The husband and my wife spend alot of time talking...should I be worried?

[good times]

First off, I would like to say that I agree with the others on the point that if it is uncomfortable to you then your wife should respect that and curtail this behavior.

That being said, I have to say that Mrs. GT does this type of thing all the time. In fact, she has some play partners that she corresponds with on a daily basis. The reason it doesn't bother me is twofold;

Number one - She shares the conversations or correspondence with me and doesn't try to keep it secret at all. She is doing nothing behind my back or that I don't know about, in other words.

Two - Mrs. GT enjoys personal interaction with others such as talking on the phone, pming, and emailing much more than I do. I am much more of a visit in person kind of guy, and I actually dislike talking on the phone. So for her to interact with our friends is perfectly natural and fine with me. The way I look at it is that it is a good thing one of us likes to keep in touch with others or we wouldn't have any friends at all.

Therefore, my thoughts are that if you think you can come to terms with your feelings in a way that you are comfortable with, then it isn't a problem. If you can't, and it continues to bother you, then you need to discuss it with your wife and make changes that you both find comfortable.

[LikeMinds321]

GT makes a great point: Often one spouse of the couple enjoys corresponding more than the other.

If I didn't write people, no one would ever get to know us.

I think infatuation and high sexual interest is a major factor for Mrs Van and her playmate. Even as swingers we can get caught up in the adrenline rush, the sexual high, as if we were back in high school again...it feels so good to be desired...you are giddy with joy!

Mr Van, you are probably feeling like you are getting less attention than usual and that Mrs Van is thinking more about 'him' than you. That can happen when a woman feels so connected with a playmate. And for this reason, it will be good for you two to talk about how to keep your attention towards each other a priority, and how to handle further communication with this couple in a way that will be comfortable to both of you.

I think it would be good for the Mrs to cut back on her morning and evening contacts with him and allow some breathing room for a while, to think.

I also agree with the other members who advise you to discuss these contact issues with this couple.

"We have played with this coulpe a number of times and each time she has had a great time with him while I have had "issues" on occasion with the wife."

Since you mention "issues" with his wife, I think there is a double caution here. Whatever those issues are will reflect on how this situation should be handled and discussed with them.

Good luck!

LM

[lovedoctor]

As someone who has recently encountered a similar experience, from Mrs. Van's perspective let me add my comments, if you please.

Some folks just seem to really click on an emotional or intellectual level that has little to do with swinging or sex, and more to do with who they are as people. That is what friendship is. I think when you add the sexual element to the picture, it is fairly typical that the situation and intent can be completely, or at least partially misconstrued by every member of the foursome.

Especially when you are new to this, it is only natural for feelings to develop - we are just human. In my situation, the green monster developed in both of the other spouses but was just expressed differently. The important thing was that, after an inital floundering about like people dropped into ten foot seas without life preservers, that we all got our shit together and started talking about it. Inexperience nipped us in the ass at first, but it was important enough to all of us that we didn't just throw out the baby with the bath water and chuck the whole thing. That would have been the easier way out.

Too many times in our society we are confronted with obstacles and give up quickly. Working through problems is a sign of maturity and a great learning experience. You DO need to trust your instincts about what you think your wife and this man feel for each other. But if you sit down with her and gently encourage her to be honest with herself, and then honest with you about this, then you can go through the process together. The crush that they have going is almost certainly something that the two of you, and then the four of you can work through. Don't be surprised about it, make the discovery together and then a plan for how to deal with it. If you end up having to not see this couple, then so be it. But at least you approached it head on, like adults and you respected each others feelings, developed better communication and improved your relationship. And if you work through it successfully, you can all four relax and enjoy yourselves again, a little less naieve, and a whole lot wiser! That's what it's all about.

[twoferfun69]

(soon to be) Mrs Twofer and I had a similar situation recently. Biggest difference was that we had never played with the couple. I have known them for a long time, and they apparently recently became swingers. Now, Mrs and I have not entertainede the idea of playing with them, as we are really not attracted. However.......the other mrs had been constantly emailing and calling me late at night (usually after her and the mr had played, and she was quite .... tipsy....lol). Come to find out, she was doing all this without the knowledge of her mr. Mrs Twofer immediately let me know it made her extremely uncomfortable, and requested that if I had the opportunity to talk with mrs, I was to let her know that this was NOT going to happen, that her actions were NOT of the swinger way, and to stop calling, emailing, etc. It was pretty simple for me........out of respect for my love, my partner, my soon to be mate, I put a stop to it. Not because I was bowing to her wishes, per se, but because that is what this lifestyle is about.....having a level of respect above and beyond what is considered to be "normal".
IMHO...
Mr. Twofer

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds like you probably should stop seeing this couple. If you aren't comfortable with them, it's probably for the best. I do see red flags with the constant chatting (good night text messages?!) and their regular invitations to her alone when you have made it clear you only play as a couple.

