Relationships ending because of swinging

[EvilMJ]

I think in a lot of cases people have no idea how to communicate. THey think they are ready...probably are not, jump into things, someone gets hurt or isn't comfortable abouta sitation, then don't communicate openly and freely with their so. problems fester and get worse. It is easy to say, it was the lifestyle but in many cases it was just unwillingness to communicate, people fall into that horrible trap of "they should known how I felt" or "they dont' understand me."

There are some many potential problems that you can encounter in the lifestyle that are easily solved by good communication, but I suppose you can say that about life in general. How many marriages have broken up due to lack of communication and understanding.

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by Mr&Mrs-naughty

...those who split after swinging probably had issues beforehand and used swinging to try and "fix" their problems.

I would agree that people who meet someone in the lifestyle and then say that swinging is what "caused" their "marriage" to break up went into it with the knowledge that they weren't that happy with each other and probably were never that great at talking with each other.

I can't begin to tell you how little I knew about Fem D's desires or fantasies before this but her concerns were the same: that someone "better" than her would come along and take me away. Well, I can assure all of you that I love her so much for being a partner in this area. People who meet us look at us as a couple and they feel that it is a pleasure for them to be able to be with us, as it is us with them. It is all about sharing each other and letting the other go so they might get what they want out of the experiences they have.

We wish you luck.

Male D

[EmpyreanPleasur]

See, we actually know of several people who have used the lifestyle as an excuse for their marital problems - and in two cases the couple had been very active in the lifestyle, even for many years. All 3 cases were the wife who made the claim - although in two of them, she remained in the lifestyle herself afterward.

I agree with VegasLee that it isn't the situation that breaks the couple up, but a problem with them or within their relationship of which they were incapable of dealing with. Just like cheating - it isn't the affair that broke them up, but the problem that one of them was willing to cheat in the first place.

It just frustrates me to hear people place blame where it doesn't belong instead of owning up to their real problems and further maligning a lifestyle that can be a special part of some people's lives.

[BiDrywallChick]

Originally Posted by EmpyreanPleasur

I agree with VegasLee that it isn't the situation that breaks the couple up, but a problem with them or within their relationship of which they were incapable of dealing with. Just like cheating - it isn't the affair that broke them up, but the problem that one of them was willing to cheat in the first place.

It just frustrates me to hear people place blame where it doesn't belong instead of owning up to their real problems and further maligning a lifestyle that can be a special part of some people's lives.

I agree with that.. I was thinking about it this morning.. It isnt money that breaks up marriages but the lack of responsibility or respect a party has to the other.. It isnt so much kids that break up the marriage but rather all the added stresses and disrespect a partner gives to the other. I would say that the number one cause of Divorce is Selfishness

[Rett]

To say that swinging isn't what causes the marital breakup in the lifestyle, but it's the people -that's very , very undefining and nebulas.

Put it this way , if both partners have open , honest, communication and both desire to try the lifestyle many of the differences and problems that arise may or can be handled by both . If they each have total committment to one another and their desires they can always work out any major problems.

On the other hand, where one of the partners is more forceful and determined that their partner give it a try and it turns out that it's not for them or that they cannot handle the moral issues, constaints, time, money , secrecy, societies boundaries , family attitudes, etc. it may indeed cause resistance or problems down the road , perhaps even leading to divorce. One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging. The relationship must be very solid and respectful of one another's desires whether in an all vanilla world or swinging. As everyone has said many, many times - "The lifestyle is not for everyone " - that's very true and just the way it is !

[Rett]

To say that swinging isn't what causes the marital breakup in the lifestyle, but it's the people -that's very , very undefining and nebulas.

Put it this way , if both partners have open , honest, communication and both desire to try the lifestyle many of the differences and problems that arise may or can be handled by both . If they each have total committment to one another and their desires they can always work out any major problems.

On the other hand, where one of the partners is more forceful and determined that their partner give it a try and it turns out that it's not for them or that they cannot handle the moral issues, constaints, time, money , secrecy, societies boundaries , family attitudes, etc. it may indeed cause resistance or problems down the road , perhaps even leading to divorce. One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging. The relationship must be very solid and respectful of one another's desires whether in an all vanilla world or swinging.

As everyone has said many, many times - "The lifestyle is not for everyone " - that's very true and just the way it is !

