Relationships ending because of swinging

[tribbles]

I can say that swinging has, this weekend, brought up issues that would have remained underground (things we didn't know was "wrong" with us) and yes, it is breaking us up after 25 yrs of marriage.
He broke, completely, a boundary, without asking to change the boundary. Now he is saying stuff about how over 20 yrs ago if he asked to do something and I said yes, later we sometimes fought about it so that's partly why he didn't bother to ask to change the boundary. He just did it.

Warn newbies who think they have great relationships, think they communicate well that this can still bring up things that make you say "I never had the relationship I thought I had. You aren't the person I thought you were. And I want out".

It would have been better if we had never found out, we would have been happy in our ignorance and continued to think we were close and loving....and stayed married.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by tribbles

It would have been better if we had never found out, we would have been happy in our ignorance and continued to think we were close and loving....and stayed married.

I think this sentence right here sums up whether or not a couple is suitable for trying out the lifestyle or not. The question maybe shouldn't be "Is our relationship strong enough?", but "Do we really want to know the truth that badly? or are we content as we are?"

For Mr. and I, it is precisely the fact that we do want to know the bottom line about our relationship that has made swinging such a good fit for us. Personally, we feel that the truth all comes out in the wash eventually; do we really want to risk spending the best years of our lives being potentially miserable with someone we are unsuited to living with? You don't get a do-over here. You life is what it is, and I just don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had done things differently. Neither do I want to regret wasting not only my own life, but someone else's.

Others may be perfectly content never knowing - preferring to never know - but we are not one of them.

[knkyPAcpl]

My wife and I are in the process of getting divorced. The lifestyle itself is not what led to it. We have been active for about 10 years and never had problems outside of the normal things. Swinging never caused a problem with either if us. My wife's desire to do things outside of our relationship and trying to do it without my knowledge or consent is what did it. I don't know why she did it, she is still denying she did. I know for a fact because I had a very reliable witness to the act come to me and tell me. The lying and deception and the ease at which she could keep things from me is what led to our divorce.

[sir_dragonfire]

Here is a true ordeal. Yes this couple ended in divorce. They swing as couple,claim of no jealousy or related problems sexually or marriage wise. This couple was very friendly &can be alot of fun during sex & in general. She was bbw, he was tall, thin build. After many discusions,non-comitment meetings We took it to actually swinging with them. She was a good swing partner. My wife & I both happy with her. When it came to him he got jealous of me & his wife,when involving my wife. He wanted my wife's 100% attention. Problem being 2 strokes of his penis & he would cum & be done. well needless to say my wife was not happy. He appologized saying she is so hot he can not control himself. SO my wife joined his wife & I. He got jealous & it turned into a huge proble. My wife agreed to try again & him pleading he it would not be 2 strokes & done. Which was not true. Then the problem, arose from him asking his wife I satisfied her orally as he could. She replied with " it doesn't get better than this! He's as good orally as a bi-female!" Next thing we knew, he had a g/f he dating. He was spending all his time with her & none @ home. Then he came home with poison ivy & of course his wife got it. She asked how & he replied he stopped & urinated in the woods on the way home. She was not dumb. You don't get poison Ivy from urinating in the woods;ending up with it on your back & ass. He stopped having sex with wife. Last he came home with a s.t.d. which he gave his wife & it was divorce court.

[funseekers45]

Not that it was the lifestyle,but we divorced.She had had an affair before we started(several I found out later),but stuck togather and tried to make a go of it.But,fter play partners complained,I found out she was not being honest,and still seeing others on the side.Now she is with a guy old enough to be her father,but he can buy her things I couldn't,so I guess that shows what her true motivations are. But,I would still swing,if a future partner wanted to,and was honest and open.

[tribbles]

Update: Lots of counseling, reading self help books and talking is keeping us together and may eventually make us stronger (only years will tell).
Swinging with others is out but we are finding we like the clubs as long as we only play together. Yes, the counselor knows and agrees it may help build back some trust this way.

Part of what I learned was it is not all communication....swinging may bring out old issues (in this case from the teen years) and for anyone not fully in touch with their feelings quick enough, cause acting out and poor judgements and add to miscommunication that can occur.

I suggest that newbies be warned not only of the need to communicate but also of the need to both be aware of any feelings that come up-even ones you think you dealt with in the past, can rear up and bite. JMHO

[txduo2000]

I think that's great Tribbles!!! Thanks for the update.

I always hate to hear of lengthy marriages coming to an end, and 25 years is a lot to throw away!!! A lot of time and energy and love invested in something that has lasted that long is just too important to NOT work on!

Good luck to you both!