[sexyshelby]

Stop seeing this couple. Take a break from swinging, work out the kinks in your relationship and then re-evalutate.

Good luck.

~SS

[xxhale]

danger ,danger will robinson ;that entire scene is all wrong they have crossed the line; when you asked the question you already knew the answer

[liza_bull]

i have to agree with the rest, you both need to talk with the other couple and break it off. then you and your wife need to talk about your lifestyle. good luck to both of you

[WonderWhat]

Ditto. Take a step back, and gently but firmly stop communicating with the couple. Yes, that means her too. If she doesn't understand that, there are probably deeper problems that need to be addressed.

[VanHlebar]

Hi folks, I just wanted to post an update on a few things. MrsVan and I spoke at length yesterday about both this situation and about me posting this here. She helped straighten a few things out for me that I had assumed or just plain misunderstood.

For starters, there was only on txt sent to say good night and it was done because I had come home early from work during busy season and she was concerned that the Husband may send an txt to her and didn't want us to be disturbed. She has always been open about the communication with the husband and for those that asked, yes the other wife did know about the communication between MrsVan and her husband.

MrsVan again stressed that there was nothing more than simple attraction to the husband at a playmate level and indicated that if I was uncomfortable with all the communication that she would stop until I became more comfortable with it.

I think we are at least headed in the right direction with this and at this point we are not ready to toss this thing out the window.

Originally Posted by Likeminds

Since you mention "issues" with his wife, I think there is a double caution here. Whatever those issues are will reflect on how this situation should be handled and discussed with them.

Sorry LM, I was very vague here. My issues were performance issues and had nothing to do with me having issues with her. She is a wonderful woman and I don't have any issues with the wife.

Originally Posted by lovedoctor

Too many times in our society we are confronted with obstacles and give up quickly.

I agree completely and this is the very reason why MrsVan and I are not yet ready to toss this out. It is very hard to find 4 people that click the way we do and we think it is worth the effort to talk with them about this and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Again folks, it is greatly appreciated the advice each and every one of you gave me! This is why we keep coming back to the board. You might not like what you hear, but you will always get good, honest answers from this community.

Thanks,
-Van

[nottykupple]

I would still say break all communication for awhile. Similar situation happened to us but i dont want to go into detail.

[EvilMJ]

Just a note that I merged a previous thread from VanHlebar of the same subject together so all our answers are put together in one place. Hope no one is too confused.

EVIL MJ

I have been wanting to respond to this thread earlier but have not had the chance to do so. I first want to say that I understand completely where MrVan is coming from and I understand the advise that all of you have given. But I also feel it is my turn to share my side of the story whether that makes a difference or not.

To start off with some history of my past experience, in my previous marriage when I first got married I had many guy friends and I communicated better with them than I did with the female friends. Because I had so many "guy friends" my ex husband did not like that at the time and forced me to end my friendships with all of my friends. Between the loss of friends and the abusive marriage, the person I was then went into hiding and was never found until MrVan and I got into the lifestyle. Since MrVan and I have been together, he has never seen this side of me before. MrVan has allowed me to be the person I was before my ex-husband and I love being that person. The person MrVan has allowed me to be is myself who I have not been able to be in a long time.

Now in regards to the couple and the other spouse. There is nothing more than a friendship. Is he attractive? Yes...Is he flattering? Yes...But I have all I could ever have with MrVan and would not jeopardize that in anyway. I am a flirtatious person and I tend to talk easier with the males than the females. So because I talk with him like I would any friend by chatting online, text messages and phone calls I do not feel as if I am doing anything wrong. If this type of communication is bothering MrVan and it is causing issues in our marriage, I have told him I would stop whatever part of the communication to assure him that I am not wanting more from this spouse. There is a friendship building between us all and the couple is just wonderful in many ways.

