Relationships ending because of swinging

[EmpyreanPleasur]

We hear some pretty negative attitudes among EX lifestylers who seem to have a story about why their relationships failed and blaming it on the lifestyle. What have you all run into?

How many people do you know or do you seem to hear about that after they split up either blame it on the lifestyle or decide for whatever reason that they no longer want anything to do with the lifestyle?

Does it seem to you to happen more often among soft swingers or among full swap or no real difference?

Not sure,
But if I was a betting man I would say those who split after swinging probably had issues beforehand and used swinging to try and "fix" their problems. So, in the end when it still doesn't work out they use swinging as the excuse, when in fact it was prbably just the straw that broke the camels back.

[good times]

Dito what the naughty's said, but in reality I don't think we have met any swingers that did this yet.

[JustAskJulie]

I would have to ditto that, but at the same time I can't recall one single instance of a couple who split who then blamed it on swinging (either in real life or on this board - and we do get some pissed off people here).

My ex and I were swingers and we (obviously) split up, but the split had nothing to do with swinging. We had problems outside of that (at times swinging was probably the only thing we really did have in common), when things got bad we stopped swinging and tried to fix things.

[Estaque]

I'd have to admit the thought of this bothers me. It seems the pat answer is that those couples that break up after swinging "had pre-swinging problems". This seems like pro-swinger propaganda to me.

Frankly, I don't know any couples that don't have some problems and I think having problems in a relationship is normal. It's how you learn to deal with problems that make a relationship stronger or weaker.

But swinging could be like intentionally inserting problems into a relationship unnecessarily. Caution is definitely essential.

I think that before people take the plunge and start busting through barriers they really must give this lifestyle a lot of advanced thought. I think that they should have an innate feeling deep down that their relationship and their commitment is strong enough to handle any real problems that could arise or be agitated by swinging.

Anything less could be disastrous.

[BiDrywallChick]

i have to say that I have seen thsi more in the polyfidelity that the swing lifestyles. All of the ones that I know who have split up and blamed either lifestyle choice had problems beforehand that should have been fixed and worked through. I tell people all the time that alternative lifesyles arent for everyone. When are people going to listen to me?

[dutch51]

Originally Posted by Estaque

It's how you learn to deal with problems that make a relationship stronger or weaker.

But swinging could be like intentionally inserting problems into a relationship unnecessarily. Caution is definitely essential.

I think that before people take the plunge and start busting through barriers they really must give this lifestyle a lot of advanced thought. I think that they should have an innate feeling deep down that their relationship and their commitment is strong enough to handle any real problems that could arise or be agitated by swinging.

What you said is true, but you have to do more than *know* your relationship is strong enough to handle any issues that arise later- you have to prove it- actually follow through and solve any issues in a way that helps both parties. Now you may think that's obvious, but we've met some couples who had a hard time putting that last part into practice.

We don't know any couples who have completely split up and blamed it on swinging (that we know of anyway), but we've known several couples who had problems once they started swinging. In their minds, they thought they had good relationships, or at least relationships that worked for them before they started swinging. Trying to involve other couples only made things worse for them, which is why we would leave the picture.

We think the Naughty's were right in their assessment that swinging was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by BiDrywallChick

i have to say that I have seen thsi more in the polyfidelity that the swing lifestyles. All of the ones that I know who have split up and blamed either lifestyle choice had problems beforehand that should have been fixed and worked through. I tell people all the time that alternative lifesyles arent for everyone. When are people going to listen to me?

Telling people that "alternate lifestyles aren't for everyone" is ambiguous at best. That leaves too much room for interpretation in my opinion. "Who are they not for?" "Am I one of those people?"

No one likes to feel like they are being left out or that they are missing all the fun. So the wrong people may dive in when the shouldn't.

At the very least I think that if someone asks the advice of a swinger on whether or not they are right for the lifestyle (or some similar question) it's a good idea to explain the potential consequences as well as benefits.

But then again, it's not our responsibility to be each other's shrinks either...

[BiDrywallChick]

Originally Posted by Estaque

Telling people that "alternate lifestyles aren't for everyone" is ambiguous at best. That leaves too much room for interpretation in my opinion. "Who are they not for?" "Am I one of those people?"

No one likes to feel like they are being left out or that they are missing all the fun. So the wrong people may dive in when the shouldn't.

At the very least I think that if someone asks the advice of a swinger on whether or not they are right for the lifestyle (or some similar question) it's a good idea to explain the potential consequences as well as benefits.

But then again, it's not our responsibility to be each other's shrinks either...

I used "alternative lifestyles" because I didnt want to keep typing poly/swing ect ect.. but you are right. People do tend to look at more taboo things like a child looking into the candy store window and our parents have said no candy for you.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by dutch51

What you said is true, but you have to do more than *know* your relationship is strong enough to handle any issues that arise later- you have to prove it- actually follow through and solve any issues in a way that helps both parties. Now you may think that's obvious, but we've met some couples who had a hard time putting that last part into practice.

