interracial swingers need advice

[john1234]

we are a married white couple and i prefer my wife to swing with black men. for some reason i get jealous about her playing with white men but not black. any advice on how to not get jealous and let her have fun all around? anyone else ever feel this way?

[havefuninsun]

Originally Posted by john1234

we are a married white couple and i prefer my wife to swing with black men. for some reason i get jealous about her playing with white men but not black. any advice on how to not get jealous and let her have fun all around? anyone else ever feel this way?

Just curious -- why do you think you feel jealous over a white man and not a black man?

It sucks when jealousy creeps into swinging in any way ... no one wants to feel hurt; everyone wants to feel GOOD.

[pagan-lovers]

I may be wrong, but it sounds like a black man somehow seems like less of a threat to you. Much like some guys are comfortable with their wife playing with a woman but not another man. The woman offers something different that doesn't threaten the status quo. Apparently you feel your wife is not going to leave you for a black guy but might like another white guy better than you. In my opinion it wouldn't matter if the other guy was black white yellow or red it's still another man. You're either OK with her playing with a man or you're not. If this is anywhere near close, then there needs to be more security between the two of you before you continue to play with any other males.

Mr. PL

[oddcouple2841]

I think it is related to a very natural instinctive fear. I myself have thought long and hard on this one. Picturing S going off alone with another caucasion male or even feeling that she is giving one excessive attention gives me that feeling in the pit of my stomach (you know the one) while thinking of her alone with another couple is not so accute. Thinking of her going off alone to meet another woman does not produce this feeling at all.

I think that somewhere deep down inside, you like myself have a fear of your wife leaving you and since you don't believe she would leave you for a black male the threat alarms never kick in. Notice I said fear not jealousy. These are primitive instincts designed to protect us and I believe we have little control over them. I also think that this "fear" is why newbie couples look for other couples to begin with. Listening to more experienced swingers I think this fear must abate with time as trust and faith in the other partner builds to higher levels to overcome these basic instincts. I guess it is like the old adage "If you love something set it free. If it comes back, It was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with." (or you can change the last part to hunt it down and kill it whichever you prefer)

[Mrs Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by pagan-lovers

I may be wrong, but it sounds like a black man somehow seems like less of a threat to you. Much like some guys are comfortable with their wife playing with a woman but not another man. The woman offers something different that doesn't threaten the status quo. Apparently you feel your wife is not going to leave you for a black guy but might like another white guy better than you. In my opinion it wouldn't matter if the other guy was black white yellow or red it's still another man. You're either OK with her playing with a man or you're not. If this is anywhere near close, then there needs to be more security between the two of you before you continue to play with any other males.

Mr. PL

Well said...that was my thought too, that he doesn't think his wife will leave him for a black man but could for a white man.

Spoo and I don't look at color we just go with attraction to a playmate regardless of what color the woman or man is. Our relationship is solid. We are best friends and soulmates, and always play together so we can enjoy seeing each other have fun. So neither of us is threatened that one or two times of having sex with another person is going to tear us apart. Pagan-lovers made a good point...until you two can be more secure in your relationship you shouldn't be playing with anyone, male or female. You and your wife need to talk about this and find your comfort zones 'together'.

Mrs Spoomonkey

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by john1234

we are a married white couple and i prefer my wife to swing with black men. for some reason i get jealous about her playing with white men but not black. any advice on how to not get jealous and let her have fun all around? anyone else ever feel this way?

Hi John,

You only speak of men being with your wife. Do you only do MFM, or do you ever swing with couples? Are you ever with other women? If not, why not?

Best wishes.

[Taylor74]

As a black man, I believe I should comment.


I honestly believe that there is a superiority/inferiority complex, you choose. Perhaps you feel superior to black men in general, for whatever reason, and you look at them (black men) as social subordinates? Perhaps black men are redeemable goods and/or just (sexual?) objects that couldn't possibly measure up to you whether it be socially or any other measure of importance in your life? Not a flame, but this is common in a country where race and racism runs rampant. Perhaps you feel as though your wife could never find any quality, other than sex, to be even remotely interesting about a black man?

