feeling like he cheated on me

[simplynina]

Me and my husband are pretty new to Swing Lifestyle. However, i have always wanted to get intimate with another female. bi-curious i guess you would say. and my husband has always wanted to see me with another woman, and i get off by watching him fuck other women. so, we did it a couple of times and it was wonderful...it brought us so much closer together. Like, after we would have sex with the other female, we would have sex alone and it was phenomenal!!! And since we started, we have been constantly looking for another woman/women. About 2 months ago, another female and I took pics of ourselves while we were alone, (my husband is a truck driver) and i was going to send them to him. he has always said if i and another woman want to get intimate it is ok, just send pics or call and let him know. so, i sent the pics, then i started feeling dirty/weird about him not being there. so, i went on-line to his phone service to delete the photos before he got them. while, i was deleting the pics, (i can see all pics and text messages we send or receive with our phones on-line) i found several pics of this girl. no nudie-pics. a couple of just her, one with a friend, and a couple of her and her little son. i didn't know this girl and it freaked me out at first. so i saw a text from her saying how happy she was, and then one from him to her on how happy he was that he had met her. i wrote down her phone # and called info to see where the number was from. Portland, oregon. where my husband had been running a lot in the truck. i was scared shitless! i didn't know what to do. he called me on the phone, so i just asked him who she was. and he told me her name and told me she was a lesbian and someone he had met on a dating service for him and i. that it was nothing sexual. i asked why he didn't tell me and all he could say was i don't know. he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore if that was what i wanted. a couple of weeks went by and on father's day while we were out eating with our children she texted him to tell him Happy Father's Day! I got mad and checked on-line again to see if he has been calling and texting her still. and i found pics of him masturbating that he had sent to her!!! and she had sent him pics of her tits(with a bra on). first of all, if she was a lesbian would this really turn her on? so, i confronted him again and he said that he never had called it off with her. i told him he had to right then in front of me. we fought and fought. he felt i had betrayed his trust by snooping around. but i totally trusted him before i found the first photos by accident. he said he didn't know if we should try to work things out or not. so he left in his truck and said we shouldn't talk for at least 2 weeks to coool down. which we didn't know, we talked. and i told him that i didn't care if he talked to someone on the phone (text and stuff) but there has to be absolutely no sexual stuff unless i am around or know about it. so basically, i don't care if he talks to her. but just as a friend. he keeps saying he has never met her face to face, there are no feelings for her, but , i don't know if i can believe him now. one night while we were out together, he sent her a pick of a superman symbol behind my back. and from then on, her texts read from superman's girlfriend. i can't stand this. he says i should believe him and trust him. but, i know how some women can be, trying to latch on to something. she knows he is married and i once asked him what she thought of me and he said, "she says well don't she have any guy friends she talks too" I don't like her judging me at all. i do have guy friends i talk to .but i do not send them pics of me masturbating.
i don't know what to do. now, we are at a point where on the outside we look happy and in love. but, he is still texting her. he turns his phone off anytime he is home. i know he is happy. but, i don't like feeling like there is another girl. i hate her
what do i do?

[singleagain]

print out the post you made here and give it to him...evidently he doesn't know how you feel about what he is doing. I don't even know you and I have a pretty good idea...so say to him what you said to us.

[simplynina]

he gets mad at me if i even bring her up. i have tried. he says there is nothing there between him and her and that i am his life. so, i shouldn't have any problem. he just gets mad at me for not trusting him

[ohash01]

The whole situation reeks of things that are not okay. He may not be having a sexual affair with her (although the jerking off pics may say differently), but I'd say he's definately progressed to an emotional affair.

Let me tell you the story of my mom and dad. He met a girl (and I say girl because I think when they met she was 23 and he was 43). For a year my mom let herself believe that they were just friends. I would hang out with dad and Jen and always kind of supervise, but I could feel the tension. It was the only time in my life my dad made me feel like I was 2nd important to him. Jen and Dad talked on the phone and hung out and what not. One night mom heard him say "I love you" on the phone. She took the phone away from him. He got pissed that she was meddling and hit her. This was a week before Christmas. Dad never came home. He missed Christmas. A couple months later they were divorced. Dad dated Jen for about 4 years, then she dumped him for someone else. Granted, Jen may have found out that he was cheating on her...because he was.

I don't believe that any man who flirts to that extent with other women has friendship on his mind. Flirting...okay...saying another woman is attractive...okay. Exchanging naked pics and lying to you about what's going on...NOT okay.