The conversations that we (me and the other spouse) have are some flirtatious, some just about life in general and about our spouses. As for MrVan’s comments about me contacting the other husband in the mornings and at night and chatting all day long, well that is not all the case. I log on in the mornings and when the other husband logs on he says “good morning” to me. We chat for a while and then he heads off to work. While he is at work he will log on here and there but not for long periods of time. In the evenings, I do not text him to say good night. I did this once because MrVan had come home early from the office sick and I had my phone in our bedroom and because he had not been on during the day I wanted him to know that we were going to bed so that he did not text and wake us up. There is nothing more that is building between the two of us as I have the man of my dreams.

I have told MrVan that if there is something that needs to change that I am more than willing to do so. I think a lot of our issue right now is that we have not been around each other due to him being in tax season and us just starting the lifestyle right before the tax season began. We have not had the chance to really connect with each other and I think that this week for us has been a great way to start to connect again.

Thank you all for your comments and I can say that the man of my dreams is MrVan and I plan on never doing anything to ruin what I have with MrVan.


Sorry for the long post but wanted to put my comments here as well. Although this was a tough post for me to read I appreciate the advise that everyone has given.

MrsVan

[TLO7777]

First I would just like to applaud both of you for your candour, your grace in handling all of the responses, and your shared love and commitment to one another.

MrsVan, I am so sorry to hear about the suffering you experienced in your prior marriage. Swinging aside, it must be incredibly liberating to finally have the opportunity to engage in friendships with other men now that you have a man by your side that truly cherishes you and wants you to be happy.

I hear your sincerity in being willing to curtail communication with this man should your husband request it, and I respect that immensely. One thing to consider though is this...

Your friendship with this man is not simply platonic, so the emotional stakes are raised considerably.

Your husband is clearly not comfortable with this type of ongoing contact and has said so in no uncertain terms. He is also reluctant to ask you to cut things off because he is obviously concerned about your own happiness and feels guilty about wanting you to do this.

I'm also sure that he does not in any way want to be associated with your prior abusive spouse wanting to isolate you from any male friends.

If my wife was uncomfortable with my communications with the female half of a couple we play with I would immediately cease this type of communication. My wife, her feelings, and the well being of our relationship comes first ALWAYS. After discussing things and trying to work it through, if she was still uncomfortable in ANY way, I would *never* put her in the position of having to ask me to stop. I would simply do that on my own out of my devotion and love for her.

There may not be anything "wrong" with your being friends with this man in your own experience, but this is clearly causing your husband distress. If you are as devoted as you say, then feed your friendship needs with men you aren't having sex with.

MrVan... I appreciate your not wanting to ask MrsVan to do this out of a care for her happiness and not wanting to be a possessive and jealous spouse. That said, you are quite clearly unhappy with this ongoing contact and in not calling a halt to it seem to be "taking one for the team".

Haven't you both agreed in swinging to only do those things which you are both comfortable with? Well your discomfort with this, for *whatever* cause, is reason enough to put on the brakes.

Yes this is outside the bedroom BUT it is directly related to a couple you are swinging with and therefore completely comes under the terms of the swinging "contract" between the two of you.

Yes, this involves a measure of sacrifice but there are plenty of other couples and friends to connect with out there in the world. Your marriage and inter-personal relationship always has to come first if you want to stay together and keep swinging happily.

Wishing you both nothing but love, happiness, and understanding together.

Dante
--
"YoungMauiCouple" at Swing Lifestyle

[JnCC]

Originally Posted by MrsVan

Because I had so many "guy friends" my ex husband did not like that at the time and forced me to end my friendships with all of my friends.

That's the problem with marriage...most new spouses sort of "expect" you to give up your boyfriends/girlfriends.

Mrs Van, I'm not trying to be an armchair "Dr. Phil" here, but in reading your post, something caught my eye.

You were married before, but your reluctance to sever (or at least curtail) your friendships with your many "guy-friends" brought much strife into your marriage, eventually causing it to fail.

Now that you've re-married, you are again pursuing "friendships" with other men that your husband finds troubling. You say you'll "stop whatever part of the communication [that is troubling him]" but give no assurance that you'll end it completely, as so many in here have advised you both to do.

It's clear to me, from reading your posts, that you're developing an emotional attachment to this other man.

It's also clear to me from reading Mr Van's posts that he feels likewise, and is deeply troubled by it.

I believe you when you say that you're married to "the man of your dreams," but to quote the bald-headed Dean of Psycho-babble and home-spun witicisms...

...are YOU starting to see a pattern here?


"Those who will not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it"

George Santayana 1863-1952
Philosopher and poet