Originally Posted by Rett

.... One or the other partner may enjoy and desire to continue, but the other does not. Then you may indeed blame it on swinging.......

I would put the blame on the partner who wanted to continue swinging against the wishes of his/her partner.

It wasn't swinging that broke them up, it was selfishness and lack of respect from one partner to another.

[intuition897]

Originally Posted by Estaque

But anyone that doesn't think that swinging could lead to the demise of a relationship for some people -- when otherwise the relationship would have be fine -- is simply kidding his/her self.

If swinging ever negatively impacts a relationship, the couple should re-examine their situation and fix the problem or just quit swinging. You'll only ever get out of swinging what you put into it. If you go into it believing that it is an actual entity that can damage your relationship, then that's what it will be. Just like the rainbow that you see in the sky is not the same rainbow that the person standing two feet from you sees (the light is refracted through a different set of water droplets), what swinging is to one couple is something else to another.

It's true, Estaque, there is no perfect relationship. If Mr. intuition and I develop problems in our relationship, the swinging lifestyle might put a frame around it, but it's certainly not going to cause our demise. It just very efficiently cuts right through the bullshit and gets to the meat and potatoes of the matter. I believe that swinging is like a magnifying glass, making clearer and more distinct a relationship's impediments. Or maybe a sieve that allows the finer aspects of our relationship through the screen and reveals the chewy chunks that need to be dealt with.

Swinging is not a 'thing'. It's a method. It's the jungle gym that we exercise our relationship on. But it's not our relationship, or even what our relationship is based on.

[allycat]

The thing is,swinging is not a band aid for a relationship boo boo.It's supposed to be about sharing new experiences and meeting people who desire the same. It's not a "fix" for anything. It's to enhance a relationship,not repair it. If people split up it's something wrong with the relationship,not the people they shared it with.

[Alura]

We've known two couples with whom we played who divorced.

The first was because of "incompatibility." The husband couldn't seem to stop squeezing the toothpaste in the middle and the wife wanted to move somewhere else so she could continue her education.

He now squeezes the toothpaste tube anyway he damned well pleases and she has a doctorate. They both seem happy and are still good friends.

The second couple allowed outside play. The wife started fucking a co-worker on the side, without telling her husband. Eventually, she left her husband of thirty years for the co-worker and the co-worker left his wife and kids.

Today, the husband is remarried and the wife lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment. The co-worker returned to his wife and kids.

Swinging wasn't the cause of either break-up. Devoting insufficient importance to the marriages was.

Mr. Alura

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by Alura

Devoting insufficient importance to the marriages was.

Mr. Alura

I have never read a truer statment. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done. It takes constant work, patience, understanding, communication, sense of humor and assertiveness to mention a few. Marriage is the hub that holds the spokes of your lives together so the wheel will turn- In or out of the lifestyle.

I heard a former swinger explain that she divorced her husband because she couldn't handle him having sex with other women. Never mind the fact that they hadn't slept in the same bed for 5 years, nor even knew each others cell phone numbers.

Sure, swinging did them in.

[Alura]

Mrs. Indy wrote:

Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

For us, marriage is easy compared to parenting.

Alura

[DBL D]

Originally Posted by northindycpl

...Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Marriage with Fem D is not the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is the most compelling reason I have for living. Damned confusing at times but soooo rewarding. facelick

Male D

[islandgirl]

Although this is still a new road to me, it would seem that like parenting(which isn't a popularity contest, contrary to what some seem to believe)and marriage which is a love/hate-give/take worth every stitch of effort (with the right partner) swinging is about being in-tune with yourself and those around you....if you are too caught up in "you" and your experiences and don't consider those around you it is a set up for disaster.

If you want anything bad enough you will work for it, that is if you aren't too selfish to see that everything you want will not magically appear because YOU want it to.


In order for any relationship of any type to work there needs to be respect, understanding, communication, honesty and trust.

I am confidant that I am entering this with the man I love beside me, not to better anything, but to enjoy the things we have desired and to do so together. We only hope to be able to carry it off with friends and dignity intact. To expect to be totally compatible with everyone we meet would be a ridiculous notion, one surely headed toward disaster or in our case getting kicked off the island!!!!! No way, we are far to happy in paradise.....

sorry for the ramble/ rant......;-) islandgirl (still in progress!)

[northindycpl]

Originally Posted by DBL D

Damned confusing at times but soooo rewarding. facelick
Male D

Dito!