This is just my opinion. I am young and have yet to be cheated on (atleast that I know of). Perhaps if it happens to me I'd have better advice.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by simplynina

he gets mad at me if i even bring her up. i have tried. he says there is nothing there between him and her and that i am his life. so, i shouldn't have any problem. he just gets mad at me for not trusting him

This isn't about trust, Nina. That a whole 'nother bowl of wax. You're not mad just because you (obviously) can't trust him. You're mad because he doesn't give a shit that you're unhappy with the situation. He just wants what he wants. Maybe he's right, and maybe there's nothing going on sexually. But the thing is, that doesn't matter. You have stated your boundaries, and he has exceeded them. Period. You have told him that this kind of behaviour makes you extremely uncomfortable, and constantly disrespecting your comfort zones is NOT going to make you "get used to it". It's just going to make things worse.

Trust is not something that he automatically gets. It's something that is earned, and by doing things that are suspicious (and if I were in your position, I would certainly be questioning his conduct) he is not earning your trust. Why is he being so defensive and evasive about all this? That's a red flag right there. It's a hallmark of cheating. If he were truly innocent, he'd be doing everything he could to put your mind at ease, reassuring you that you mean more to him than anyone else, and going out of his way to prove his innocence. He's not doing any of these things. He's angry because you invaded his privacy - and worse yet, found something that he was not comfortable with you knowing about. Now it's one thing to be constantly mistrusted by an insanely jealous spouse, and have your privacy invaded over and over again in an attempt to control him or her, but it's quite another to get angry at someone because they found you out. And you found him out. He couldn't satisfactorily answer why he never told you about this supposed "lesbian" who keeps sending him nudie pics. Who enjoys seeing your husband masturbating to her pictures. Who texts him "Happy Father's Day" (as though that's any business of hers. :rollseyes ). This woman who he shares private jokes with (Superman's girlfriend?). This woman whom you hate, yet whose opinion he obviously values above your own. This woman who seems to lose no sleep over the act of wedging herself between a husband and a wife. This woman who has the audacity to judge YOU! Just who does she think she is?

Honey, I'd be pissed right off. You shouldn't have to babysit any man like this. He's mad that you don't trust him?? Well what in the HELL has he done to show that he can be trusted to not rip your heart out, when he doesn't even seem to care what you think? Excuse the hell outta you for not laying your neck on the chopping block!

Now I've only heard one side of this story, but if what you say is true, it smells to me like the beginnings of an emotional affair. He's being drawn away from you by the manipulations of this other woman. She is gaining a foothold in importance in his life. He agrees with her, and argues with you. She tells him how unreasonable you are, and how misunderstood he is. And he laps it up. She has become his confidante, and that is a wife's place, NOT a playmate's, nor even a good friend's. YOU are supposed to be his first stop when he has something he wants to get off his chest. And if it's a problem with you that he feels he needs to get off his chest that he's uncomfortable talking to you about, the he absolutely MUST come to you first about it. There should be nothing said about a husband/wife problem to a stranger that the husband AND wife BOTH don't know already.

Nina, your feelings are not unreasonable. Don't let him tell you otherwise! If he can't respect your feelings, then the relationship needs some serious review.

[simplynina]

it is so nice just to get this stuff off of my chest. because you can't just tell anyone because of the Swing Lifestyle tie-in. i will update as i know things..
ps...should i call her?

[Lumina]

Originally Posted by simplynina

he gets mad at me if i even bring her up. i have tried. he says there is nothing there between him and her and that i am his life. so, i shouldn't have any problem. he just gets mad at me for not trusting him

He's full of shit. He's mad b/c he doesn't want to stop whatever he's doing with her. He gets on the offense to avoid having to defend himself. I'm sorry, honey, but from what you've said here, he's cheating. Plain and simple.

If it were me, I'm afraid to say I would kick him to the curb. Partly for the cheating, but mostly for making you feel wrong for being hurt by it. That IMO is the worst offense of all. Then I'd hang him to dry in court. But that's just me. I'm a might vindictive that way. flamethrow

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by simplynina

ps...should i call her?

And what? appeal to her conscience? Don't bother. The problem is between you and Mr. simplynina. If it weren't, none of us would be having this discussion. He'd already KNOW that she was up to no good, and would be telling her to piss off...all on his own...without anyone needing to tell him to. And he would've told you all about it, saying things like, "Can you believe the nerve of that woman?"

Don't call her, as tempting as it may be to call her out. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of even thinking she matters to your relationship. She really shouldn't, you know.

[Amanda69]

I gotta agree, there is no more conversation, no more excuses. Of course she isn't a lesbian and it IS sexual after all the guy sent pics of himself masturbating, what normal lesbian is looking at that?????

He is cheating, he has been caught and he isn't even man enough to admit it...typical. He just wants to see how long he can keep you hanging with this while he continues his little games with the other woman.

This isn't about you anymore it is about him and what he is all about. Even if he did stop this affair how would you know he wouldn't do it again....

Obviously swinging is not enough for him, he likes the thrill of being secretive and cheating...you will never win with this one.... Surrender

[MoonLightKiss]

simplynina, as I was reading your post, the bright orange neon light that says "cheating" was flashing in my mind. Now, I am not saying he has had sex with her. There are many tactics a cheater uses to turn the attention away from what he is doing. They use these tactics because they know what they are doing is wrong. Do not fall for these tricks. Stick to your guns.