You are jealous of white men being with your wife,possibly because you have an innate RESPECT for them. Possibly by default, and/or by what society as portrayed them (white men) as. You feel threatened that your wife would somehow find even a better white man to be with. And in the same breath, you have excluded, erroneously, all black men from ever being anything your wife would enjoy/respect/admire/desire, other than sexually.


This is just my opinion. I believe this "issue" is deeper than sex and/or swinging. But that's just my opinion.

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by Taylor74

But that's just my opinion.

I think it is a great part of this thread, Taylor! A very good post and very insightful...

I am going to kind of disagree with Pagan-Lovers and Mrs Spoomonkey - both of whom I greatly respect, one of whom I have sex with a lot.

First - I think we all have our comfort zones. For whatever reason - and Taylor certainly gave a compelling reason why this might not be a healthy comfort zone. But - we have them. If you know what your comfort zones are, there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing within them.

If black men are what makes you comfortable as a husband - and your wife is happy to play with them - then go for it. There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't. Many couples, for whatever reason, fantasize about including black men - so that is not terribly uncommon.

Personally - I consider it to be objectifying and ultimately humiliating - but I recognize that it is a legitimate and rather common kink.

I don't think there is any reason that you need to be comfortable with all races equally as playmates. Sure - I think their are some real "soul values" to seeing all races as equal - but short of that, it is okay to entertain your kink and comfort by playing only with black men.

There is no reason to include white men.

But - if you want to get over your jealousy, my advice would be the "sink or swim" method. It is what worked for me. I struggled with jealousy at times early on - men I was intimidated by for whatever reason (never racial - typically just a real selfishness about Mrs Spoo running into a guy who was good at what he did). Occasionally I would say something to Mrs Spoo that would "blunt" her experience. She would have a great time with the playmate, but my insecurity about it would spoil her fun after the fact...

Which was horribly unfair since twenty four hours later, whatever happened was a huge turn on for me! The experience that made me feel insecure was now - a day later - turning me on like a teenager with his first porn mag.

I was all over Mrs Spoo for a week or more afterwards - the memory of her hot time lighting my fuse and sparking towards an explosive finish. And THAT is what we are in the lifestyle for really. Sure - she had a good time with the playmate (which I really, really want her to have) but the real pay off is the energy afterwards...

So - I did a lot of soul searching and realized that if I could just be smart with the jealousy when it reared its ugly head, I could reap the benefits at home later.

And almost as soon as I made that decision - *POOF* - jealousy has pretty much disappeared. It sounds hokey, but it was almost like now that jealousy couldn't get the best of me, it just decided to go pick on someone else...

Now I get the benefits of Mrs Spoo's hot times (and, well, the benefits of my own hot times... Thanks ladies ) and she doesn't have to deal with my insecurities and can relax and really enjoy her experiences too.

So - how do you do this?

Straight on brother...

Let her play with a white guy. They are everywhere. Set some ground rules and "safe words" ahead of time and then go for it. You'll talk a LOT afterwards which you should do anyway. And if you do find yourself turned on by it - all over your wife like a sex addict on Viagra and yellow jackets - then you've struck gold! Realize THAT is the benefit and work through the jealousy.

If you are anything like me... *POOF*

But - if it doesn't turn you on - no big deal. If the experience leaves you just jealous and no more turned on than before - go back to what works for you.

We are all here to fulfill our fantasies - and they are all different from one another.

Spoomonkey

[LikeMinds321]

Taylor74 eloquently expressed what I was thinking, but I didn't know how to say it.

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

If black men are what makes you comfortable as a husband - and your wife is happy to play with them - then go for it. There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't. Many couples, for whatever reason, fantasize about including black men - so that is not terribly uncommon.

Personally - I consider it to be objectifying and ultimately humiliating - but I recognize that it is a legitimate and rather common kink.