We don't know any couples who have completely split up and blamed it on swinging (that we know of anyway), but we've known several couples who had problems once they started swinging. In their minds, they thought they had good relationships, or at least relationships that worked for them before they started swinging. Trying to involve other couples only made things worse for them, which is why we would leave the picture.

We think the Naughty's were right in their assessment that swinging was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back.

While I agree that you have to actually have to be willing to compromise and solve any problems that arise, I'd guess that when swingers split, more times than not, only one half of the couple would be inclined to place blame on the lifestyle. This is just a guess, but I'd bet in most cases it would be the half that felt slighted in some way; the half that wanted to make things work but couldn't because the other half wouldn't make those necessary compromises.

Most relationships end because of selfishness on the part of one member, not always both. And selfishness is human nature, so I'm not saying that's a bad thing. But people are always looking to upgrade their lot in life. So someone could always come along in the lifestyle that your spouse becomes intimate with perhaps for no more reason than he/she just likes that person better than you. That's a risk people take when they enter the lifestyle, and you never truly know everything about your partner, even if you think you do.

[tribbles]

We have met more than one male whos wife left him for someone else they met in the lifestyle...the women thought it was an upgrade. But then vanilla people leave to upgrade all the time too.
So I'm not sure how much blame can be placed on the lifestyle.

[VegasLee]

I don't see how anyone can "blame" the lifestyle for a break up of any relationship.

It is the people that make the relationship. It takes two to make it work or two to break it up.

When ever people in any lifestyle, regular or alternative break up they look for a "reason" for their own failures. That is human nature. They have to be something to blame it on, after all most people are perfect and it CAN'T be their own fault for thier relationship failing.

Do I see people in the Swinging Lifestyle that have no business being in it? Hell Yes! All the time. If they ask me I tell them. They are easy to spot. Always keeping score.. "she got some last time, I did not" "Maybe she will have sex with someone with a bigger Dick and like them better", We will only do FMF because I don't want her with other guys". Everyone time I have seen "those people" I have seen a break up. It was not the Lifestyle that broke them up, it was their own insecurities and game playing that did it.

There is much more to the lifestyle then just the Sex! (This coming from the guy that preaches the Lifestyle needs to get back to sex.) You have to be in the lifestyle for the right reasons and those reasons are different for each and every person in it.

Two of the biggest reasons for relationships failing are Money and Kids. Money does not cause the break up, most of the time neither do the kids. It is the COUPLE that does not agree or know how to handle either one of them.

Stop looking at the lifestyle as a cause, it is the people that are the cause. We are all adults, making our own choices. If we chose to fail we will. Simple as that.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

Two of the biggest reasons for relationships failing are Money and Kids.

While I'd agree that money problems do commonly plague relationships, I don't think I've ever met anyone that split up because of their kids.

But I know plenty of people that split up because of their spouse's infidelity! People split up all the time because they're being cheated on. And people cheat for many reasons. There doesn't even necessarily have to be a problem in a marriage for one party to cheat.

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Estaque

While I'd agree that money problems do commonly plague relationships, I don't think I've ever met anyone that split up because of their kids.

I have seen it many times. Some people can not deal with the day to day lives of taking care of kids. I hate to say, I experienced it first hand. My Ex-wife was a wonderful lady but sucked big time as a mother. She admitted it as she was going out the door and leaving me with three little girls to raise alone.

But I know plenty of people that split up because of their spouse's infidelity! People split up all the time because they're being cheated on. And people cheat for many reasons. There doesn't even necessarily have to be a problem in a marriage for one party to cheat.

You described the proplem yourself. The problem was the cheating and I am betting most cheats lie about their cheating. There is problem in a relationship if either person can not be trusted to be honest with the other.

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

It is the people that are involved in the lifestyle that causes the problem or break up of the relationship. It is the parties involved own failures what ever they may be.

If your theroy holds true then people could blame the like and dislike of certaihns food the a break up of a relationship.

Only ones kidding theirself would be the people that don't want to take responsibility for their own actions in life.

[Estaque]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

You described the proplem yourself. The problem was the cheating and I am betting most cheats lie about their cheating. There is problem in a relationship if either person can not be trusted to be honest with the other.

Totally agree. If a person cheats, lying about it is a small and insignificant further step for them to be willing to take. If you ask the person doing the cheating and the lying, most times they will deny they have a problem, attempt to rationalize the problem by blaming the other party, or in some minute incidences acknowledge they are the problem but that the don't really care to correct it.

I think it comes down to demeanor and consciences. Some people have louder consciences than other people. That little voice telling us how we should or should not treat others isn't at the same volume for all of us. For instance, your wife that left you to raise your children alone obviously cared very little for anyone but her own self.