Put your foot down with your husband. Him speaking to her needs to stop and stop immediately. Even if your husband were telling the truth about them just being friends and her being a lesbian yada yada, it makes you uncomfortable and that should be enough for him to end it. Tell him under no circumstances is he to have any contact with her. IMHO allowing him to be friends with her now, is going to be a case of shutting the barn door after the horse has bolted. You will always wonder. So all contact should be stopped.

If he has a problem with it, and he does not want to stop contacting her, you could point out once more how uncomfortable you are with it, remind him that YOU are his wife, so YOUR feelings should matter more than hers, and that depending on his actions, you will weigh your importance on his life and react accordingly. I would also reccomend not being drawn into a battle over her. However, be prepared to back up your statement with actions.

Good Luck simplynina, I do hope it works out for you.

[jeffstoy]

I am not sure if any other men answered this post but I am. What he is doing is wrong. My wife and I are kinda in the same sittuation as you when it comes to playing. She really loves watching me. In our hunt for women not all ar bi as a matter of fact alot of them are straight. So when talking to them I save every measage and pic and what not sent back and forth for my wife to read over. I have been asked many many times to meet someone with out my wife. I am here to tell you that will never happen. That is always the end of discussion with them and no further contact. So I would say from a mans point of view that I would kick him out. First question you need to ask yourself is. If it is really not that important to him then why will he not just quit talking to her. Question number 2. If he is not spawning a relationship with her than why try so hard to hide it and lie about it. And the big number 3. Why does it not bother him that it bothers you and he continues to do it.

[simplynina]

everything everyone is saying i know already to be true. i just didn't want to face up to it. This scares the shit out of me and i feel like it is all my fault, because we started the swinging thing and i asked him to look for other women. but for us, never for him alone. we made that clear. i thought. i brought this subject up again last night. and he got really pissed off, saying he knows he made a stupid mistake, and why can't i just let sleeping dogs lie. that i keep throwing it up in his face like rubbing a dog's nose in doo. but, i can't help to think that i wouldn't bring it up if he would just quit talking to her. i don't know? i love him and he says he loves me and it would kill him if he ever would lose me, but i can't help to just keep thinking about it over and over and over head bang .........................thank you to everyone for listening

[EvilMJ]

Originally Posted by simplynina

i love him and he says he loves me and it would kill him if he ever would lose me, but i can't help to just keep thinking about it over and over and over head bang .........................thank you to everyone for listening

I think that is the point that needs to be made to him, if this doesn't stop he will lose you. Time to tell him to make his choice, what is more important to him. And then give up on the idea of swinging, I don't think it is going to work for you as a couple right now.

[ShellyM]

Originally Posted by simplynina

he gets mad at me if i even bring her up. i have tried. he says there is nothing there between him and her and that i am his life. so, i shouldn't have any problem. he just gets mad at me for not trusting him

Now, this is just my personal opinion. I am not a trained counselor, so take this with a grain of salt. BUT, if you ARE his life like he has said, and he loves you as much as I am sure he says he does, then he should give up this relationship since it upsets you so much!!!!!!!!
If I am talking with a guy, and jay is upset about it, I am going to stop doing it. Its not a matter of trust, if you don't like the woman you have that right. In my opinion he needs to give up that friendship...and if he can't do that then you need to find out why, what is the bond that has them together? Maybe talk with her and find out the story.

Originally Posted by simplynina

... i feel like it is all my fault, because we started the swinging thing and i asked him to look for other women

Please don't think that his cheating after the two of you agreed to swing is in any way YOUR fault!!!!! If anything, swinging should REDUCE a man's urge to cheat because much of the reason men cheat is for sexual variety and swinging gives you all the sexual variety you want!

Unfortunately though, for some men, it's not only about enjoying sexual variety, it's also about the thrill of being "bad" - by doing something behind the other's back - and the ego boost of having two women competing for their love - which is not part of the equation in a swinging situation.

Here's a suggestion which might be off the wall, but just might work, because in my experience the path you're going down is VERY LIKELY going to end with the end of your relationship ... If what he's doing is about being bad and having two women fighting over him, WHAT IF YOU TURNED OFF THE FUEL FOR THE FIRE BY SAYING "GO AHEAD HAVE YOUR FUN WITH HER"? Give him "permission" to have his affair! Stop fighting about it - join him in being "bad"!! - tell him that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and you now consider yourself free to have whatever outside relationships you want and you don't consider it his right to agree to it or even be told the truth about it.

At the worst, you'll split up, but I think he'll realize how BIG the risk to his relationship with you is in doing the "ok, so we can both cheat" thing, and it'll open his mind to coming to a mutually acceptable set of rules.