I would think that a black man who senses that a couple sees him for the reason expressed by Taylor, would not wish to swing with them. Maybe Taylor can give us more insight into this and how he spots these type of swingers. What are the signs you look for?

If I knew someone wanted to swing with me because they think they are superior to me, and their believing me inferior made them feel less threatened, I'd not be happy. Thankfully, I have a pretty good sense of people, and would never play with them. I'd move on quickly.

LM

[Taylor74]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I would think that a black man who senses that a couple sees him for the reason expressed by Taylor, would not wish to swing with them. Maybe Taylor can give us more insight into this and how he spots these type of swingers. What are the signs you look for?

Well, I'm no seasoned swinger by any means, so my insight will be limited. I have met several couples recently and have had great experiences. As a single male, regardless of race, we're generally objectifying ourselves by seeking out couples who enjoy including only men in their trysts. So, I guess, their is a little bit of hypocrisy on our (single males) part, to some degree. There are many couples, as you know, who specifically seek out black males. Some make this very clear in the beginning, others don't. If I had a choice, I would rather be with a woman/couple who generally finds me attractive and/or interesting enough to "swing" with. The couples who seek out black males specifically and discuss the details of a possible encounter like a business deal, are a real turnoff for me. It's too mechanical and planned. Most of the time, it's the male-half pushing for this fantasy, at least in my experiences. Also, if a couple is too embarassed to be seen with a black male in public (having drinks, etc), then I know they have issues. This is a good sign. Thank God, I haven't had this problem. Also, if a couple describes the length a black man should be in order to meet is a tell tale sign. Racism, sexual myths, and just plain ignorance perpetuates this kind of behavior.

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Taylor74

Well, I'm no seasoned swinger by any means, so my insight will be limited. I have met several couples recently and have had great experiences. As a single male, regardless of race, we're generally objectifying ourselves by seeking out couples who enjoy including only men in their trysts. So, I guess, their is a little bit of hypocrisy on our (single males) part, to some degree. There are many couples, as you know, who specifically seek out black males. Some make this very clear in the beginning, others don't. If I had a choice, I would rather be with a woman/couple who generally finds me attractive and/or interesting enough to "swing" with. The couples who seek out black males specifically and discuss the details of a possible encounter like a business deal, are a real turnoff for me. It's too mechanical and planned. Most of the time, it's the male-half pushing for this fantasy, at least in my experiences. Also, if a couple is too embarassed to be seen with a black male in public (having drinks, etc), then I know they have issues. This is a good sign. Thank God, I haven't had this problem. Also, if a couple describes the length a black man should be in order to meet is a tell tale sign. Racism, sexual myths, and just plain ignorance perpetuates this kind of behavior.

Taylor, I appreciate your insight a lot. I wonder if you can offer me some advice?

We're a white couple who enjoy people of any race as long as we're all mutually attracted (personality, etc.). We enjoy both threesomes and foursomes. We don't specifically seek out black men or couples due to their race, but if we click, we click. My question: Many times black couples or interracial couples seem to want to make sure we're okay with their race, before we meet them. I understand that they may have had some kind of bad experience in the past, but I never know quite how to assure them when they ask these things. In my mind, I'm thinking, of course you're okay with us, we liked your profile, we already know what race you are, seen your pictures, etc. Hopefully, we're okay to them at this point, too - but I don't ask, I just assume we're okay, or they wouldn't still be talking to us about meeting.

I just wonder what is the best way to let couples or singles know that we're not interested based on sexual myths, stereotypes, or any of that stuff? We don't want to make race a big deal or a big conversation, we just want to convey thoughtfully and earnestly that we're not like that, if they seem concerned. What makes you comfortable about a white couple you're talking to?

[Taylor74]

Originally Posted by Tybee Swing

We're a white couple who enjoy people of any race as long as we're all mutually attracted (personality, etc.). We enjoy both threesomes and foursomes. We don't specifically seek out black men or couples due to their race, but if we click, we click. My question: Many times black couples or interracial couples seem to want to make sure we're okay with their race, before we meet them. I understand that they may have had some kind of bad experience in the past, but I never know quite how to assure them when they ask these things. In my mind, I'm thinking, of course you're okay with us, we liked your profile, we already know what race you are, seen your pictures, etc. Hopefully, we're okay to them at this point, too - but I don't ask, I just assume we're okay, or they wouldn't still be talking to us about meeting.

