and resolve amongst yourselves which are not just swinging related. You both need to be happy in all aspects in order to make swinging a part of your relationship should you decide to continue. Until you come to some sort of mutual agreement that you are BOTH comfortable with, you will face many more problems down the road that may make this seem like chicken feed. If you love and care about each other and can't come to some sort of agreement, it is best to part ways and find the life that you both desire and deserve.

Time is too short to waste it. Keep talking and we wish you both the best, whatever the outcome.

Lori

Flori_DAMAN · 01-27-2003, 11:23 PM

Well then,

I'm glad you two have actually used this board to instigate a conversation that could possibly reduce a whole lot of quiet antogonism between each other.

It looks like you came to the right place because it got you talking about the real subject matter.

Now, go take a weekend together and play with each other. You may both discover something you never knew.

John.
.

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01-27-2003, 09:48 PM	#18 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	I agree wholeheartedly Lori, I just hate to see a marriage break up because of a one sided discussion with un-involved people in the situation. As I stated in my post, ultimatums like this smack of a control freak. But, it is not for me or us to judge this man's love for her. I truly hope Tigerlady can flip flop him and gain back her fair share of the relationship. Sometimes it does happen. My experiences have been on both sides. The lady of my life acted in the fashion this man did and i managed to reel her back in, but she died on me right when things were going well. Now, I have lost another relationship because of non-swinging, non control things...just disagreements over how kids should be handled, or how they shouldn't handle us. If you heard her side it would be exactly the same as mine in this case though. We are both right but not in sync. We still love each other but both know it just isn't going to work. When I imagine her with another man I cringe but know it will happen. We will remain friends though because it is true love. I can't even begin to think about starting another relationship yet though. John.

01-27-2003, 10:31 PM	#19 (permalink)
tigerfly Registered Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 9 Location: Florida Status: couple	So many have responded and I thank you all. I sent this thread to him. He read it and was rather upset. Saying that I made him look a-hole. I told him I wrote what was true and how I felt. If he felt I made him look like that, I said maybe that is because that is how he was acting. One good thing came out of this. We sat and had a long talk. He said our relationship would not end if I wanted out of the lifestyle as long as he could stay in it. I then asked, "if I didn't want you in the lifestyle, what then"? He said we would have to work on it (our relationship). To me, that is not what I wanted to hear, but I look at it as being a fair answer and accept it. He said he will try hard to accept me going at my own pace and not his pace or that of some others. Some one said that everyone shows love in different ways. I believe this to be very true. I'm the type of person that will wait on the one I love hand and foot, give hugs and kisses (a real touchy feely person). I only say "I Love You" if I really love that person. To me "passion" in the act of sex is only given to the one I love. Intimacy, to me is a close, private relationship (espically sexual) with the person you love. My partner (I believe) shows his love by giving me his home to live in and taking care of me in many other financial ways. To him "passion" has nothing to do with love...it is just an action in bed with another. Intimacy, to him is, he and I sitting and talking alone. Maybe this will shed some light on our different ways of thinking and maybe someone out there can relate. I once again thank all who have posted. Hope this won't be the end here, because it is making me do some thinking and I know it is making him think also. If this helps us build on our relationship, great. If it helps bring it to an end...well, then I guess that is where it should be. Tigerfly

01-27-2003, 11:23 PM	#21 (permalink)
Flori_DAMAN Previously of MichiganCouple Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 2,100 Location: Vero Beach Florida Status: Single Male	Well then, I'm glad you two have actually used this board to instigate a conversation that could possibly reduce a whole lot of quiet antogonism between each other. It looks like you came to the right place because it got you talking about the real subject matter. Now, go take a weekend together and play with each other. You may both discover something you never knew. John. .