I just wonder what is the best way to let couples or singles know that we're not interested based on sexual myths, stereotypes, or any of that stuff? We don't want to make race a big deal or a big conversation, we just want to convey thoughtfully and earnestly that we're not like that, if they seem concerned. What makes you comfortable about a white couple you're talking to?

Hi, Tybee.

One thing you must remember, is that rejection is something everyone hates. And in the swinging world, everyone can pick and choose what they want, almost down to specific DNA strands.LOL! With that in mind, to avoid the frustrations accompanied with rejection and the finicky nature of people in this lifestyle, many choose to over emphasize things such as race to ensure that potential mates are well informed in advance of who they're dealing with. Even if it's quite clear that said partners are interested.


Also, in your case, let those interracial couples bring up the topic of race during a discussion. That way, they own the topic because they initiated it. You can convey that race seldomly crosses your mind and that they should put it aside and enjoy the situation for what it is.

The best way to let couples/singles know that race, etc isn't something that you concern yourself with, is to simply say it, type it, and/or convey it. For example, when a woman/couple says to ME..."you're an attractive guy" as opposed to saying..."you're an attractive BLACK guy", I know that race isn't something that they give a second thought. This means a lot to me.

Likewise, if we speak on the phone and they (white couples) mention other black male encounters that didn't live up to their expectations, I know that they have an agenda regarding sexual myths,etc.

But what truly makes me comfortable, is honesty and when couples speak freely and hold no punches. I hate dealing with people with hidden agendas.

[Tybee Swing]

Thanks, Taylor. I appreciate that. Sounds like we're on the right track, then.

[freekynme]

Very well stated Taylor. Being the black female in an interracial couple, we were often bombarded with what I called the "stupid" males. These were men who once they found out that I "liked" white men wanted to sleep with me, simply because they couldn't find black women who liked them or because they'd never done it before. I promptly refused them, but tried to answer any legitimate questions they had in a diginified manner. Stupid questions (yes there are stupid questions LOL) got stupid answers. I too hate people who have agendas regarding race & we try to avoid them at all costs. I don't like feeling that I am just another thing to be done on a "to do" list.

Tybee
As far as black couples making sure you're ok with them, like Taylor said, it's just their way of being reassured you will not reject them later on. My hubby usually meets most of the couples online we may potentially meet & talks to them. He used to use his swinger account, we have separate ones, & couples were eager to meet us until he sent a picture. Then all talking would stop or we'd get the usual lines of BS & excuses. So Im sure black couples come across this just as often. And being in GA, particularly where you are doesn't make it any easier. We know, because we were right down the road from you & preferred to find playmates in FL. My hubby & I never saw the difference in our races or having to even state the difference before living in GA. We just accept people as they are for who they are & I guess our downfall is that we expect everyone to have this same belief. So as Taylor said, what you're doing to reassure the other couple seems to be just fine. Even if you reject a couple because of incompatibility issues, they will still probably think it was racially motivated. This is just ingrained in some people in the south & especially in how black swingers are treated there & is not meant to reflect on you personally. The worst thing to say to a black couple or person in my opinion in trying to reassure them that you are fine in swinging with them, is the dreaded, " I have black friends". Just my 2 cents on the subject.

S

[wifes_sex_slave]

I'm not quite sure how to answer this.

You see I'm white, my cute little Chapina is a nicely tanned Spanish woman.

I would feel uncomfortable with anyone who had hangups on the colour of the skin. A man is a man, a woman is a woman. Why should it make a difference?

If your relationship is not strong enough to handle you or your wife having another partner without such feelings, maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship RE: swinging.

Jealousy is a very dangerous animal that usually bites at some time or another.